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This is a question Overheard secrets

When I was a barman, I stood by polishing a glass as a couple had a hushed argument two feet away about what they were going to do now she was pregnant. The bloke promised to leave his wife, but subsequent hushed arguments revealed that he did not. What have you overheard?

Suggested by Free Pens

(, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 13:36)
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When I was a poverty struck student ...
I had neither the ways nor the means to procure MASSIVE DRUGS. So I had to make do with Minor ones. Specifically homegrown weed and the occassional nitrous oxide. For the uninitiated, nitrous oxide is used in mighty gas pellet powered cannisters, the official purpose of which was whipping cream. It was freely available in supermarkets, but required discretion since the shop lady just might know your Mum.

And suspiciously baritone voiced conversations between teenagers about heading off to our night time cake decorating course didn't fool anyone.

So back to the overheard secret. My first blow cheeked snort of Nitrous created a lovely wobbly tunnel above my head down which I heard odd snippets of disembodied conversation. Each subsequent Nitrous session would yield a few more seconds of the SAME unseen wobbly edged conversation as if overheard from the bottom of a well.

And then one night, as I sat in a living room with a group of pals watching the MTV awards, the Conversation started to happen around me. I sat paralysed with terror as, for a grand total of 20 seconds, I predicted the conversation and laughs of my friends now happening in real time.

This utterly surreal scene was presided over by an exceptionally stoned Patrick Stewart accepting an honorary award for Godzilla.

At that moment, a 17 year old Que? decided she was never touching anything stronger than whisky.
(, Thu 1 Sep 2011, 5:13, 4 replies)
I overheard my son secretly wanking so I brought him a cup of tea

(, Thu 1 Sep 2011, 2:44, 1 reply)
"I'm sure no one around me speaks this language!"
A Polish coworker once told me a of a bus ride into work where he overheard a fellow passenger speaking on the phone in his own native tongue! And here in America!

This wasn't any public bus, but a shuttle that runs between the subway and a world-class research center filled with PhDs like STI's at a reality show casting event.

We worked with all manner of Germans, Indians, and French, but he was the lone Pole. Imagine his excitement to hear Polish outside of his own home!

"He's talking on the phone," says my coworker. "And I can tell it's... someone special to him."

Yep. Without even lowering his voice this guy was "describing to... uh, this other person, what he was going to... DO to her when he got home."

He blushes brightly whenever I get him to repeat what this guy was saying, but to this day I could never get him to translate.
(, Thu 1 Sep 2011, 0:44, Reply)
Salty
Walking home one night through Bethnal Green, I passed two guys chatting. I was just in time to hear one of them utter the immortal line
"I really love the taste of semen."

Actually maybe it was 'seamen'. Either way, I don't think he was taking any girls home to meet mum.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 22:45, 2 replies)
Golden Age Of Wireless
Aye, it were grand, those days of analogue two-way radio, if you were a speccy geek with one of 'em scanner doohickies.

In the very early days before cellular phones, there was System 3, which had about six channels and one base station per city, and only very rich people had them in their Jags, and presumably didn't realise that the things were as powerful as GLR. Very rich people can be very naughty. "Working late in the office, dearest", click, "With you in five minutes, you minx".

But the best was the rozzers. They did those great running commentaries during car chases, and a really good one had MP (the central radio co-ordinator) linking different bits of London together on a shared frequency as the get-away vehicle roared from Kensington to Manor Park.

Not that I listened, it being very naughty even for a poor person, but a friend did.

They tell me: there was a top chase that went from Ealing and headed east. The bad guy was giving it loads, and as different jam sandwiches took up the chase and dropped back, the commentary was getting v. heated.

"Doing fifty up Oxford Street! LEFT LEFT LEFT through... oh, not going in there." "Got him! Seventy! Holborn. Through reds..." and so on.

And then "Wrong side of road! THROUGH THE JUNCTION! SIXTY! And RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT into... into... HE'S GONE INTO EAST HAM NICK! HE'S PARKED IN THE FUCKING CAR PARK!"

Even MP, usually the sternest of critics of non-standard RT, was silent.

A pause, as coppers across the capital listened agog to static.

An unidentified voice: "He must have been late for the lodge meeting"

At which point, MP came on and was very very VERY upset.

All gone these days, all digital and encrypted and that.

(Almost)
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 22:11, 4 replies)
security guards on the pinch
A post down there \/ reminded me of my times listening to the police and mobile phones on my scanners, most of what was heard was routine and very boring, however there was always the chance of some thing interesting, and one neighbor got over heard on his cordless phone talking to a prostitute and arranging for her to visit and setting the price for full sex and anal. She did turn up at the arranged time and she was manky and i am glad i didnt have to go any where near her.

As the title says i over heard security guards pinching, about a quarter mile from me is a one of those very large car storage places and i have on several occasions heard the guards on the cameras saying to the walking patrol that the cameras are facing in such and such direction can you get me some wipers for a corsa or what ever the car was or it would be wheel trims or ariels .
And finally during the funeral for every ones favorite slapper the radio traffic was being co-ordinated by Northamptonshire constabulary and from the comfort of my comfy chair, i listened to the whole procession along with voice comments from out riders and airborne units and once the entourage got on to the motorway they picked up a second entourage that was running ahead in case there was any problems with the hears or other incidents .

