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NEWSLETTER: "RUSSIA FINALLY RECOGNISE HEROIN NOT JUST 'TURBO SHERBET'"

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This Week:
* FUCK - Joel Kicks You in the Fuck 
* BASS - Get Swede Mason in the charts
* APES - Charlton Heston vs Benny Benassi

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Hacking your Amsphone     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  with Locomotive basic
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      since 1984"

B3ta email 488 - 22 Jul 2011

Read this issue with your penis/minge:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue488/

      Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Twatards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: IMPRESS YOUR MATES AT A DINNER PARTY FOR A FIVER
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Kicks, Sugar, Swords and Murdoch

  >> I'm Going To Kick You In The F**k <<
  Team Veitch has been cocking around with
  plasticine and made something amusing. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Going_To_Kick_You_In_The_Fuck


  >> The Apprentice - Alan's Breakdown <<
  Cope&Dalton have been chopping up The Apprentice
  to make it look like Alan is suffering from
  depression and having a mental breakdown. A lesson
  in how TV works; if you have the footage you can
  make it mean what you like. Editing is all.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Apprentice_Alans_Breakdown

  
  >> Dads with swords <<
  Middle-aged middle managers get, er, medieval
  with broadswords on cuts of pork. "Dads...
  with swords," croons beautiful songbird Pete
  Donaldson. Highly alarming footage and possibly
  NSFW unless you're employed by a ninja butchers
  shop.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/DADS_WITH_SWORDS


  >> Murdoch freakout! <<
  "Wow, the pressure really must have gotten to
  Rupert this week!" remarks a disingenuous Dan
  Bull, as the media mogul launches a tirade of
  abuse from the press conference podium.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Murdoch_freaks_out


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: FUCK MURDOCH IN THE EYE
  (sponsored link!)

  Throw away your Sky box and get a 3view £299 PVR
  for half price at £149, in an exclusive offer for
  B3tans. Go to AMAZON and enter XCSFV9JC to
  get the discount. To recap - it's a 500GB twin
  HD tuner with iPlayer and Opera browser. Only
  one per Amazon user and offer expires in 14
  days.
http://bit.ly/qXTEeq


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: HELP GET SWEDE MASON IN THE CHARTS
  Buttery bass set for chart domination

  Swede's making a bid to get in the charts and
  he'll need our help if it's going to work.
  They've been playing 'Masterchef Synesthesia'
  (the buttery biscuit bass masterpiece) on Radio
  1, XFM, Capital... all over, really. Single is
  out on the 31st of July. Join the Facebook group.
http://goo.gl/ivZrX


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Road Trip

  Last week we asked for your journeys that were
  more interesting than the destination.
http://b3ta.com/questions/roadtrip/

  Here are three excellent car journeys:

  * YELLOW - "My Nan & Grandad used to love taking
  little me and my littler brother off to Tiptree
  to pick strawberries, on the basis that it must
  be where the best strawberries come from because
  it's where they make the jam. Old people logic.
  So one sunny Saturday, off we go, me and my
  brother playing in the back, no seat belts or
  car seats required for kids back then. Grandad
  concentrating on driving and Nan dozing in the
  passsanger seat. And the picnic bag sat on the
  floor in front of me, behind the drivers seat...
  Tiptree arrived, the blankets and chairs were
  fetched from the boot by Grandad while Nan
  opened the back doors of the car to start making
  the sandwiches (she always made them when we
  arrived, not before we left home.) "Oh, I think
  I forgot to pack the butter," she said, leaning
  in to pick me out of the seat... just as I decided
  to vomit a greasy, yellow, rancid, dairy-filled
  projectile all over her, the door, the seat, the
  floor and myself. She hadn't forgotten to pack
  the butter." (scarpe)
	 
