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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA: MORE SUBSCRIBERS THAN THERE ARE LIB-DEM VOTERS"

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This Week:
* BIROS - Enter our biro art challenge
* AMAZON TAT - Teacup that looks like a bog
* HOARDING - Tell us your stories of mad

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B3ta email 527  - May the Forth fuck off 2012

Read this on PirateBay torrent (not available UK)
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue527 

   Vote [x]   :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Spoil [8==)] : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  1001 Albums you Must Listen to before you die

  Here's how we've been wasting time recently -
  using this guide to music from the 1960s to
  now to direct us to things to look up on
  Spotify. It's like having a big paper index to
  your desktop music app and utterly solves the
  "I want to hear something new but I don't know
  what" question. Try it. You can even grab it
  secondhand for a couple of quid.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1844033929/b3ta-21
  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Yoda, Ladybird, Facebook & Banksy

  >> Yoda - Ay - EEE - Ooooo <<
  "May the 4th be with you," intones pi bennett,
  solemnly. Then this peculiar thing. Happy
  Farscape Day or whatever, nerds.
http://bit.ly/JY57dY


  >> Harsh reality books for kids <<
  Blackmoon has done a lovely rewrite/update of
  the classic 1960s Ladybird books. Teach today's
  kids what they need to know.
http://www.markta.co.uk/ladybird/


  >> Jackman hijacks Travolta's Facebook <<
  "JT lets Jackman use his super-swish computer
  to crack a 512-bit encryption code, but forgets
  to log out.." explains Superplex. We love the
  look of tremendous self-satisfaction on
  Jackman's face at his own, mediocre pranking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtOFNwUpv7Q


  >> Banksy R&D Twitter <<
  "I just started a Twitter account," confides
  Toast Master, "From fictional Banksy R&D
  Department @BanksyIdeas." It's full of topical,
  cultural references, yeah?
http://twitter.com/BanksyIdeas


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Morning After Souvenirs

  We wanted to know what you'd woken up
  clutching triumphantly after a night out. The
  sheer irrationality of some of your souvenirs
  makes us terribly proud:
http://b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/

  * SQUELCHY - "A friend of mine (honest) woke
  up in the morning after a heavy night feeling
  a bit sticky 'downstairs'. He thought 'Oh my
  God, I've shat myself.' With trepidation, he
  peeled back the duvet, and glanced down. It
  wasn't shit. It was a mixture of garlic sauce,
  donner meat and shredded lettuce smeared all
  over his lower torso and genitals. To one
  side, a sad looking, torn up pitta bread. He'd
  had sex with a kebab." (SnowyTheRabbit)
     
  * FLASHY - "In my first year at Uni I
  collected bollards, flashing yellow roadworks
  lights, etc. Every morning I'd wake up to find
  a couple more in my room. Sometimes there was
  even a 'ROAD CLOSED' sign or two. It got to
  the point that I could hardly move around my
  room for all the council-clutter. So I hatched
  a cunning plan and later that very night I
  swung (drunkenly) into action... I closed off
  an entire road. Yep, there were ROAD CLOSED
  signs, dozens of bollards, and plenty of those
  yellow flashing lights. Very impressive if I
  say so myself. Upper Marsh in Lambeth stayed
  closed for four whole days, with
  annoyed-looking drivers having to reverse out
  into main-road traffic. Only on the fifth day
  did the council come and unblock my road. Yes,
  that's right, MINE, forever more, because for
  four entire days I OWNED that road." (Purple
  Martin)
     
  * WHIFFY - "In the late 1990s, the capital was
  regularly plastered with fly-posters for
  bands. One night, I spied one for Air's
  sublime Sexy Boy. The poster was ace -
  minimal, with their iconic monkey. It was
  attached to one of those green junction boxes
  and already peeling off along with the 45
  posters underneath it. I carefully pulled and
  - Huzzah! It came away in one piece. What with
  it actually being a stack of posters glued
  together, it stood up by itself. So I propped
  it up on the radiator in my bedroom. It was
  only when the heating came on the next day
  that I realised exactly how many passers-by
  had used that junction box as an impromptu
  urinal." (costas)


  >> This Week - Hoarding <<
  "Just in case" - yeah, that's why we have four
  ZIP drives on a shelf. What old crap have you
  kept against all rational judgment. Has it
  ever come in useful? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hoarding/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Million Short search engine <<
  Simply removing the million most popular sites
  from your web search yields really interesting
  results. It's almost... better, if you're
  looking for something specific.
http://millionshort.com/


  >> 'Life-ruining secrets' <<
  A real journey into the heart of darkness, as
  confessional Reddit thread brings out tales of,
  well, murder and incest. Obviously, it's  all
  lies, but still a cracking read.
http://bit.ly/Ka3H13


  >> Bullshit political story? <<
  List article on Cracked turns into an
  impassioned rant. If you see certain words in a
  headline, you'll know the story is a load of
  crap. Media coverage tries to make politics
  more interesting by treating it as some sort of
  partisan team sport, instead of something, you
  know, important.
http://bit.ly/JlrfsN


  >> Plushies made from children's drawings <<
  Kids don't necessarily draw the cutest things,
  resulting in some highly peculiar and
  individual-looking toys.  
http://www.flickr.com/photos/childsown/


  >> Dad takes amazing photos of kids <<
  Kids' granny got sick, so their dad started
  taking these insanely cool photos so she could
  see them having fun. Just excellent.
http://bit.ly/HSHpfV
  

