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NEWSLETTER: "JEFFREY DAHMER JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT A BABOON MIGHT TASTE LIKE."

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This Week:
* PHOTOS - Angry people in local newspapers
* QUESTION - Your HORRID fetishes
* ANNOUCING - Sickipedia comedy night

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're sleeping with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     your mum... together"

B3ta "email" 402 - 30 Oct 2009

Read this issue twice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue402/

       Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Dom:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Authoritative book on the Columbine massacre
  
  As nobody has bought a sponsored link this week
  we'll use the slot to big up some recent
  reading matter at B3ta towers: Dave Cullen's
  brilliant, insightful book on one of the most
  dreadful and fascinating shootings of recent
  times. If grim, murder non-fiction is your thing
  - then get clicky because this is the
  motherlode:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1906964149/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lots of things and stuff

  >> Angry people in local newspapers <<
  Scaryduck has been collecting together photos
  of this old newspaper trope - he writes, "I've
  only been doing it for two-and-a-half days, it's
  had over 4,000 views and people won't stop
  sending me stuff. I only did it as a laugh. Now
  I've got Google News alerts set up for 'dog
  mess'."
http://apiln.blogspot.com/

  
  >> Sickipedia comedy night <<
  Against our better judgement we're trying out a
  Sickipedia comedy night. We've got 12 or so gag
  writers from the site and we're sticking them
  up on stage. It's on the 10th of Nov, in
  Shoreditch, London. Come.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/4072922604/


   >> The I-Say Team <<
  Drbroon writes, "Hello, as a result of the
  lovely response my gif got last week, I decided
  to make it into a video. Thanks very much
  everyone, I really appreciate it." He he -
  funny this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_I_Say_Team


  >> Fake police spotter cards <<
  "I was massively disappointed not to have made
  it onto the police troublemaker spotter card,"
  writes alixandalex, "And despite all my
  attempts at being a 'domestic extremist'. So my
  mate Stuart made me this. It's awesome."
http://policetroublemaker.appspot.com/


  >> Joel on Beef <<
  Veitch has traded in his pork obsession for
  beef. "It's important to have a wide variety of
  interests to ensure that I am a well-rounded
  human being," he growls.
http://www.rathergood.com/beef


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Your little fetishes

  We asked for the things that float your boat:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fetishes/


  * FISH - "A couple of months back my sister
   and I decided to give dear old Nan a visit,
   because we're nice like that, for a cup of tea
   and a natter. Usual Nan stuff. After going
   through the usual inanities of her filling us
   in with what every other member of the family
   is up to and so on, we somehow ended up on the
   subject of The War (WW2, that is), and the
   whole American 'we came over and saved your
   asses' sort of view, to which I made a
   throwaway comment along the lines of, 'well,
   all them American squaddies did was come here
   and "see to" the wives of fellas who were off
   in Europe." I expected to be told not to be
   so silly, but then my Nan replied, 'Oh yes,
   a lot of women sold their bodies to get a bit
   of extra money'. Oh yes, Nan? 'Yes, in fact my
   friend Helen's mum used to do it!' ...right...
   'But no one held it against her, it was sort
   of a done thing back then.' Fair enough, I
   think, also presuming she'd leave it and start
   back on about my aunt's flu or something.
   But no. 'I remember me and me sister June went
   to Helen's one day but no-one answered the
   door, so we went round and looked in through
   the window, and there was Helen's mum, up on
   the table, dancing around completely naked,
   and these two Americans...' She paused for a
   chuckle, my sister and I look at each other
   nervously, '...they were running around the
   table, slapping her on the bum with dead fish!'
   Bloody American squaddies, coming over here
   and hitting our housewives with fish." (scoob666)
     
  * DROP PANTIES; INSERT KNOB; - "My wife loves
   it when I talk dirty to her in German. Now I
   find this a bit odd; my native language is
   hardly the language of love. Once, though,
   instead of talking dirty I explained how to
   do a database restore in SQL. It seems just
   the tone of voice and German will do it for
   her. Ah bless!" (zebby)
     
  * ANAL - After raiding a flatmate's DVD stash
   we figured he had a fetish for women fucking
   each other in the arse. Turned out "Anal
   Lesbians 6" was actually three hours of a
   couple of women going through their fridge
   and sorting the contents in alphabetical order."
   (DarkLite)

  * THE GREAT QOTW FAIL ARCHIVE - We're amused
  that boarder Amorous Banshee is collecting the
  worst QOTW answers all in one place. The
  naughty fellow.
http://b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=10973


