we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "FOREIGN? TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING? YOU'RE A TERRORIST"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* B3TAN RECIPIES - Some of them almost eatable
* TIEBREAKER - Win a wheel with 10 tongues
* SONG - Phone Rage

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're typing words and
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   hoping they're good
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    enough... together"

B3ta email 536  - 6th July 2012

Upload this issue to your brainCloud:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue536 

    Thumbs up :   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Thumbs brown : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: NEWSLETTER TIEBREAKER COMPO: Win a Sqweel 2
  A masturbatory aid with 10 tongues!

  This is one of the odder promos that's come up
  for B3ta. Normally it's T-shirts but we thought
  the er... curious nature of this product might
  amuse. Or even excite.

  Lovehoney are a site that sells adult toys.
  They've just launched The Squeel 2 - which is
  a basically a wheel that's covered in 10 or
  so rubber tongues.

  Anyway. We have 3 to give away. Complete the
  tiebreaker, "I'd like to use a Squeel 2 to..."
http://b3ta.com/board/10801901


  Or read about the Sqweel 2 on the Lovehoney site.
  (Page it links to is sort of safe for work, if
  rubber tongues are safe for work - there's no
  nudey stuff anyway.)
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=24042


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1

  >> Phone Rage <<
  "I really hate phones!" bellows Rob Manuel,
  b3ta supremo. "Who makes calls these days?
  The only people who ring me are giving me
  bad news! Me, @superpowerless and
  @Peepholecircus have made part three of our
  Trapped in Technology rock opera."
http://robmanuel.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/phone-rage.html


  >> No Friends <<
  "A Friends intro for those who don't have any,"
  explains CaptainTrain. Poignant.
http://bit.ly/NHz3ao


  >> City Trader FTW <<
  BIG FACE has a BBC sketch show pilot. "The
  original taster tape was made in a cupboard
  with fellow b3tan Sheep. I wanted it to have
  a home-made b3ta tone and I achieved this by
  wanking and screaming in the dark whilst
  writing and directing it and you can see
  it (a clip, I mean) here:"
http://bit.ly/OnPuNL


  The full thing here:
http://bbc.in/LURU7W


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  The Dictator's Handbook: a Practical Manual

  Think you can handle the ultimate power? This
  book will show you the way: 13 easy steps to
  being the world's next tyrant, with 14
  illustrations by HappyToast.

 -- 'This book sucks. I want my money back.'
         -- Moammar Khadaffi
   -- 'Total crap. I already know all this.'
         -- Kim Jong Il
http://dictatorshandbook.net


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The B3ta Cookbook
 
 Last week we asked for your recipes, cooking
 tips and favourite ingredients... ah, who are we
 kidding. We asked for stories about shit food
 that screwed your digestive tract:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cookbook

 * FIRE IN THE HOLE! - "I rather foolishly once
  allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night
  before a festival. As far as I can tell his
  recipe was as follows: take pack of shitty, cheap
  mince; add most of a container of chili powder,
  one chopped white onion, a tin of cheap tomatoes,
  kidney beans and cumin; throw into a saucepan and
  cook over fierce heat until the bottom smoulders
  and welds itself to the pan. Serve to friend who's
  about to spend 4 days in a field with terrifying
  portaloos. I managed 1/3 of a bowl before my eyelids
  were sweating so fiercely I couldn't see. I ran
  for a pot of Greek yoghurt. Nothing. Tried fresh
  fruit, banana, chocolate, milk - nothing would
  extinguish the flames. But this was only the start.
  Seriously, my arsehole was like a fucking oxyacetylene
  lance for three days. Forget shit through the eye
  of a needle, I could have melted the needle and the
  hand holding it. All this in the confines of a
  portaloo in thirty-degree heat. I'm sweating, tears
  in my eyes, clutching a woefully-inadequate amount
  of cheap, scratchy, festival toilet paper, with Mount
  fucking Vesuvius blasting clods of molten magma out
  of my jacksie like a goddamn Gatling cannon loaded
  with mace. I've never forgiven him: anything he ever
  cooks again, I treat with the same distrust I'd
  give a hole in an Afghan road covered with
  corrugated iron." (UppityDamnPrimate)
 
 * MAGIC RECIPE - "Ingredients: Long grass, garlic,
  basil, pine nuts, olive oil. Thresh the grass and
  throw the seeds away. Put the stalks in a low oven
  to dry them thoroughly. While that's happening,
  crush the garlic, chop the basil and pine nuts,
  put them in a jar with the olive oil, screw down
  the lid and shake well. Take the grass out of the
  oven and arrange on a serving plate. Drizzle over
  the sauce. And ... Hay Pesto!" (ubergeekian)
 
