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NEWSLETTER: "LESS CORRUPT THAN YOUR AVERAGE BANK BUT MORE LIKELY TO BE JAILED"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Tell us your recipes 
* BATMAN - on home-made bike
* DALEKS - invade Newcastle

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Calling people named  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   Graham 'Grey Ham' 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    until they hit us"

B3ta email 535  - 29 June 2012

Get Siri to read this issue whilst you masturbate:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue535

      SubSub :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   The Doves : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Martina Navratilova leers at girl photo

  With a picture we've looked at 5 times and are
  still giggling about, you now have the chance
  to own your very own copy of famous tennis
  lesbian Martina Navratilova having a good old
  butchers up a ball girl's skirt. NSFWish.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001NHBCLU/b3ta-21

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than makin' lurrve via animated GIFs

  >> Terry Wogan's Sexy Birthday <<
  "Ladies and Gentlemen," begins Butters. "There
  is a fine line between caricature and
  harassment..." See a line being crossed:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Wogans_Sexy_Birthday


  >> Newcastle rain Daleks <<
  Swiftly on the scene of the Newcastle floods,
  Breaker of Laptops has discovered that it was
  all masterminded by none other than the Daleks.
http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dalek_rain


  >> Isle of Spagg <<
  "Here is something what we have made," writes
  Myles McLeod. "A half-hour animated TV pilot
  called Isle of Spagg." Wow, it's a whole,
  proper show, with plot and everything - like
  Balamory meets Portland Bill, directed by
  David Lynch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_whole_half_hour_of_Isle_of_Spagg


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Clubs, Gangs & Societies

  We wanted your stories of joining in and being
  sociable. You know, with other people who are 
  in the same room? Madness:
http://b3ta.com/questions/clubsandgangs/

  * MOONCAKE - "My best friend from University 
   left the Roman Catholic church but clearly 
   needed to fill the spiritual void: he tried
   Freemasons, Martinists, even the Scientologists.
   But what really drew him in was the Ancient
   and Mystical Order of the Rosy Cross - The
   Rosicrucians. Dedicated to uncovering the 
   mysteries of the universe through ritual, 
   chanting, meditation and the reading of long 
   monographs about astral travel, they are completely
   bonkers but seemed harmless enough. He was 
   crapping on about the day's chanting and Ancient
   Egyptian symbolism, when suddenly I heard the 
   phrase "vestal virgins." "Are you joking? You
   don't have vestal virgins do you?" He insisted
   that they did - 12-year-old girls in white robes
   who assisted at the rituals. "Yeah, they're 
   children of lodge members," said my friend, "so
   it's not like there's anything dodgy going on."
   Except... for the ritual of the mooncake. This
   is a piece of dough that is scattered with 
   menstrual blood, baked and then eaten. It 
   symbolises... oh Christ, I don't care what it
   symbolises. But where do they get the menstrual
   blood from? The vestal virgins. Can you imagine
   being twelve, having your first period, and your
   parents asking you to collect it in an egg cup
   because they want to do a bit of baking? Honestly,
   this is the sort of thing that makes Christianity
   and Islam look almost sane." (Mr Mann)

  * BAT. IT'S A BAT - "One place I worked at had
   a 'cricket club'. After work, on Wednesdays,
   we would meet up for 'cricket practice.' In
   a pub. And the best thing about it was we never,
   ever, played cricket - or even spoke about it."
   (minimalist)  
 
  * AND FINALLY - "I once almost joined a club
   that used to dress up in giant penis costumes
   every Saturday, but I didn't. I wouldn't want
   to join any club that would have someone like
   me for a memb-OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE." (Ellinikos)


  >> This Week - The B3ta Cookbook <<
  We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're
  on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and
  recipes, or tell us about the inedible shit 
  you once made whilst drunk:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cookbook/


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: CHARITY APPEAL
  Help Sophie - a 2-year-old girl with cancer

  Ruth and Andrew Roberts write:
  
  "We're desperately trying to raise funds for
  a live-saving operation for our two-year-old
  daughter, who has a rare form of cancer.
  Doctors have told us the only option for her
  is surgery in the US at a cost of £230,000,
  and we only have 17 days in which to raise
  it. Anything you could do to help us
  increase awareness of our appeal will be
  incredibly helpful."
http://www.sophierobertsstory.com/
 

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> 50 Sheds Of Grey <<
  Yes, the joke is in the title, but still - ha.
  BTW: We attempted to read this book (well the
  freebie 1st chapter on Kindle) and lumme is it
  bad. We despair for the intelligence of our
  fellow humans if this is the twaddle that can
  sell a million copies. It's slash fiction
  quality stuff.
https://twitter.com/#!/50shedsofgrey


  >> Intolerable flatmates seek other <<
  "I've been looking for a room recently, but
  then I saw this advert and decided to stab
  myself in the face instead," writes
  thisplaceisazoo. Increasingly, bafflingly
  pretentious as it goes on. 
http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/london/streatham/2182517/


  >> A cartoonist's musings from his sickbed <<
  Long, morbid, but brilliant. Also, being ill
  in the US, without insurance, sounds utterly
  terrifying. Thank goodness the NHS will be
  around forever.
http://www.gabbysplayhouse.com/wp-content/sick/sick-1-17.html