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Live in a crap town? Yep, this week we're doing
  "crap towns" but so that it's not confused with
  the The Idler's Crap Town's we're instead doing
  it as B3ta's Rubbish Towns. A win for us, we
  think.
http://b3ta.com/questions/rubbishtowns/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> We *heart* TV Tropes <<
  Instead of working this week we've mostly been
  reading TV Tropes - a fantastic collection of
  cliches found in entertainment products.
  Remember the stuff in Star Trek how the guy in
  the red shirt always dies? That's only the
  start - linky goes to the opposite of "jumping
  the shark", the definitive point where a show
  makes a turn for the better.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GrowingTheBeard


   >> Writing to the Ritz... <<
  This chappy wrote to the Ritz Hotel with a
  scone-based dilemma. They were very helpful.
http://snurl.com/scones


  >> 4x4 Mobility scooter <<
  Since we noticed our local Argos flogging
  mobility scooters for about £999, a little
  misanthropic game we like to play is guessing
  whether the users we see on the street really
  need them. Anyway, for those who've given up
  walking but still wish to cause trouble off
  road we give you:
http://www.kemcare.co.nz/


  >> Vulva necklaces <<
  "Hey ladies!" writes niteone, "Want the hot guy
  at the end of the bar to see what he's in for
  at the end of the night? Have one of these
  made!" Apparently they're some kind of female
  self-empowerment thing, and not an ideal gift
  for the creepy serial killer in your life.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32333269
  

  >> Black and white WTF <<
  Funny photos from yesteryear to prove that lols
  didn't start in 2005. BTW: The stained mattress
  one kinda worries us. Did someone die?
http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/


  >> The 'Electronic Waste' in Guinya <<
  You know that crap old router you stuck in the
  recycle bin - have you ever thought about what
  happens next? Maybe we won't be buying anymore
  crap from Amazon for a few weeks then.
http://acidcow.com/pics/4987-e-waste-in-guinya-15-pics.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Poor picture quality? Adjust your tracking

  >> Nick Knowles sings... <<
  TV presenter Nick Knowles (no relation to
  Beyonce) is best known for looking a bit rugged
  and presenting home renovation series DIY SOS.
  He's now turned his talents to singing. He's
  shit at it - gruesomely emoting in a grizzly
  bear being anally raped kinda way - and that's
  why we're bothering to link to it. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2QVQYm5JVA


  >> Amazing Discovery II <<
  Remember the chubby nerd guy blowing bubbles
  the other week? He's back and this time he's
  got a new trick - making till receipts drop
  down like party streamers. Wonder if he'll
  manage a third?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T67AewxhBaQ


  >> Old McDonald had a farm <<
  An Arabic-style version of the children's song
  about a farmer and all the various animals he
  keeps on his farm. Made us smile at least.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53UtdPx17xk


  >> YouTube impressions <<
  Lady impersonates various youtube hits
  including the coke/mentos people and that crap
  pop group on treadmills. Funny and actually
  we're rather relieved she doesn't attempt a
  goaste.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/YouTube_Hits_by_Judit_Judit


  >> Glade airfreshener lols <<
  Those of you who bother to watch TV might have
  caught the recent "I'm going to do a poo at
  Paul's house" advert you can't help but read the
  subtext like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj3dh9i4zLs


  >> NSFW pterodactyl porn corner <<
  Francis Roberts writes,  "I don't know if porn
  is fair game for the boards, but this is so
  much more comedy than porn that I felt I had to
  email it to you all the same. My friend sent me
  this the other day and I have been laughing at
  the image burned into my head ever since."
http://lolpornonline.com/post/26261101/pterodactyl-porn


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  It's the naughty step of shit gags
  
  * PHALLIC LOGO - cunning Italian sofa
  manufacturers trying to make their home
  furnishing range attractive to penis
  enthusiasts. (indresr)
http://www.famega.lt 


  * THE SUNDAY TELELAUGH - benc_ writes, "On the
  face of it - a typical, boring news story. Read
  it more carefully and take joy that they
  interviewed someone from MG Rover called
  Maurice Minor."
http://snurl.com/carlols


  * SHEMALE LEGO? - grizzly_bungle writes, "I was
  (quite innocently I might add) trawling through
  the internet and came across this useful site
  for all your cross-dressing tradesman needs."
http://www.trannybuilder.com


  * EVERYBODY'S DRIVING THOSE....
http://www.Kinki-Truck.co.jp   


  * BREAST LOGOS - "The design is making Staffs
  Uni look like complete tits." (carly291287)
http://www.staffs.ac.uk/


  * AND FINALLY, AN ACTUAL FUNNY NAME - Punkygirl
  writes, "I've had to endure the reproachful
  glare of my boss all morning whilst childishly
  snickering behind my hand about this, in an
  otherwise completely silent office. Thought I'd
  share."
http://www.gold.ac.uk/computing/staff/i-pu/


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: CORPRORATE HATE NAMES
  Last week of this, we're a bit bored of it
  
  Vodamoan - Vodafone
  Cable and Useless - Cable and Wireless
  Pizza Slut - Pizza Hut
  Painsbury's - Sainsbury's
  Cockstretcher - Poundstretcher
  The Carphone Whorehouse - "I heard this one
  from someone who worked at The Link"
  
  Thanks to therealwtf, pnash69 & paul@beard.