 * WOOING - "MEN: How to woo your future wife:
  1) Invite object of affection over for dinner.
  Remove flatmates and porn. 2) Assemble fresh pasta,
  salmon fillets, white wine, cream, garlic, lemon
  juice, fresh parsley. 3) Cook pasta. Bake salmon.
  4) Add white wine to saucepan and reduce by half.
  Add cream, garlic and lemon juice, salt & pepper,
  then flake the salmon fillets and stir through.
  5) Mix with pasta, garnish with parsley and serve.
  6) Consume with several bottles of New Zealand
  Sauvignon Blanc, while modestly denying that you
  are in fact the greatest chef who has ever lived.
  7) Make no attempt whatsoever to fend off future
  wife, who is by this point making growling noises
  and dry-humping the couch.
  WOMEN: How to woo your future husband: 1) Invite
  object of affection to local inn or hostelry.
  Consume own weight in Dry Blackthorn. 2) Stumble
  home 'refreshed' with equally unsteady companion.
  Pause briefly to urinate in council grit bin.
  3) Once home, open freezer and extract: 700ml
  bottle own brand vodka, 48 pack own brand fish
  fingers. 4) Grill entire box until charcoal on
  one side frozen on other. Lubricate process with
  vodka. 5) Consume entire pile of fish fingers like
  biblical plague of locusts in complete silence.
  6) Retire to boudoir, leaving grill on. Attempt
  bestial congress. Lose consciousness...
  I bloody love that woman." (Monkey Tennis)


  >> This Week - Cunning Plans <<
  Ever come up with a cunning plan for something?
  Did it work? What went wrong? Do you look back
  through the filter of the years with a burning
  sense of shame? Tell us, do:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cunningplans/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> NTK returns <<
  "Hey B3ta it's @FakeDaveGreen," writes Dave
  Green, of 90s internet newsletter colossus
  Need To Know. "As you've probably seen, Danny
  has brought back NTK... *exactly* as everyone
  remembers."
http://www.tinyletter.com/annontk


  >> Drawsum <<
  Draw what you like on a wall that the internet
  can look at. Yes, the whole world is now the
  partition between cubicles in the gents toilet
  of Watford Gap services in 1989.
http://www.drawsum.com


  >> Idiots' credit cards on Twitter <<
  Astounding foolishness, as Twitter numbskulls
  post photos of their credit cards on Twitter
  without even the decency of an Instagram
  filter to cover their modesty.
https://twitter.com/needadebitcard


  >> Find 'women in the mood' <<
  Slightly creepy - an auto-stalk function that
  finds people on Twitter & Facebook, jabbering
  on about how daring they are for reading 50
  Shades of Grey.
http://whoisreading50shadesofgrey.com/


  >> The 'real' UK citizenship test. <<
  Could you live in the UK? Questions that test
  your knowledge of the actual, useless crap
  that fills your head in modern Britain.
http://realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php?n=1


  >> American patriotism fantasy art <<
  Renowned figures from US history, kicking ass
  in the most epic fashion imaginable. We
  particularly like Ben Franklin vs. Zeus, and
  JFK on his robot moon-unicorn (moonicorn).
http://imgur.com/a/r15rj


  >> Saturday morning faces <<
  When you were a kid, Saturday morning was for
  watching cartoons. Now it's for watching
  cartoons and being hungover. Here's the face
  of the morning after the night before.
http://sobotarano.blogspot.com/



-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT
  Oh the mental shit they sell

  * WINE GLASS HOLDER NECKLACE - because you need
    both hands to, I dunno, hide your face in
    shame for using it? Best reviews, "With freedom
    with my arms, I can even hug my parents who
    threatened disownment for drinking so much!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000W43HF4/b3ta-21


  * NICK HUMBY PHOTO JIGSAW - enjoyable mostly for
    the playing along pretend-baffled reviews:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002113DSW/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Redefining funny to its antonym since 2001

  @beaubodor writes, "Domain name for newsletter.
  British Military Fitness or is it for the the
  lovely ladies of British Milf IT?" 
http://www.britmilfit.com


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV with a more uncomfortable seat 

  >> Chatbots chat <<
  The awkward conversations of the impending
  future, as artificial intelligences make
  nonsensical smalltalk and bicker meaninglessly.
  The top one is our fave, as we like to think
  UK Siri is really Gadget Show's Jason Bradbury.
http://www.cleverbot.com/cleverthem


  >> A Conversation With My 12-Year-Old Self <<
  In 1992, Jeremiah McDonald recorded a video
  with a message for his future self. Twenty
  years on, the grizzled and cynical film-maker
  he's become talks with the enthusiastic child
  he used to be. Refreshingly unsentimental.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFGAQrEUaeU


  >> Redubbed Barclays ad <<
  One of those annoying arch Barclays ads, with
  a more topical voiceover. Contains swears and
  rightly so.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Redubbed_Barclays_ad


  >> Moby Michael Stipe Song <<
  Adam Buxton sings a song of speccy slapheads.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Moby_Song


