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NEWSLETTER: "BOB HOLNESS: NUS DECLARES WEEK OF MOURNING"

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This Week:
* PINGU - Claymation horror
* RAMPAGE - Cement mixer runs amok
* QUESTIONS - Tons of your comments and stories

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B3ta email 510 - 6 Jan 2011

Print this issue on your till roll, hipster:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue510/

       Sexy:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Unsexy:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
         
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Guitar pick maker

  If you play guitar you know the irritation of
  not being able to find a guitar plectrum.
  We've tried substituting coins, like Brian May
  does, but they sound horrible. Here's a great
  alternative - make picks out of your old
  credit card.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004SHGBDG/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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  Today is Women's Christmas - an Irish tradition
  where men do the housework for the day, and 
  girls go out on the lash and vomit up a kebab.

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making bombs to kill Tories

  >> Pingu vs. The Thing: Thingu <<
  Claymation body horror with everyone's
  favourite Swiss penguin. Leehardcastle ladles
  on the gore like an explosion in a Jackson
  Pollock factory.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pingus_THE_THING


  >> Lean on the Wind <<
  "Arnie should record more poetry," reckons
  swedemason, indicating this moving scene from
  Kindergarten Cop. Like watching bad movies on
  acid. Isn't that the real meaning of Christmas?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lean_on_the_wind:3


  >> Transformers Trilogy: Abridged! <<
  "If you like explosions, you should probably
  watch all three Transformers' films at half the
  speed so all those explosions are ten times the
  intended intensity," advises woahbot, wisely.
  Failing that, you'll have a better experience
  with his own, severely cut-down and drunkenly
  narrated version.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Transformers_trilogy_Abridged


  >> Black Moon's Christmas 2011 <<
  "This is how my Christmas went," writes Black
  Moon. Remind us to avoid him around his
  birthday.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Moons_Christmas_2011


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEEK BEFORE LAST
  Your Weird Rituals

  Following the disturbing revelation that Prime
  Minister of this small island holds in his
  piss in order to concentrate on pissing off
  the whole of Europe, we asked what you lot did
  regularly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdrituals/

  * SEX FACTOR - "I count out the rhythm of any
  sexual activity by resolving the dates of
  famous historical events into their prime
  factors. So the Battle of Hastings is 14101066
  which resolves to 2 x 7 x 773 x 1303. But I'm
  only allowed to climax when the event has
  three or fewer factors. So Henry VIII took the
  throne on 21 April 1509 which is 19 x 269 x
  419. Bingo. Moneyshot. If there is only one
  factor then I allow myself to defecate while I
  ejaculate. Which is why I love JFK." (Dr.
  Shambolic)
	 
  * TEA. HOT. - "Whenever I get a hot beverage
  from a vending machine I always say the name
  of what I'm ordering in the style of Captain
  Picard and pretend that the vending machine is
  a replicator." (WormuIus)


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK BEFORE LAST
  Killed to Death

  Whilst we were in a jolly christmassy mood
  we wanted to know what you'd terminated:
http://b3ta.com/questions/killedtodeath/

  * PIGEON - "On the way home from work, my wife
  calls, distraught and sobbing. I pulled over
  and thought 'Oh shit, who's dead?' Tried to
  get her to calm down and, finally, after about
  5 minutes, she began to tell me. The cat
  brought in a big pigeon but hadn't slotted the
  bastard. It was honking its head off half
  flapping around the room. My missus, concerned
  for its welfare elected to put the
  blood-soaked wobble-headed twat out of its
  misery. New to this, she didn't know the best
  way to do it, but something in her head told
  her to put on a pair of rubber gloves, pick
  the bluntest knife in the drawer and attempt
  to saw its head off. On contact, it went
  mental, feathers flying everywhere, as if
  Starsky, Hutch, Smokey, the Bandit AND the
  A-Team had driven through stacked boxes of
  chickens. Eventually, after a long, drawn-out
  decapitation, she spent an hour cleaning the
  blood-and-feather murder scene, sobbing her
  heart out. Throughout this, I was doing that
  laughing silently on the other end of the
  phone, tears rolling down my face, trying make
  the occasional 'mmm' noise and tutting. After
  I told her she should have just twatted it
  hard against the wall, she really started
  wailing and asked 'Do you think I made it
  suffer?' I burst out laughing and, when I got
  home, a cold shoulder was forthcoming and
  there was no sex to be had." (Spaff_Quaffer)


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Heroes and Villains of 2011

  We did this for 2010 and it was great, so we
  asked for your heroes and villains of 2011.
  There's too many to list, so read them online:
http://b3ta.com/questions/heroes2011/

  >> This Week's Question - BOOKS FOR 2012 <<
  We like books. We love books. Tell us about
  your favourite books and authors, and why
  they are so good or need chucking out of
  a moving train:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books2012/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Scotch whisky in a can <<
  Eight shots of whisky in a non-resealable can.
  Can't foresee that going wrong. 
http://goo.gl/wmO7k


  >> File-sharing religion <<
  The Swedish government has just officially
  recognised the Missionary Church of Kopimism
  as a legitimate religion. Since Kopimism is
  based on freely copying and sharing
  information, it'll be interesting to see what
  the legal ramifications are for file-sharers. 
http://goo.gl/aueZX


  >> Goths up trees <<
  Quality photos of goths in the wild. They've
  clambered into the forest canopy to feast on
  their main prey; red wine and clove
  cigarettes. 
http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/


  >> Learn to code this year <<
  If you're still stuck for a new year's
  resolution, why not join the ranks of the
  nerderati? A wonderful meme to spread - learn
  some shit man, don't just consume pictures of
  funny kittens.
http://codeyear.com


  >> Sack Boris Oyster card wallets <<
  London Mayor BoJo's latest fare rises have
  driven the price up by 50% since he gained
  power. Celebrate the occasion with
  'commemorative' Oyster wallets. BTW, we would
  like one with a decal of his face, so you're
  stuffing the card down his enormous throat.
http://sackboris2012.com/fares/


  >> So Solid Crew band member list <<
  Wikipedia's epic and fully-inclusive listing
  of every individual fortunate enough to be a
  member of the legendary urban music
  collective. No longer on wiki, due to the
  trifling detail of it not being true. 
http://t.co/Cz7CGVmB


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if paintings could move. And talk.

