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This Week:
* CUTE - Sleepy things really are the best
* RUBBISH TOWNS - All your nominations in full
* CHALLENGE - Can you fake history?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         the Woolwich"

B3ta email 403 - 5 Nov 2009

Read on your Psion Series 3:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue403/

          Dinner:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        Toilet:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Are you a concentration genius?

  Multitaskers do it with both hands. Can you?
  Have a go at 
http://bit.ly/F6ELO


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
 10p a mile sound ok? We'll give you a badge.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Science, fluff and online stalking

  >> Love letters to Richard Dawkins <<
  Joel and Dawkers in a tree. K.I.S.S.I.N.G.
  Looking forward to what Veitch plans next.
  Bumsex with Ben Goldacre?
http://www.rathergood.com/science


   >> Fluffy time <<
  Arnon has made a good observation and best of
  all acted upon it, he writes, "Me and a mate
  decided that floofy animals are all well, but
  it's when they sleep that you actually go
  BAWWWWW... So we made this..."
http://www.naptiem.com


  >> Facebook stalker interview <<
  Michael Drake talking about how he trawls
  facebook to find out about his ex. Alarming.
  Produced by our very own BrokenToaster.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Another_Five_Minute_Interview

-------------------------------------------------
 
  Sickipedia comedy night is Tuesday - just a
  quick reminder. Linky goes to full details:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4072922604/

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Rubbish Towns

  Last week we asked you to help compile an A-Z
  of shite places to live:
http://b3ta.com/questions/rubbishtowns/

  Here's to:

  * Bolton, "Electricity is still seen as poncey"

  * Princes Risborough, "boasts a huge elderly 
   community that will do their utmost to ruin 
   your day - so why not visit? It's a great town"

  * Coventry, "We used to be one of the engineering
   and car industry capitals of the world... now
   we're lucky if we can find a petrol station
   that hasnít been ram-raided. Most of our former
   glorious manufacturing heritage has either been
   demolished or is currently on fire."
     
  * Savannah, "smells of rot and decay, partly
   the southern swamp atmosphere that you can get
   anywhere but mostly the pungent odour of buildings
   and people slowly decomposing."
     
  * Clacton-on-sea, "filled with the swaggering,
   unwashed East End wide-boy types who exist
   merely to transport gold sovereign rings from
   place to place."

  * Stoke, "where, in the 1990s, I once heard a
   shopkeeper complaining about decimal currency."
   and "SIX crap towns and trying to disguise 
   itself as a city."

  In fact, we thought it'd be great if someone
  compiled all 569 entries into a map to see if
  there was ANYWHERE left worth living and, lo
  and behold, NuffMuff's already done it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/rubbishtowns/post556010


  >> This week: Teenage crushes <<
  We'd like the teenage crushes that still make
  you go a bit wobbly. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenagecrushes/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Strange Maps <<
  To the uninitiated, maps appear to be
  uncontroversial things - they represent
  geography in symbolic form to help you navigate
  the world. Strange Maps collects together
  peculiar maps from the fringes of cartography.
  Our favourite was the hexagon design for London
  boroughs, but the whole site is full of win.
http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/


  >> YouTube crossfader <<
  Brilliant, brilliant idea. Take two YouTube
  videos and add a crossfader. We enjoyed
  ourselves immensely mixing up Kylie Minogue
  with Rammstein. Sounded like shit of course.
http://www.twoyoutubevideosandamotherfuckingcrossfader.com/


  >> What to call Lego bricks? <<
  Lovely idea for a little survey here - chat to
  some kids and find out what terms they invent
  to distinguish between different Lego bricks.
  Made us all nostalgic for a moment, and for the
  record we used to use terms like 'flat sixer'
  and 'blibby blob'.
http://snurl.com/legoithurts


  >> Bank robber notes blog <<
  Skating the thin line between banal and
  compelling. A collection of notes given to bank
  stuff during robberies. 
http://www.banknotes365.com/ 
  
  
  >> Rubik art <<
  Never occurred to us before but the Rubik's
  Cube is a 9 colour 3x3 pixel display unit and,
  if you bung a few of them together, you can make
  some pretty convincing pixel art.
http://snurl.com/pixellott


  >> Low poly head << 
  Eric Testroete describes how he built a large
  'low poly' version of his head for his
  Halloween costume. This would be a great visual
  gimmick for a sketch show that needed a load of
  celebrity masks.
http://testroete.com/index.php?location=head


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  I fucking love this stick!
  
