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Aim low, underachieve.


What Flavour Are You? I tashte like Alcohol.I tashte like Alcohol.


Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?


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» Sexism

When at a restaurant with my wife
My wife can't order from a restaurant menu without knowing what i'm going to have first. This is despite me always informing her that i will not be sharing what i order so what i am having bears no relevance to what she's going to order. Regardless of this, no food will be ordered, waiting staff will be sent away with a blank notepad until such time as i reveal what i intend to eat.
Even when i do reveal what i'm planning to have she will then have to read through the entire menu and will choose 3 or 4 possibles. Then the narrowing down process will begin and (against my will or better judgement) I will be asked to comment on these choices as she 'talks them through'.
I have in the past suggested that she use my approach which is to read down the menu until she comes to something she likes and then stop and order it. This suggestion has met with incredulation and shock. 'But what if there's something i might like more FURTHER DOWN the menu???', she asked. 'Well you won't know it's there love, will you?', I reasonably reply. I may has well have told her i plan to urinate publicly in all 4 corners of the restaurant for the horror with which she looked at me.
On one occasion, I ordered while she was finishing a call on her mobile. I didn't order what I'd told her i was going to. Once she placed her order and the waiter headed off, i confessed to my henious crime. At this point she called the waiter back, a menu was requested and a full review of her original order took place. She still ordered the same thing but would never have been happy without being given the chance to check through the menu again following my shocking revelation.

I wonder what happens when a women eats alone? Do they ring someone? Force the waiter to have a conversation about their choices? Just sit there not eating before leaving?

Anyway, sexist or not, it's something only women do.
(Mon 4th Jan 2010, 13:07, More)

» Gyms

I've never injured myself in a gym
but now seems like a good time to air a major grievance I've come up against at gyms over the years. Women. Women who go to the gym, get on the treadmill and then just walk. Why? Just why? Why are you paying money every month, to go to a gym 4 times a week just to have a good old walk??? Here's a tip, put on some shoes, open your front door and place one foot ahead of the other. Dadahhhh! You're walking! I mean seriously, if you don't want to go outside then you could walk around your apartment and save the money.
I can only imagine in the morning time, packing their gym bag, telling the flatmates/partners "I'll be home a bit late, i'm going to the gym after work". Then going from work to the gym, getting changed, doing some warming up and stretches and then hitting the treadmill for a good old walk. Then showering afterwards, going back home and saying "Wow, I am knackered from my workout!". Knackered??? Really???? From a 20 minute walk?
If I told my wife this - "I'm going for a short walk, a session on the step machine and colonic irrigation" she'd merely raise one eyebrow and say "You're going upstairs for a shit aren't you?".
(Mon 13th Jul 2009, 13:45, More)

» Picky Eaters

sausages
I know this isn't exactly on topic but I've been suppressing my feelings for long enough on this matter and this QOTW is close enough for me to let rip.
Now must of us love a good honest pork sausage. As part of a fried breakfast or nuzzled between two pieces of bread with a bit of sauce or served with mash and gravy, it's a good food. Now at what point did some sh!t think it would be a good idea to start putting crappy herbs in them. I hate it, really really hate it. It constantly drives me mad. One minute your sat in a boozer, sipping a pint at lunch time when your sausage and mash arrives over. Of course, it's covered in gravy so you can't see the little green cancerous lumps below the skin. Oh no, not until you bite into it do you realise you've been had. This really gets up my nose. I mean, if you want a herby sausage you can simply get a cumberland. They're shaped different so there shouldn't be any error (actually, the fact that they are shaped like a curled dog turd is rather appropriate). I've nothing against the cumberland because it doesn't pretend to be a normal sausage. no no, it's the so called 'normal' sausages that have herbs hidden in them that really p!ss me off.