  >> How blind people cook <<
  In case you've ever wondered, this guy shows
  you how to cook when blind (and also quite
  drunk).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umiOuVA7PEc


  >> Rampaging cement mixer <<
  Surprisingly funny vid of builders attempting
  to corral an out-of-control machine. Improved 
  the snarky comments of the blokes filming it
  from their window.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/722233


  >> Old-school shuffling <<
  The joy of flash loops. People should do more
  flash loops. The internet was good in 2001. 
http://t.co/KKULAc9M


  >> Bullfrog plays Ant Crusher <<
  Much like the iPhone-playing lizard recently
  featured, this frog enjoys games based on
  killing insects. However, he doesn't like
  interruptions.
http://goo.gl/PeImh


  >> How to make a mini stove <<
  Potentially life-saving tips, if you find
  yourself without a cooker but with two cans of
  fizzy pop, a stanley knife and some
  dangerously volatile anti-freeze.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_make_a_mini_stove


  >> CUTE/FUNNY CATS ARE OVER <<
  And who better to tell us this, than a funny
  cat on the internet?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/YES:16


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Hats Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate hats

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HESELTINE - magnificently storyboarded
  old-skool game bonanza (shiro kuma)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646357

  * RHETT - seminal movie farewell millinery
  expansion joy (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646030

  * WIND - glorious dog risk storm adventure
  animation (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646614


  All these images, and the highest as voted
  by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/morehats/


  >> New challenge: The Jubilee Stamp <<
  A series of special stamps will be 
  released throughout 2012 to mark the 
  Queen's Diamond Jubilee. They'll be 
  shite. Your job is to design some 
  magnificent alternatives. Challenge 
  suggested by The Twisted Omentum
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jubileestamp/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * YOUR PISSY EMAILS - Young Master Ploppy
  writes, 'A follow-up on the "estimating your
  piss" challenge in this week's newsletter.
  It's totally possible to fill 2 pint glasses
  in one standing; I've done it. The trick is to
  be at altitude and not fully acclimatised yet.
  In the darkest depths of a desperately cold
  night in Nepal (minus 24C *inside*, never mind
  outside) this January, I shuddered out of my
  sleeping bag and grabbed for my 1-litre
  glow-in-the-dark nalgene piss bottle, praying
  it would be quick so I could get my gloves
  back on and dive back into the bag... No such
  luck. I pissed and pissed and pissed some
  more, filling the entire bottle without a
  pause and even having to choke it off at the
  end to avoid a nasty overspill. Then stuck the
  top back on the bottle and slept with its
  welcoming warmth around my freezing cold bum
  until morning. Never have I cuddled up to warm
  piss with such enthusiasm.'


  * MORE BOARD GAME MASHUPS - Trivial Chesssuit
  writes, "A few years ago, at
  The-Pub-With-No-Name, Hampshire I invented
  Trivial Per-Jenga. Get a question wrong and
  you have to take a block out and place it on
  the top. Play passes to the right. Beautifully
  simple and most entertaining."


  * THAT WHISTLER GUY VIDEO IN THE NEWSLETTER
  LAST YEAR REDUBBED - oh for the lols.
http://goo.gl/U11lJ


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Two-way game action

  * GREEK PUNISHMENT GAME - In Greek mythology,
  Sisyphus was a king punished by being
  compelled to roll an immense boulder up a
  hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to
  repeat this throughout eternity. Now imagine
  that as an 8-bit flash game.
http://goo.gl/n5C9R


  * PAPER PRINTY-OUT BOARD GAMES - @jingies
  writes, "free make-it-yourself board games.
  Played over Christmas, and Spree is great fun."
http://bit.ly/ykVgyL 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * STEPHEN HAWKING ON TWITTER. It would only
  take a couple of extra lines of code.
  Everything he says. In realtime. On twitter. 

  * CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS - @NLi10 writes,
  "Typing an amount of money to withdraw into a
  ATM not divisible by 5 tells you how much is
  left in the machine." Sounds like bollocks to
  us but can anyone confirm this? 

  * LONGEST TROLL PAY-OFF EVER - Can we start a
  big cult to say the world is going to end in
  2050? Just to, you know, troll our grandkids?

  * SHEPHERD'S DELIGHT - cook a delicious mix of
  Shepherd's Pie and Angel Delight. Yum.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Sexy time:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Fighty time:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @mattround,
  Amorous Badger, churchillbenj, Herb Alpert's
  Taxi Driver, Mandrake, STRIPEERTW, mrandrist,
  robneymcplum, pissflaps, skeltonator, a_gnome,
  Fluffster, mildlydiverting, Kelly_Harrison,
  TonyMaddison, jds. Top Tippery by A Vagabond.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Finite.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Ensure a good night's sleep and pleasantly
  clear head the following morning by not going
  to bed drunk again.

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