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NEWSLETTER: "AND THEN GOD CREATED SATURN... AND HE LIKED IT, SO HE PUT A RING ON IT. "

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This Week:
* CARTOON - Vagina Dentata
* VIDEO - James Bond's annoying calls
* QUESTION OF THE WEEK - Gingers, oh god

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Save 6 Music. Press 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  Ctrl S whilst listening 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      to the podcast."

B3ta email 417 - 26 Feb 2010

Learn the secrets to defeat Bowser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue417/

Civil Partnership: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Dissolved: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Vagina, Bond, Atari, Goatse, Goo

  >> Vagina Dentata Lion King Style <<
  "This is a video we me and my girl made,"
  explains drreverendfantastic, "for your
  delectation and deliberation." NSFW redub of
  the Lion King because it's about, you know,
  muffs with molars.
http://snurl.com/vaginadentata


  >> Casino Royale phone calls <<
  An exasperated Bond has to deal with incessant
  phone calls from M, wittering on about
  Shakespeare. Cute idea from Idiofy that's
  amazingly convincing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Casino_Royale_Phone_calls_mashup


  >> Atari 2600 cover art quiz <<
  Match the polished cover art to the rudimentary
  game graphics of the 1977 Atari 2600 console.
  "The fact it's quite easy shows what fine work
  the artists did," points out monkeon.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/boxart/


  >> GoatKCD <<
  "GoatKCD locates the last panel of [popular
  webcomic] XKCD strips and replaces them with...
  well, take a wild guess," blurts rufoa. If you
  guessed goatse, give yourself a lollipop.
  Weirdly, goatse works great as a punchline.
  BTW: linking to the 'SFW' version that just
  uses a line drawing of the legendary two-fisted
  display.
http://goatkcd.com/608/sfw


  >> Goo's Got Talent III <<
  Due to careless reading of the contract, Jonti
  gets paid in creme eggs for making these
  spectacular Cadbury's Easter animations. He now
  weighs 23 stone and has gone blind, but he's
  earned it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrTYDuOYzN4


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Flirting

  Last week we asked for your flirting tips. In
  amongst the fantasy porn, there's some lovely
  stuff. We wish "pixel_ficker" well on his date
  tonight:
http://b3ta.com/questions/flirting/

  * CHECK-IN - "Business trip to Cardiff, hotel
  check-in has a fit Aussie receptionist, "Would
  you like a newspaper in the morning sir?" "Yes
  please. I don't suppose you could get your
  hands on a 'Scotsman' could you?" "Oh I'd love
  to get my hands on a Scotsman sir!" "Perfect.
  What time do you finish?" "11 o'clock!" "I'll
  see you in the bar." My female colleague, stood
  just behind me, rolled her eyes and turned to
  the man behind her in the queue, muttering "I
  have to put up with this idiot for a living."
  (Reverend Fister)
     
  * CHECK-OUT - "In my local minimarket. I go
  over to the till. The bored-looking girl rings
  the items through and gets to the garlic
  sausage. A long, phallic chunk of garlicky
  goodness. She tries to ring it through. It
  doesn't work. She examines the barcode,
  realises it's scrunched up and proceeds to
  flatten it out with her hands. I watch, gulping
  down air as this bored teenager proceeded to
  wank off my sausage with dexterity and
  expertise. A sex ninja, performing the perfect
  hand-job. I just couldn't let it pass. "Now
  that's a lucky sausage." She gazed up at me,
  realising what it looked like, and, thankfully,
  let out a little laugh. "All part of the
  service," she said. In the most smutty way
  imaginable. I was hooked. For the next week I
  made a point of visiting every night on my way
  home. By the end of the week my fridge was
  stocked with a smorgasbord of phallic food
  items. She was only a kid, it was only a bit of
  harmless flirting, but it sort of passed the
  time. Until I went in to be greeted by Mr
  Shah's familiar, screwed up old face. Feeling a
  little disappointed, I said, "That girl you had
  in here last week. The things she said she'd do
  with a Peperami. Pwhhoooo!" Mr Shah finished
  packing my gear. "And that would be my
  daughter," said Mr Shah." (SpankyHanky)
     
  * CHECK PRESCRIPTION - "There's some daft
  person near me who's flirting with a tree! On
  my commute to work, I drive past a tree that
  somebody keeps buying cards and flowers for! I
  dunno what he/she sees in it - it's not even a
  particularly nice tree (it has a big, scorched
  chunk taken out of one side of it)" (Zak
  McFlimby)


  >> This Week's Question: Gingers <<
  What does the world have against Gingers? We
  ask this out of genuine confusion, not to hear
  a load of old ginger jokes, so skip over those.
  Talk to us here, flame-haired gods:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ginger/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Macabre kids' alphabet <<
  A charming A-Z of children meeting grisly
  fates. Classic, gothy illustration from Edward
  Gorey.
http://elizabethandjames.com/elizabeth/random/gorey.html


  >> Ages of social network users <<
  Interesting study showing who uses which social
  networking site. Handy, so that we can know
  where to hang out and feel young. And where to
  hunt for silver fox...
http://snurl.com/socialnetworkages


  >> Colour study <<
  Surprisingly interesting in-depth
  questionnaire, to help you to discover your
  favourite colour.
http://splash.clubdevo.com/colorstudy/


  >> Fake receipt generator <<
  Viral marketing for a restaurant that lets you
  fake up taxi rides, stationery shopping and the
  like so you can claim a luxury meal on company
  expenses. No way this could backfire at all. 
http://expenseasteak.com/


