we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "JULIAN ASSANGE'S FAVE DYLAN SONG? KNOCK KNOCKING ON ECUADOR"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* CHEEKY NICE - Kentish Town game show
* HAMBURGER - Autotuned
* FLUORIDE - Enemy or menace?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're dicking around   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  whist waiting for life
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   to start... together"

B3ta email 542  - 17 Aug 2012

Tape this issue on a C90 & pretend it's a podcast:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue542

     Subscribe : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Disscubscribe : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Cheapo Kindle Touch offer - 40% off.

  Last week we gave you the chance to get 40% off
  a Kindle Touch. They sold out very quickly.
  This week they say they've got 250 more of the
  fuckers, so get in quick. That's £65.40
  (+£10P&P) compared to Amazon price of £109. How
  is this possible? Zappi are running loss leaders
  to build up a customer base. They also have 30%
  off iPod Nanos, holidays for 2 in Portugal at £49,
  and an £8 gym pass for 10 sessions.
http://goo.gl/pg8k9

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making nice, fruity smells

  >> Cheeky Flippin' Nice game show <<
  "We stood outside the Job Centre on Kentish
  Town high street, paid a couple of random
  people a tenner and took them into our
  basement," confesses superdonal. "One of the
  rounds involves them stroking Mr Susan's Willy.
  I don't think we paid them enough." Nice to see
  some local, Kentish Town sponsorship involved.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuYIvHJXvNw&feature=plcp


  >> Cat + controller <<
  "Here," begins Sheep! (aka Max X), "Is a film
  about a clever cat that's had enough of his
  human." A terrifying vision of a world turned
  TOPSY-TURVY.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Controller


  >> Rambling on about the economy <<
  "I've tweeted Robert Peston about this," pines
  somegreybloke, "but he hasn't replied." What
  has gone wrong with the economy, explained in
  terms an idiot could understand. And would use.
  Also, nice video thumbnail painting by
  Jamie Gibson.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rambling_on_about_the_economy


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Home Science
  
  Last week we asked for your home-made science
  experiments, especially those involving bangs
  and fire. Some of these you can even do without
  killing yourself:
http://b3ta.com/questions/homescience/

  * UNKNOWN DEVICE - "Went to the city highway
  dept, looking for coloured glass, as they were
  taking down the old incandescent traffic lights
  and replacing them with LED arrays. The guy in
  charge pointed out the scrap heap and told me
  to help myself. In the heap I also found a
  strange thing, shaped approximately like a
  bell, mounted on a bracket. I asked what it was
  but he shrugged, "Maybe one of those detectors
  to control the lights? You know, the kind that
  beeps and looks for an echo?" Sounded fun to
  me, so I took it along with the lenses. Closer
  inspection back in the workshed showed that it
  required standard household current to run via
  two wires sticking out the side. So I did what
  any idiot would: I attached a power cord to it
  and plugged it in. No microwaves emerged.
  Nothing dangerous happened. But inside my
  12'x12' workshed I did now have a fully-working
  air raid siren. It took me a half hour to stop
  shaking and to hear properly again." (The
  Resident Loon)

  * POO CUISINE - "Some friends and I decided to
  microwave a piece of human excrement. Though it
  was but for a fleeting few seconds, the results
  were clear: 1) a marginal increase in the
  excrement's temperature, 2) a diabolical smell
  that remained for several months. It didn't
  smell of excrement so much as a diseased soul."
  (Gertcha_cowson)

  * CUSTARD - "It's possible build a flamethrower
  from some custard powder, a weed-sprayer, a car
  battery and some wire. Blow a nice cloud of
  custard powder into the air over a hot wire
  and, if the consistency of the cloud is right,
  it produces an impressive fireball six or eight
  feet across. Top tip: not all the powder burns.
  Some of it settles on the ground. If, as you
  are playing with your flamethrower, you walk
  around, this is not a problem. If you stop
  moving and do three or four burns in one place,
  a decent-sized layer of fuel will build up
  directly in front of you. The slight breeze
  generated by the fireball will disturb this
  layer and you will experience the joys of a
  secondary dust cloud explosion. These can be
  surprisingly violent and damage trousers inside
  and out." (SonofRojBlake)


  This week's question also brought TheAlmightyBeev
  out of hiding to tell us about his awesome
  home experiments website:
http://www.thenakedscientists.com/kitchenscience


  >> This Week - FOOT IN MOUTH - PART TWO <<
  Why put one foot in your mouth when you can put
  two? We need more of your embarrassing outbursts.
  Confess all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/


-------------------------------------------------

: NATIONAL COMPUTER MUSEUM CHARIDEE AUCTION 
  Old computers fuck yeah

  Anne Rogers writes, "I've been a b3tan lurker
  for 9 years and have never asked for anything
  before. Please could you include this in the
  newsletter? Pretty pretty please? We're holding
  a charity auction event in aid of the National
  Museum of Computing, at Bletchley Park, in
  September, and we're looking for lots of lots!
  Based at the birthplace of computing, it's well
  worth supporting and well worth a visit. 

