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NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU'RE NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR FIRST PORN SHOOT JUST IMAGINE EVERYONE NAKED"

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This Week:
* PRODUCTS - AN "AIDS" BABY BIB
* CATS - IN THEIR OWN MINI VILLAGE
* SHAUN RYDER - ON HOLIDAY

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We remember safe for      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  web colours... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       

B3ta email 445 - 10 Sept 2010

Read this thin tissue of lies:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue445/

      Submarine:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubmarine:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Baby bib with "AIDS" written on it
   
  Just visited Amazon to find the linky for the
  most recent thing we've bought as use as
  filler for the useless advertising section -
  actually a rather nice TV for the bedroom
  with a built in DIVX DVD player and instead 
  Amazon has just recommended that we buy a
  baby bib with "AIDS" written on it. Who are
  we to disagree. Buy them in your thousands
  B3tans.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002UZ6SUO/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than claiming the social

  >> Garden Party <<
  "Here's our latest effort," greets Ornsack. "It's
  a little cutesy, but it's ok." Jesus Christ. Fear!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Garden_Party


  >> Sneaky Cat <<
  This sneaky cat clip has been all over teh
  interwebs. Monty Propps gives his own take on why
  so furtive.
http://snurl.com/sneakycatlady


  >> Draw Your Dinner <<
  "This is my own website/project, which I love
  dearly," warbles Dave T. "As the name suggests,
  this is a site which welcomes, nay, encourages
  you to submit a drawing of your favourite meal."
http://www.drawyourdinner.com


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Complaints

  Last week we asked for your letters of
  complaint, sent or received:
http://b3ta.com/questions/complaintsdesk/

  * "Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was
  a serial complainer/consumer terrorist. She'd
  fire off letters of complaint to all manner of
  unsuspecting companies regarding their shoddy
  wares or, in this case, food. The usual
  response was a fistful of money off vouchers or
  a cheque from the unsuspecting company to calm
  the rabid bitch's fevered brow. One day,
  Kelloggs appeared on her radar because they'd
  committed the heinous crime of palming off a
  large box of cornflakes on the unsuspecting
  masses with a burnt cornflake in it. The
  sternly worded letter of complaint was duly
  wriiten and despatched post haste to those fine
  people at Kelloggs. She really went to town on
  them over how outrageous it was that such a
  fine upstanding company should be peddling this
  sub-standard filth on the general public and
  what were they going to do about it? Their
  response? A "With Compliments" slip with a
  single replacement cornflake taped to the top
  right hand corner..." (frightfullybored)
     
  * "A couple of years ago I was have a cup of
  tea around my mate's parents' house. I
  commented on how swanky their new telly looked.
  The old man started telling a story of how his
  sister bought a TV and when it was delivered
  there was no plug on the power lead. As he
  recounted the tale he was getting angrier and
  angrier; it ended with him out of the arm chair
  tensed in a fighting posture, red faced and
  shouting, "SO I FUCKING TOLD HIM TO PUT A
  FUCKING PLUG ON THAT FUCKING LEAD OR THIS TELLY
  AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING TELLY IN THE SHOP WAS
  GOING THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW!" He collapsed
  back into the chair, spent from the exertions
  of the re-lived rage. "When was this?" asked
  his son. "1952," he replied." (Ring Of Fire)
     
  * "Dear Avery, your sheets of printer labels
  are all marked "Guaranteed Jam Free", but you
  provide absolutely no details whatsoever on how
  to redeem this offer." (Vice Admiral Sir
  Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to tell us about your best and
  easiest jobs. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> David Mitchell with Pizza <<
  The TV funnyman's strange relationship with
  Neapolitan peasant food explored in a series of
  drawings.
http://davidmitchellwithpizza.tumblr.com/


  >> Hipster Dinosaurs <<
  Giant lizards were into cool things a long,
  long time before you were.
http://www.forkparty.com/hipster-dinosaurs/


  >> Cat village <<
  This philanthropist has built a selection of
  miniature houses for lonely cats. He's
  indulging cats' fantasies of growing seven feet
  tall and devouring all humans.
http://snurl.com/catvillage


  >> The real stuff white people like <<
  More clever stat analysis from dating site Ok
  Cupid. People's online profiles analysed to
  show the most popular hobbies and interests
  broken down by ethnic group. The question is -
  why so much Tom Clancy love?
http://snurl.com/realstuffwhitepeoplelike


  >> Sexing your guineapig <<
  Pages and pages of positively gynaecological
  guineapig porn.
http://snurl.com/guineaporn


  >> Youtube time machine <<
  Give it a year and it'll give you videos from
  that year, covering 1860 to 2010. That's your
  afternoon fucked.
http://yttm.tv/v/1973


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Your VHS with a "twitter this" button

  >> Tippex viral thing <<
  Type whatever words you want, to change the
  content of the youtube clip. Hmm. That actually
  just sounds like how the youtube search
  function works. But this has a bear! BTW try "A
  hunter is a bear".
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=tippexperience


