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NEWSLETTER: "UNLIKE LEICESTER, WE HAVE A ZOMBIE ATTACK STRATEGY"

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This Week:
* SPACE - Zoomy fractal music vid
* COMIC - Morbid geese
* DR WHO - The anime!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're mining the web's     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   nostrils for tasty 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  link bogies... together"

B3ta texty turd 482 - 10 JUNE 2011

Now available on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue482/

     Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        Twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Sicki Dates

  A few newsletters back, we saw Asda's dating
  service and jokingly demanded a B3ta dating
  site. "Well," explain newsletter staff, "A
  dating website got in touch to say 'let's do
  B3ta dating'. I said no, do Sickipedia - shocked
  when they said yes." We're coming for YOU,
  Guardian Soulmates.
http://www.sickidates.com/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Fractals, Doo-Dahs and Dares

 >> Zoomy fractal music vid <<
  "The band is called 'Hooray for Earth'," explains
  mutated monty, of this gently bleepy tuneage.
  "Never heard of them myself, but it gave me a
  good excuse to do something with isometric
  fractals."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_new_music_video_I_made


 >> Camptown races script <<
  "Ever been reading your favourite online news
  site, stumbled across a headline with seven
  syllables, and followed it in your head with
  doo-dah, doo-dah, in the style of Camptown
  Races?" asks Tom Scott. "Well, I have. And now
  you can too, with this Greasemonkey script!"
http://www.tomscott.com/camptown-news/


  >> YouTube Chatterbox <<
  A 'chatterbox' being one of those foldy
  eggbox-looking things you used to play with at
  school, with a dare or an insult under every
  flap. "A few weeks ago my daughter came home
  with a chatterbox," writes Dave. "It just so
  happened that I was tinkering about with video
  stuff on YouTube at the time and realised that
  you'd be able to bring it to life through video.
  Only go through with the videos if you're
  willing to act on the dare!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-vSvLopv_I


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Grandparents

  Last week we asked you for stories about your
  grandparents. There's a lot of love in here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/grandparents/

  * SEX - "I was with gran in town one day when
  she was booking a coach trip. The girl on the
  counter asked if she wanted a double bed or two
  singles. Gran turned around and said, "A double
  bed, please dear. My Albert can still get the
  job done." Me and the counter lass both blushed
  massive shades of red." (Rogerthestarfish)

  * THRUSTS - "When I was about 8, my Nanna and
  Grandpa Roy lived in a block of flats in
  Walderslade in Chatham and around the flat was a
  large, grassed area where the local kids played
  football. Recently they had taken to kicking the
  ball against the side of the block which
  infuriated Nanna. Consequently, she spent a lot
  of her time standing on her balcony shaking her
  fist at the kids and telling them to 'sod off'.
  One Sunday, Mum, Dad, my little sister and I
  trundled round there for one of Nanna's Sunday
  roasts and when she opened the door my poor
  8-year-old eyes nearly popped out of their
  sockets. She was wearing an apron, but not just
  any old apron, this was an apron with a pair of
  rubberised DD boobies on the front and a curious
  flap at groin level. As the adults made small
  talk and we terrorised her two pet terrapins,
  the thud from the football being kicked against
  the side of the block of flats became louder and
  more persistent so Nanna, with a look of fury on
  her face, marched out of the flat and round to
  the kids and shouted, 'OI, CLEAR OFF YOU LITTLE
  SODS BEFORE I SEND MY ROY DOWN HERE TO GIVE YOU
  A BLOODY GOOD HIDING...' She trailed off,
  staring at the startled little row of 'O' shaped
  mouths and eyes in front of her. When she
  realised that she was standing there in The
  Apron, she chuckled, gave a raunchy wiggle,
  planted her feet hip width apart and lifted the
  flap, which contained a rubberised willy
  complete with pubes and ballbag, gave a pelvic
  thrust and shouted 'COOOOOEEEEEEEEE' as the
  little moppets scattered, never to return."
  (GirlOfTheWorld)
	 