  "We'll have 75-100 techies in attendance,
  coming from all over the UK. The auction funds
  will support TNMOC in rebuild projects and
  adding to their collection of functional
  historic computers - the largest in Europe -
  which lets visitors get close to the likes of
  BBC Micros and Sinclairs, right back to
  Colossus, the world's first programmable
  computer. Interested parties could contact me
  on Twitter."
http://twitter.com/annerogers  


  Or check out the wonderfully geeky museum here:
http://www.tnmoc.org


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

 * FUCK YOUR NOGUCHI COFFEE TABLE - Blog in
  which the blogger merely tells the pictures of
  household items in lifestyle magazines to fuck
  off. We could probably write a similar one
  pointing out bits of shitty show off web design
  that irritate us.
http://fuckyournoguchicoffeetable.tumblr.com/


  * PANORAMA FROM CURIOSITY LANDER - finally a
  good use for that VR technology, other than
  being in a cyber hot tub with the sexy gender
  of your choice. So what's Mars like? Stony.
http://www.360pano.eu/show/?id=731


  * DISTURBING HENTAI-STYLE ART - funny but also
  potentially exhibit A in a murder trial.
http://imgur.com/a/XuRtU


  * SECRET ROOMS - oh to be a child and live in a
  house where your parents have built you secret
  rooms.
http://bit.ly/QIN49y


  * WOBBLY PENIS-THING - shake it like a Polaroid
  picture. (Although the kids probably don't
  get that lyric these days... Shake it like a
  Wiimote? Shake it like you're having a wank? Or,
  in the words of Robert Smith, shake it like
  milk?)
http://www.staggeringbeauty.com 

 
  * CALCULATE YOUR HEART-RATE VIA AN IPHONE -
  works by measuring light reflection off your
  face; apparently your whole face pulses with
  your heart. Extraordinary stuff. Not that we've
  tried to see if it works - it costs $5 and we
  don't give a bally fuck what speed our heart is
  doing.
http://bit.ly/QIN5ua


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like Seiko TV Watch that doesn't tell the time

  * CARLY RAE JEPSEN CHAT ROULETTE VERSION -
  haven't seen an chatroulette skit for a while.
  Made us load it up - people didn't like our
  face and pressed next a lot, so we wobbled a toy
  Dalek around and shouted, "EXTERMINATE PUNY
  HUMANS!" Much more popular.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCiY1y3uJ3o 


  * MAN ENJOYS HAMBURGER, GETS AUTOTUNED -
  considering junk food is as about as healthy as
  smack, you could see this as an update on Velvet
  Underground's 'Heroin' and ponder how far as a
  culture we have sunk. We wish we loved anything
  in life as much as this guy loves crappy,
  greasy fast food.
http://bit.ly/QIR5uO


  * GHOST TITS MOVIE - fake trailer for a
  Hollywood movie about big breasts gone missing.
  Is this your nightmare? Certainly makes a
  change from a hungry vagina with teeth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/more_on_tits


  * GEORGE FORMBY 'IN DA CLUB' - comedian
  impersonates Formby covering 50 Cent.
  Although Formby himself sang, "With my
  little stick of Blackpool Rock, along the
  promenade I stroll. It may be sticky but I
  never complain, it's nice to have a nibble at
  it now and again," so it's all sort of in
  character really. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_Formby_In_Da_Club


  * LOLYMPIC FAIL COMPILATION - we took great
  delight in not watching the Olympics, the
  opening ceremony (the NHS is saved by dancing
  nurses apparently), the bits in-between (£11b
  that could have been spent on education,
  housing and health spunked on what exactly?)
  and the end (a knackered, old pop star asks you
  to buy an iTunes single; yay.) But, clearly, we
  couldn't avoid hearing the media talk about it.
  Remember it this way: a bunch of clips for a
  Harry Hill clip show:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/olympics/19230791


  * LONDON UNDERGROUND SIMULATOR - Apparently an
  Alan-Partridge sound-alike narrating a London
  Underground "game". It's pretty tame stuff,
  but go to around 12:20 for a bit of "action"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/london_underground_simulator


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Meet the Hitlers

  Peter and Chris Hitler work in real estate.
  Hopefully they'll be able to get you a property
  with a nice lebensraum.
http://ires-llc.net/biographies.html


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Pretend to be a Unicorn game
  
  Couldn't get anywhere in this, but making the
  unicorn stumble and fall over made us giggle
  rather a lot. And maybe that's the point.
http://www.foddy.net/CLOP.html


-------------------------------------------------

: CUTE
  3 Bear cubs rescued from dumpster

  One upon a time there were three bears who got
  stuck in a bin. Mummy Bear was very worried,
  but some nice hairless apes helped out, then
  uploaded a video to YouTube and congratulated
  themselves on being very caring, whilst other
  hairless apes systematically raped and
  destroyed our precious Mother Earth. Shame on
  you. SHAME ON YOU!
http://youtu.be/14pYl9bBwsI 