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: ASK B3TA 
  Nice vagina synonyms

  Last week we asked for 'nice words for vagina'
  and you replied in your droves.

  * CHUCK NORRIS - "Having witnessing child birth
  and all of the horror of seeing the stretching,
  pain, cut and stitching of my lady's Foof (my
  pet name) I am now only ever going to refer to
  her front bottom as 'Chuck Norris' for being so
  bloomin' tough." (sauronwibble)
  
  * DEREK - "My sister calls hers Derek. And I
  once heard a friend refer to hers as her
  'Cavernous Fufu'." (pnash69)
  
  * LADY GARDEN - "My wife calls her twat her
  "ladygarden". It is of course trimmed every
  few weeks - more in the summer." (rosswelford)

  
  WE'RE NOW ASKING ABOUT PIG MILK - Lizard
  writes, "I drinks cows' milk in my tea, I often
  have goaty or sheepy cheese, but where is pig
  milk in our nation's diet? I'd have thought
  porky milk would go down a treat with all the
  bacon lovers out there." 
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
  

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Corporate Logo Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to redesign corporate
  logos so that they told the truth, canvas
  prints from CanvasRus are going to the highest
  voted entries, all except DrBroon who writes,
  "I don't think I really want a 36" vagina
  vector on canvas."

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PORSCHE - it's funny because it's true:
  replace the dancing horse with a tiny phallus,
  and Bob's your uncle  (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9758175

  * ROYAL MAIL - if honesty is truly the best
  policy, the postal service should adopt this
  right away (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9757209

  * SYMANTEC - everyone's favourite provider of
  computer bloat gets a makeover (collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9758469

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporatelogos/


  >> New challenge: The Royal Mail <<
  As the postal strikes bring the country 
  to its knees, it's obvious we need new 
  ways to deliver the mail. Show us what 
  they are. The nation will thank you.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/royalmail/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GUESSEZ LE MUFF - ptwjvpguqhd writes, "I
  discovered this. In short, it's a French version
  of Guess Her Muff. Highly highly NSFW."
http://devine.erog.fr/

  *  SNIFFER DOGS APP - PC 9854 Johnson of the
  Met Police Dog Section writes, "Rather than
  going to the bother of writing a new iPhone app
  just furnish us with your whereabouts when
  you'd least like a sniffer (search) dog to find
  you and we'll avoid you."


  * LEGO AUTO-SUGGESTOR - last week Poobar asked
  for this and pjfoliver replies, "What Poobar is
  looking for is PEERON.com. They have full
  inventories of every Lego set in existence, and
  instruction booklet scans of everything up to 3
  years ago. He can list the sets he's purchased,
  as well as any loose parts he has, then pick a
  set number and choose 'Build from My Parts.' It
  will compare inventories and say which parts he
  has exactly, which he has in a different color,
  and which ones he needs."


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Evacuation
  
  A fun little puzzle game based on the science
  fiction staple: suck the alien out of the
  airlock while keeping your guys inside.
  Basically, Alien the 8-bit puzzle game.
http://www.foddy.net/Evacuation.html


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: "STAR" IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TROPESTUBE - a sister website to TV Tropes
  with fan edits of all the stuff discussed.

  * WEEING WHILST JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE - might
  make a funny video in a windmill piss kind of
  way. (We're stuck for ideas, we're looking out
  the window, there's a trampoline and we need a
  piss.)

  * INTERVIEW WITH A MILKMAN - still got a
  milkman in your area? Leave him notes and a
  biro - see if you can get him to answer
  questions.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by neilnimmo,
  funky2009, @ToastMaster, mubarak.adam,
  B3taByter, Colan, @DanCall, via Darklord.
  Friday game via nellylemon. Top Tippery by
  Vipros. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sickipedialols via furiousg. Subjlols via
  monkeon, BTW: gphunky asks, "In the newsletter,
  can you make the subjlols credit link to the
  subject line suggestions thread? I'm too lazy
  to look for it myself but I've seen previous
  ones on occasion and they're always full of
  topical laughs. Cheers." Ok, just this once,
  use our tits as your lunch.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9771881

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Tip for breast men: when shopping in the
  supermarket, miss out the first aisle so as to
  be going against the flow. Arse men should
  follow the usual route.

-------------------------------------------------

  If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime tv,
  I'm going to say: Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!!
  Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!! Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt,
  fuck!! Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!! That way, when
  they beep it out, it'll spell 'fuck' in morse
  code.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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