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NEWSLETTER: "ASK JEEVES BEMOANS LACK OF FACEBOOK SMEAR"

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This Week:
* FACEBOOK FIGHTS - Nick Clegg vs Hitler
* BREAKING THE LAW - Superinjunction song
* WATERBOARD CATS - the Australian way 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're all storing 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    wee in bottles
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together"

B3ta dog egg pie 478 - 13 May 2011

Smear this issue in poo as a dirty protest:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue478/

     Bobby Sands:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Ian Paisley:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Tinie Tempah's Tiniest Gig

  The petite rapper puts on an exclusive show for
  an unsuspecting fan. Tinie met Katie during a
  live recording of Wonderwoman and they ended up
  dancing and hugging. Like real friends do. All
  courtesy of O2.
http://bit.ly/iPiwNX


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Likefight, Super-injunction rap, Eurovision

  >> LikeFight! - What Facebook page is more likeable? <<
  What's more likeable? Ninjas or pirates? Cheryl
  Cole or Jesus? Hitler or Nick Clegg? These
  important arguments and more can be solved by
  pitting two Facebook pages against each other
  and seeing which has the more "Likes". Made in
  response to ilovesecretagents's request in last
  week's newsletter.
http://www.likefight.co.uk/


  >> Pooper-scooper-injunction song <<
  B3tan Housewife writes, "I made a song about the
  ridiculousness of injunction law. Unfortunately,
  by protesting the law, I think I broke it..."
http://b3ta.com/links/Pooper_scooper_injunction_song


  >> Song for Eurovision week <<
  A song of unity for Europe, celebrating a long,
  golden reign of peace... EuroN8 have done us
  proud with a gag that we didn't immediately
  grasp, but then loved more than anything we've
  loved before. Our favourite attempt at a Euro
  song since the vagina-celebrating 'Yodel in the
  Canyon of Love.'
http://goo.gl/sqKDy


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: FUCK YEAH! SPONSORED LINK! READERS LOVE THEM!
  Family Guy jokes

  Do you like jokes? Are you stuck for something
  funny to stick as your status on Facebook? Help
  is at hand; thanks Family Guy!
http://sickjok.es/jE5srb


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Police (II)

  We asked for more police stories last week.
  Sadly, there was no Jackie Chan:
http://b3ta.com/questions/police2/

  * DUNGAREES - "My uncle bikes to his station
   in his bike leathers each day and gets changed
   into uniform when he's there. A few weeks ago he
   had to spend the whole day in plain clothes
   because his two-year-old daughter had gone
   through his rucksack, hidden his uniform and
   replaced it with a pair of pink dungarees and
   her fluffy sweater. When questioned about this,
   she claimed she wanted "daddy to look pretty
   at work." (Sivvus)
	 
  * BASQUE - "Every summer in the Basque regions
   of France and Spain, every village and town has
   a fete. These are mad piss-ups, usually involving
   sangria and bulls chasing you through the streets.
   You could easily spend every weekend getting
   shitfaced all over the Basque country, so that's
   pretty much what we did. This was a few years ago
   and the French police pretty much turned a blind
   eye to drink driving as long as you were wearing
   the traditional white-and-red festival colours.
   After a five-day orgy of booze, singing, dancing
   and getting chased by bulls, me and a mate were
   crossing back into France. Our traditional whites
   were dyed maroon with kalamotxo and sangria. We
   were stinking. And got stopped at the border.
   Passports handed over. The police examine our car.
   "Is this your car, m'sieur?" We're fucked. It
   wasn't. It had Dutch number plates and belonged
   to a friend we weren't entirely sure we'd asked
   to borrow it. "Ah, non..." The police continue to
   examine our car, walking slowly, checking below.
   They slowly come back to us and hand our passports
   back. "M'sieur, there is a problem with your car."
   Oh fuck. "You need a new one. This one is shit."
   (inflateable)
	 
