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NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT GETS A WORSE RECEPTION THAN AN IPHONE 4"

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This Week:
* SEXY BOOBS - You will be very aroused
* CUTE - Kitten riding tortoise
* YOUR NEW PET - The Immortal Dog

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're having   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      a stranglewank
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        ...together"

B3ta e-fax 434 - 25 June 2009+1

This is a download from a BBC micro:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue434/

        Cake!  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Dog shit  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Her Fearful Symmetry 

  As is tradition when we don't sell an ad, our
  last purchase on Amazon was the Audrey
  Niffenegger novel Her Fearful Symmetry. Best
  known as the author of the rather ace The Time
  Travellers Wife - it's received mixed reviews,
  partly we suspect as at the core it's not a
  romantic love story. But still, it's keeping us
  gripped to the end, and it's one of the few
  books we've seen that has a ghost cat in it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0224085611/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than using socks as tissues

  >> Sexy boobs <<
  Feast your eyes on a sexy treat via b3tard
  BrokenToaster.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexy_boobs


  >> Behind the scenes with drunken David Attenborough <<
  The bedraggled national treasure bemoans his
  dreadful working conditions, as he squats,
  drinking, in a tent on location. This is, of
  course, the work of highly-talented Terry
  Mynott, who also has a new Channel 4 series
  coming soon.
http://snurl.com/david-attenborough-drunk


  >> Odd retro interview <<
  One for more mature readers, as Matt Casey
  tracks down and interviews John Bartlett, the
  producer of oddball quiz show 3-2-1 as well as
  The New Statesman. Q: Is it time for a sequel
  to ‘The New Statesman’? A: There was a sequel to
  Alan B’Stard. It was called Tony Blair, but it
  wasn’t quite as believable and certainly not as
  funny!
http://snurl.com/interview321


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sticking it to The Man

  Nothing feels better than getting one over on
  faceless bureaucracy. Well, lots of sexytime
  things do, but you know what we mean:
http://b3ta.com/questions/theman/

  * STEP LACK - "My Nan was plagued with endless
  phone-calls from pedlars and snake oil salesmen
  who like to prey on the elderly and vulnerable.
  I signed her up to the TPS and that cut a lot
  of them out, but some of these bastards just
  don't quit. One company that was particularly
  virulent kept trying to sell her a stair-lift.
  In the end she just gave up, talked to the guy
  about her hip replacement for half and hour and
  how it'd certainly help to have a stair-lift to
  get up stairs. Instantly one of their goons
  came round to give her the hard sell and quote
  for installing a spanking new stair-lift... in
  her bungalow. They never called again. We miss
  you, Nan xx" (Draconacticus)
     
  * SPUD SACK - "Sick to death as my father was
  of receiving unsolicited CDs from the ISP
  'FreeServe' he decided to do something about
  it. On the wallet that houses the CD was a bit
  of small print that said, 'If you don't want
  this CD, you can return it to us free of charge
  at the following address.' So that's what he
  did. He posted the CD back to them. After first
  stapling it to a large bag of spuds. These
  freepost addresses charge based on the weight
  of the parcel received." (Mullered)
     
  * CASH BACK - "I paid my speeding fine with my
  Tesco Credit Card. So in fact crime does pay.
  It pays in clubcard points." (Weejock)


  >> This Week's Question: Unfinished business <<
  Ever started something and then sort of wandered
  off and never really got that back into it and
  it was sort of boring anyway and, oh, whatever,
  talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unfinishedbusiness/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Extremely creepy Michael Jackson drawings <<
  Not sure which are the most disturbing, the
  crude scrawls, Jacko angels, kissing children
  or the ones that fall into the uncanny valley
  of 'That one's not so bad really.. wait, oh my
  God he has some sort of fucking robotic
  molesting arm!"
http://snurl.com/yourartisgreat


  >> Lost cat shenanigans <<
  Curmudgeonly David Thorne is asked to make a
  poster for a colleague's missing cat. He does
  not like cats.
http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html


  >> Jobs v Gates <<
  Smug old rich dudes Steve Jobs and Bill Gates
  congratulate each other, in a series of text on
  photo comic strips. Like a nerdier Waldorf and
  Statler.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2010/05/steve-jobs-vs-bill-gates/


  >> Soothing vuvuzela <<
  The meme that will never die, until the 11th
  July. Yes, you can buy a CD of vuvuzela sounds.
  Yes, there are amusing reviews.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003HBN9DY/b3ta-20


  >> Get Frank Sidebottom to Number 1 <<
  Cult comedy star Frank Sidebottom (aka Chris
  Sievey) sadly passed away this week. A bunch of
  his mates are trying to get Frank's World Cup
  song 'Three Shirts on my Line' into the Top 40,
  as a fitting tribute to the great man. Frank
  first appeared on the B-side of a ZX Spectrum
  game he wrote about the music industry. Former
  sidekicks include Mark Radcliffe, Mrs Merton
  and Jon Ronson.
http://twitter.com/GetFrankToNo1


  >> Trees Photographed in Infrared <<
  Plants are very reflective to infra-red light,
  so these photos make them look like beautiful
  candy-floss. Makes us wish we had ultra-violet
  and infra-red vision, to really appreciate the
  world's natural beauty. And laser vision to
  chop down our foes.
http://snurl.com/treeuschrist


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Kitten riding tortoise

  Dear TV companies. Have you ever thought about
  doing a show called "Animals Riding Animals"?
  Here's your first episode.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4v4TMqrbhE&feature=related


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Very much like video but on the... WEB!

