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NEWSLETTER: "WOOT WOOT 500TH NEWSLETTER"

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+-----------------------------------------------+
| SPECIAL B3TA 500TH EDITION COUPON             |
| 'cos all the cool kids love coupons these days|
|                                               |
| Simply present this to you current employer   |
| and get a free, yes FREE, P45                 |
+-----------------------------------------------+

This Week:
* CHIP SHOP - a celebration in rap
* BARONESS THATCHER - Your sexy fanfic
* FOOD - Shepherds' Trifle

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're drinking    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       the Kool-aid
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         ... together"

B3ta email 500 - 14 Oct 2011

Confuse your Siri by shouting this issue at it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue500/

       Drinking:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Vomiting:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------
  
: SPONSORED LINK
  Jack Draws Anything book 

  Ed (Jack's Dad) writes, "Hey, B3ta mentioned
  Jack a few months back and his great project -
  Jack draws anything. We got a lot of input from
  your readers and some of their requests made it
  into the book which is just out. Any chance we
  could get a wee plug as it raises further funds
  for the Sick Kids. Jack has now raised over
  £30,000 for charity."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1444907476/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us. We only bite
  if you pay us to bite.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Shifle, Porn, Paranoia and Chips

  >> Shepherd's Trifle <<
  "Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel
  accidentally made half an English trifle and
  half a shepherd's pie?" prompts pollyoc. "My
  friends didn't think it would taste that bad
  and claimed they'd eat it no problem." Some
  lovely moments of foody disgust.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdLsi-MklZk


  >> "I was looking at porn" <<
  "I wrote a song. I made a video," writes ginger
  fuhrer Rob. It's about George Osborne. Might be
  NSFW, depending on your office.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_was_looking_at_porn


  >> Paranoid Cat a la Hanna-Barbera <<
  You've almost certainly already seen the original
  Paranoid Cat vid, but fear not, as aMac has
  improved it. "I had nothing better to do today so
  I crudely knocked this together," he confesses.
http://b3ta.com/links/Paranoid_Cat_a_la_Hanna_Barbera


  >> cHip sHop - tickle vs dead prez <<
  "What are you having for dinner?" inquires
  tickle. Full-length celebration of what our local
  chippie describes as 'the healthiest meal for all
  the family'. Minor swears, because it's 'street'.
http://b3ta.com/links/cHip_sHop_tickle_vs_dead_prez:2


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Iffy Crushes

  Last week we asked who you'd like to have sex
  with that isn't top of everyone's list. And why.
  It's the reasons why that are scaring us:
http://b3ta.com/questions/iffycrushes/

  * BARONESS THATCHER - "Hear me out. Not nowadays
  obviously, but back in her prime as the dynamic,
  groundbreaking, most important woman in the
  world heyday. Imagine the thrill of an illicit
  liaison in the corridors of power... You in your
  sharp pin-stripe whistle, the PM in a racing
  green tartan suit with shoulderpads and the
  finest pearls on her pale neck, her blouse open
  just enough for you to get an idea of the lazy
  curve that leads to her puffy, ginger-girl
  breasts. She beckons you into her private office
  and, once the oak door slides shut behind you,
  she grabs you by the tie and pulls you over to
  her desk. She strips you down to your Churchs
  and sockgarters, orders you to spread yourself
  across the green leather of her desktop. Her
  voice is commanding but unlike her usual
  powerful oratory, there is a hint of derision.
  She intends to fuck you like everyone else.
  Looking back over your shoulder you see the
  baroness in all her glory, a metallic strap-on
  clamped over her M&S unmentionables. Startled,
  you turn to face her, both appalled and aroused
  as you realise the true origin of her nickname
  'The Iron Lady'" (WormuIus)
	 
  * BOTTOMY - "Back in 1992 Hugh Lennon was just a
  jobbing hypnotist doing the Student Union Bar
  rounds. If I recall, his show was free as part
  of my Fresher's Week which is why I ended up
  watching my heavy metal freak flatmate prove
  that he knew all the words to 'Bad' along with
  most of the dance moves. In fact, being a
  skinny, weird looking white bloke dressed head
  to toe in black, he looked uncannily like the
  real thing. I watched a girl I don't know eat an
  onion like it was an apple and a couple of guys
  get electric shocks every time they sat on their
  chairs. And then I watched Mai, the Malaysian
  Medical Student, being put in his trance and
  told he was all alone in a room. What followed,
  while hilarious to me at the time, is what has
  left me with a lifelong distaste for stage
  hypnotism, because it's fucking cruel. Mai
  described a bedroom, described being tied down
  on a bed. Hugh Lennon said something like, "Your
  ideal woman has just walked in, can you tell us
  who is there with you?" And we laughed, cruelly
  and spitefully when he answered "Virginia
  Bottomley." This would have been hard enough to
  live down, but Hugh wasn't done with the
  nastiness, not by a long shot. "And what is
  *snigger* Virginia Bottomley doing?" "She's
  pushing a broom handle up my bum." (scarpe)
	 
  * THE QUEEN - "Simply to see if she tastes of
  stamps...you know, down there..." (Godwin's
  Lawyer)


  >> This Week's Question - Mysteries <<
  Tell us about your feats of deduction and the
  little mysteries you've solved. Alternatively,
  tell us about the simple, everyday things that
  mystify you still. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wearedetective/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Highdeas - stoner logic <<
  A site for the thoughts you came up with whilst
  on drugs. E.g. "Midget Village: Buy a forest.
  Adopt 8 midget babies every year (mixed race).
  Be the only non-midget around and raise them to
  think you're their god."
http://highdeas.com/popular/topalltime


