we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "NAOMI CAMPBELL UPSET AT GAINING 3 STONES OVERNIGHT"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* ROCKY - Official B3ta Cat video
* SNAILS - With paintings on their backs
* PETER SERAFINOWICZ - Interviewed by B3tans

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Never sure if we're      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   hiding in the bunker or 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   the attic... together"

B3ta email 440 - 6 Aug 2010

Buy this issue in our Psion Organiser app store:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue440/

       Joiners:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Splitters:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  All New Larry David plus more

  Our new Curb t-shirts are pretty, pretty,
  pretty good and we have a bunch of other new
  designs to awe, inspire and upset the masses.
  Whack the Voucher Code 'B3TA' in at the
  checkout and get 15% discount. B3at that!
http://bit.ly/pushb3ta


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Snails, Cats, Zoos, and Bonobos

  >> Snail painting <<
  "About, well, must be two years ago you had a
  suggestion in the newsletter about using snails
  as tea lights," begins Hampster Squared. "I'm
  an artist and I work with live insects and
  plants, but had no idea how drawing would fit
  in with the rest of what I was working on. The
  snails were a revelation. So I've spent the
  past two or so years painting on snail shells. 
  Have a look at some of them:
http://www.tilla.co.uk/gallery-detail.php?gallery_id=8


  >> Rocky The Cat <<
  "I wrote a song about my cat," says Rob "He's
  sort of awful but I do rather like him despite
  what I say." Rocky is a naughty cat and he
  genuinely would kill and eat you if he could.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM5PLT4dHM4


  >> Lego zoo <<
  "Since I never saw a zoo made out of lego, I
  thought I'd make one," exclaims mediocre. We
  applaud his ambition.
http://www.mocpages.com/moc.php/217458


  >> Bonobo and Me <<
  "We were asked by the guys at Hat Trick Digital
  to make a short film in just one week based on
  the theme of 'leadership'," squeals Ornsack.
  "This was the result!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bonobo_and_Me


-------------------------------------------------

: PETER SERAFINOWICZ Q&A
  'Male comedienne' answers your questions

  Our long awaited interview with Britain's best
  comedian is live, very exiting news for all
  comedy fans. Serafinowicz tells jokes and
  delivers the occasional insight. Top notch.
  Sample bit: "If you could punch any animal in
  the zoo, what would it be? My birthday!"
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/peterserafinowicz/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Ouch

  Last week you asked for your ouchiest moments.
  Never underestimate a b3tan's ability to fall
  over and twat themselves in the nethers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ouch/

  * "My wife at my cousins wedding was 2.5
  bottles of wine in after three hours. Just
  after the speeches I took her back to the hotel
  room in the hope of she'd have a snooze but she
  flew into a rage, spouting, "we're never going
  to get married. They've only been together five
  minutes. You don't love me..." etc. She stormed
  off into the darkened bathroom, went to sit on
  the toilet but sat on the bidet. The spout on
  the tap of bidet went straight up her arse and
  broke her coccyx. I found her face down in her
  make-up bag, sobbing the words, "the toilet bit
  me." She couldn't sit down for four weeks."
  (atdotslash)
     
  * "At Finsbury Park tube station, standing up
  one end of the platform, the end where the
  train first emerges from the tunnel. The end
  where it's still going fucking quickly: that's
  where I was, standing with my feet near the
  edge of the platform in a bit of a dream world.
  I looked down and noticed a loose shoe lace. I
  started to crouch down and a bit forward to do
  it up... and woke up strapped in a stretcher
  being carried up the spiral staircase. I'd
  tried to stop the tube train with my head."
  (Ring Of Fire)
     
  * "I went to the doctors as a child with a
  peanut stuck in my ear. He poured in some warm
  chocolate and it later came out a Treat."
  (Amorous Badger)

  >> This Week's Question: Fluff <<
  It's been five years since we asked for your
  warm, fluffy, beautiful memories. Talk to us
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments2/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Christian propaganda lols <<
  Cheap laffs at the expense of earnest,
  well-meaning people. Well-meaning, but almost
  unbelievably fucking stupid people.
  Skateboarding Jesus = best thing ever.
http://snurl.com/yourgodisdeadhahaha


  >> Happiest bear in the world <<
  Candid shot of Kylie and 'friend'.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/d4c4c160c84406febe5f/kylie.jpg


  >> Classic movie posters in black & red. <<
  Minimalist movie dude Olly Moss does what he
  does best with incredible black & red posters
  much better than the originals. Why don't they
  make posters like that these days? Possibly
  they look amazing, but don't actually get
  people into the cinema.
http://www.geekosystem.com/black-red-movie-posters-olly-moss/


