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NEWSLETTER: "SPECIAL CHRIS MOYLES CHARITY FUNDRAISER EDITION"

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This Week:
* FUCK MY EYES - Funny name corner is back
* VIDEO - Dog on escalator
* CUTE - Sandkittens!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're deluding ourselves     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | that Amstrad invented the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   iPad... together"

B3ta iMail 447 - 24 Sep 2010

Making sub-NTK gags like "Cisco Sucks" since 2001
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue446/

    Cum bread:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Period Jam:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
  A Hand in the Bush: the Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
  
  Just realised we can use Amazon to see what we
  were buying in 1999 and - gosh - shitty, old
  VHS tapes and CDs were expensive! However,
  we're not linking to our first-ever purchase
  (some dull book about Blur?!) but our 4th - a
  book we bought for the title alone, thinking it
  would make a good comedy Christmas gift for the
  then-girlfriend. She was rather alarmed to find
  it was mostly a collection of line drawings of
  lesbians fisting each other. We broke up
  shortly afterwards.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1890159026/b3ta-21


 >> Sponsor B3ta <<
 Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than wanking in Portaloos

  >> Dog on an escalator <<
  "My dog leads a simple life," confesses Waruu.
  "Needless to say, he knows very little of the
  workings of an escalator. A fact which he
  brilliantly displayed on a recent trip into
  London Town." This is why you're supposed to
  carry your canine chums on escalators. Their
  poor, fuzzy brains just can't cope.
http://snurl.com/dogscalator


  >> Cat Face 22 <<
  Cat Face has been going through all them old
  photographs in the loft. Wonchop asks what
  could life have been like for the Catfaces of
  yesteryear?
http://weebls-stuff.com/catface/Cat+Face+22/


  >> Sticks: Copper Kidnap <<
  "Here's a follow-up to our lolly sticks
  animation Copper Cuppa," say the Brothers
  McLeod. Creepily in unison. "This one
  features an evil pencil sharpener. Obviously."
http://snurl.com/copperkidnap


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Drugs

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were really wasted.
  Luckily some of you are willing to admit to
  acting like a massive twat whilst on massive
  drugs. Read about them here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/

  * "A friend of mine told me about his return
  trip from Helter Skelter. He'd nodded off in
  the passenger seat and woke up to the driver
  having a bit of a panic: the headlights of a
  lorry were looming towards them and the driver
  was frantically trying to spin the wheel. The
  other two passengers woke up too, and the
  driver, after a few further panicked stamps on
  the brakes, opened the door and hurled himself
  out of the car. It transpired shortly after
  this that all four of them had pulled over
  into a layby for a nap several hours earlier;
  the driver had woken up, seen the approaching
  headlights and, in his addled haze, assumed he
  was still driving. Where the idea of hurling
  himself out of the car came from though, I've
  no idea." (luckybluecoat)
     
  * "When I first began driving I borrowed my
  mum's car a lot. Enjoying the freedom of the
  road I soon stocked up on indie compilation
  tapes and sweets and visited friends around
  the country. One evening my mum came back from
  work and asked to sit down for a serious talk.
  She pulled out a small white tablet embossed
  with a letter on it and said to me, with tears
  in her eyes: "I found this in my car. I want
  you to answer me straight. Is this drugs?" I
  took it off her, looked at it (I'd obviously
  dropped it in the car) and told her the truth
  in a calm tone of voice. "No. It's a Smint."
  (B3tatimolsky)
     
  * "As a northerner I like to inject ecstasy
  straight into my mouth: we call it E by gum."
  (djgalaxe - the old jokes are the best jokes)


  >> This Week's Question : Regret <<
  CactusZack wrote to tell us about dumping a
  girlfriend AFTER she got breast implants. It
  clearly still haunts him. What inexplicable
  decisions have you made?
http://b3ta.com/questions/decisions/


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: SHITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Signs of the fucking apocalypse <<
  Are you completely rat-rape insane? Do you
  worry that funny shit might happen in front of
  you and you'll miss youTube gold? Then record
  everything, EVERYTHING that occurs, with a
  camera attached to your FACE. (We're wearing
  one now so we can edit our toilet time into an
  auto-tuned piss symphony.)
http://www.looxcie.com/


