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NEWSLETTER: "RECORD NUMBER OF PEOPLE TURN OUT TO TOTTENHAM CAR BOOT SALES THIS WEEKEND"

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This Week:
* RIOTS - Lots of stuff about them
* FEAR - The many faces of George Osborne
* BEARDS - Shaving in reverse

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're arguing amongst    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ourselves and not pulling
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   together... together"

B3ta dick splash 491 - 12 Sextilis 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue491/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  The Evolution and Design of the Personal Computer

  Do you dream of having your own shed of old
  computers but know that it would mean divorce?
  This is the next best thing, a book of 100s of
  photos of lovely old retro kit, and small enough
  so you can hide it from the your partner in case
  they think it's a bit sad.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1904705391/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Beatboxing, Bullingdon and Blood

  >> Supermassive Raver vs the Riots <<
  A change of pace from Supermassive Raver, as he
  tours the riot-ravaged streets with beatboxer
  Killa Kela. Rather lovely.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz2q4Yb7Vw4


  >> An Open Letter to David Cameron's Parents <<
  "Hello," says a stern Nathan Tapely. "I've
  written an angry and intemperate thing. Some of
  you might like it. Many, I suspect, will not."
  Well-put take on the double standards of this
  whole big mess.
http://wp.me/pOSWr-9v


  >> Tiny Chainsaw <<
  On a completely different note, "I've got a tiny
  chainsaw in my pocket," screams Joel Veitch.
  "It's easy to start it but it's hard to stop it!
  Butters done an animation for my song about my
  chainsaw innit geez."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tiny_Chainsaw


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Annoying Partners

  Hell is other people. Fucking Hell is living
  with them. We asked just how hard can it be?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/annoyingpartners/

  * KNOB - "I don't have a lot of experience with
  Cavaliers... most of my boyfriends have been
  Roundheads. So I don't know if this happens a
  lot, but my ex's cock used to stink (and taste)
  of the piss under his foreskin. I tried
  suggesting that he wash before oral sex but he
  said it made him feel like he was visiting a
  hooker to be asked. I would therefore take a
  massive mouthful of squash before going down to
  dilute the taste. He thought I was doing it to
  be sexy. No, just to not boak. He would also
  accept a blowy in complete and utter silence (it
  was unnerving, I thought I was maybe doing it
  wrong) until the moment of impending crisis when
  he'd go, "that's it, that's it, that's it,
  you've got it." EVERY SINGLE TIME THE SAME
  WORDING. Oh and once after he'd blown his beans
  I realised he'd left a skidmark on the sofa. Why
  did I ever shitcan him? What a keeper."
  (Sallyrsm)
	 
  * PERFECT - "My love is honestly without fault.
  She's sexy - I could watch her for hours, and
  frequently do. She's practical - she can do
  things many women can't. Change locks, for
  example. She's rich - she can afford a new phone
  every few weeks, it's difficult to keep track of
  her number to be honest. She's adventurous - she
  walks a different way to work and home every
  evening. She's independent - she pretends that
  she doesn't need me around all the time. She's
  funny - she got the police to tell me to keep
  away as a joke. She's perfect in every way."
  (scarpe)
	 
  * PARP - "If your partner is a bit on the wobbly
  side ... never, ever, ever wedge your arse up to
  one of her buttocks while she's sleeping and use
  it as a resonator for a good, juicy, ripping
  fart. The sound is deeply rewarding but you'll
  find just how quickly someone can go from
  "peacefully sleeping" to "dementedly homicidal"
  And it's bloody difficult to dodge when you're
  laughing as much as I was." (ubergeekian)


  >> This Week's Question - First Rude Thing <<
  Hedge porn, babysitters' bums or naughty seaside
  attractions? What was the first time you
  realised that there was more to life than sweet
  shops and Friday night TV?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstrudething/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Weird Twitter parody <<
  Heello is a Twitter clone but made for lols
  where a fake @ev gives away iPods etc. Worth
  nosing around for the sheer wtf value.
http://waxy.org/2011/08/helloo_is_twitter_for_fakesters/


  >> George Osborne <<
  Osborne is the fuckwit in charge of our economy.
  His job is very easy: do what he's told by his
  city chums & don't talk to the press in case he
  gets caught out for not knowing the difference
  between a stock and a bond. Anyway, a couple of
  Tumblrs for you.
http://themanycumfacesofgeorgeosborne.tumblr.com/
http://georgeosbornelookingevil.tumblr.com/


  >> Black & white WTF <<
  Because stupid comedy photos and mental press
  stunts aren't just a feature of the modern world.
http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/


  >> How to decorate your university room <<
  Some young people aren't poor and dispossessed.
  Some are the kids of the elite who'll be ruling
  us in 10 to 20 years' time. This is a Telegraph
  story pitched at their mums. Extraordinary stuff.
http://t.co/P2feZtR


  >> Right wing extremists tricked by free t-shirts <<
  It's not exactly clamping down on them in a very
  tough way but a pretty good idea nonetheless.
  Can you find away of doing the same to our
  own right-wing extremists - like Michael Gove?
http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,15305581,00.html


