we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "TWO DAYS UNTIL THE NHS CLOSING CEREMONY"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* ANIM - Printer Jam, final Trapped In Tech song
* CYRIAK - Makes stuff for Adam Buxton
* GIFS - And this time they are spooky

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're glad the Olympics
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  is nearly over but will
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  miss the empty streets" 

B3ta email 541 - 10th Aug 2012

Bleep this issue on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue541 

   Kisses :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Pisses : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  40% off Kindle Touch

  Zappi Deals is offering the Kindle Touch for
  £65.40 (+£10P&P) which compared to Amazon price
  of £109 is a stunning bargain. 40% off. Amazing
  price - actually cheaper than the bog standard
  Kindle. Is there a catch? Apparently not, it's
  one off loss leader to get new customers so get
  in quick.
http://ow.ly/cSBYZ

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Lots of stuff! Yay!

  >> Printer Jam <<
  "The final part of our 5 part song series about
  technology!" exclaims ginger umlaut Rob Manuel.
  "Thanks to @superpowerless for doing a great
  job with the music, @peepshowcircus for the
  animation and Mondo for asking us to do it.
  Hope you enjoyed it. Bye-bye Trapped in
  Technology, bye-bye, we'll miss all the crazy
  YouTube comments from teenage Americans who had
  literally no idea where we were coming from."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJi-ySzQYYE


  >> The counting song <<
  "Here's something I knocked up for Adam
  Buxton's Bug TV show," explains Cyriak. "A
  sure-fire antidote to depression." Ah, the
  simple joys of early childhood.
http://b3ta.com/links/The_counting_song


  >> Rejigged Galaxy ad <<
  "That's Galaxy as in chocolate, not gadget,"
  sort-of-clarifies kfk, adding more
  extracurricular activities for the peculiarly
  furtive, chocolate-eating girl.
http://bit.ly/MGOIgN


-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT
  Jesus Plasters

  Leon007 writes, "Just read the latest
  newsletter, very impressed by the 'Woman
  rejecting a plate of food' page, but never mind
  that, I've discovered 'Jesus - first aid in a
  tin'"

  Best review? "I had previously suffered a
  shotgun blast to the head and the doctors said
  there was nothing they could do. Eventually I
  discovered these and within seconds of applying
  the small plaster to the huge hole in my head I
  was cured. Praise the Lord and his mighty ways."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0014DNPU4/b3ta-21

  BTW: Have you bought some tat on Amazon and
  added "amusing" comments? Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * SPOOKY GIFS - Graphic artist Kevin Weir takes
  old black and white photos and animates them.
  This is what the B3ta board might have looked
  like in Victorian times. 
http://fluxmachine.tumblr.com/


  * RICH KIDS OF INSTAGRAM - in a series of
  photos that can only provoke class war, the
  foolish kids of the rich show off their bling.
  Their parents presumably would be horrified:
  the way to stay rich is to be unobtrusive.
http://richkidsofinstagram.tumblr.com/


  * SEX QUESTIONS FORM SEVENTH GRADERS - always
  fascinating to hear kids trying to understand
  the world.
http://sexquestionsfromseventhgraders.tumblr.com


  * WHAT'S STEVE JOBS TYPICAL DAY LIKE? - check
  the last answer (says '1 Answer Collapsed').
  Ho ho ho.
http://b.qr.ae/MGOOoJ


  * SOMETIMES INTERESTING THINGS - a website for
  "weird, forgotten and sometimes interesting
  things." We particularly enjoyed reading about
  Giethoorn; a town with no roads - sounds like
  a paradise. 
http://sometimes-interesting.com/


  * GUERRILLA ART ON THE TUNE - great stickers on
  London public transport. You'll probably get
  shot for doing this these days mind you.
http://bit.ly/MGP07t

-------------------------------------------------

: STEVIERAR WRITES A BOOK
  A real one, not that Kindle/Lulu bollocks  

  You've seen Stevierar's punning venn diagram
  images - we've front-paged loads of them. He
  writes, "I have written a book, called 'Falafel
  the Cat', I've been working on it for about for
  four years now. I've finally got it printed
  (properly, I was brave and went straight to a
  printer)."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/095732460X/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Screwed over by the man
 
  We asked for your stories of being stiffed by
  employers, stepped on by authorities or
  anything else that left you miffed:
http://b3ta.com/questions/screwedover/

  * BANNED - "I used to be in a jazz band called
  'The Banned' We were playing a jazz medley of
  Christmas carols in fancy dress. Our drummer
  had gotten rather excited and was wearing a
  full size padded Frosty the Snowman costume,
  complete with giant head. The heating was on
  full blast, and all the stage lights were on
  and halfway through the medley the drummer got
  dizzy with the heat and stopped playing,
  resting his head in his hands. The kids in the
  audience watched as Frosty decided to get off
  stage. He wobbled his way out of the kit, wove
  through the rest of the band, and then lost his
  direction and staggered stage front. "Oh
  dammmnnnn..." he said slowly, the sound muffled
  through the thick costume. We kept playing.
  Perhaps we could write this one off as an
  interpretative dance. Frosty staggered stage
  left, and then reeled back from the curtain
  and, finally, fainted. Two hundred kiddies
  screamed as the snowman collapsed and his head
  fell off, rolling... slowly... slowly... into
  the middle of the stage, where its cold dead
  coal eyes stared at them accusingly. It was a
  great gig. I don't see why they refused to pay
  us." (Sivvus)