  >> I Put A Spell On You - lip sync <<
  Mostly an excuse to listen again to Screamin'
  Jay Hawkins' memorably unhinged theme tune,
  but there are some serious mime skills on
  display. Like watching an owl regurgitate a
  pellet, in a musically menacing fashion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_put_a_spell_on_you_lip_sync


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Double the trouble in this internet bubble

  >> My Little Friends game <<
  "You are a giant robot," insists Yanmania.
  "Protect your little friends or just stamp on
  them all, is up to you."
http://www.yanmania.com/comments/my_little_friends/


  >> Grey Bloke on computer games <<
  "A short video about video gaming," informs
  somegreybloke. It's funny because it's true.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_short_video_about_video_gaming


  >> Milkman <<
  "We don't need any milk do we?" beams cherubic
  Joel Veitch. "Yes. Yes we do." Fraught with
  Veitchian menace.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Milkman



-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Invention Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture famous
  inventions as if they'd been devised by
  alternative inventors

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MOGGY: the internet's famed feline
    quadrocopter as envisaged early doors 
    by Renaissance polymath (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10795438
 
  * FATTY: conveyor belt burger contraption
    from jump-suited king of rock'n'roll
    (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10798209 
  
  * DATA: storage devices from bobbins 
    Poppins cockney and blind jazzer (The 
    Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10799246 
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/inventors/


  >> New challenge: The Week In Pictures <<
  Create something using only the pictures 
  found on BBC News Day In Pictures from 
  the day the image challenge is posted 
  onwards. Fresh hummus for each day of the 
  challenge, suggested by ferret
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/week-in-pictures/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOW BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS CHANGE YOUR DNA -
  The Unknown Anorak writes, "My missus had a
  BMT about three years ago so I got to know
  some of the ins and outs. She's now technically
  a chimera, which means she has two distinct
  sets of DNA. Most of it is her own, but her
  bone marrow, blood and immune system is that
  of her donor. 

  "So SandettieLVA is bang on the money and
  there's no real point me sending you this,
  other than as a thinly-veiled plea to plug
  AnthonyNolan.org - they find bone marrow
  donors for people who desperately need it
  and they saved my wife's life. Bone marrow
  extraction is all done with drugs and
  centrifuges these days and doesn't hurt
  like it used to. So if there's any way you
  can squeeze in a mention and let the b3tans
  know it's painless and risk-free, we'd really
  appreciate it!" This is a register you
  *should* get on:
http://www.anthonynolan.org/


  * SHED 2012 WINNERS - unclewilco writes,
  "I know how excited you b3tans are. Well bait
  your breath no longer - the winner of the
  best shed competition (2012) has been announced.
  The woodhenge pub shed managed to beat off
  tough competition and take the title of 'Shed
  of the year'. John, the owner, has spent 4
  years building his perfect hideaway, which
  does a great job of storing his collection
  of beer and cider."
http://bit.ly/KMQeam


  * LOSING WEIGHT - leo writes, "I have no medical
  qualifications but have lost over five stone
  since November, which probably means I'm doing
  stuff that works well for me, if not everyone.
  I did it by cutting out the carbs: no bread,
  pastry, potatoes, rice, pasta or sugary fruit
  and the like. I also have a two-mile walk to
  and from work each day.

  "It should be noted that losing a dramatic
  amount of weight is relatively expensive, as
  it requires buying at least one new wardrobe
  of clothes. You also asked for the age of
  anyone writing to you. I am currently 38
  but do not think this is a factor in the
  weight loss."


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * THE BOOK OF LEFT-WING JOKES - an idle thought
    this morning that lots of humour is based on
    kicking down (poor, foreign, disabled) etc
    and an alternative would be kicking up
    (authority, business etc). Er.. What's the
    difference between a bucket of shit and a
    Tory? The bucket. Which the Tories have
    part-privatised through PFI and it'll cost
    you £15billion by 2028. Bleh.
  
  * CALORIES ON BOOZE PACKAGING - how come this
    info is stuck on most things you can buy,
    but not the "roast dinner in a bottle" that
    is a bottle of wine?
 
  * AN OFF-BUTTON FOR LOUISE MENSCH - or a least
    a Chrome plug-in that makes her disappear
    from the Internet.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

   Sexy people : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Smelly people : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by StaHi,&#8207;@PigB0dine,
  @JeremiahMc, Dick Wonder, AlbertTatlock,
  Herman Blume, @jingies, @LeeRedders, @TomDavenport,
  pissflaps, technocore, sue.ryder, smellymoo.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Top tips via A Vagabond.
  Subjlols via Smallbrainfield.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  TV executives - stuck for programme ideas? Why
  not get a pretty girl to present some of her
  favourite, mediocre recipes, in an enthusiastic,
  slightly patronising manner? 

next issue »
« previous issue