  * LOW CUT TOP - "Many moons ago, before broadband,
   we needed to get a large amount of data from our
   office in London to a customer in Liverpool. We
   dug out one of the very expensive CD-Rs and burned
   all 200meg onto the disk, gaping in amazement at
   how we could make our own CDs. We then drew straws
   to see who got to drive through the night to deliver
   said disk. The young lass who worked for me won,
   was handed the keys to a company car and an A-Z
   of Liverpool. When she got back into work, I asked
   if she'd had any problems. She said "No," then "Well,
   sort of." Panicking that something had happened to
   the precious, expensive CD-R, I asked her what had
   happened. She'd been pulled over on the M62 for
   doing what she called "licence-threatening" speeds.
   Bricking it, she'd done what any 19-year-old, very
   good looking, busty lass would do: she pulled her
   top down low enough that you could see the tops of
   her nipples, put on her best innocent look and gave
   the officer the full, "I don't know officer, it's my
   first time on the motorway and I don't know where
   I'm going and everyone was going so FAST and I was
   so SCARED and I didn't know what to DO and there was
   so many CARS I've never driven this car before and...
   and..." and squeezed out a tear. And was let off.
   This would be fairly unremarkable, were it not for
   the fact I drew the CD delivery short straw about
   two weeks later. On the M62, in the same company car,
   doing a reasonable (sub-90, at least) speed I too
   was pulled over. The copper sauntered up to my window,
   looked at me, looked crestfallen and then said,
   "Sorry mate, thought you were someone else," before
   slinking back to his car." (ScousersPet)


  >> This Week: Conversation killers <<
  Ever been talking to people when someone says
  something that kills all conversation stone
  dead? Talk to us here and watch the tumbleweed
  roll on by:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bombay Mix <<
  If you thought Acid House was invented in
  Chicago in 1987, think again. It was actually
  invented in Bombay in 1982 by a Bollywood
  soundtrack producer. Here's the interview with
  the guy who made the record:
http://goo.gl/dkwiF

  BTW: The Bollywood Acid House is also available
  on Spotify. Ten Ragas to a Disco Beat.
http://open.spotify.com/artist/5xQiWBPNCV6JnnC7emnEnn


  >> The Evil Empire <<
  At first glance a bit of nerdy Star Wars
  ephemera. But stay with it as it soon morphs
  into a timely piece of geopolitical satire.
http://goo.gl/NZlmb


  >> Cleggy Lols  <<
  If you thought taking the piss out of Cleggers
  was a bit 2010, this site will soon change your
  mind. Worth it for great pics of Dave 'n' Gid's
  favourite fag but the captions such as: "Nobody
  told Nick Clegg his lunch date was cancelled, so
  he just sat on a bench alone eating Sainsbury’s
  Basics sausage rolls." are what put it in a
  class of its own.
http://nickclegglookingsad.tumblr.com/


  >> How To Steal Like An Artist  <<
  Genuinely great advice for anyone wanting to be
  creative - or anyone wanting to be anything
  really.  
http://goo.gl/LmiQl


  >> Smash hits podcast <<
  Older readers will remember and hopfully love
  Smash Hits - the pop music magazine that defined
  the 80s. Editted by David Hepworth, they also
  employed Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys in a
  pre-fame writing job. Hepworth now runs a
  podcast and invited Tennant in to talk about the
  old days. Magical stuff. Best insight? Decades
  in pop culture.
  60s = 63 to 67 - The Fabs
  70s = 68 to 82 - Beards
  80s = 82 to 67 - Culture club etc
  90s = 88 onwards - Dance music.
http://goo.gl/Y7nnW


  >> The phrase that needs to be a book <<
 "If you are not paying for it, you're not the
 customer; you're the product being sold." First
 muttered in 2010 on MeFi, the net culture version
 of "there's no such thing as a free lunch" needs
 to be turned into a provocative book.
http://goo.gl/Efq8


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with more snot on the screen  

  >> How to stop cats pissing on your car. <<
  A truly wonderful contraption from Down Under
  that involves shooting cats with highly
  pressurised jets of water. We're thinking of
  training it on the crazy cat lady who lurks
  round B3ta Towers with a dead cat in a wire
  basket.
http://goo.gl/b34pB


  >> I'm a Climate Scientist <<
  A big, fat smack in the face for Climate Change
  Deniers - the flatearthers of modern times (who
  sadly get more than their fair share of
  mainstream media attention). Worth it just for:
  Ha! 'The greenhouse effect is just a theory,
  sucker!' 'Yeah, so is gravity, FLOAT AWAY
  MOTHERFUCKERRRRR' 
http://goo.gl/a3QQL 