  >> Ukrainian 'Barbie Girl' <<
  Strange pics of woman's inexplicable quest to
  make herself look like a plastic doll.
http://vk.com/photos4926666


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV with a smeared rather than dusty screen

  >> Do toddlers like Radiohead? <<
  Adorable tots review Paranoid Android, with the
  aid of some drawings. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxbjfFFTwUY


  >> Grandmas watch the Kardashian sex tape <<
  Three old ladies talk about, then watch a
  celebrity sex tape. Great comments. People in
  their 70s are quite hard to shock about some
  things.
http://bit.ly/Jj3xPV


  >> How to stop a nightmare <<
  Aww. Mummy cat comforts her sleeping baby.
  Although the real question is, what sort of
  monster idly stands by, filming while a kitten
  has a bad dream??
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_stop_a_nightmare


  >> 'Autistic reporter visits Afghanistan' <<
  Thoughtful sketch that uses the child-like lens
  of autism to explain some uncomfortable truths
  about war.
http://b3ta.com/links/785056


  >> Awesome cat fight <<
  Filmed out of someone's window, but with an
  epic score, two crows make cats fight for their
  own amusement. Well-played, crows, but you're
  too clever, like little, feathery velociraptors.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbBlYfTbA44


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Jim Kerr

  We haven't thought about CuteOverload in yonks
  but Kompani reminded us it's still going strong,
  with this charming mix of Simple Minds lyrics
  and a photo of a wet kitten.
http://bit.ly/u8jDj3


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny like an STD is funny

  * CUMING MUSEUM - chrishilt0n points out that
  this Southwark museum has a sort of funny name.
  We already know about this - we used to live
  about 5 mins from it. Really interesting and
  quirky collection. There's a night hat covered
  in real human teeth, a flea circus and a
  strange, stuffed monkey sewn to a fish, that
  was exhibited as some kind biological freak.
  Worth an hour of your time if you're in the
  area and your expectations are sort of low
  (it's curious rather than amazing).
http://www.southwark.gov.uk/cumingmuseum


  * PRICK UP YOUR EARS - Hong Kong makes a cock
  and balls from headphones.
http://www.digitalradio.gov.hk/en/basics/index.html


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: AMAZON TAT
  Troll reviews and junk product corner

  * TOILET MUG - specifically designed to make
    tea look like refreshing liquid shit. An ideal
    present for a friend with bowel cancer.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002SQG4TU/b3ta-21

  * ZUBA PANTS REVIEWS - "I'm a roadie by trade -
  dragon slayer by choice. These pants fit for
  both." Also worth looking at the customer
  submitted photos:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000WVXM0W/b3ta-20


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Disappointment Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us the
  face of disappointment

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HORROR: gift to girlfriend prompts
  headband-generated misery (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10756694

  * SADNESS: b3ta board meme spirals
  devastatingly in on itself (HappyToast)    
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10754942
  
  * MISERY: in which Jeremy, the annoying horse,
  returns in shame to the paddock (Fresh Water
  Mole)   
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10755410


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/disappointment/


  >> New challenge: Biro Art <<
  This week's challenge is to create your next
  masterpiece in biro, or model something out of
  several biros. Show those poncy
  charcoal/acrylic users the true power of the
  ballpoint pen. Show them hard. Challenge
  suggested by Yo 'Ho Charles and a bottle o'
  rum.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/biros/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * POO-MASHING CHERRY STONES - Sittingduck
  writes, "I lived in a house with a poo-mashing
  toilet. One night me and some friends visited
  a pub and sat in the beer garden under a
  massive cherry tree that was loaded with
  fruit. Throughout the night we gorged
  ourselves on beer and cherries. Being a bit
  pissed come the end of the evening I'd
  swallowed a load of cherry stones. The
  following morning, after my habitual morning
  dump, I pulled the flush and was treated to a
  sound like one of those rain-maker sticks
  found in hippy tat shops. Just about made my
  day ;)"

  * FAKE TURDS TO TEST TOILETS - Chiptooth
  writes, "Follow on from macerators, I thought
  this would interest you. How to test bogs?
  With tiny little turds, it seems!"
http://bit.ly/JIPcAS


  * LAST DAYS OF THE B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy
  Toast writes, "It's the final few days of the
  B3ta Art Auction 2012. Now's your chance to
  grab a bargain AND donate money to charity.
  Pick up a 3D light-up Goatse painting, a
  Watchmen sock monkey or a portrait of David
  Lynch and your pennies will feed & home big
  cats!" 
http://b3ta.com/links/749374 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DAVID ICKE ALARMCLOCK - "Wake up sheeple!"
  
  * TV SHOWS THAT ED MILIBAND WOULD WATCH -  
  "Make a new level on Manic Miner" "Work out an
  infinite lives poke for Alien8". We will enjoy
  Sir Clive Sinclair's presenting The Apprentice.
  
  * IDEAS TO MAKE MONEY - go on breakfast TV &
  then moon at the audience. Your arse. 7:30 in
  the morning. YouTube gold.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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Fucking sub yeah!: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Fuck off then:   b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mattround,&#8207;
  @sandersonjones, ButacuP, @nickie72,
  sinisterduck, c_reporter_explains, mrandrist,
  mictoboy, jams, curseofbeers. Image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tip via Me, I'm not... posting. Subjlols
  via nordelius.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Convince friends that they have a cat, by
  sneaking into their house, shitting & puking
  on the carpet then shredding their furniture
  with a Stanley Knife.

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