  >> Linkbait Generator <<
  The long-awaited public release of the magic
  engine that powers cracked.com. Need a catchy
  blog post title? Keep pressing the button and
  watch the ideas flow. 
http://linkbaitgenerator.com/index.php


  >> Candid photos of "celebrities" <<
  Paris bribing an inmate? Marilyn having a
  crafty wank? No, they're lookalikes but shh!
http://snurl.com/doubletake


  >> Fucking windows <<
  Spectacularly childish and the most-submitted
  link of the week. Took us ages to figure out
  what to actually do. 
http://www.fucking-windows.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Now available in 2d

  >> Avatar-obsessed weirdos <<
  There's two types of geek. Those who never
  leave the house and those who only leave the
  house dressed as their favourite characters
  from whatever nerd fiction is trending at the
  moment. This week is Avatar but the nerds are
  still nerds whatever decade it is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/avatar_obsessed_weirdos


  >> Golf Sale: The Movie <<
  Anyone who's walked down Oxford Street or
  visited our very own boards knows about the
  Golf Sale guys who stand there holding their
  lonely and mysterious signs all day and every
  day. What a great idea for a surprisingly heart
  warming short film.
http://snurl.com/golfsale


  >> Taiwan TV on Gordon Brown's "bullying" <<
  An inexplicable take on the Bullygate affair.
  Possibly they're just taking the piss.
http://snurl.com/bullybrown

... and instantly parodied by our very own
  Mutated Monty.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crouching_Gordon_Brown_Dragon

 
  >> David Cameron exposed <<
  A lovely bit of political mockery by Armando
  Iannucci. BTW: Reality TV pitch. "The Osbornes"
  This week George and Adam go, "RAH! RAH! RAH!
  Let's go and get some prostitutes and drugs.
  Top wheeze eh?"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Call_me_Dave_exposed


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: PUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Greatest name for a carpenter ever?

  And a reference to one of our favourite films
  of all time too.  
http://tweetphoto.com/12475650


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: CHATROULETTE 
  Fucking hell, it's got its own section
  
  The last couple of weeks everyone has gone
  mental for Chatroulette, if you haven't caught
  it yet, it's a video chatroom that assigns you
  random people to talk to. Invariably you sit
  there pressing next until you see someone
  attractive and then they press next and then
  you feel rejected. Also there's been loads of
  secondary content thrown up by the whole
  experience - here's the best:

  * A DAY IN THE CHATROULETE OFFICE. Amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/made_me_grin_like_the_rest_of_them

  * SCREENSHOTS FROM CHATROULETTE. Also amusing.
http://chatroulette.tumblr.com/

  * A SHORT FILM ABOUT CHATROULETTE. Insightful. 
http://vimeo.com/9669721

  BTW: Our own experiences include pointing it at
  our family preparing dinner. People seemed
  quite interested in this and didn't press next.
  Also, wearing a silly hat and singing songs
  worked better than just looking grumpy and old.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Sci-Fi Advertising 
  Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us what the
  stars of science fiction have sold to them
  through the medium of advertising

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PROSTITUTION - open a telephone box in any
  part of the universe, and you'll be faced with
  this (An Eagle in Your Mind)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9928536

  * ARNIE - not strictly following the challenge
  guidelines, but a brilliantly topical pun
  nonetheless (nicestnihilist)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9923437

  * TORY - even the most evil of sci-fi monsters
  have some limits, you know (Guy Incognito)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9925509

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scifiadvertising/


  >> New challenge: Dangerous Hospitals <<
  Imagine a world in which hospital was the last
  place you'd take a sick person: show us the
  terrifying surgical tools, the bad practice,
  and the scary staff
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hospitals/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPIDERMAN WILL MAKE YOU GAY MEGAMIX - 9 years
  ago your GInger Fuhrer wrote a throwaway song
  called "I'm not gay" and mixed it with an
  animated gif of Spiderman dancing about. Here
  he revisits it for a quick history lesson:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spiderman_will_make_you_gay_megamix


  * TRACKSWAP - "It's like Youtube Swap but for
  music," writes bobsworthindustries,"Since many
  people were submitting music videos with
  Youtube Swap (and I discovered a few new
  artists who I like), I made a version just for
  music, which uses songs from Grooveshark.
  Discover new music thanks to internet
  strangers!"
http://trackswap.bobsworthindustries.com/


  * WEEBL TATTOO - pleasing to know web idiots
  are still tattooing Jonti's memes for all
  eternity onto their precious flesh. We're just
  personally glad our Hamster Dance tats will
  never go out of fashion.
http://snurl.com/tastesjustlikeraisins


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Robot Unicorn Attack

  In what our own boarders are calling, "Probably
  the most lol-gay game in the world" comes your
  chance to live the unicorn dream. BTW: For a
  while we thought the music was Never Ending
  Story by Limahl but eventually we twigged is
  was Erasure.
http://snurl.com/unicornattack


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * NANOBOTS THAT FLOSS TEETH - our dentist is
  moaning that we don't floss enough and we're
  trying but it's really painful.

  * ALCOHOL TO BE INCLUDED IN YOUR FIVE-A-DAY -
  *shakes fist at nanny state*

  * SOCKS ON ELASTICATED STRING - like gloves
  used to be. Then we'd never lose them, although
  we might garrotte our testes.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Just Juan
  Cornetto, wuffle the space bunny, via
  injektilo, disco_doctor, NickHS, danielbevis,
  SetecAstronomy, Griffy Savalas, NickHS,
  @andertoons, @bonytoad, Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,
  Bobsworth, cr3, SickRik, azerty, irishstu,
  pissflaps. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Thom90. Sickipedia gag via
  Tinpotbob.
  
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  Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course,
  you dissolve it in water.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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