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NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRE AGASSI!"

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This Week:
* BOLLOCKS - to the Royals
* BOLOCKS - to the Tories 
* AND BOLLOCKS - to the whole damn lot of it

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're blithering   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     about random 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       shit... together"

B3ta email 476 - 29 Apr 2011

Read this issue wearing a silly hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue476/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Family Guy sick jokes
 
  Do you like jokes? Are you stuck for something
  funny to stick as your status on Facebook? Help
  is at hand, thanks Family Guy
http://sickjok.es/jE5srb


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then twitter us on myspace.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than small furry hats called bob


  >> Let Them Eat Cake <<
  Although we think the Royal Wedding's a big pile
  of stinky horse poo, we can't help but enjoy
  Smerv's game about it. Give it a whirl - it's
  much cheaper than a tin of soggy Kate and
  William biscuits.
http://www.letthemeatcakegame.co.uk/


  >> Hugh Grant wins an internet <<
  There's more to Hugh Grant than playing a series
  of bumbling posh blokes in Richard Curtis
  movies. Good old Hughie has been a crafty chap
  and secretly recorded a conversation with a
  former NotW phone tapper - the results were
  published in the New Statesman. B3tan Housewife
  (aka Dan Bull) has gone one stage further and
  made this:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hugh_Grant_wins_an_internet


  >> Misery Bear's Wedding <<
  Here's one for the suicidally depressed amongst
  you. It's glum, it's gloomy and they won't be
  putting it on any commemorative crockery. Thanks
  ratbanjos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bears_Wedding


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  World of Random

  Last week we were looking for the random
  coincidences and happenings that make life
  fun. Of course, that didn't stop you complaining
  about how the word "random" is being misused:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomstuff/

  * "There's been a spate of things nailed to
  poles around our way recently. There's a set of
  dining chairs AND the table about 15 foot up a
  series of telegraph poles. The sad thing being
  they're in better nick than the ones we use at
  home. There's also been nailed up: fake bacon
  and eggs, fake vegetables, a fake parrot and
  real, yet dead, octopus." We're guessing Easter
  Tribute Art. (dchurch)
	 
  * "Walking back from a happy evening spent in
  the pub, myself, my daughter and my son. We'd
  had a lovely time, eaten from the barbeque,
  they'd played on the slides and climbing frame
  with the other kids, the sun was setting and we
  got to talking as we walked. "I know it's been a
  bit strange, moving to another school, a new
  house with only a little garden and all that,
  but you've both held up really well, and I'm
  proud of you both." Both littlies went a bit
  quiet, then my son tucked his hand into mine and
  squeezed as he said, "It's OK Mum, in fact it
  could be a lot worse." "How's that son?" "We
  could live in a potato!" (Beer Elf)
	 
  * "Last week I saw a BIG (6'9" ish) Jamaican
  Rasta dude, dreads down to his arse, shades, the
  lot, walking hand-in-hand with a little white
  kid of about 8 or 9. Suddenly, without
  prompting, comment or reason, they both started
  skipping, and danced down the street. Sometimes
  I fucking adore London." (A Vagabond)


  >> This Week's Question: Compo winners <<
  Are you a winner? Have you won anything more
  than a subscription to Readers Digest? Boast
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/winning/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Movies as barcodes <<
  Ever wondered what colour your favourite movie
  was? This unusual and strangely compelling blog
  takes a selection of well known movies and
  analyses them according to the colours that
  dominate them at different points. The result is
  something that looks like a multicoloured bar
  code. We especially liked the one about Piranha
  which ends in blood red (no sign of Kelly Brook).
http://bit.ly/fSRhID


  >> Awfully photoshopped Russian wedding pictures <<
  In the 80s, Sting sang "The Russians love their
  children too", but not as much, it seems, as
  they love their Photoshop. This parade of truly
  ghastly wedding pictures presents a series of
  snaps that have all been photoshopped to buggery.
http://goo.gl/JiAUC


  >> The Toaster Project <<
  A guy is making a toaster from scratch. As he
  puts it: "I'm Thomas Thwaites and I'm trying to
  build a toaster, from scratch - beginning by
  mining the raw materials and ending with a
  product that Argos sells for only £3.99. A
  toaster." Proving we'd all be fucked if the
  Chinese ever say: "no! you can't use our
  sweatshops for your electronics." 
http://www.thetoasterproject.org/



  >> Yugoslav war memorials <<
  Some pictures of WW2 memorials from the 60s and
  70s. Every single one like a 90s Pink Floyd CD
  cover. Also check out the rest of the blog - kept
  us entertained for hours.
http://goo.gl/XrpXN


  >> Non-bullshit fables <<
  If classic fairytales told the truth...
http://goo.gl/SsDEz


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  In the week that The Daily Mail discovered GIFS

  >> Is your Cat confused about AV? <<
  This clever and extremely entertaining
  explanation of the AV system just had to be made
  with B3ta in mind and got us wondering if the
  Lib Dems were deliberately courting the B3ta
  vote. Or maybe a B3tan has taken the Clegg
  shilling? We can but speculate, but this is
  excellent work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Is_your_Cat_confused_about_AV


