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» Random Acts of Kindness

Back when gay dating mostly involved...
Either going to a bar/club (expensive and with a high miss rate), having lots of gay friends (meh) or going to a cruising ground (eek!) there was a brilliant way of doing the dating - the back pages of Gay Times, Boyz and Pink Paper! Boyz and Pink Paper could be gotten free in gay bars and stuff and for a couple of quid you could put an ad in the back and a couple of weeks later a brown envelope would come through your door with some scrawled perverted fantasies and photocopied photographs. Yay!

Well, I'd paid my thruppence and included some stamps with the cheque (yes, it all seems so quaint in these days of Gaydar, Grindr and Manhunt) but in the time between my posting off the order for some shag and the letters arriving I'd acquired myself a sex-mad headfuck of a boyfriend who was busy reducing me to a harrowed shell of a human being (I bumped into him last year in circumstances that have ensured that I've an annecdote for dinner parties forever, let's just say we were at Torture Garden and I didn't recognise him at first but after we'd worked out who we were I did utter the immortal lines "you did treat me like a complete cunt, you know? Don't worry - I've never been in such a disfunctional relationship again since and you seem much happier too"). Well, two letter arrived and I looked at them and not being a git I felt it only honourable to let them know I was not in the market any more.

Then I was gripped by the warm hands of inspiration...

I posted each letter to the other sender with a covering note along the lines of "if you both liked the ad, you may like each other..." and sent them off into the postal system, never to hear from either of them again.

I hope they shagged happily ever after!
(Fri 10th Feb 2012, 15:08, More)

» Heckles II

I was 17, final year at school
in the canteen in the FE college next to school because they allowed smoking, so place full of rougher kids than us, and some older types trying to catch up on an education. One very annoying kid nicknamed Head going on about his weekend, with everybody and anybody trying to get him off the subject of his boast about his hanging out with a band and he was reaching the highlight of the night "and I managed to get off with this totally fit 21 year old." I made eye contact with him and saw the look of hope in his face as I made to ask him a question which he hoped would be about who it was, or what she was like. "What was HIS name?" I asked loudly and with a straight face. The whole canteen burst into laughter. He went red and shut the fuck up.
(Sat 14th Jun 2014, 13:31, More)

» Kids say the shittiest things

When you take acid you get trapped in phone boxes.
Friend of the family was doing the washing up, her 5 year old son was playing outside and the little boy said to the friend he was playing with "when you take acid you get trapped in phone boxes" with startling authority.

Wha?!?!? It was a fairly open minded family but this being broadcast by the young kid was a shock and a half.

A plate was dropped and a hurried counsel with husband was begun.

How the hell had he any idea about acid and why had he gotten it into his mind that it causes you to get trapped in phone boxes.

Much racking of brains brought about the memory that two months earlier the young son's 18 year old brother had been going out with a girl who had phoned them up in a panic because she'd taken acid and dad had turned around to mum and said "it's S***'s girlfriend, she's taken acid and is trapped in a phone box, we're going to go and help her out" without realising that the 5 year old who was sat in the corner playing with toys was taking it all in and processing the information for another time.
(Fri 24th May 2013, 15:24, More)