  >> Blind people on iPhones <<
  Found ourselves almost moved by this
  description of a blind guy's life being
  radically improved by an iPhone app which
  speaks out the colours of stuff that you point
  it at. BTW: Out of curiosity we nabbed the
  same app and it's psychedelic - randomly
  intoning strange and poetic colours with a
  robot voice. It's like dropping acid with
  Stephen Hawking.
http://snurl.com/myeyephone


  >> Rap map <<
  If you're stuck for a poster to print out to
  illustrate your spunky sock-strewn hovel, then
  waste your toner and A4 on this exciting GIF
  that unlocks the secrets of Rap for the white
  man.
http://snurl.com/rapchart


  >> Map of European Stereotypes <<
  It's obviously map week on the internet, and
  this depressingly accurate collection of maps
  makes us wish we understood world poLOLitics
  better, but we can nod and laugh and pretend
  with the best.
http://alphadesigner.com/project-mapping-stereotypes.html


  >> Boy meets girl with a dark twist <<
  Introducing the M Night Shamalamadingdong of
  cartoons, here's something to crack one out to
  while your torrents of "Granny Fuckfest 9" are
  stalling at 99%.
http://www.viruscomix.com/page199.html


  >> Crap at my parents' house <<
  Those of you who aren't from broken homes
  might have parents who still keep their
  bedrooms pristine, literal empty nests, and
  tombs to their post-menopausal wombs. Take
  heed B3tans, this is what's called love:
http://crapatmyparentshouse.com


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR CUTEDAR GO PING PING PING
  Sandkittens

  "These blast points  too accurate for
  sandkittens," muttered Obi-Wan Kittenobi. Cute
  as buttons though.
http://snurl.com/spangcats


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like one of those Casio video watches from
  2002 but with bigger video

  >> OK Go - take 70-something <<
  Every OK GO video they make is better than the
  last one, and every song is less memorable.
  How do they do it? How can they put notes
  together in such forgettable ways? Still, the
  video is interstellar and... did you spot the
  goat?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHlJODYBLKs


  >> Russian bloke vs airbag <<
  We were chatting to Britain's premiere viral
  director Ben Wheatley the other day and he
  told us his theory of slapstick viral success.
  Someone smug should get a comeuppance. If this
  wasn't real - we reckon Ben could have made
  it. It's the callous laughter that stays with
  you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGJApB6NxyI


  >> Stsanders Beatles <<
  Comedy has a new name and it's Stsanders.
  Fucking classic, mate. And we're not types to
  use that pseudo-matey cockney chat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stsanders_Beatles


  >> Star Wars - 10 Re-Edits <<
  "Ten scenes from the Great Film, re-edited for
  laughs. Some hilarious, some not," writes
  Cliff Richard's porn stash. To be honest, we
  only managed the first gag about clumsy jedis
  before contemptuously thinking, "This will
  work as filler for the newsletter" and then
  going back to main job of the day: googling
  those idiots in the 'catch the bus' suicide
  pact.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_10_Re_Edits


  >> How to crack open a coconut <<
  This is the same chappie that chucked a brick
  into a washing machine and, by crikey, he's a
  bit of a mental. Here he's made some sort of
  mad machine to destroy coconuts by inflating
  them. It's a real low-stakes thriller, as the
  pressure dial slowly creeps into the red zone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_crack_open_a_coconut


  >> DJ Cat <<
  Old people on the internet might remember
  Keyboard Cat, a youTube vid (remember them?)
  from simpler days. This is somewhat
  reminiscent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dj_Cat


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Like rape is funny to a rape victim. We're not
  disrespecting rape victims here, we're simply
  saying this section isn't funny, using
  appropriately strong language.

  * INVENTOR OF SEMEN-BASED INVISIBLE INK WAS
  CALLED 'CUMMING' - actually forget the crappy
  lol factor of the name, it's just a
  fascinating story that YOU need to read.
http://snurl.com/inkstain


  * MARIJUANA SAWYER - what kind of parent names
  a child after the drugs they were on when they
  conceived the child? Oh, a high parent of
  course. Ever wonder why so many 80s kids are
  called Charlie?
http://www.uww.edu/advising/aaec/welcome/staff/sawyer.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Retro Sci-Fi Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us the future,
  yesterday.

