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NEWSLETTER: "WHY IS THERE A MAN IN THE BOTTOM CORNER OF MY TV PLAYING CHARADES?"

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This Week:
* VID - Man vs GPS
* DATING - What not to say online
* WET OWLS - Well, just one

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're drinking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      Koolaid... together"

B3ta electro-telegraph 396 - 18 Sept 2009

Read this issue in a slightly different font:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue396/

          Pete:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Katie:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  other than wanking in public toilets

  >> GPS Problems <<
  Sheep manfully struggles on through the
  vicissitudes of modern gadgetry. His snazzy
  mobile phone is giving him gyp.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GPS


  >> Then and Now - photos of my town <<
 "Here are some 'rephotographs' of Lodz, Poland
 I've taken recently," beams disconnected. "Just
 roll your mouse over the old pictures (taken
 between 1850-1970 not by me) to see the current
 state." Fascinating stuff.
http://refotografie.blogspot.com/


  >> Boogie maths <<
  Public-spirited Cyriak has made what he
  describes as "an educational cartoon for kids
  which explains mathematics through the medium
  of dance." Don't try this at home.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/boogie_maths


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Helicopter Parents

  Last week we asked for your stories of
  helicopter parenting. There's some insanely
  cosseted kiddies in this lot, starting with a
  jaw-dropping tale from Monkey the Chicken whose
  twist you really won't see coming:
http://b3ta.com/questions/helicopterparents/

  * PARENTING AUCTION - "Induction day at my
  son's primary school. Parents listen to the
  class teacher explain a few things about what
  they will be doing, sign certain forms, learn
  what we need to send them to school with etc
  etc. The whole meeting is going well until the
  teacher asks "Any other questions?" caused a
  bidding war: Mum1, "What do we do about
  medicine?", Mum2 "Yes my girl has to take 5
  different vitamins a day and will only take
  them from me." Mum3: "What if they injure
  themselves?", but is cut off by Mum1: "My son
  can only eat if you sing to him." Mum2: "Mine
  is allergic to milk or anything that looks like
  it." Then, Mum4: "Ah I didnít like to mention
  it here but I have to cut my son's dinner up
  for him and he still breastfeeds so I will need
  to arrange to come in twice a day." ... ... Me:
  "Jesus Christ" Turns out that the breastfeeding
  had to stop when the kid started biting. She
  still goes to school at set intervals each day
  to cut up his dinner and to bottlefeed him with
  breastmilk though. He's 8 in October." (mon
  bison)
     
  * KAMLESH, SUPERSTUD - "In the Student Union
  talking the usual utter girl-related shit. I'm
  explaining how its possible for a girl to have
  an inny and an outy nipple, one of each, and
  that the girl I copped off with the previous
  night was sporting this weird chestacular
  manifestation. One of my housemates, Kamlesh,
  pipes up: "Bollocks! No woman's got an inny and
  an outy! I'm a fucking superstud and I know
  that's not fucking possible!" We gazed at him.
  It was a drink-stopping moment. Time almost
  stood still. Kamlesh was about eight stone,
  built like a stringy streak of piss, and had
  the worst mullet and prebubescent 'tash
  combination you'd ever see in your life. He
  looked like an emaciated Asian hillbilly.
  "You're a superstud?" asked one of my other
  housemates incredulously. "Yeah!" said Kamlesh.
  And then he did it. Then it came. The line. The
  sweet line. And Kamlesh's university life would
  never be the same again. It was like throwing
  raw meat to a pack of rabid lions. "I am a
  fuckin' superstud... my mum says so!!!"
  (SpankyHanky)
     
  * POTTER MOUTH -"So, I was in town, shopping.
  This being Cambridge, there were a fair number
  of delightful little Ruperts and Tarquins
  fopping about elegantly with their doting
  middle-class parents yapping at their heels. I
  happened to be following a Mother and her
  rather bored looking son. The mother was going
  through a long list of the things they had to
  do that day, ".. and we've got to get you some
  new school shoes, and then you need some new
  pens, and then we're going to tea at...". She
  also seemed to be doing the
  'lick-a-tissue-and-thrust-it-in-the-face
  -of-your-offspring' thing. In the midst of this
  whirlwind of fussiness, the little trooper of a
  kid turns to her, raises his hand to her face
  resignedly, and sighs, "Expelliarmus, Mummy."
  Solid gold." (Serotonicity)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the most childish thing you've done as
  an adult? As if writing a weekly newsletter
  full of poo and wee jokes qualifies us to ask:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childishthings/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Internet dating: what to say <<
  Fascinating look into what does and doesn't get
  a good response from folk you're trying to chat
  up on t'internet. Although netspeak is the
  sperm of the devil, people like 'lol' and
  'haha'. 'Hehe' is less popular.
  "Scientifically, this is because itís a little
  evil sounding."
http://snurl.com/datefunlols


  >> H from Steps, dead <<
  First Jacko and now this! Why are the good
  always taken from us so young?
http://www.unionversity.com/?p=560


  >> Freaky face-mashing app <<
  Extraordinary misuse of humankind's ingenuity -
  upload a pic and this site will create a
  fully-animated version of your face. Then you
  can muck about with funny moustachios.
http://labs.mppark.jp/hige/


  >> How many people are in space? <<
  If you've ever been kept awake by that
  question, then this site will lull you back to
  a soothing, restful sleep.
http://www.howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com/


