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NEWSLETTER: "BETTER THAN A POKE IN THE EYE WITH A SHARP STIFFY"

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This Week:
* KUNT - Royal Wedding No 1 bid
* WEEBL - Doing more badger shit. Really.
* US! - On Her Majesty's BBC Radio 4

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're enslaving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta I'll have an email please bob 472 -25 3 2011

Wear this newsletter as a cyber-hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue472/

       Cheese:    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        Riots:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: A SPONSORED LINKY DON'T YOU THINKY
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  these luxury holidays. BragItUp.com."
http://tinyurl.com/5uqsl5y


  >> Sponsor B3ta, go on! <<
  Tattoo your logo on our face and we'll walk down
  Oxford Street smiling like a cretin:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  other than makin' whoopee cushions

  >> Badger Dubstep<<
  "Guess I Got My Badger Back," sings Jonti. In a
  scary, dubstep stylee. "Everything should go
  dubstep."
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Guess+I+got+My+Badger+Back/


  >> I Spot Internet Hoaxes <<
  What's the stupidest bullshit you've been told
  by someone on the internet? E4 asked your
  newsletter team investigate and tell you why
  everything is WRONG, in our top 30 internet
  hoaxes - featuring kitten abuse, bogus deaths
  and imaginary games characters.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-hoax/index.html


  >> Contribute to the world's biggest to-do list <<
  "Procrastinators unite!" cries radical k. "Ever
  wanted to know what people all over the world
  really should be doing while they are visiting
  sites like this? Now is your chance!" A stirring
  speech and an interesting idea:
http://www.kevinstrater.com/to-do/


  >> Peter's Dolphin <<
  "Hi dude," spurts Joel Veitch, skipping
  backwards across the azure waves on his graceful
  flippers. "Little Peter Sutcliffe is the
  luckiest boy in Yorkshire, because his best
  friend is a magical dolphin!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Peters_Dolphin


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: B3TA ON RADIO 4
  The rapture has started

  Your favourite Ginger Fuhrer shares a bill with
  Richard Dawkins, with a couple of appearances in
  this BBC documentary about interweb memes.
  There's a bit of stuff about the Great Virgin
  Credit Card Fiasco and, we were rapidly and
  gleefully informed by kinks, "they mentioned my
  pic!"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00zlk03/Whats_in_a_Meme

  And here's "that" image: 
http://goo.gl/nho2g


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: KUNT'S ROYAL WEDDING VID

  "Gonna unleash the royal wedding vid today,"
  confides Kunt. "Please help us punt it out there
  and create a right royal stink!" 

  Yes, Kunt is back at his chart-bothering
  shenanigans. "With 'use my arsehole' we finished
  up selling about 3000 in the week it went to
  66," he continues. "Any other week that would be
  round about the top 40 so, the way I see it, if
  we generate the same amount of interest and
  enthusiasm as last time it will go top 40. Then
  Radio 1 have to decide whether to play it or ban
  it and I think the answer to that is pretty
  obvious."
  
  Having seen this extremely NSFW vid we're now
  starting to wish we hadn't agreed to champion
  this Kunt and the Gang campaign. Oh well, in for
  a penny...
http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/5fa6


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Awesome Teachers

  Last week we asked for the teachers that you
  still remember fondly. Or fondled:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/

  * "Dr P taught us the basics of DNA using
  fizzy laces, jelly beans and toothpicks and
  the theory of dilution using farts, and 'fart
  atoms.' But his best moment came one afternoon
  walking past the sports field. The PE teacher 
  was shouting at the largest, most unfit kid.
  When he tripped and the PE teacher burst out 
  laughing, adding more condescending comments, 
  Dr P casually shouted, 'At least he's not 
  fucking the librarian,' before carrying
  on into the science building. It turned out 
  to be true, spread around the school like 
  wildfire, his wife found out and the last I heard 
  the PE teacher had been fired and was living 
  at home with his parents."
  (eggs and spam)
	 
  * "A friend of my folks was brother-in-law to
  my Year 9 maths teacher, from whom I get this
  story. One fine day in the past, 'Mr Smith' comes
  into his morning maths lesson. One of those old
  roll-down blackboards sits at the front of the
  classroom. Smith rolls it down to find 'Mr Smith
  is a cunt' scrawled across it in huge letters.
  Smith goes absolutely apeshit, informs class
  that they are staying there until someone comes
  into his office and owns up to it. With that,
  he leaves the stunned class in silence and goes
  to wait in his office next door. According to
  his brother-in-law, Smith wrote it himself as
  he was hungover and couldn't be arsed to teach."
  (Cylon Bum Raider)
	 