  * ZAPPED - "There is no creature so foul as a
  London letting agent. After we'd been in our
  three-storey house for a couple of months, the
  top floor bathroom started leaking. They sent
  some cowboy builders round, after which the
  leak got considerably worse. They refused to
  revisit a problem "that was fixed already."
  Over time, the leak made its way to the 1st
  floor, where the ceiling gently dripped and
  various interesting mould and fungi grew. Then,
  during a particularly heavy storm, it poured
  trhrough through the light fitting in the
  living room. Our contract was ending, but
  rather than fix the place up, they immediately
  tried to let it to hapless students. Various
  teenagers trooped in and out, one with her
  mother. We had a big sign next to the light
  switch reminding us not to use it. "DO NOT USE
  THIS LIGHT OR YOU WILL ELECTROCUTE YOURSELF AND
  BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, KTHXBAI" The mother asked
  what this was about. "There's nothing wrong
  with it, it's lies, the current tenants want to
  stay, they just put that sign there to put you
  off," said the agent. "In that case, you won't
  mind switching on the light." Caught between
  admitting he'd lied and zapping himself, he
  proved enough of a stupid fuckwit to switch it
  on, predictably causing massive blue flashes to
  light up the house like some sort of
  potentially lethal Christmas tree.
  (grandmasterfluffles)
 
  * BUSTED - "I got screwed over by these three
  guys claiming they caught a real nasty "Class 5
  Free Roaming Vapour" in my hotel ballroom. Had
  to fork out $5000 or they were going to put it
  back in there. Mrs. Van Hoffman wasn't happy
  about her party being ruined either." (Claude
  Speed )


  >> This Week - Home Science <<
  Have you split the atom in your kitchen? Made
  your own fireworks? Fired a bacon rocket
  through your window? We love home science
  experiments - tell us about your best here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/homescience/


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Anal Sheikh

  In the week where the guy in the line for the
  US Presidency doesn't know the difference
  between Sikh and Sheikh (or worse, he does
  know, but wants to insult people) let us
  introduce you to our new favourite solicitor
  who hopefully won't use the power of law to
  shut us down after we mention him.
https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Anal+Sheikh


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if VHS flew magically through the air

  * INTERESTING TOXIC WASTELAND - Ed Blackadder
  writes, "In the early 1900s, an attempt was
  made to turn to turn a Californian desert into
  an artificial sea. This 5 minute film tells the
  story of how it all went wrong."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otIU6Py4K_A


  >> Funny short made with Source Filmmaker <<
  Source Filmmaker is a 3D animation tool that
  lets you create movie sequences inside the
  Team Fortress game - the Windows version is
  free to download and people are doing amazing
  things with it - including this clip that
  features motion capture via Xbox Kinect
  controllers. The tools to create the next Toy
  Story are now available for your local PC.
  Amazing times.
http://bit.ly/MGP2Mz


  >> Cockneys Vs Zombies <<
  Twitter legend and occasional Dr Who writer
  James Moran has written a new movie that looks
  like it could be rather entertaining and
  apparently set in a campy parallel world where
  the London's cockneys actually live in the
  East End, rather than moving out to Essex
  a generation or two back.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cockneys_Vs_Zombies


  >> Tom Waits - Hell Broke Luce <<
  New Tom Waits video apparently about Jeff
  Lucey, a marine who committed suicide after
  returning from Iraq. We suspect the solution to
  military suicide is in many ways simple: stop
  asking soldiers to execute horrific wars. If
  the job was, say, stroking bunnies all day, a
  lot less suicide.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tom_Waits_Hell_Broke_Luce


-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Harry, my cat died...

  Takartha80 recommends, "Twitter account
  @Harrymycatdied, which retweets when One
  Direction fans tell Harry Styles that they've
  got a dead cat." Epic, epic trolling.
http://twitter.com/HarryMyCatDied


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Wild West Web Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture the cowboy
  internet.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * JOKE: splendid early example of charming,
  race-based web humour (greg_evigan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10819557
 
  * 419: those pesky scammers, seeking to con the
  bushwackers and biscuit shooters of the West
  (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10819592
  
  * DUEL: he might be the man with no name, but
  you can bet he has an Apple ID (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10819428
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wildwestweb/


  >> New challenge: Zebras! <<
  It's National Zebra Week. And, if it isn't, it
  ought to be. To mark the occasion, we'd like
  you to photoshop this magnificent beast,
  perhaps the stripiest of all the horse-creatures.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zebras/


-------------------------------------------------

: FEAR OF MURDOCH CORNER
  Don't upset the grand wizard

  A reader wrote wrote us an email this week
  slagging off Fox News. Nothing out of the
  ordinary but we enjoyed the follow-up email
  sent two minutes later:

  "EEK, IMPORTANT, HELP! If you use it in the
  newsletter please use my *name redacted* and
  not my email name, as I am sort of affiliated
  with Fox and would rather not be murdered by
  Murdoch's ninjas, thanks very muchly..."