  >> Immortal Dog <<
  Fast editing and mentalness make this spoof
  advert from The Midnight Show full of the
  proverbial win.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Immortal_Dog


  >> Star Trek Tik Tok <<
  There isn't a song written that can't be
  illustrated with a Kirk / Spock slash theme.
  (And we've just looked up a list of UK #1s
  to test thing theory and we're giggling at
  the idea of Charlotte Church's "Crazy Chick")
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Tik_Tok
  
  
  >> Dad Life <<
  Dad is a funny word. If you're ever bored try
  substituting it into songs, instead of 'man' or
  'boy'. Wild Dads! by Duran Duran, or Sabrina's 
  "Dads Dad Dads, are you looking for a good time?"
  This vid enjoys laughing at men of a certain 
  age too.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dad_Life

 
  >> Human LCD <<
  Apple might be going crazy for their retina
  displays - that's 300 pixels per inch instead
  of the normal 70 to 100 or so, but in Korea the
  trend is the opposite - pixels are now the size
  of people.
http://b3ta.com/links/Human_LCD_Close_Up_Video_SOUTH_KOREA

 
  >> Gandalf goes to the world cup <<
  Don't really want to laugh at this, as Lord of
  the Rings spoofs are old hat and we're also
  sick to death of football jokes, but it really
  comes together and made us grin.
http://b3ta.com/links/Gandalf_goes_to_the_world_cup


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Double the content, twice as unfunny

  * GIANT RUSSIAN BRIDGE COCK - we saw this last
  week but we only noticed it was funny when we
  realised it was a drawbridge - so when it lifts
  it's a bit like an erection. Hooray! (thanks
  the-skunk-works)
http://snurl.com/russiancockbridge


  * OBAMA LOVES THE COCK - Lamsicle writes, "Saw
  this and thought of you."
http://snurl.com/presidentcock


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from 'Mock Green Britain Day'

  We're still waiting for the official winner to
  be judged by Ecotricity, but your favourites
  included:
 
  * MINCE - wind-farms can be brutal, dangerous
  places (mutated monty)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10093786

  * EDF - those cunning frog fellows have a
  devious plan (mr_cabbages)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10099157

  * MOUSEY - the oil is running out, but an army
  of rodent helpers are ready to pitch in  (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10094950

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/MockGreenBritainDay/

  ** STOP PRESS! WE HAVE AN OFFICIAL WINNER
  ANNOUNCEMENT! The MD of Ecotricity has awarded
  the prize to benito vasselini: **
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10093596  


  >> New challenge: Richard Littlejohn <<
  Fire up Photoshop and go to town on Daily 
  Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn in any 
  way you please. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/richardlittlejohn/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CASSETTE BOY PLAYING GLASTONBURY THIS WEEKEND
  - Mike writes, "We're on the Glade Stage on
  Sunday at 2pm, with our good friend DJ Rubbish.
  It's going to be our most ambitious (and
  therefore most sloppy and amateurish) show
  ever." If you're there then say hello from us.


  * SNOW LEOPARD CUB NAMED AFTER JESSIE/NINA -
  Jahled writes, "I showed Terry b3ta and our
  reaction to the dreadful news about Nina, and
  he confirmed one will be named in her memory."
  Nice tribute.
http://snurl.com/browsermeowser

  
  * SHED OF THE YEAR WINNERS ANNOUNCED -
  Hopefully the official b3ta shed (subject to
  planning permission) will be winning this next
  year.
http://snurl.com/shedupinyourface


  * MORE BAD BOOZE - Notmo writes, "While on the
  ships I work on, that have alcohol bans, we
  make home made wine. Bugger all the fancy
  contraptions and science. A bin, a tea towel, 2
  cartons of (any) fruit juice some sugar, boiling
  water a bit of yeast and a handful of raisins.
  Mix the lot together, stir it once a day. When
  the raisins float, drink. Test on the weakest
  member of the group." Please - can somebody
  test this?


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I'M WORKING - McClairey
  asks, "Hi - can some clever person, maybe the
  ones who made the Burkavision and Vuvuzela
  internet-changing thingies, please make a gizmo
  which makes any website I go on look like I'm
  doing work and not pissing about on the
  internet. Alt-tab is getting obvious around my
  boss, and I really need to research my
  holidays."

  * FLICKR QUIZ - tom.cunningham writes, "I've
  got a suggestion for a suggestion: an automatic
  photo quiz generator, using flickr tags. So you
  give it a set of tags (liverpool, glasgow, bath),
  & it generates a random quiz where you identify
  the photos. Seems too obvious but I can't find
  anyone who's already done it. (& might be
  better than rape sticks)"

  * FOREIGN COINS / VENDING MACHINES -
  jrsutherland81 asks, "What I'd like to see is a
  website that allows users to post their
  experience of using foreign coins successfully
  in vending machines. I have loads of loose
  change from other countries that I will
  probably never go back to, that could
  potentially be used to get me a packet of
  worcester sauce flavour french fries, but it's
  so hard to decide which ones to try and which
  to avoid. There must be a wealth of vending
  machine experience out there on B3TA, and it
  would be great to start consolidating it! I
  guess vending machine modernity is also a
  factor for consideration..."


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by josiowy, social
  hand grenade, codepo8, Manic, Peter Davison and
  carly291287. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Sickilols via kiv-93. Subjlolas via 
  Tribs. Top tip via The Archduke of South London.
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Amaze and astound your guests at your next
  house party... by filling up condoms with water
  and popping a goldfish or two inside. For added
  shizzle throw in a glowstick and use as night
  lights along pathways or badly lit stairwells.

-------------------------------------------------

  A keyring is a handy little gadget that allows
  you to lose all your keys at once. 

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