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Zebra Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create magic via the
  medium of zebra.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * STUD: mischievous nag unloads horse-goo on
  sleeping pal (Fresh Water Mole) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824132

  * RIPLEY: in space, no-one can hear you whinny
  (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824297
    
  * SISTER: violent spin on classic playground
  joke (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10824277
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zebras/


  >> New challenge: British Comics <<
  This week's challenge is to celebrate
  yesteryear's great British comic books and
  characters. Your choice is rich and varied,
  from the Beano and Dandy via Tiger & Scorcher
  through Rupert The Bear and Commando. Challenge
  suggested by prodigy69.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/british-comics/


-------------------------------------------------

: DENTAL CARE CORNER
  Advice on teeth care from our readers

  Follow this as your own risk:

  * YAY FOR FOR FLUORIDE - Averydryfino writes,
  "Re brown stains on teeth: fluorosis can only
  occur when teeth are being formed, not after
  they have erupted. In Britain, it's very rare
  to see fluorosis bad enough to result in brown
  stains, as we do not have fluoridated water.
  Fluoride is naturally-occurring (found in real
  ale and tea!) and helps prevent cavities. By
  all means, use a fluoride-free toothpaste, as
  it keeps dentists like me in a job."


  * YAY FOR NOT USING TOOTHPASTE - sandettie lva
  writes, "Further to the dental hygiene section
  of the newsletter (well the brown teeth thing,
  but I have another revelation), two different
  dentists have told me, and friends have been
  told similar by their dentists, that toothpaste
  is a con and is unnecessary. Brushing with just
  water is adequate to keep your teeth clean.
  Although toothpaste does contain a mild
  abrasive in the form of bicarbonate of soda,
  replacing the brush often enough that the
  bristles don't go soft will more than suffice.
  Apart from that, toothpaste contains a foaming
  agent which only serves to make you think it
  cleans your teeth, fluoride which is also
  unnecessary as there is adequate fluoride in
  your tap water, and a minty substance which only
  serves you make your mouth feel cold when you
  inhale much like any other mints you may eat,
  and people associate that with freshness,
  purely down to marketing. Furthermore I have
  found that merely brushing with tap water has
  the effect that I no longer suffer with morning
  breath anymore. Your breath shouldn't smell
  anyway unless you smoke, have consumed strong
  tasting foods, not cleaned your teeth or have a
  throat infection. I recommend you give it a try
  for a week and then report back."


  Personally, we suspect the best favour you could
  do your teeth is pulling them out with pliers
  so you can give softer blow jobs.


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
 Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * THE DECONSTRUCTING WORLD - "Cheeky/shameless
  self-plug approaching," warns Jimtastic. "I
  wrote a book. And I published it. And now I'm
  giving all the profits to charity!  Kindly
  check out The Deconstructing World (by R A
  Farmer - aka me) at lulu.com or amazon.co.uk -
  written by the sort of brain that loves b3ta,
  for the sort of brain that loves b3ta. Only
  with less kittens and shit."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1471055361/b3ta-21


  * 'TO YOUR HEALTH' EXHIBITION - "Hello you!"
  greet b3ta stalwarts Hero of Switzerland. "So
  we're having a little get together and we'd
  love for you to pop by and have a beer with us,
  maybe a cider? ...and of course, have a look at
  some lovely work by some lovely people."
http://www.heroofswitzerland.com/


  * B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL -  mike woz ere writes,
  "The season is almost upon us and that means
  that it's the time to make a fantasy football
  team and convince yourself it's excellent and
  then stop playing the game in 2 weeks time."
  We're going to resist saying anything negative
  about football, because we're all grown up now.
http://fantasy.premierleague.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAKES FOR A LOW-CARB DIET - that means no
  flour or sugar and they should be made from
  solid meat.

  * ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS FOR EYEGLASSES,
  FEATURING SALT-n-PEPA - "Let's talk about specs
  baby"

  * NEW FLAVOURS OF CELEBRITY-ENDORSED CRISPS -
  smokey bacon could be Salt'n'Peppa Pig.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Witty people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Shitty people: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @GigerPunk,
  &#8207;@jvmills, @itsdanprice, gronkpan, The Scrunt,
  Ken Putin, claptonista, wideeye,
  Captain_lambkin, Fray Brentos, largoembargo,
  weaver, @mattround. Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
  Wet-chinned bag shanker. Top tip via
  Theophilous Thunderwulf.

-------------------------------------------------

  Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Yah.
  Yah who?
  FFS, it's not 1997 anymore, the cool kids are
  using Bing.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Gentlemen! Do a good deed: give teenage girls a
  much-needed confidence boost by pretending to
  check them out, when you're sitting opposite
  them on the Tube.

  Do you have a tip you'd like to share with your
  fellow members of b3ta?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

next issue »
« previous issue