  >> 13 mins of vagina wonder << 
  Sex education can be alarming to the adolescent
  male and this strangely Lovecraftian short film
  takes fear of the furry cup to a new level. We
  were wondering if this was some kind of obscure
  propaganda made for junior homosexuals.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lovecraftian


  >> More loathsome royal shit <<
  We always enjoy a good mash up (the very
  expression takes us back to 2002 when we still
  had our own teeth) and liked this sexed up
  collection of Kate n Wills interviews. A timely
  antidote to the weekend's wall to wall wedding
  coverage. 
http://youtu.be/HiXQHBeC2dI


  >> Dinner dinner dinner BATMAN! <<
  We want to watch this film but sadly it doesn't
  exist. A Christian Bale fan has taken loads of
  clips of their favourite star and woven it into
  a trailer for "The Batman Complex". The concept
  is intriguing: Batman is nothing more than a
  paranoid fantasy in Christian Bale's head.
http://bit.ly/jHlk4t


  >> Adam Buxton reads out YouTube comments <<
  We've all groaned at the lame, dumb and frankly
  toxic comments posted on YouTube and absolutely
  loved this clip of Adam Buxton reading them out
  to a live audience. Genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Adam_Buxton_reads_out_YouTube_comments


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the fatty challenge

  Last week we wanted you to find new uses for fat
  people.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * GOOD PENNY points out the moral weirdness that
  it's perfectly OK to bash fatties but not
  blacks, jews and wheelchair users. We disagree,
  it's ok to bash anyone and anything for cheap
  laughs; personally we like bashing bishops.
http://b3ta.com/board/10398635

  Actually there weren't really any other
  favourites in this dog egg of a challenge, which
  was overwhelmingly chosen by the B3tans, then
  rejected by them. Check the votes:
http://b3ta.com/board/10397104

  It reminds us of New Labour policy under Philip
  Gould, where everything was focus grouped to
  fuck, then everything went to shit. Watch
  episode 4 of the Adam Curtis documentary The
  Century of Self if this reference intrigues you.

  Anyway, all these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/usefulfatties/


  >> New challenge: Royal Wedding <<
  Last week we wanted you to engage in photoshop
  regicide and hopefully not get arrested like our
  favourite anarchists the Love Police. 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/royalwedding/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FUCKSTICKS! Kunt writes, "Please pass on my
  thanks to all the b3tans that helped our Royal
  Wedding song Fucksticks get to 63 in the proper
  charts. In the space of 3 days our sales got
  nobbled and our YouTube channel shut down - a
  moral victory! Cheers again, Kunt."


  * B3TAN WRITES BOOK - James Mylet writes, "Hey
  B3ta. I've been a member for a member for 8
  years, 7 months and 6 days. My first book comes
  out this Thursday. Is there any way you could
  put it in the mail out? B3ta is mentioned in the
  book and Bono is called a cock a lot. If you
  could mention it it would be really appreciated.
  Christopher Brookmyre gave me a really good
  quote for it too."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0857380672/b3ta-21


  * SPEAKING OF AMAZON - @brianftang asks, "el
  Amazon suggested I might want to buy this. Why?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001N6T4SY/b3ta-21


  * CHOPPER-LOOK-A-UPPER - zacherynuk writes, "In
  response to Newsletter 475. Just enter the
  registration and up comes the owner. Scary
  really, as privately owned aircraft usually have
  the person's home address. For example, a
  particularly busy helicopter is G-SKYN."
http://goo.gl/MJ9Lw


  * YOUR FACE ON DRUGS - David Medeiros writes,
  "Re your most recent newsletter request for a
  "meth-me-up" generator, there's already one at
  in20years.com. Allows you to upload a face and
  age it 20 or 30 years, including 'drug addict'
  option for that extra-creepy peek at the future.
  Works especially well on pictures of Justin
  Bieber."
http://www.in20years.com


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Royal Wedding Drinking Game

  1. Don't watch the Royal Wedding
  2. Get drunk


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * KITTEN MIRROR - richardtyronejones asks,
  "Something I'd like to have invented would be
  the 'Kitten Mirror'. Every time you look in it,
  you are surrounded by lovely 3-D kittens. With
  the latest 3D flatscreen technology, it should
  be do-able for under a grand I reckon."

  * A T-SHIRT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK SLIM - we're
  embarrassed how fat the internet has made us.

  * A CURE FOR HAYFEVER THAT WORKS - our best idea
  is to keep moving round the world so we avoid
  Spring altogether but sadly we're as poor as
  church mice - and just as sneezy.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the rapist that pays
  the rent, @editorialgirl, Golgot100,
  @Treiziemesalope, @rymix, @brianftang, spacehog,
  @beepthebeep, Dixon Bawls, Lord Gnome, tacpprm &
  Smale. Top Tippery by A Vagabond. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. And @kardinal69
  writes, "Please mention @charltonbrooker & his
  campaign #donaldtrumpisabellend."
  #donaldtrumpisabellend #donaldtrumpisabellend
  #donaldtrumpisabellend. Subjlols via @AtotheL.

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Fool gerbils into thinking they're rats by
  whispering "You are a rat ... you are a rat ...
  " continuously to them as they sleep.

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