  >> Complete History Of USSR in Tetris <<
  We recently attended Bug 25 - the music video
  and comedy chat night organised by Adam Buxton
  and this was our favourite video he'd chosen.
  It really made us want Adam to stick on a
  massive moustache and play the rest of the
  show as Stalin. BTW: Stalin was 5'4" but
  liked to commission paintings of himself
  looking monumentally huge. If the artist
  didn't do it "right" he had them shot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWTFG3J1CP8

  Find out more about Bug here:
http://www.bugvideos.co.uk/


  >> Human Bicycle <<
  This has a vaguely Teutonic feel to it and we
  reckon this lot might be chums with the silver
  man who stands in Covent Garden scaring small
  children. But it's kind of impressive and would
  definitely liven up a trip to the airport.
http://t.co/t5cNsE3


  >> Guy lip-synchs 50 worst video game voices <<
  An unkind person might suggest this chappie
  needs to stop gaming and get out more but in its
  own sweet way it's a minor work of genius.
http://goo.gl/Ylhm2


  >> How to chop wood successfully <<
  Anyone who's ever tried to chop wood without it
  flying everywhere will know it's bloody hard.
  This video offers a simple tip that makes it all
  look incredibly easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_chop_wood_sucessfully


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Bad Guy Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to come up invent
  new evil to replace that Bin Laden bloke

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HAMMER - huge-trousered rapper gets the
    call from Homeland Security (Clay)
http://b3ta.com/board/10415030

  * DODD - terrifying monochrome appearance
    from maniacal, chainsaw-wielding
    comedian  (Ninj)
http://b3ta.com/board/10412478

  * SOOTY - no compassion from loathsome,
    malevolent children's puppet
    (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10411195


   All these images, and the highest as
   voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/unexpected-evil/


  >> New challenge: Animal Power <<
  Imagine, if you will, that electric,
  petrol, steam, solar, nuclear and other
  forms of power don't exist, and
  everything has to be powered by small
  animals. Then show us the results of your
  imagining. Challenge suggested by SkUG
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalpower/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WE ASKED FOR A HAMSTER RIDING A LEGO
  ROLLERCOASTER - joefish replies, "Sorry, no
  hamsters, but this is my working LEGO Roller
  Coaster. BTW: In the early 90s, we told our
  gullible friend that this was how they tested
  the concepts for full-size rollercoasters. She
  wrote to Alton Towers and Blackpool Pleasure
  Beach, and couldn't understand their puzzled
  replies (Pleasure Beach... Alton Towers never
  replied) until we owned up."
http://goo.gl/lIE05


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: FRIDAY GAME

  Count the amount of people you've seen today who
  you'd like to have sex with. We used to play
  this as teenagers and would allow the inclusion
  of TV shows, normally the cast of Neighbours not
  including Helen Daniels, Mrs Mangel and Madge.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  As we're writing this feeling hungry it's
  mostly going to be about food:

  * F-PLAN DIET. Only eat food beginning with F.
  Fish. Fudge. French bread. Fried food. Figs.
  Findus crispy pancakes. Feta cheese. Flans.
  Fucking huge doughnuts. 

  * MEAL TIME CHALLENGE - Breakfast. Elevenses.
  Brunch. Lunch. Afternoon tea. High tea. Tea.
  Dinner. Tapas. Supper. Midnight feast. Go on,
  try eating every possible meal time.

  * LAMB BACON - can you cure strips of sheep,
  smoke them and serve them up? What about
  beef bacon? 


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by @slightly76, Faceburger,
  @hwallop, @timlusher, Hidden Agenda,
  @machecazzodici, @mah, @Mark_Hurricane,
  Stashie, jams.
  Top Tippery by Blunt Logic
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols inspired
  by Afinkawan.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Need a tug but got no tissues/towel/socks/pets
  around? Simple. Pinch your foreskin closed with
  the thumb and forefinger (of your other hand)
  before you ejaculate and voila - entrapped
  spunk. Maybe our readers have comments on this?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post1190537

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