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOW NOW BROWN TEETH - Jamtarts writes,
  "You're asking about how to stop those brown
  stains on teeth, one of the symptoms of dental
  fluorosis is brown, mottled teeth. Use non
  fluoride toothpaste. Results will not be
  instant, but at least you'll stop adding to the
  problem." Hmm googling this stuff takes us down
  a rabbit hole of tin-foil-hattery about
  fluoride being a mind control drug used to
  lower our IQ and close our psychic third eye so
  we can't unlock the programming created by the
  media. And we just thought our teeth we brown
  because we drink too much tea!


  * DICK FUN - Simon 049 writes, "The Dick
  Cockhead item is real. I worked with him (in
  the ambulance service, after he left the
  police) although he had changed his name by
  deed poll by the time I met him. Colleagues
  told me that was his old name and I didn't
  immediately believe them either. He's retired
  now, but I expect a few of his old colleagues
  will see this as B3ta is something we read (on
  night shifts, when there aren't any managers
  around)."


  * MICROWAVE WOE - The Togaboy writes, "I just
  saw the top tip at the bottom of this weeks
  newsletter.  I don't know if anyone's told you
  yet, but putting water in a microwave is a
  really dangerous thing to do. Quite a lot of
  people have been hurt this way." Hmm, probably
  dangerous but we used to like microwaving water
  then dropping instant coffee in it to see it
  foam up. Simple pleasures of the 1980s.
http://www.animations.physics.unsw.edu.au/jw/superheating.htm


  * ANGRY COMPLAINTS - Tina writes, "Your
  disgusting language attacking Deila Smith is
  pathetic. In wanting to know more about
  poaching I would follow Delia than pathetic pin
  heads like you who prefer foul language to
  civilised behaviour. People like you make the
  world a worse place." Tina is of course
  referring to our ancient cooking advice that
  featured the extremely upsetting passage, "A
  poached egg shouldn't look like a mucus covered
  fried-egg. Delia knows jack-shit about poaching
  eggs." We're very, very sorry.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Even more stuff! More Yays! More Lympics!

  >> Lucky London couple catch all GB medals <<
  Unbelievable as it may sound, "one lucky couple
  from London has an amazing knack of picking
  events where GB will win medals." Jurassicpaul
  has the inside info on this statistical anomaly.
http://b3ta.com/links/Lucky_London_Couple_Catch_all_GB_medals


  >> Games Fever <<
  "You can't escape it," intones Bewley. And,
  indeed, even London's bacteria seem to have got
  in on the act.
http://b3ta.com/links/Games_Fever


  >> The starter man's authority <<
  "Iamthemonkey and I thought the starter man at
  the 100 metres should really take full
  advantage of his position of authority,"
  expounds superdonal. Athletes need to learn to
  respect the man with the gun...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO84Nff65ao&feature=plcp


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * YOUR SHIT COMEDY TATTOOS - ginger love muscle
  suggests, "Entertain people by tattooing the
  words 'Where's Wally?' onto your chest, and a
  small caricature of wally around your anus."

  * AUTO TRANSLATE VIDEO FOR LOLS - you know
  those websites that translate a phrase
  backwards and forwards to create amusing
  phrasing? Code one that takes the subtitles
  from a movie and does the whole thing in
  real time? Preferably to be watched with
  non-English audio.

  * SNOOZE BUTTON FOR ITUNES/SPOTIFY - we often
  put it on pause to watch a YouTube video
  etc and then forget to put it back on.
  Something that just made it quiet for 3 mins
  might help.
  
  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

  This newsletter was written listening to Mike
  Oldfield - the lack of lyrics makes him easy to
  work to. Reading up on his music via Wikipedia
  we learn that his Amarok album contains a
  hidden message. Oldfield offered £1k prize to
  person who found it. Message was  - in morse - 
  Fuck Off RB (Richard Branson).

-------------------------------------------------

 Cool(ish) cats:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Foolish twats: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SickRik Valentin
  stuartalldred rob.elli Jimbotfu SleeplessAndy
  Lord of Teh 9 King Ralph Alzo francis.li Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Drunken Miss Photoshop Bitch.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  For a window into the deepest pits of human
  despair, search Twitter for TravelodgeUK.
  Saturdays and Sundays are particularly good
  when the punters realise that they are not at a
  Premier Inn. (Scaryduck)

next issue »
« previous issue