  * AND ROCK'N'ROLL - "My Grandfather was an
  English professor - in the 70s it was his expert
  testimony that enabled the Sex Pistols to call
  their LP 'Never Mind The Bollocks' as he
  attested 'bollocks' was not technically an
  obscene word. The band gave him a copy of the
  album signed by them all, thanking him for his
  pivotal assistance. My lovely old gran gave it
  to Oxfam in the 80s, unplayed. AAAARRRRGHH!
  (Incidentally during the trial the prosecution
  tried to belittle my grandfather; "so, you're an
  expert on the word 'bollocks' are you?" they
  asked him. "Oh, no," he replied, "I can tell you
  all about 'fuck' and 'shit' too.") (Monty Boyce)
	 

  >> This Week's Question: Fairgrounds <<
  Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses, carnivals.
  C'mon: scream if you want to type faster:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fairgrounds/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Morbid geese comic <<
  About geese and blood and dads and death and
  stuff. Long but satisfying, much like our penis.
http://www.ryan-a.com/comics/roof.htm


  >> Unlikely 1984 review
  "Orwell completely fails to capture the
  uplifting vibe that was the pop explosion of
  1984", as found on the Amazon home shopping
  network:
http://goo.gl/0YRZx


  >> The stupid faces of Dr Who <<
  Apparently Doc Who (as nobody calls him) has a
  very stupid face, as these screengrabs 100%
  prove.
http://stupidfacesofdoctorwho.tumblr.com/

 
  >> Guy trolls dating site <<
  Cruel? Yes. Funny? Yes.
http://imgur.com/a/D17ll


  >> Dad dresses up in a different costume ... <<
  ...every day to wave good-bye. Looked at these
  pics for a while, then noticed Dad was missing a
  leg. So there's a tip if you are missing a leg;
  wear a silly costume and it won't be the first
  thing people will notice.
http://www.waveatthebus.blogspot.com/


  >> All Wikipedia articles lead to Philosophy? <<
  Pastor of Muppets writes, "Having a browse
  through xkcd, noticed the alt-text on this one
  which says 'Wikipedia trivia: if you take any
  article, click on the first link in the article
  text not in parentheses or italics, and then
  repeat, you will eventually end up at
  "Philosophy". Try it, it's utterly true.'"
http://xkcd.com/903/
  
  And if you can't be arsed to try it yourself,
  read about the phenomenon on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Get_to_Philosophy


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's not real, only pixels. Only pixels.

  >> Machine destroys anything <<
  Like a vintage 'Will It Blend' with an 80s
  soundtrack, churning metal teeth obliterate
  anything that falls between them. Including a
  weirdly comprehensive range of feminine hygiene
  products.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_machine_destroys_everything


  >> Doctor Who anime <<
  Highly exciting nonsense when neo-Tokyo meets
  1970s Jon Pertwee and bad-ass Cybermen. We
  can't wait for the Wurzel Gummidge anime, with
  the Crowman on a superbike. Freaking sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt3qZYUPi2Y


  >> Ride only in cycle lanes <<
  US cyclist gets fined, gets mad, decides to
  only travel in the cycle lane. No matter what
  gets in the way.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Riding_in_bike_lanes


  >> "An Open Letter to Stephen Fry" <<
  Sweetly awkward performance, as singer Molly
  Lewis serenades Stephen Fry about how she wants
  to have his baby. Blushes galore, plus a lovely
  tune.
http://goo.gl/3HSJo


  >> Web developers love Internet Explorer <<
  Clever, self-deprecating ad for IE9, as web
  developers' comments are transparently re-edited
  to give the impression that they have anything
  at all nice to say about previous iterations of
  the Microsoft browser.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp-FQN_v3AM


  >> "I love the Power Glove... It's so bad" <<
  Before the Wii we had... the Power Glove. Awesome
  clip from 80s classic The Wizard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AacoxHFYvZw&t=0m46s


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Fishy business

  "Is it just me", writes @jackbremer, "or is this
  self-pleasuring fish logo a bit rude?" Hmm, yes,
  and the 'force it in' punning name also
  delightfully suggests sexual asualt.
http://www.faucetinn.com/

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Crap Superhero Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to think up really
  rubbish superheroes. AND YOU DID IN DROVES!