  * THE HEARSE - "Faced with a growing family, my
  dad brought a giant Peugeot 505 with extra seats
  in the boot. It was painted jet black and looked
  like a hearse. We couldn't go anywhere without
  having the Addams Family theme tune shouted at
  us. The electrics were presumably installed on a
  Friday afternoon: it possessed electric windows
  but it was a total gamble as to what would
  happen. Driving back from the West Country after
  a holiday, we were baking hot and my sister
  committed the most heinous of crimes; touching
  the electric window button. My dad screamed "How
  many times must I tell you children NEVER to
  touch the windows? I had to take the car to the
  garage to get that closed the last time you
  played with it." "But Daaaaad it's hooootttt."
  My dad opened the sunroof instead, the only
  reliable part of the car. All was well until it
  started to rain, buckets of freezing English
  summer rain. Pressing the button to close the
  sunroof only produced a dismal, grinding sound.
  It refused to budge. The rain only fell harder.
  Me and my Mum spent the journey holding floor
  mats over the gaping hole in the roof, getting
  shouted at if we let any water in. Eventually we
  pulled up to the house with tired arms, frayed
  nerves and sore throats from shouting at each
  other. As the car idled in the driveway there
  was a 'clunk' and wordlessly the whole family
  watched as the sunroof purred into place and
  locked shut. We sold it next week for something
  more economical, reliable and, it has to be
  said, dull." (willenium)
	 
  * AIN'T GETTING ME ON NO PLANE - "I was having
  dinner with a friend in Toronto who was umming
  and ahhing about the cost of a flight to a
  family reunion in Florida. A friend leaned
  across the table and suggested she, "just drive
  there." On being told, in no uncertain terms,
  that To/Fla is over 2000km, her friend scoffed
  and announced that her parents used to drive her
  family there in hours. On being shown an atlas
  and given a stern lecture in geography, she
  started to doubt herself and called her Mum, who
  calmly informed her that the reason she thought
  that the other side of the continent was only a
  couple of hours away was that, as children,
  they'd routinely been drugged insensible prior
  to the marathon, thirty-hour journey." (pounana)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Starting to lose your faculties? Can't quite
  remember what you came into the room for? It's
  OK. Pull up a Werthers Original and talk to us
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/losingit/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Fuck the super-rich <<
  Instead of doing something useful like, say,
  opening an education trust, this
  multi-billionaire has written his name in big
  letters so you can see it from space. Actually,
  considering the Shuttle has been cancelled and
  we're returning to the Dark Ages, it's only a few
  lonely satellites and Google Earth that can see
  it. He didn't even choose a classy font - missing
  the perfect opportunity to infuriate graphic
  designers the world over by using Comic Sans.
http://goo.gl/pSr7T


  >> Drill here to destroy hard drive <<
  A dead useful sticker: if only Rebekah Wade had
  owned one, her husband wouldn't have had to
  go pissing about in car parks.
http://goo.gl/El8qA


  >> My unfinished novels <<
  Nope, don't worry, you don't have to read loads
  of crappy half-finished novels but, instead,
  browse the pathetic excuses people have written
  about why they gave up. Depressing.
http://www.myunfinishednovels.com


  >> Magaluf - worst clubbing ever <<
  For some reason somebody sent a Vice reporter to
  a club in Magaluf. His brief was to cover the
  musician who left the Black-Eyed Peas before
  they actually made some money. This is what he
  actually came up with: evidence that humanity is
  truly fucked.
http://goo.gl/wk06t


  >> Schwarzenegger makes "awoooooga" noises <<
  Remember ytmnd? It's still funny.
http://eeuauaughhhuauaahh.ytmnd.com/


  >> Wearing the same clothes as someone else <<
  Every girl's nightmare. And ours.
http://ilikelookinglikeotherpeople.tumblr.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like YouTube but with missing buttons

  >> Planet Of The Apes vs Benny Benassi <<
  This is brilliant - it even has a storyline!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Planet_Of_The_Apes_VS_Benny_Benassi


  >> It's SATURDAY NIGHT!! <<
  DJ Kitty and the cats tear it up MASSIVE!!!
  Excellently-done viral from Go-Cat. And, so this
  doesn't look like product placement, can we just
  say GO-CAT TASTES OF AIDS. Now hopefully the
  marketing people won't be able to cut and paste
  this into their "successful campaign"
  presentation. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_SATURDAY_NIGHT