  >> Abbey Road webcam <<
  Live coverage of the famous crossing. Any time
  of day or night you can find Spanish tourists
  re-enacting the Beatles album cover, and angry
  drivers who just want to get where they're
  going.
http://www.abbeyroad.com/visit/


  >> Computational rephotography <<
  Vintage Russian photography combined with
  modern pics from the same vantage point to
  create an unsettling effect.
http://sergey-larenkov.livejournal.com/


  >> "I am a text sex operator" <<
  Bloke screencaps his time as a sex text
  operator, pretending to be Kathy from Bristol
  with 36Ds and wearing wellies, to fulfil the
  punters' fetishes. Some great lines.
http://dearphoneii.blogspot.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like Youtube but with less videos

  >> Wip3out... made of cardboard! <<
  Fuck yes! Ancient race game Wipeout, recreated
  with a cardboard track, a remote control car
  and full arcade cabinet. Pretty much the
  coolest thing ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/WipEout_made_of_cardboard


  >> Eastenders the sitcom <<
  If you think Eastenders is grim these days,
  check out the 1986 Christmas special - now
  improved with laugh track!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eastenders_the_sitcom


  >> Noel Coward Rehab <<
  Archive footage of 'The Master' singing a
  little ditty about how they tried to make him
  go to Rehab but he wouldn't go. No no no.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_Rm_Yu4Bns


  >> Autotune rapist <<
  The Autotune the News team continue to push the
  envelope, with a musical number based on a rape
  investigation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw


  >> Washing machine self-destructs <<
  Skip ahead 50 seconds to see a washing machine
  comically destroy itself.
http://snurl.com/brickybrickywashwash

  The world was immediately all over this and
  had their own remixes up in minutes:
http://b3ta.com/links/Washing_Machine_Self_Destructs_REMIX


  >> Little raver <<
  Wait for it, wait for it - oh, and the tune
  drops! We can only assume he learned this from
  watching his daddy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Little_Raver


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  The Return of Goatse

  Rib writes, "When Researching tyres here in NZ
  I stumbled across this - definitely looks like
  a goatse to me!"
 http://www.pirelli.co.nz/web/default.page


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Prequel Challenge

  Last week's challenging challenge is to invent
  the movie & TV prequels to famous films: The
  Dambuilders, Reservoir Puppies, Indiana Jones &
  The Second-last Crusade, etc. Mental.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * MEMENTO 2 - of course! That's the sequel to
  Memento. BTW: We're looking forward to seeing
  Inception but haven't actually bothered yet.
  Just thought we'd share our enthusiasm /
  apathy. (yanmania)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10137933

  * A CHEESE SANDWICH ON ELM STREET - has science
  proved this wrong yet? We only get nightmares
  when we remember about the bodies we've got
  stacked up in the basement. (Bela Lugosi's Dad )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10137699

  * RAYMOND GOES FOR HIS MMR - one definitely
  disproved by science. (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10138020

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prequels/


  >> New challenge: Pope merchandise <<
  The pope is visiting the UK soon, and the
  merchandise is already on sale, but it's
  rubbish. This week's challenge is to show the
  Vatican what they should be selling to mark the
  occasion. God will be delighted.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pope/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Vampire Kittens

  Your Ginger Fuhrer has organised one of those
  flash game thingies for the E4 site - this time
  designed by long time B3tan plasticmartians AKA
  wideeye.
http://www.e4.com/game/vampire-kittens/play.e4


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * EBUTOUY.COM - Every Youtube vid backwards.
  There are 16 old kids out there having their
  first experiences with acid - give them
  something to watch.

  * AN EXPANDED VERSION OF THIS WIKI PAGE - with
  all the artwork clearly displayed in one page,
  we thought about doing it ourself but couldn't
  be arsed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_controversial_album_art

  * MACHINE THAT CLAPS EVERYTIME WE DO A POO -
  ideal for kids and pensioners. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Diamondflamer,
  chickenlady, Proboscisface, TownsendsPublisher,
  waz4444, MrGomez, Jimmy Savlon, Alpaca,
  tweed_steed, Bob Todd, King of Beers, NIKCY
  HEWGILLL, Cliff Richard's porn stash,
  braindrop, WiL Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Griffy Savalas.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Teenage girls and menopausal women. If your man
  is all sparkly and won't shag you, it's because
  he's a gay, not a vampire. (Amorous Badger)

next issue »
« previous issue