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TUBGIRL - haven't thought about this grim meme
  for a while. Thanks Holly Would for reminding us.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10439461 

  * SPIDERMAN - DUM4S5 has come up with a novel
  way of defeating him.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10440505

  * CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT - A Vagabond points out
  quite how irritating this is.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10443447

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rubbish_superheroes/


  >> New challenge: Cybercops <<
  Cyber-cops. The head of Britain's "e-crime" unit
  wants the public to take them more seriously.
  This week's challenge is to do the opposite.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cybercops/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  More wanking games

  Jamie writes, "Here's another addition to your
  sexy games list. When I fancy knocking one out,
  I sometimes play Babestation Deal or No Deal.
  Tune into the first Babestation-type channel and
  ask yourself 'Deal or No Deal?'. If you Deal,
  you knock one out there and then. If you No
  Deal, you go to the next channel and ask the
  same question. If you get to the last station
  without dealing, then you have to knock one out
  to whoever's on that channel and there's no
  going back, even if it's your mum."

  * AND HERE COMES THE SCIENCE BIT - salvadorevincent
  writes, "You might like to know that Buster
  Hackney's take on the Friday Game in Newsletter
  480, about going on an escalator and choosing
  which person on the opposite escalator you'd
  like to have sex with, but not being able to
  change your mind once you've chosen (and thus
  risking someone even hotter passing you by
  later) is an example of what mathematicians call
  Optimal Stopping. There is a formula for
  maximising your chances of picking the best
  person, assuming the people on the other
  escalator are evenly spaced apart: wait until
  you are 37% of the way along the escalator, then
  choose the first person who is more attractive
  than anyone you have seen so far. If you haven't
  chosen anyone by the end, then you have to pick
  the last person (even if this is the winner of a
  Susan Boyle lookalike contest). Amazingly, you
  then have a 37% chance of having imaginary sex
  with the hottest person on the escalator."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem

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  Attempt to play "Popcorn" by flicking your teeth
  with your fingers. 10 points if anyone sitting
  near you recognises the tune.

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SANDERSON JONES IN WIRED.CO.UK - after we
  featured Sanderson in his attempt to get 500
  people to turn up as his gig thing, he's both
  appeared in Wired AND had some PR company after
  him. Huzzah.
http://goo.gl/fL1qx

  * CASIO WATCH BOLLOCKS - robertvaliant writes,
  "I was under the impression that all the cheap
  range Casio watches go for 2000 yen and wanted
  to see if this one was different. It wasn't. But
  what makes this particular vendor special is the
  second image they use to recommend it."
http://goo.gl/0uA8z


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CROSS-SECTIONS - lots of interesting photos of
  stuff in cross-section. Like how tomatotoes look
  shit if you cut them vertically, but awesome if
  you cut them horizontally.

  * WHERE PULLED QUOTES REALLY COME FROM - when
  you see "amazing" on the film poster was the
  review really saying, "it's amazing that crap
  like this is green-lit"

  * PLUGINS FOR iPAD GARAGEBAND - we're massively
  addicted to this (newsletter late as we were
  sitting, writing bad acid house on the bog),
  but slightly frustrated there's no easy way to
  connect all other iPad instruments up with the
  DAW without lots of fucking around in iTunes.
  Sort it out, Apple.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sinisterduck, 
  Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Alphabet Soap,
  the_log_knows, unclepills, Chris Parrott,
  Cavalorn, Adrian Bott, @helenlewis & tim dog
  Top Tippery by oneinthepink & @chopeh.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols
  via robneymcplum.

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Paedophile rings: Stop involving normal people,
  by wanking over each other's childhood photo
  albums.

  TOP TIP 2:
  Drop your phone in an (empty) pint glass:
  instant loudspeaker

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