  >> Rocket jump in RL <<
  Using movie special effects to recreate the
  messed-up physics of 8-bit gaming.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/rocket_jump_in_RL


  >> Animated gif symphony <<
  Rap video made from animated gifs, including
  many from b3ta's own hallowed messageboards.
  We're unsure of the commercial potential vs the
  usual approach of rap video made from sexy
  ladies.
http://b3ta.com/links/How_many_b3ta_contributions_can_YOU_spot


  >> Barcelona with Shaun Ryder (Happy Mondays) <<
  Classic WTFery pairs opera singer with
  shambolic Happy Mondays frontman. Still kind of
  hard to believe this really happened. It's
  great though.
http://b3ta.com/links/Barcelona_with_Shaun_Ryder_Happy_Mondays


  >> Predator's teenage son <<
  Awkward father-son intergenerational conflict
  for movie monster. Also, if everybody on
  Predator planet is a hunter, who makes their
  shoes?
http://b3ta.com/links/Predator_has_problems_with_his_teenage_son


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Funny like cancer is funny
 
  * THE HEADLINE THAT WRITES ITSELF - Hairy
  writes, "I know funny name corner is probably
  the bane of your life, but oh wow: 'Butts
  Arrested in Boob Murder Case'"
http://wearecentralpa.com/wtaj-news-fulltext/?nxd_id=203465


  * OUR NEW FAVOURITE RADIO STATION - rqmusicfan
  writes, "Found this link, hopefully it hasn't
  been sent before - thought it was suitably
  childish. The sound of your genitalia... this
  is... PENIS TONE FM"
http://www.penistonefm.co.uk/


  * BASTARD! - mysticegg writes, "Have a look at
  this and tell me the company logo doesn't look
  like 'Bastard' Internet Security." BTW: If Lord
  Sugar's mum had named him Barry Alan Sugar then
  his company would have been the quite wonderful
  BASTRAD PLC. Just saying.
http://www.astaro.com/

  * THE COCKFIGHTER - Genius tagline for
  unmarketable film.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071338/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Limericks Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to makes up rhymes and
  poems, then illustrate the little buggers.

  Your favourites included:

  * NAG - Jeremy the Annoying Horse is annoying
  again (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10173506

  * PITHY - it started well, but a lack of rhymes
 curtailed this fine effort (Jimbotfu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10173640

  * BASE - classic web meme re-imagined as poetry
  (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10175214

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/limericks/


  >> New challenge: re-marketing classic albums <<
  This week, b3ta is going to rescue the music
  industry: what we want you to do is take
  classic albums and re-design the artwork for an
  entirely different market. Sell punk albums to
  classical fans and thrash metal to lovers of
  happy house, and so on. Hey, presto, new
  business model. Challenge suggested by Bela
  Legosi's Dad
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/marketingalbums/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CHEAPO SPOTIFY RIVALS - loads of you wrote in
  to recommend Grooveshark, including Ade
  Sanderson: "It's free ($3 per month for the VIP
  access thingy (which includes scrobbling and a
  desktop client and other bits)), brilliant, and
  the only downside is the lack of organisation.
  People are able to upload their own music, so
  searching is a bit iffy because the rest of the
  internets have uploaded a whole load of crap
  with shitty ID3 tags. Still, it's the best
  you'll get for the price and makes my life
  great at work (where we're not allowed Spotify
  because of the upload bandwidth used). Rah."
http://listen.grooveshark.com/


  * BBC TAKES B3TAN'S PISSTAKE SERIOUSLY - B3tan
  FrizFrizzle made a cartoon taking the piss
  out of super-hard quiz Only Connect's use of
  Greek letters instead of question numbers.
  Presenter Victoria Coren saw it, and this week
  the new series aired with Egyptian
  Hieroglyphics instead:
http://snurl.com/b3tanslovecoren

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DAILY MAIL FILTER - that leaves the pictures
  of hot ladies and celebrity tittle-tattle but
  dumps the bigotry.

  * MORE SPOTIFY REQUESTS - Krang asks, "I wish
  someone would invent something that takes your
  Spotify playlists, scours the internet for the
  tracks, and then assembles them in one
  easy-to-download zip file. I'm sure someone at
  b3ta could make it out of ham and Lego."

  * AN APPLE MAGIC MOUSE THAT RECHARGES BY USB -
  gah, fucking hell, right, we're pausing the
  newsletter and going to buy some rechargables
  via Amazon right now. Click. Done.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
 
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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel (who is
  daydreaming about writing a guide to male
  sexual health: The Knob Manual by Rob Manuel)
  with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  sauronwibble, Sn0tters, Peter Davison, Cliff
  Richard's porn stash, Darklord, Lightguy,
  chocolatelemming. Top Tippery by Smale.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.


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  TOP TIP:
  Need a new barbecue glove? Go to your local DIY
  store and buy a welding glove instead. Just as
  good, if not better, and for about a quarter of
  the price.

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