  >> Hate your boss, hungover, taking drugs? <<
  A constantly-updating wall of shame, featuring
  people who don't know enough to hide their
  illicit activities from the Facebook-reading
  public. Dolts. Still, if you want to get
  some weed, it's a handy list of who to
  friend on Facebook.
http://www.weknowwhatyouredoing.com/


  >> Animal footprint shoes <<
  Do your rob houses? If you do these are
  definitely for you. Also, walk backwards so
  it looks like the animal is breaking *out*
  of the building. Also maybe someone wants
  to make gloves that leave the thumbprints
  of owls?
http://bit.ly/MA4oiL


  >> "Pulp Fiction" in chronological order <<
  Handy reference chart, to keep the Tarantino
  classic's timeline straight while you watch it
  for the 167th time. A thing of graphic
  designery beauty.
http://bit.ly/KGRcbN


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but the Radio Times is some shitty email

  >> Home-made Bat-cycle <<
  Man makes his own Bat-vehicle and runs through
  the streets of Cambridge, shouting "Neeeeerh!"
  Christopher Nolan, are you watching? This is
  what the internet wants. Although, knowing the
  internet, "want" doesn't mean "will pay for".
http://b3ta.com/links/Awesome:7


  >> The Star Wars That I Used to Know <<
  You'll never get a blu-ray of the Star Wars
  that you used to know. Genuinely heartfelt
  lament about George Lucas's ongoing fiddling
  with his sextology. And we don't even *like*
  Star Wars.
http://goo.gl/fzQwl 


  >> invade ALL OF THE humans!!! <<
  Hostile alien robots lay musical claim to the
  planet Earth. Or at least as much as they can
  reach. Delightful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/invade_ALL_OF_THE_humans


  >> Katy Perry death metal <<
  Revoicing popular music with the guttural
  sounds of the undead is a comedy meme that will
  run and run - and surprisingly sexy in this
  case. "Give it to me, B3ta staff," rumbled
  Katy Perry, like a bear gargling acid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIzoWNQqnEQ


  >> Breakfast geometry magic <<
  Confound your breakfast companions by rendering
  your bagel into a geometrical object of wonder.
  Then turn their toast into möbius strips so it
  takes them infinitely long to cover in jam.
http://youtu.be/dN8AwGUaqDA


  >> "Gaseous Anomalies" <<
  Star Trek farts. That's probably all you need
  to know to get you frenziedly clicking.
http://bit.ly/NWiNH6


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  OK it's a goatse thing rather than a name

  Alan, who is 29 years old, writes, "I couldn't
  quite believe what I was seeing when this
  passed by my kitchen window. So I googled it.
  It is a bus."
http://bit.ly/NJEnep

  PS: New rule. Everyone who writes to us should
  tell us their age.

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Animal Art Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to add animals 
  to art

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SUPPER: Italian Renaissance polymath meets
    the Muppets (ferrt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10794202 
 
  * MEOW: Italian Renaissance polymath
    meets the Vitruvian Cat (1.618)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10795438 
  
  * NUDE: dramatic prairie dog enjoys 
    life-modelling class (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10794840
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalart/


  >> New challenge: Alternate Inventors <<
  Alternate inventors: what would it have 
  been like if Stevie Wonder invented 
  binoculars or if Laurel & Hardy invented 
  the atomic bomb? Show us the results and 
  let hilarity ensue. Challenge suggested 
  by Claude Speed
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/inventors/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CHANGE YOUR DNA - SandettieLVA writes, "Re:
    Changing your DNA.  The most likely method
    is bone marrow transplant. Some sources say
    that bone marrow does not have any effect,
    whereas some other sources, including New
    Scientist and an episode of The Bill, claim
    it does. Some blood tests show altered DNA
    results whereas, in the UK, they use cheek
    swabs, which remain true. So, if you're
    planning on being a bit naughty it's best
    to go do it in a country that tests DNA
    using blood samples." 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff. 

  This week (as this section is tricky to fill)
  we're going to mention some political stuff
  that's buzzing in our head:

  * FREE LAWYERS - we have free schools, free
    health-care (OK maybe not for long), but
    it would be fucking handy, and a fairer
    world, if legal advice and representation
    were available without cost to everyone
    rather than only to those with big purses
    stuffed with goblin gold.

  * A MASSIVE, OPEN PUBLIC ENQUIRY - into
    regulatory capture of Government via
    finance and business.

  * A SOLUTION TO PUBLIC OBESITY - we walked
    down our local high street the other day
    and noticed that everyone appeared to have
    fat tummies & a mouth full of food. We saw
    a fat woman with a 800kcal Starbucks
    pudding-in-a-cup drink, driving a car. What
    is the solution? Regulation of crappy food?
    Education? Make exercise mandatory in
    schools and work places? All three? Other?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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 Lovely souls :   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Hateful fucks: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by UHMUHRAKA!
  @alnapp, &#8207;@prodigy_69, taters, @trink_uk,
  Stashie, dirtyscarab, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
  Dawn Of The Bread.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tips via sandettie light vessel automatic.  
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make people think you are over 45 by making a
  growling noise when you sit down, stand up or
  bend down to pick something up.

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