  >> Are most movies and TV sexist? <<
  There is a test - The Bechdel Test - and it's
  illuminating - a film is worth seeing if:
  1) There are at least two named female
  characters, who
  2) Talk to each other about
  3) Something other than a man.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zizyphus/34585797/


  >> Family tech support woe <<
  The meme for people who have to do tech support
  for family members.
http://bit.ly/fYWF2H


  >> Shit that Siri says <<
  Apparently the new iPhone 4S responds to voice
  commands (we remember crap like this in the 90s
  called Dragon Dictate and it was bloody awful) -
  and, unsuprisingly, it reads like Hal on stupid
  pills. Still, as a vision of a future, where
  we're plugged in and talking to electronic
  devices instead of friends, why do we even need
  dystopian sci-fi anyway?
http://shitthatsirisays.tumblr.com


  >> 1976 Argos catalogue scan... <<
  If you loved the 80's one, this will equally
  delight and confuse... and make you covet the
  precious, precious shiny that can no longer be
  bought. You could always try looking in landfills.
http://goo.gl/ocvwj


  >> Blog about talking to people on Tube <<
  More interesting than it sounds. London newcomer
  aims to break the "no talking to strangers on
  the Tube" rule by aggressively chatting people
  up, with mixed results. 
http://londontalkingblog.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Tiny tellylols

  >> "A magazine is an iPad that doesn't work" <<
  Interesting take on that vid doing the rounds,
  the one that shows a one-year-old child being
  unable to operate a magazine. We can't get over
  how quickly it'll date with phrases like
  "Steve Jobs has recoded her OS".
http://goo.gl/hhBgQ


  >> The Thing: The Musical <<
  John Carpenter's body horror classic, in a new,
  musical interpretation. Guaranteed* to be
  better than the remakequelfranchisingation
  they're currently doing. 
  *Terms and conditions apply.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Thing_The_Musical


  >> Snoop Dog meets champion vegetable grower <<
  In the run-up to a Cardiff concert, Snoop
  sought the advice of Welsh farmer Ian Neale on
  "growing plants". Mr. Neale is the record
  holder for the world's largest swede.
http://goo.gl/4vcYc


  >> Plot Device <<
  Cracking actioner, as young film-maker buys the
  one thing still missing from his ambitious
  first project. Awesome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Plot_Device:2


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny as in shit, as per usual

  * BBC DEAF CAPTIONS - they meant "wellies" not
  "willies"
http://goo.gl/UvvsJ  

  * GREATEST NAME EVER - The URL spoils the
  surprise, so we're going to shorten it.
http://goo.gl/e9Atn

  * PUBES LOGO - Yeah yeah, everyone has a logo
  that looks like a penis these days but what
  about one that looks like the clippings you'd
  leave after a trimming? 
http://www.morphinterior.com/

  * EXPENSIVE WATCH - with tits.
http://goo.gl/mcmS8


-------------------------------------------------

: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE 
  Keyboard Cat cuddly toy

  They dug oil out of the ground. Kids worked for
  slave wages. Humanity crushed and a planet
  destroyed, all to gouge pennies out of nerds
  who liked a web joke. Civilisation really
  isn't worth saving.
http://pic.twitter.com/iX8w4d7p


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Real citizenship test
 
  Immigrants coming to the UK have to do a
  citizen test, asking them arcane points about
  UK law that few who live here actually know
  about. This would be a much better test:
http://www.realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php?n=1


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the dinosaur challenge

  Last week we wanted you to send us money and
  drugs but instead you chose to fiddle with
  photoshop. 

  Your best (non money or drugs) work includes: 

  * NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - (Mozza)
http://b3ta.com/board/10562905

  * JURASSIC PARK - (Joe Scaramanga)
http://b3ta.com/board/10563078

  * JEALOUS GIRAFFES - (Ben Molesworth )
http://b3ta.com/board/10563290

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndinosaurs/


  >> New challenge:  What would Jesus do? <<
  Imagine Jesus solving the ordinary problems of
  the modern world. Getting a place on the Tube,
  putting together an Ikea desk or trying to cook
  up a reasonable meal when there's bugger all in
  the fridge.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/whatwouldjesusdo/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * EARWAX CANDLES - "If you've already been sent
  this, then I apologise," writes evil_andy.
  Although, frankly, he should apologise anyway,
  as an actual, real-life earwax candle is
  incredibly gross. Seriously, we threw up a
  little in our mouths.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-_ihZNrnN4


-------------------------------------------------

: OBITS
  Valin

  Michael writes, "Valin aka Nick Rae died
  Tuesday morning oct 11th at 8:30 a.m. He loved
  this forum. He will be missed, like rain or
  summer." 
http://www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=53827


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SELLOTAPE YOUR THUMBS TO YOUR HANDS - what's
  it like living without opposable thumbs?

  * FOOD THAT TAKES A LONG TIME TO EAT BUT ISN'T
  CALORIFIC - we noticed that the Eat chicken
  noodle soup took us 4 times as long to eat as
  our friend's sandwich but was about 290calories
  and left us feeling rather full. Surely more
  food should be designed like this to stop us
  all being fatties?

  * CYBERCHRIST - turn off your iPhone, social
  networks and the electronic nipple of the
  internet for 40 days and 40 nights. No matter
  how the Devil tempts you, do not weaken. Write
  what you learn as some kind of Bi(nary)ble.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by UltimateMonkey, JC Custer,
  @piersb @ereuben, @lrs, the_log_knows, jhex6,
  beaverwastemanagement, BrokenToaster, Kushan,
  *not logged in*, gibell, concurrency,
  @mattround, @Grant___ Grant 
  Top Tippery by (robneymcplum)
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Surprise your partner when receiving oral sex
  by texting to inform them.

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