  >> Rebekah Brooks/Rebecca Black <<
  There's News International staff watching this
  right now going, "this is def the work of one of
  our rivals," and still not getting quite how much
  Murdoch has pissed off the public.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5z4CJRFBKY

  
  >> Homophobic joke Friends super cut <<
  Every single gay joke from Friends edited
  together to make a point about homophobic
  attitudes in mainstream media. It's great stuff
  - we were utterly conflicted between the point the
  edit is making and the fact that some of the jokes are
  funny. 45 mins long and we watched every minute.
http://goo.gl/hFhvL


  >> Dubstep lip synch. <<
  If you've got an Apple you'll know there's a
  Photo Box app that morphs your face up in
  realtime. Nice idea for a lip sync. Some band
  should nick it for a cheap video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dubstep_lip_synch

  
  >> Dave Grohl kicks bloke out of gig <<
  Awesome moment where Grohl stops the music and
  swears a lot. In fact, so much swearing our 2 year
  old started shouting "fuck off" and we realised
  that we are really very bad parents.
http://goo.gl/osN2k


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still not funny, but here anyway

  * NEW B3TA HQ? - go to picture number five.
http://goo.gl/jP0Z6

  * SURNAMES IN WONDERFUL COMBINATION - let's hope
  they hyphenate. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Made_in_heaven

  * TIMES ARE HARD - and odd things are for sale.
http://transitionculture.org/2011/07/15/tomato-anyone/


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: HORN PLAYERS WANTED FOR VIDEO

  Kitten and the Hip are looking for horn players
  to film themselves playing along to their track
  Don't You Worry. Film it on a phone. Msg
  @ashleyslater247 if you want to get involved &
  and listen to the track on soundcloud:
http://soundcloud.com/kittenandthehip


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Manly Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create the manliest
  picture on the internet. Your most testosteroney
  included:
 
  * OLIVER - boozehound actor in fiery condiment
  promotion (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10477980

  * AAAAAGH - motorbike explosion uni-brow biceps
  scream (tatars)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10478256

  * KNOCKOUT - boxer Manny Pacquiao smacks lion in
  the face, and that's just the beginning
  (artistic us)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10478482

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/manly/


  >> New challenge: Owls <<
  This week's challenge is a one-word affair:
  owls. Why? Because they're amazing, and also
  because they look a bit weird and sinister
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/owls/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ADAM CURTIS EXPLAINED - remember that Curtis
  parody of a few months back? Want to know the
  back story? Of course you do.
http://benwoodhams.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/going-viral/


  * SKY NEWS BLOCKS FOXNEWSUK - notfig writes,
  "Further to the FoxNewsUK link - I work for Sky
  and that website is blocked as a 'security risk'
  on our internet... I wonder how long until I can
  no longer read the Guardian?"


  * CAR WITH B3TAN STICKER ON IT - check the
  progress!
http://www.teamherdingcats.blogspot.com  


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Save the world by typing fast 

  Neat little shoot-em-up typing game. Has explosions.
http://www.phoboslab.org/ztype/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAMELFINDR.COM - @dotmund requests, "someone
  should design a website where you put your
  postcode in and BLAM: tells you where the
  nearest camel is"

  * HAVETHEYRESIGNED.COM/??? - consilidate all
  those "resigned" sites into one where users can
  add a name after the slash to create their own.

  * DIY ROSE WINE - we reckon cheap rose wine
  tastes like Ribena. Can you create your own
  rose wine from Ribena, vodka and lighter fuel?
  Do a taste test.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via R. Jimlad,
  Nostrebor, James Beswick, @superallan, WiL,
  @jamesthegill, @bounder, Yoofaloof, Stashie, Top
  Tippery by A Vagabond. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlols via An Eagle in Your Mind.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make people think you've died by never answering
  the door or leaving the house.

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