  Wil writes - "Good Moaning, simply a random
  JPEG that made me giggle like a loon, maybe it
  will you too."
http://dontclickthis.whatingods.name/i-fucking-love-this-stick.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Because you haven't seem enough yet

  >> Surgical cameras and singing <<
  What happens if four people sing close part
  harmony and with cameras inside their throats?
  It's like Ridley Scott made an Alien Holiday
  Special. 
http://snurl.com/thisisabitgrim


  >> Indian Beatles <<
  Some cor blimey clip from a forgotten Bollywood
  film, where rather over-enthusiastic young
  Indian actors pretending to be the Beatles.
  Though the sheer enthusiasm and dickheadery is
  a little more Freddie and the Dreamers than the
  Fab Four. We're hoping Bollywood tackles Duran
  Duran next, or The Pet Shop Boys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5ky5ClIjL8


  >> How to make bacon soap <<
  Sent in by carly291287 who informs us that this
  link is "for Joel." We certainly can't wait for
  young Veitch to cook up some bacon soap to
  scrub down his man-flesh. He already cleans his
  teeth with the paste squeezed from sausages.
http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Make-Bacon-Soap/


  >> Simon Cowell on shitty 80s gameshow <<
  Simon Cowell's TV debut included here for WTF
  value. Quite what he was doing as a contestant
  on crap UK gameshow Sale of The Century is
  anyone's guess. Our personal theory is that he
  was learning how the TV industry worked from
  the inside in a cunning Machiavellian plot to
  bend it to his will. Or possibly he just
  thought his mum would watch it. Still, he's as
  cool as a cucumber dealing with the host -
  Cowell is completely unflappable even as a
  young man. Sinister really.
http://snurl.com/youngcowell


  >> Ferret Dance extended mix <<
  Take one bouncy cover of Weezer's Buddy Holly -
  add some cartoon ferrets and sync with some of
  the best timed animation of recent years and
  you have internet gold.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ferret_Dance_Extended_Mix


  >> Baby Cthulhu - cute cartoon <<
  Join us, won't you, as we join Cthulhu and all
  his playtime pals in the magical world of
  R'lyeh. Hooray! BTW: 'HP love craft' would be a
  great but slightly misguided campaign for HP
  printers and creativity. You can have that one
  for free, advertising people.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wake_up_Lil_Cthulhu_its_time_to_play


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Hooray, it's comedy cut'n'paste lols time

  * RACIST BREAKFAST CEREAL - you'd have thought
  someone would have said something before going
  to all the trouble of actually going to market
  with this?  Unless, we suppose, they don't
  actually give a shit and this really IS racist
  breakfast cereal.
http://www.whitesoats.co.uk/onlyoats.html

  * BIG CUNTY WRITING - lardpig writes, "Hello
  dear boys. I went on a holiday to Brussels
  recently and noticed this. Sadly, my girlfriend
  forbade me from taking an amusing snap myself
  but thankfully Google Images provided me with
  one."
http://snurl.com/typography101

  * CUNDICK TRANSPORT - Concurrency writes, "It's
  a van I saw in Bath earlier today.  It's for
  real. Yes it's only a little bit rude, but nearly
  oh so much moreso."
http://snurl.com/hehewelaughed


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: ASK B3TA
  Like Ask Jeeves but without the butler

  Last week we asked why we couldn't buy pig milk
  - or 'pilk' as it's referred to in TV show Look
  Around You. You, of course, replied in your
  porky droves.
  
  * YUCK - "My Dad used to work for an
  agricultural suppliers in the 70s. As well as
  things such as 10 gallon drums of ketamine and
  giant blocks of hash smuggled in from abroad,
  they supplied powdered pig milk. He told me
  that once, they ran out of regular milk in the
  office, so made up some pig-milk to use
  instead. He said the high iron and fat content
  made it taste like blood with double cream."
  (XP)
  
  * FROM A FARMER - Kaol writes, "I've wondered
  about this before, so I took it upon myself to
  ask a pig farmer. It turns out there are three
  reasons:

  "1) Pigs are wormy fuckers, which is why you
  shouldn't eat raw pork-meats, however tempting
  this is. The pigmilk has worm eggs in it, which
  would grow inside you and possibly burst out,
  like a horde of furious alien tendrils.
  Possibly.

  "2) Lady-pigs are angry, angry monsters that
  are stronger than a small-ish giant. If you
  tried to milk one, it could well break you into
  pieces, eat you, and transform your body into
  that delicious pig-milk that you so greatly
  desired.