  * "My 6th form careers advisor was called Peter
  Niskin, or as it was written, P Niskin. Perhaps
  his careers advisor should have told him avoid a
  profession dedicated to sniggering idiot
  teenagers." (Galahad)


  >> This Week: Nights out gone wrong <<
  In celebration of the woman who went out for
  a quiet drink with friends after work and
  ended up half-naked, kicking a copper in the
  nads and threatening to smear her own shit
  over hospital staff... how have your best-laid
  plans ended in woe?
http://b3ta.com/questions/nightsoutgonewrong/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Nazi spoons<<
  Do you love spoons? What about Nazis? Then
  you're in luck! Why not buy the book
  "Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich"? BTW: We
  cribbed this link from a rather strange Radio 4
  documentary about the extraordinary number of
  books about the Nazis that are published each
  year, which we found by typing 'nazi' into
  iPlayer. Next week we might try 'porn'.
http://goo.gl/fhuSo


  >> 1930s Newspapers Just Like Today Shock! <<
  Newspapers from the 30s - what were they like?
  Turns out to be the usual mix of misogyny,
  racism and mad diet supplements they still serve
  up today. Best bits include: the £60 car that
  comes Hitler-approved, and the secret of
  slimming - Cider.
http://goo.gl/SUrJP


  >> Trolling Facebook photos <<
  Remember the guy who wrote the HUGE complaint
  letter to Richard Branson? Well he also likes to
  edit his friend's Facebook photos and put them
  back up on Facebook. It's great to see the
  progression from gentle tweaking, to the
  friend's snapping point and eventually a full
  breakdown.
http://www.oliandalex.com/james-face/


  >> Music made by dead bloke <<
  Great musicians and long life don't seem to go
  hand in hand very often. You just need to look
  at Cliff Richard for proof of that. This is the
  sad and touching story of Graham March, aka
  Desimal, a musician from Canada who also
  suffered from schizophrenia. In 2006 he
  committed suicide, but that hasn't stopped his
  music living on. His family and friends have
  put up his tracks for free. We enjoyed in
  particular the aptly-named "Afterlife". 
http://www.grahammarch.com/index.php
http://grahammarch.com/mp3/music/songs/Afterlife.mp3


  >> Best Supermarket Fails <<
  Imagine if like somebody on the internet
  crowd-sourced all the sort of funny/rubbish
  things you see in supermarkets. You don't have
  to imagine, as this is 2011 and it's here in
  your browser. WOO HOO!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/supermarkets


  >> ZX81 with an SD card <<
  30 years old this year, the ZX81 was the first
  computer your B3ta staff ever owned. We used it
  to made a blocky animation of a dog doing a
  shit. And now we run B3ta - nothing changes,
  except ZX81s now have SD card ports. Nice.
http://is.gd/syR932 (eBay)


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Now available on your internet enabled fridge

  >> iPad 2 / Garageband <<
  We really really really want an iPad 2. We'd
  totally talked ourselves out of it but then we
  saw the Garageband demo. We now totally have a
  fantasy of sneaking into a forest at the dead of
  night and recording a concept album about night
  stalkers:
http://goo.gl/DqzT1


  >> Rebecca Black for the win <<
  Rebecca Black, best known for ruining Twitter
  trend lists, gets re-interpreted by the Bad Lip
  Reading team, who scrubbed the audio from her
  original track 'Friday' and overdubbed it with
  any words that would fit. Funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GaKaGwch0U


  >> "Moth joke" <<
  Here's a lesson in comedy. You have your setup
  line and your punchline. The more work you can
  do twisting and turning your setup, the bigger
  the laugh you can get from the end bit. Maybe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck


  >> Banned University of Lincoln commercial <<
  Zombies were rad when Dawn Of The Dead was still
  a cult movie (the 1978 original, not the crappy
  2004 remake). But then Shaun Of The Dead came
  along and every other dink in the universe
  slapped on gore make-up and rendered zombies the
  tiredest shit ever. The only thing more boring
  than zombies are those university recruitment
  ads, usually featuring a bunch of swots reading
  books under a tree on a sunlit campus. So it's
  weird that a combination of the two lamest
  things in the world could work together to
  produce something witty and watchable. Check out
  the banned University of Lincoln commercial:
http://goo.gl/AMFZb