Last summer, having spent the day at London Zoo with my daughter and girlfriend, we were walking back through Regents park when I happened upon an establishment called 'The Honest Sausage'. I excitedly told gf that this is great, someone else obviously feels the same as me about herby sausages and has gone a stage further and opened a shop purveyor good honest sausages. I told gf to keep walking ahead while I popped in and got a takeaway sausage in a roll. I went in and all seemed fine. I purchased my food, left the establishment and ran to catch up with my family. Once we were all together I showed my gf the lovely sausage in a roll, hell I even waxed lyrical about the texture of gravy and onion on it. Then I bit into it and all hell broke lose. The bugger was full of herbs. I was outraged. I started a kind of insane grumble that grew to a shout, it went 'the honest sausage? the honest sausage? THE HONEST SAUSAGE??? I then proceeded to hold the herby horror in front of me shaking it (imagine John Cleese losing his temper in fawlty Towers). I finally lost it, dropped kicked the herby bunch a horror and then stamped on it (anyone reading this who happened to be in Regents Park and saw it take place...I apologise).
Anyway, now I only eat sausage that I buy myself in a clear wrapper and normally I cut one in half raw to check for herbs before cooking.

Ok, I'll leave it now. sorry but I had to get it off me chest
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 14:26, More)

» Misunderstood

I thought the loved me.....
My first day working in Switzerland, my first name is Morgan. I walked into my office building and next thing everyone is saying 'Guten Morgen' or just 'Morgen' with a slight nod of the head.
I thought to myself, that is so cool. Someone must have sent an email around explaining that I was a new guy who'd joined who was foreign and didn't speak any Swiss German. Please make him feel welcome etc.
Started to get suspicious when this was still happening on my 3rd morning. Then someone explained it meant 'Good Morning' or just 'morning'.
Looks like my initial impression that the Swiss were a right stand offish bunch of c*nts was spot on after all!
PS: TIP: If you're at a meeting in Switzerland with Swiss people and a Swiss person is late arriving and someone asks ' I wonder what's keeping him?'. Do not answer 'He's probably polishing the jewish gold'. In my experience, a genuine tumbleweed moment.
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 11:17, More)

» Mums

My mum, the menopause and the PI
My mum is a wonderful women and i can recall countless tales of wonderful things she's done for me and my sisters when we were growing up. However there's a much more amusing story I'm going to recant here which stems from when she went through the menopause. For any younger B3tans whose mums haven't hit this magical milestone yet then allow me to offer some basic advice....fasten your seatbelts and get a helmet!

My mother flatly refused HRT as there are potential cancer risks with the treatment and as a result, at times, went a bit mad. Actually, a lot mad. One incident though stands out head and shoulders above the rest and involved my older sister and mothers day.

My sister had just had a couple of children and decided that for that years mothers day, she was going to spend it with her family and not our mother. This was fine with my mum as she understood that this is a normal progession with getting older, having your own kids etc.
Unfortunately though my mother got it into her head that my sister was lying to her and spending the day with her husbands mother and father (the in-laws).

When this claim was ridiculed by all, my mum claimed that a friend of hers had even seen my sister, her husband, their kids and the inlaws in a local restaurant having lunch on mothers day. My mother was furious. I was living abroad at the time and I started to get phonecalls from my mother who was very upset and angry. Mum claimed it wasn't that my sister had chosen to spend the days with the inlaws but the fact that she'd lied to her about it. I spoke to my sister who told me she'd no idea what i was on about, she hadn't spent the day or had lunch with the in-laws. Despite me telling mum this, the phonecalls kept coming day after day. After a week of this I said to mum offhandedly, 'Look mum, if you're so sure about this then hire a private detective and he'll be able to check through her credit cards to see if she was at this restaurant having lunch on the day in question'. Mum said don't be so silly and I assumed that was the end of it.
The next day I get a phonecall from my absolutely livid father.

"What the fuck did you say to your mother? Did you tell her to hire a private fucking investigator??"

"Ehhh yeah dad, but I didn't mean it, I just said it as an off commen..."

"400 fucking quid a day....FOUR HUNDRED....FUCKING.......POUNDS....A DAY THEY COST. What the fuck did you do?????"

I tried to undo the damage but my mum was in full hormonal lunacy now. The investigator was hired. A few days later I rang my mum and asked if the PI found anything. I'll never forget her response.

"He checked her credit card history and there was no restaurant payment on it...."

"So mum, I guess that's that then"

"....I betcha that sneaky bitch of a sister of yours paid in cash so I wouldn't be able to find proof"

Mums, Brilliant!
(Fri 12th Feb 2010, 12:04, More)
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