Ahh those were the days and nights of hearing the everyone and anyone before they all became paranoid with good reason so it turns out
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 20:29, 1 reply)
I suppose the radio scanner stories have reminded me of one more
back when mobile phones were indeed bricks and cost a pound a minute ( 2 a minute 'in real terms', today's money) and were analogue in nature, meaning anyone with a scanner that could cover 850-950ish MHz could listen in. I didn't have one myself to begin with but was able to borrow one from work. Scan scan scan blah blah blah scan scan scan 'can you pick him up from his piano lesson this week?' etc. blah blah ooh hang on? Sounds like some drug dealers! Exciting listening ahead...

'You got any stuff man?'
'Nah'
'Come on man, you got any stuff'
'I got nuffing, man'
'Ah come on'
'Nuffin. Tell you what I as got though'
'Ai?'
'Audi coop.'
'No way!'
'Yap. I was at the lights, right and this Golf came up to me and the lights go green and I MELTED him.'
'....yeah?'
'I MELTED him'.
'.........yeah?'
'I MELTED HIM'.
'......Bye.'

That's worth paying 2 a minute to impart this VITAL information.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 19:47, Reply)
Apparently Dame Thora was a huge fan of recreational drugs, which she kept in large boxes
blah blah blah Over Hird's E crates
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 19:18, Reply)
When I was in halls of residence
We had shared toilets/bathrooms, and a cleaner would come round every day to give them a wipe over. She would usually be accompanied by an old fella with a broom, who would spend the morning sweeping the same bit of corridor and generally chatting away to her. One morning, I overheard this gem of conversation:

"Ay, Jean, I had a wee this morning and it was orange!"
"Yer wha?"
"I had a wee and it was orange! Is that normal?"
"Erm... as long as it doesn't sting, love"

Not as good as the others on here, but it still makes me smile.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 18:29, Reply)
Shit, I nearly forgot about this one. Happened just a week or so back.
I was staying in a hotel in deepest Lancashire (a small village called Croston - no I don't know why either).

It was 6am on the Sunday morning. The entire hotel was awoken by an enormous screaming match between a man and a woman. We don't know exactly where they were in the hotel, but they seemed so close that they may have actually been in my own bathroom.

After 20 mins of a barely decipherable exchange in deep, gutteral Lancs accents, my radar picked out this small gem, from the gentleman:

"I'VE JUST SPENT A FUCKING HOUR LICKING YOUR FUCKING FANNY OUT YOU FUCKING STUPID COW!"

There was precious little else discussed over breakfast.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 16:31, 2 replies)
Neanderthal
It was at the end of year staff conference and I was having one of those random conversations with a colleague of mine. I'm not sure how we ended up on this particular topic, but we were discussing the extinction of Neanderthals and the various proposed theories of how and why it happened. Having watched some third rate documentary on Channel 5 the night before I was suddenly something of an authority:

"One theory" says I "proposes that Homo sapiens and Neanderthals interbred and that red hair is actually a gene that was passed on to us from Neanderthals. So if you see anyone with red hair it means they are part Neanderthal."

Cue scary looking hirsute ginger bloke, who looks like a cross between Giant Haystacks and Groundskeeper Willy, turning round and glaring at us.

"Oh Thanks!" He says.

"Er obviously, it is only a theory..." I say trying to dig myself out of a hole

Fortunately, he was actually quite good humoured about it. He had studied Archeology at University and had come to his own conclusions that the amount of fossil evidence on human evolution was fairly minimal, and that most theories, were (in his words) "bollocks".
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 16:26, 5 replies)
But only that once!
The other week I was sat quite happily eating my lunch in the work's break area. Outside however a cracker of a slagging phone call was going on. We could hear only one side so decided to fill in the blanks as it went along until we heard the immortal lines...

"I NEVER slept with anyone else, I NEVER cheated on you

--

What, well...

--

Apart from that once..."


The line went dead and we heard no more from there...
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 16:14, Reply)
I live in Glasgow. Lovely place, I'm sure you'll agree.
Getting the bus home just before christmas a couple of years ago I heard this heart-warming exchange.

"But Da, I wants an x-boax da. Da... DA!"

"Shut it ya wee cunt, you'll be gettin fuck all but my boot up yer arse. You're fuckin 12 years old, why the fuck would I buy you a fuckin Christmas present? ya stupid wee prick."

"But Da..."

"I said, fuckin shut it!"

Merry Christmas y'all! Peace out.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 16:12, 5 replies)
Beginning of the alphabet...
Although I don't normally go under the name ab1kenobe in normal real life, my nickname is still AB, and so I am virtually always at the top of people's contact lists (Really must introduced an Aaron into my social group). This isn't normally a problem as people tend to lock their phone now a days (when my mates first started getting mobiles I'd get called all the time).

