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» Bullies

Sometimes you have to act.
A few years back when I was in my early 20s I was walking along the street in my hometown. I happened to notice a little girl skipping along towards me on the other side of the road, she was all pigtails and freckles and smiles and couldn't have been more than 7 or 8. As she skipped towards the entrance to the park 2 lads, clearly several years her elders, emerged from the park and she was unable to avoid them and crashed into one of them.
I stood astonished as the scene unfolded in front of me and these 2 lads started shoving this little girl around. When I saw one of the lads lifting his hand a fully punching the girl in the face I saw red mist descending. I couldn't stand and watch this anymore. I crossed the road and my fists started flailing and boots started swinging. I was like a wildman. I fought with a savagery that I didn't think I had and I have to tell you guys.
Between the 3 of us we totally kicked the crap out of that little girl.
I even got her lollypop.
(Mon 18th May 2009, 17:45, More)

» House Guests

Booze, Beads and 1 girl in need of a cup
Many years ago when I was attending one of Glasgow's fine educational institutions I had the pleasure of sharing a flat with the president of the student union (among others) for a summer. For the most part it was an unremarkable relationship, to the point that I can't actually remember his name.
However one weekend his 16 year old brother came to stay for a weekend. Being the nice friendly chaps that we were we decided to take him out for a few beverages. So after many a knockback we inevitably ended up at Glasgow's (not so) finest nightspot - the garage as they were the only ones prepared to accept his dodgy fake ID.
After much fun and drinking and dancing about like morons we noticed that Jock (not his real name I thought I'd just chuck in some casual racism) was nowhere to be seen. We hunted high and low until the club closed, then up and down suachiehall street for hours after. Had called police, hospitals everything. My flatmate is going out of his mind. Shitting himself and with the sun coming up (behind clouds, this is Glasgow) we returned home for about the 5th time to find young Jock on the doorstep with a look of terror on his face. After getting him inside and me sparking a doobie he proceeded to tell us this tale.
"Do you remember that bird I was dancing with? Well she invited me back to hers. When I got back she pounced on me dragged me straight to bed. Anyway I was just getting into it when she opened her bedside table and pulled out a string of beads and started feeding them up my arse!"
At this point we interrupt to ask why he had let her violate him in such a manner to which he speepishly replied that it was his first time and he didn't want her to stop taking his young cherry if he refused the bum-beads.
So he continued.
"Right so like a minute later I start coming and when I do she rips the beads out of my arse and I shat myself. I looked around to see the mess I had made and when I looked back she was rubbing handfuls of my shit into her tits"
*I have by this stage lost and semblance of sympathy and am on the verge of doing myself a serious injury through laughter*
"Next she jumped up and asked was I coming for a shower,so I had to have a shower with her then she came back in and whipped the RUBBER sheets off the bed, stuck on some clean cotton ones and climbed in inviting me in with her. I didn't know where the fuck I was or how to get home so I had to lie awake next to her till the sun came up and I could go outside and flag a taxi."

He arrived in Glasgow as a cocky young boy and left a broken dishevelled wanksock of a man

Now, everyone, imagine that is what happened to you when you lost your virginity.
I bet it was a fucking long time before he accepted an invitation "back to mine" from a bird in a club.

Sorry it was so long, but I hope you get the years of enjoyment out of that story that I continue to have.
(Tue 11th Jan 2011, 15:12, More)

» World of Random

Kelvingrove Park on a rainy monday morning
About 10 years ago on a particularly rainy monday morning in glasgow at around godknowswhat o'clock as I dragged my sorry bedraggled form from the remains of the very last party of the weekend, on my way home to sleep until the next weekend reared it's head (usually around wednesday lunchtime) I decided to take a detour through Kelvingrove park. As I neared what was known locally at the time as "the green beach" (although I'm sure it has had many nicknames over the years - the natives will know it as the one place which is immune to Glasgow's no drinking/taking recreational drugs in public laws) I came across 4 guys dressed as babies - nappies, bonnets and novelty oversized dummies dragging a bath up the hill. Obviously I initially thought I was feeling the remnants of whatever massive drugs I'd been taking the night before and gave myself a bit of a shake and rubbed my eyes to make sure my eyes didn't decieve me, but no, that's exactly what was happening. I slowed to watch what their intentions were and was glad I did. "Here, big man, ye wantin' a go in oor bath?" went the cry. Having made eye contact I thought it rude just to ignore them and walk on so I just waved and shouted back that it was ok they should go on ahead with their venture, however no was not an answer they were going to be satisfied with and 2 minutes later I found myself sitting in a bath being pushed down a grassy slope by 4 grown men dressed as babies in the pissing rain. Having started to enjoy myself I gave them a hand as they started to lug the tub back up the hill when my girlfriend came around the corner from another party.
If I thought the scene I witnessed was a bit odd imagine the difficulty explaining to my girlfriend what I was doing when she witnessed the same scene, but I was also involved in it.

She still had a go too though.

Great days, great days.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2011, 21:13, More)

» FIGHT!

Quick pea
Sometimes you have to act.
A few years back when I was in my early 20s I was walking along the street in my hometown. I happened to notice a little girl skipping along towards me on the other side of the road, she was all pigtails and freckles and smiles and couldn't have been more than 7 or 8. As she skipped towards the entrance to the park 2 lads, clearly several years her elders, emerged from the park and she was unable to avoid them and crashed into one of them.
I stood astonished as the scene unfolded in front of me and these 2 lads started shoving this little girl around. When I saw one of the lads lifting his hand and fully punching the girl in the face I saw red mist descending. I couldn't stand and watch this anymore. I crossed the road and my fists started flailing and boots started swinging. I was like a wildman. I fought with a savagery that I didn't think I had and I have to tell you guys.
Between the 3 of us we totally kicked the crap out of that little girl.
I even got her lollipop.
(Thu 14th Mar 2013, 16:04, More)

» House Guests

Video Nasty
One night my upstairs neighbours decided to trick their hugely megacamp flatmate, lets call him Cameron.
So Cameron arrived home from work one night to find his flatmates indulging in some "mexican acid."
Having been invited to join in the tripping Cameron admits it would be his first time taking acid and he has heard a few horror stories and he is a little bit frightened of the results. So after much reassurance that everyone would take care of him and he would suffer no bad effects Cameron was coming around to the idea and it was with some trepidation that he accepted his first "mexican acid tab".
Now is perhaps a good time to point out that there was no acid it was just little squares of paper with the ubiquitous acid smiley face drawn on.
Cameron was instructed that the best was to take mexican acid was to lick the tab and stick it to his forehead, then sit back and enjoy the results. After a few minutes his flatmates started describing the wonderful array of effects this wonderdrug was having on their senses. Not to be left out Cameron started joining in and by his own admission was soon "tripping off my face".
Shortly afterwards everyone started laughing and he was told it was only a wind up at which point he flew into a rage and went to his room.
The next morning he was gone, had moved all his stuff out during the night as his flatmates slept and as a final parting gift he took a shit INSIDE the video recorder.
A slight overreaction in my opinion, but fantastically surreal also.
(Tue 11th Jan 2011, 8:29, More)
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