  Your favourites included:

  * AWWW - worth much clickage simply for the
  sublime image of Chewbacca as a pup (Fresh
  Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10189914

  * SUPPER - that classic Alien scene,
  re-imagined as a Da Vinci mural (The Great
  Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10190559

  * BOOZE - the best beer, ever, has a mixed
  audience (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10193037

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifisequel/


  >> New challenge: Parallel Universes <<
  Imagine a universe where everything is totally
  reversed. Then make a picture or animation of
  it. Challenge suggested by The Hedgehog From
  Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/parallel/


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: FIRESHARES NEEDED FOR PhD
  Go on, help a B3tan out  

  Commandsheep writes -
  "I'm a member of b3ta and would like to summon
  the wisdom of the crowd for a piece of
  research for my PhD. I have been slacking
  through the whole thing so far but now I have
  realised that I have to put some effort in,
  otherwise they are going to kick me out. My
  professor already hates me and my only chance
  to win his love back is to present him with
  some results. So please b3ta, will you help me
  out?

  "I am looking for young adults (aged 18-24)
  that download music with p2p file-sharing apps
  and are willing to be interviewed. I know that
  this technology is archaic by now but when I
  started the PhD it wasn't. And that should
  tell you about how long I have been living
  this hell.

  "My email for contact is: commandsheep@gmail.com"


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * VEITCH IS ENTERING THE HAM BUSINESS - Joel
  writes, "I'm embarking on flogging ham HAM
  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM specifically Serrano
  ham. The ham project is called HAMAZING and it
  is going to be absolutely brilliant! I am
  massively buzzing off the fact I am going into
  the ham business, mainly because it means
  there will be a completely justifiable excuse
  for me to always have loads of ham."

  * DAN BULL ON SPOTIFY - B3ta's own pet rapper
  Dan has stuck his debut album on Spotify. We
  listened to it whilst walking in the rain and
  particularly enjoyed the track about writing
  songs to get stuff out of your head, as a form
  of therapy. Speaking as people who've recorded
  over 50 tracks this year, most of them too
  alarming for public consumption, we're saying
  "right on, brother."
http://open.spotify.com/album/0o2u8kElp1WJs3ycLuJs3x

  * AN OFF BUTTON FOR FACEBOOK PLACES - anniediv
  writes, "Is this what you meant?" Erm,
  probably. Mostly we were just moaning that
  Facebook had foisted more unwelcome shit on
  us. If we wanted to be on foursquare we'd be
  there. BTW: UK Wired magazine having
  foursquare bloke on cover a few months back
  with tagline "King of the Internet" made us
  laugh so much we had to photograph it for
  future lols.
http://bit.ly/cswUVt


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Real world break out

  Imagine you're trapped in a really dull office
  and the only way you can skive is to play
  crappy versions of Breakout that look like
  Word from the mid-2000s. If this isn't your
  life already then this game is a pretty
  accurate simulation:
http://snurl.com/realworldbreakout


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * THINK ABOUT XMAS - maybe a pop-up advent
  calendar with shitty obscene Internet memes
  behind every door like goaste, turbgirl and
  that twat who sat on a lightbulb.

  * CUM-BREAD - Recently been mildly obsessed
  with cum-bread (bread made with cum) after
  seeing a reference to it in a biography of 70s
  disco star Sylvester. Please make some, do a
  "how to make cum-bread video" then see if you
  can get find anyone stupid enough to eat it.
  BTW: We're so cum-bread obsessed that it's
  become a minor catch phrase. Like, "Hey
  Cum-bread, how was work?" Or, "What's for
  dinner? I hope it's cum-bread."

  * AN EIFFEL TOWER MADE OF SAUSAGES - we dunno,
  it's getting towards lunchtime and our tummies
  are rumbling.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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 Top people:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Shit wanks:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANK YOU OFF UNTIL YOU POP:
  This issue was written by Rob "ert" Manuel
  with David Leonardo Stevenson using the power
  of Google Docs. We used to use a Wiki but
  Jesus Helium Christ, this is easier. Stuff
  sent in by drake1, robneymcplum, chestmcgee,
  Rodhri, Enzyme, Hellzapoppin, chthonicionic,
  glenbo, Dave the Explosive Newt, Paster of
  Muppets, waz4444, Christian Heilmann.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. BTW:
  Considering Princess Diana lived about 36
  years, we'd like to know where Elton gets his
  surprisingly durable candles from. Subjlols
  via The Great Architect.


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  TOP TIP:
  "Hi Chaps," simpers ArfurDaley, "for your top
  tippery newslettery shenanigans: Shave in the
  shower, to save huge amounts of time and
  shaving foam. That is all."

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