However, every now and then I'll get someone's pocket calling me, or maybe hear a group of people chatting away, or a mis-sent text. These are normally harmless, but I did once get a text from a girl I kind of knew, who was very shy, butter wouldn't melt, in short exactly the sort of person you wouldn't expect to be sending this:


"Just setting out now, can't wait to see you. I've been thinking of all the things you're going to do to me tonight. I've got my dildo ;) ."

I couldn't resist texting back saying "I'm guessing that wasn't for me..." She hasn't been able to look at me since.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 16:08, 1 reply)
Random conversation overheard in train from Warrington
(Girl on mobile phone speaking loudly): No it was rubbish! It was just a guy on stage pissing and shitting constantly and having wank. Yeah I know! i can't believe our lecturer made us go to it! He told us about another show where this guy lay under the floorboards and got off on the sound of people walking above him! Who wants to go to show where a guy is just wanking continuously underneath you? Modern art is just a crock of shit if you ask me..."
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)
A few years back, in school, I overheard this kid Liam talking about nicking some copper
Shocking!
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Its not that my neighbours are really loud in bed,
but they are at least audible afterwards. During the act, only the diligent moaning of the guy can be heard. This however is followed once he's done by an uncontrollable laughing fit from his lady counterpart. And it goes on for minutes. The first time I heard it, I thought he must have screwed up quite badly. But the same noises would reach my ear on a regular basis from that apartment below for the next three years.
For some reason, meeting the guy in the staircase was never a sociable occurrence for me. But I'm kind of glad I never asked about the noises.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)
Candy Floss
I was on holiday in a shop that sold candy floss when I overheard:
"Wow! It smells like an angel shat in here"
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 14:59, 1 reply)
Someone already posted on police scanners and cellphones, but...
A friend and his siblings were picking up a phone signal on a police scanner in the early days of car phones, when they were the size of shoe boxes and used police radio frequencies. It was a couple fighting, he on the mobile and she reluctant.

The fight apparently was lackluster until she refused to argue while he was using the phone, and he delivered the line, "Get real, no one's going to be listening to this."

Oddly, I rather like this QOTW and wish there were more entries.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
As I passed 2 ladies in the street, the only phrase that I overheard was
"Oh yeah, I'm quite into donkeys and stuff like that...."

Kenneth Williams would probably have had a seizure.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 13:30, Reply)
Overheard in the corridor,
from the half-open door of a senior ornithologist waxing lyrical on the fine, fluffy mating plumage of several herons, "Oh, fur-heads! Egrets!".
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 13:04, 5 replies)
Size guide?
Laura was a petite girl in the office so it raised an eyebrow when she pointed to first to her mouth then to crotch and uttered the immortal line:
"If it doesn't fit in there, it's not going in there".
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 11:34, 5 replies)
Girls, huh! What are they like? (No, really. What are they like?)
I remember visiting Bristol once and walking down to some hostelry near the harbour in the evening. Two really fit girls were walking towards me and as our paths crossed I heard one say to the other "Well, what he lacked in length he made up for in width..."
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 11:04, 3 replies)
Wrong number
About two years ago i was out with the (now) ex missus driving around and about and i kept getting phone calls at an alarming rate from a number i didn't recognise so i decided to text them and find out who it was. Here is a transcript verbatim (names left unchanged to finger the guilty)

Me: Sorry i was driving whos this?

Mark: Hi Sue it's Mark, my wife found your knickers in my car and shes kicked me out, can i stay with you tonight i'll make it worth your while ;)

Me: err, im not Sue, im Boiled_Tater, and good luck finding a place to stay.

Mark: Thanks Boiled_Tater, she's kicked me out!
--------------------------------------------------

What an utter cunt.
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 10:19, Reply)
Back in the day

I used to keep goats. And there was an aeroplane full of spies. etc. I don't know. Something like that anyway. Is it Thursday yet?
(, Wed 31 Aug 2011, 8:49, Reply)
Bert fucked his sister

(, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 22:33, 8 replies)
Bus in Edinburgh, about two years ago
"Aye, he just belted him with the axe. Blood everywhere. Ye cannae bluff a psycho, laddie".
(, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 18:43, 3 replies)
Look, Up in the sky...

Is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it's Clark Kent.

Oh, wait, overheaRd secrets...
(, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 17:31, 3 replies)
my loud neighbours
One night I noticed the familiar sound of a bed bouncing.

Being the typical good neighbour, I turned the TV off, and walked around my bedroom to find the best source of the sound so i could listen better. (the neighbour lives above)

The noise gets louder, then she begins to shout, YES YES YES!

then it stopped.

Then there was some mumbling.

Then they began again. then all of a sudden

" STOP STOP OW OW OW OWWWWW STOP OWWWWWWW"

then hurried footsteps to what i can only presume is their ensuite (mirroring my apartment)

Then the shower being turned on

Then hurried footsteps back..

then into bed to a loud bouncy bed finish.




i think she either pooped the bed doing anal. or she was just too hot.
(, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 16:05, 10 replies)

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