  >> Creepiest iPhone accessory yet <<
  A child's hand to hold while you look up porn on
  your iPhone. 
http://bit.ly/n6NbXL


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Vimeo killed the video star

  >> 2000watts of speaker power - in your room <<
  Is this a good idea? Really? Yes, it's amazing.
http://goo.gl/5c86e


  >> Hello again, lovely beard <<
  Impressive facial hair sacrificed in the name of
  making a cool video.
http://goo.gl/EyyE8


  >> Best. ComicCon. Costume. Ever. <<
  If you don't get it, google QWOP.
http://t.co/7Qq68fO


  >> Korean kids bang on things <<
  Three small children show off amazing
  percussion skills, led by a little girl on a
  xylophone. That or they are all being worked via
  thin strings from above.
bit.ly/gTmsk3 


  >> Terry Gilliam shows you how <<
  Terry Gilliam is the Godfather of all crappy
  internet animations ever. Here's some great
  footage from 1974, as he shows you how he makes
  his cut-outs.
http://goo.gl/52Vo0


  >> Nyan Man <<
  What has been seen cannot be unseen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nyan_Man


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Niche camera marketing

  Let's hope they find a gap in the market. Etc.
http://bit.ly/pLgMfo


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Safety Poster Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create safety
  posters for absurd scenarios

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FORCE - safety is paramount at the Jedi
  swimming pool (Captain Howdy)
http://b3ta.com/board/10499571

  * WRESTLING - inferno warning for fans attending
  Summer Slam (jabells)
http://b3ta.com/board/10499398

  * DANCE - useful advice from Men Without Hats
  (Joe Scaramanga)
http://b3ta.com/board/10497875

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/safetyposters/


  >> New challenge: Future Law <<
  What the UK needs is a hero. So open up
  Photoshop, and show us your ideas for the future
  of law enforcement. Challenge suggested by The
  Great Architect.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/futurelaw/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SWEDE MASON #37 IN THE CHARTS - Yay! Well done
  to all of us, and especially Swede Mason
  himself, as Buttery Biscuit Base is officially
  better than Jessie J and Snow Patrol.
http://www.theofficialcharts.com/singles-chart/

  And for those who need more of a Swede fix,
  here's an interview with the man himself, by
  Victor Adebobo.
http://www.herculesmoments.co.uk/2011/08/interview-swede-mason.html


  * THE "TRUTH" ABOUT THAT RIOT CLEAN-UP PIC -
  You've all seen that post-riot photo of Clapham
  with all the brooms held aloft in a slightly
  WWII poster kind of way. "I was there!" rambles
  Rob Manuel. "Here's what was really going on."
  FYI he's the redhead in the centre of the frame,
  slightly obscured by the guy with dreads.
https://plus.google.com/117394585037652877373/posts/KyEgRPo4s9J


  * 10 YEARS OF B3TA? - Fnord writes, "On Friday
  October 14th, 2011 it will be Newsletter 500. On
  that day Spacefish will be exactly 10 years old
  in B3ta terms. As far as the current board goes
  the first message goes back to 12th September so
  I guess that's the 'official' 10 year mark. I
  know there's been the odd newsletter break
  otherwise 52 x 10 years and we would have
  reached 500 earlier. A great achievement in both
  respects."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * "Has anyone translated that Japanese Horse
  Racing game yet?", writes @Jerromes "I'm
  desperate to play it myself - another newsletter
  appeal please?"

  * Can we start a new social network? Run it from
  a pirate ship. Swap the IP every hour for
  anti-blocking. Retain no data in event of court
  orders. Call it TWITTAARRRRRRRR!

  * Sell the Tories/Met a load of old vibrators
  but call them BBM blockers. Bzzzt.

  * Imagine if sausages had foreskins that could
  be tugged backwards and forwards until they
  released delicious gravy. That.
  
  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. I know a man called Gary Barlow. He
  grew fat because he didn't walk far-o. He orders
  mars bars from Ocardo. Poor old Gary
  Barlow-a-lardo. Stuff sent in by @JohnMoynes,
  DaveExclamationMark, Faceburger, tokyo_sexwhale,
  mattround, Mr_Kipling_, DaveExclamationMark,
  @ereuben, @TomChivers, @Jolph, artifus,
  @paulhardman, 6 a.m. Martini, @wearetado and
  Lord Manley who we forgot to mention the other
  week and he posted angry tweets about it. We're
  sorry. We love you. Oh and Butters. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via The
  Great Architect
  
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  TOP TIP:
  When using a public toilet, grab a handful of
  toilet paper and wipe the seat. The benefits of
  this are three-fold:
  1: You have already established that there is
     enough bog roll to accommodate you
  2: You may have wiped disease-ridden piss off
     the seat, saving expensive medical costs
     later
  3: Your stool now has a soft landing, helping to
     eliminate the dreaded 'splashback'.
  Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device - Asda
  toilets - Bradford. (Frample Tromwibbler)

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