  3) It's horrible. He wouldn't say any more than
  that."

  * PIG TITS - also Kev writes, "Hands, knees and
  any other extremities can disappear in a flash.
  It's a big mouth with a lot of teeth and very
  angry. Never mind what the piglets are are
  doing to your ankles. Plus there are typically
  12 teats to go at. That keeps you busy." More
  fully explained here:
http://jalanjalan.com/letters/pages%20and%20menus/industry.html


  * FISH AND CHIPS - this week Cowjam asks, "I
  need help. Could your readers please tell me
  whether it's best to hug my fish supper on the
  way back from the chippy, because I'm warmer
  than air, or to leave it dangling in the bag
  because the air is thinner than me and so won't
  transfer as much heat away? If I know which
  method will keep my munch warmer I won't have
  to use the microwave and global warming
  bollocks, etc."


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: GROW A MOUSTACHE FOR CANCER RESEARCH
  And the ladies will love you forever
  
  Bizarre facial furniture is becoming annoyingly
  popular with young people at the moment,
  especially in Hoxton. We hope they all get lice
  in their whiskers. All except the Ginger
  Fuhrer's cousin Jack Badger who's growing his
  for charity rather than for fashion.
http://uk.movember.com/mospace/164805

  Other B3tans who are going for it include Joe
  Scaramanga, Wildyles, Mr sausage and God Save
  The Queen.

  Also of note is this rather fabulous collection
  furry princes in The Times. 
http://snurl.com/ladiescontrolyourselves


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Royal Mail Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to provide alternatives
  to the Royal Mail.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * 39P - a nice reminder for anyone who doesn't
  get why this nation's mail system might just be
  worth protecting (zeltergiset)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9773003

  * AXE - the postman's at the door, and he's
  looking more than a little psychotic (fegg)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9770643

  * RYANPOST - this would be funny if it wasn't
  such an awful inevitability (zeltergiset)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9769727

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/royalmail/


  >> New challenge: Fake History <<
  Everyone knows that the moon landing was faked,
  but what if other things were? The ascent of
  Everest? Germany's invasion of Poland? Show us
  how famous historical events were faked.
  Challenge suggested by Big Ian.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakehistory/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WRONG TONES - following up the gag last week
  about spelling fuck in Morse code comes Wurzel
  who writes, "I made this, and think it will
  appeal to b3tans. It's a mobile ringtone that
  says 'cuntflaps' in Morse code. Cheers.'
http://www.kaled.org.uk/morse_flaps.mp3

  * NICE WRITE-UP - paxvobiscum says, "As a long
  time member I managed to get B3TA into the
  weekly Top 10 list to spread the good word to
  our American chums. I'd advise looking at it
  sooner rather than later before the sub-editor
  gets his joyless paws onto it."
http://www.v3.co.uk/v3/news/2247896/top-workplace-wasters?page=2

  * TWITTER ANTIPATHY RUMBLES ON - Ysol writes,
  "I don't get the appeal of Twitter; you might
  as well have Big Ben going BONG every hour for
  all the good it does...." And so he's made
  exactly that and there's over 6,000 people
  following it already. 
http://twitter.com/big_ben_clock


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Tetris stickman
  
  Neat little game remix idea - you play a ninja
  who has to avoid the falling Tetris blocks. 
http://www.playtetrisgames.org/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * B3TARD SPANX CHALLENGE - Official b3ta wife
  Lucy wants to you lot to see how many pairs of
  spanx you can squeeze on at the same time. And
  where does all the fat go? Into your neck?
  (Thanks Lucy for helping us here.)

  * UNIQUE CHILD NAME THINGIE - thelimopit asks,
  "everyone has high hopes for their spawn, but
  googling most people's names gives you a slew
  of unrelated and inconsequential results. And,
  usually, tits. Someone should make a system
  whereby you can input your surname and find the
  least common first name for that particular
  surname. Hey presto, instant unique name
  generator." Also could be extended to see if
  the URL / Twitter name is available.

  * THE INFINITE CHAV PROJECT - jeffrey44 has
  spotted this photo in The Sun and made the
  connection with The Infinite Cat Project. We're
  wondering if we have any lower class readers
  that might like to help out. 
http://snurl.com/wepreferkittens

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the wub, cr3,
  moonmouse, perkusfux, funky2009, Mongrel,
  the_log_knows, Stuzo. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via tricyclic_looper.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  I don't think my goldfish appreciates his
  castle. Ungrateful little shit.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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