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Threeway kebab action

  * TINY COX - Quite fitting he should be a
  'Member' of the Senate.
http://goo.gl/s2pOk


  * BUILDERS LOLS - they love doing the erection
  joke just as much as handymen like saying
  "fancy a screw?"
http://www.quickfixscaffolding.com/


  * SAY IT OUT LOUD - Mr Neversoft writes, "I was
  reading the BBC News website when it linked to
  an article on the website for "Proceedings of
  the National Academy of Sciences" The only
  problem is how to pronounce the URL"
http://www.pnas.org


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Olympic Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture the
  Internet Olympics. Your favourites included:
 
  * WOW - historic kamikaze gaming manoeuvre 
    makes its way to the pool. (Afinkawan)
http://b3ta.com/board/10366728

  * POTCH - endurance sport reaches a new,
    horrific pinnacle. (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10364889

  * SPEED - fat pipe advantage pays dividends
    in sprint event. (the peevish djinn)
http://b3ta.com/board/10365709


    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/


  >> New challenge: Cheese! <<
  It's a magnificent one-word challenge.
  It's tasty, tasty curdled milk. Do with
  it what you will. It's CHEESE. Challenge
  suggested by Smash Monkey, Drimble_W and
  stereoroid
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cheese/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SICKIPEDIA GETS A BBC MENTION - Christ knows
  why anyone at the BBC thinks this is a good
  idea, we suspect a conspiracy to make the Beeb
  look shit so Murdoch can move in and asset strip.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12775389


  * DAILY MAIL DO OUR NAUGHTY SHOP CHALLENGE - but
  credit Facebook instead of us. The shits. Still,
  'supermarket scrabble' is a better name.
http://goo.gl/QapBc (Daily Nazi) 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naughtyshop/popular/


  * THREE CHEERS FOR PARSNIP CAKE - cat_the_dentist
  writes, "parsnip cake is utterly delicious and
  x2 as gooey sweet and moist as its poorer cousin,
  the carrot cake. Give it a go, although I don't
  normally do a thick icing, just a little lemon
  juice and icing sugar drizzle. Yum." Next week
  can you try turnip cake please?
http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/514249


  * KATE / HARRY MUG DOBBED IN - anon writes,
  "It's a side project by one of the creatives at
  my agency (Leo Burnett London) - he chose the
  name 'Guandong' as a reference to the Guangdong
  company that are famed for shite knock-offs. But
  you didn't hear that from me."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FACEBOOK ANONS - MeekMan asks, "Wouldn't it be
  great if there was an option on Facebook to make
  a post anonymously. That way, your friends would
  know that SOMEONE they knew had said something,
  but not exactly who. Things like 'She's only
  marrying you for a passport, Rick' or 'Your new
  jacket makes you look like a dick, Sam'." Or
  indeed, "Jesus Christ John! You're visibly
  swelling in each and every photo I see. Stop
  self-medicating your misery with food and visit
  a doctor and tell them you're depressed."

  * GAYPORNIFY - chavyboy writes, "Hi - just
  wondering if there's a site where you can upload
  a small picture of a friend's face, and it will
  be automatically photoshopped into some lovely
  gay porn? You know, for teh lulz and that. I
  can't believe that such a thing does not exist,
  but if I am correct, it seems that B3ta is the
  place to suggest such a thing."

  * A BROWSER PLUGIN THAT SHOWS YOU WHICH
  POLITICAL PRESSURE GROUP SOURCED WHICH STORY -
  like all the shit the Taxpayers' Alliance get
  into the papers about 'fat cat' teaching staff,
  so they can help prepare the ground for the
  wholesale privatisation of education.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cr3, Sonny_Jim,
  Bootsthealchemist, Scrambled Edd, Mr.Neversoft,
  Vulva, BrokenCoccyx, mrandrist,  Peter Davison,
  @simonth, Tribs. Top Tippery by sandettie light
  vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Additional writing via @tomdavenport,
  @giant_squid, @AlexDRobertson , James Stedman,
  dominic tunon, @RadioVicky, Simon Guerrero and
  Rob Walton.


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  TOP TIP:
  Got a potted cactus? Rather than watering on a
  daily basis, give it seasons by soaking it for
  about 36 hours and then don't water it at all
  for 2 months. When you water it again after the
  dry season, it will visibly swell. Each wet
  season will make it grow more than just a daily
  watering would. Also, watering it daily will
  kill it.

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