  >> Add Kanye to your site <<
  At your command, professional silly-arse K.
  West can make an appearance on a website of
  your choosing. Click this quick before the
  meme's completely flogged to death!
http://kanyelicio.us/http://b3ta.com/


  >> Awesome Music-Sequencer! <<
  Online DIY musical composer thing that
  resembles a Tenorion. Even the vestigial
  fingers of newsletter troll Dave were able to
  produce a listenable result with pleasingly
  little effort.
http://www.inudge.net/index.en.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Wet Owl

  Poor, woebegone Mr Wol had to be fished out of a
  swimming pool. Look at his sad little face!
http://snurl.com/wetandflappy


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It'll never catch on you know

  >> Farmyard noises boy <<
  Uncannily accurate animal impressions from an
  enigmatic youngster. He's undeniably got talent,
  of a sort.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1uQo7qpRNw


  >> Birds on wire music <<
  Here's a charming conceit; Chap stumbles on a
  picture of birds perched on electrical wires,
  makes a little tune using the location of their
  bodies as notes. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Birds_on_Wire


  >> 80s dating videos <<
  Brace yourself, ladies. Here's a veritable
  smorgasbord of pleasingly vintage lonely
  hearts. Some absolute gems here. Can it be that
  this is real?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dating_videos_from_the_80s


  >> The Christian gene <<
  Gay scientists have worked night and day to
  isolate the gene that causes people to be born
  Christian. Thank goodness - it's not a
  lifestyle choice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCzbNkyXO50


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Oh please stop it before we kill ourselves

  * WAYNE KOFF - "I decided to look on the IAVI
  website to see if I could find Wayne Koff
  mentioned. Lo and behold, there's a photo of
  him. I think his image lives up to his name
  admirably!" (tim.conway)
http://www.iavi.org/about-IAVI/smt/Pages/executive-team.aspx


  * WHAT DO YOU CALL A PAEDOPHILE WITH A LISP?
  "Amusing name for a company! Especially an
  advertising company!" (mysticegg)
http://www.pheedo.com/


  * FUNNY GUARDIAN CORNER - "Ads targeted to
  in-page keywords are always fun - especially
  when a new Fritzl appears and the article about
  a father raping his child for 30 years shows
  an ad of a child holding a sign saying 'I love
  my daddy' ...It is for the NSPCC though. So
  THAT'S OKAY, okay?" (mattcoxonline)
http://files.myopera.com/coxy/files/guardian-fritzl2-ad.jpg

 
  * HITLER CAKES - in what can only be the answer
  to the conundrum 'what do you call a Jewish
  baker', Corington has spotted some Adolf Buns
  in Hornsey.
http://snurl.com/nazicupcakes


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: HIDDEN SWEARS
  
  Last week we asked you to find words like
  sCUNThorpe, wrisTWATch and cuCUMber.
  
  You replied with, bruSHITE, anTIThesis,
  wHOEver, lamPOOn, reBUTTal, extraVAGance,
  leaFAGe, mANUScript, enCLITic, retoMINGEnt,
  unMUFFle, cuTWATer, insPISSate, unreheARSEd,
  and of course Hilary sWANK.

  Thanks to thereishopeforus, flatfrog and
  bigshape. You bunch of mANUScripts.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE

  Results from the Video Game Celebrities
  Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to put 
  celebrities at the centre of video games

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HUGH - House doctor makes unexpected
  appearance as Half-Life hero (Redbull_(UK))
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9686679

  * JORDAN - pneumatically spectacular "star"
  features in doomed shoot-em-up sex romp
  (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9688122

  * RICK - unfortunate Def Leppard drummer cashes
  in on Rock Band craze with unique edition (The
  Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9686241

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/productplacement/


  >> New: Inappropriate TV Product Placement <<
  It was announced this week that product
  placement will be allowed on commercial
  television in the UK. What product would you
  put on what programme to get massive LOLs?
  Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/productplacement/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KEITH FLOYD OBIT - your Ginger Fuhrer did the
  titles on the recent C4 doco and then half
  convinced himself that he personally killed
  Keith via the shock of some slightly piss-takey
  gfx. Still, it's a fantastic show if you ignore
  Rob's bits:
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/keith-meets-keith/4od


  * CYRIAK IN THE DAILY MAIL - last week Cyriak
  made a video debunking Derren Brown's lottery
  trickery, we missed linking to it as we thought
  all the fuss had died down by last Friday. But
  no, it rumbles on and Cyriak went on to get his
  face all over The Daily Mail. We're sure his
  mum is very proud.
http://snurl.com/hisrealnameisdarrenyouknow


  * B3TAN PUNKS ONLINE POLL - Legless started a
  little idea that did the rounds, encouraging
  people to vote for Casey, a young cancer
  sufferer to win an online competition by
  knickers manufacturer Victoria's Secret. Looks
  like she's won. Huzzah for that!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/362461
http://www.bodybyvictoria.com/#/Gallery/Page/1/Popularity

  
  * HOMAGE IN FROMAGE - previously we've brought
  you Hitler in cheese, and now here's someone
  else just as loved in Germany - thanks
  Lesley Sloss.
http://snurl.com/briewatch


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Philip_newzealand,
  waz4444, @jearle, Linkin_Parker, mattcoxonline,
  fantomex and waz4444. Top Tippery by Quiver.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Sickipedia jokes CTRL C+V via nitrokausion,
  hotshot1992.

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  TOP TIP:

  Spitting on the toilet paper before wiping your
  bottom helps immeasurably.


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  My favourite sexual position is the JFK. I
  splatter all over her while she screams and
  tries to get out of the car.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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