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NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT"

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This Week:
* VEITCH - sings 'Bagger 288'
* QUESTION - are you turning into your parents?
* CHALLENGE - Happy Birthday David Icke

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're sifting the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       poos... together"

B3ta electronic e-mail 376 - 1 May 2009

Scoff this issue with cake:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue376/

         Hugs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Loneliness:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  State of Play DVD - £3.98

  At this very moment, cinemagoers are being
  wowed by Russell Crowe in State of Play, but we
  prefer the original BBC series on which it was
  based. It's dirt cheap too - less than £4 - and
  well worth it if you've already ground your way
  through the 60hrs of The Wire.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0007ZD6YK/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Romania, Robots, Scooby Doo & Gravy

  >> Romanian compilation album harvest <<
  Paint My Album takes us on a documentary journey
  to the stony fields of Romania, where poor
  peasant farmers pray for the rains and for a
  bountiful crop of Now That's What I Call Music. 
http://snurl.com/romanianow  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Bagger 288 <<
  At 13,500 tons, the Bagger 288 is the world's
  most massive tracked vehicle. It's a titanic,
  spiky, metal behemoth of doom and Joel loves it
  very much. 
http://www.rathergood.com/bagger288


  >> New Scooby Doo theme <<
  Friz has written a new theme tune for Scooby
  Doo, undeterred by the fact they already have
  one. His enthusiasm is infectious.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Scooby_Doo:2


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Public Sex

  We wanted your outdoor fumblings and squelchy
  bits. Chart Cat "came" first with a worrying
  tale of squirting all over a cinema full of
  kiddies:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publicsex/

  Here are three classy shorties for you:

  * TAKE CONDOMS - "After a particularly heavy
  night out, my drunken staggering home took me
  through a small park. Having trouble putting 
  one foot in front of the other I decided to
  stop on a park bench and have a smoke. After
  lighting up I become aware of some rustling in
  the bushes behind me followed by some giggling
  and snorting. After a short pause there was a
  loud, "Fook, I don't have any rubbers wif me."
  "No bother," came the giggly reply, "I'm already
  pregnant. But don't worry, it's not yours."
  (The Grammar Badger)
     
  * TAKE WIPES - "To be honest, I hate outdoors
  sex. It's always rushed, scary, cold, uncomfortable
  and there are never any tissues for post coital
  clean-up. There's nothing quite like the sight
  of your girlfriend squatting in the bushes
  ineffectively wiping her twat with an ATM receipt
  to put you off sex for life."
  (Colonel Dracula)

  * TAKE CARE - "Thirteen year old boys! When
  riding your bike alone through the woods and
  you get an unexpected hard on: DO NOT try to
  have a crafty one off the wrist while still
  riding. You'll go wobbly and crash into a tree."
  (scarpe)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  When did you realise you were turning into your
  parents? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingolder/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Google Maps typography <<
  This bloke has been perusing Google Maps to
  find landscape features and buildings in his
  state that look like letters. We demand a font
  based on this. It could replace Gill Sans in MS
  Office 2010.
http://rhettdashwood.com.au/#16575


  >> 8 Bit Radio <<
  Nerdy online radio station with a playlist
  based on old-school computer beats. 
http://www.8bitfm.com/


  >> Meat Cards <<
  Why bother with dull, inedible business cards,
  when you can have your contact details etched
  into a slab of dried jerky? With a freaking
  laser.
http://www.meatcards.com/


  >> Do you have swine fever? <<
  It seems to be the craze that's sweeping the
  nation. Here's two sites sure to reassure/panic
  you.
http://doihavepigflu.com/
http://doihaveswineflu.org/


  >> cc Jacqui Smith <<
  This week, why not include the Home Secretary
  in all your email correspondence? The idea is
  to show your displeasure at the Government's
  intended monitoring of all communications
  traffic. But who knows, maybe you'll make a new
  friend...
http://www.ccjacquismith.co.uk/ 


  >> Maths-based comedy <<
  Jokes in the form of equations; a bit like
  those Venn diagram gags that were doing the
  rounds a wee while ago. But with maths.
http://www.morenewmath.com/


  >> Beautiful stats <<
  American consumption statistics rendered as
  lovely, lovely artworks. It's only when you
  zoom right in that you see it's all made of fag
  packets, Barbie dolls and similar crap.
http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php


  >> Whole chicken in a can <<
  Looks just as good as it sounds. We can only
  imagine how it tastes.
http://snurl.com/cannedchicken  

  SEE ALSO: Pork brains in milk:
http://snurl.com/porkbrains


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a "magic DVD" that you could download

  >> Slap chop rap <<
  Infomercial meets Auto Tune. The result is a
  perky, breakbeat song to kitchen convenience.
  CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP.
http://snurl.com/slapchoptune  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> 90 mins of car crashes <<
  It's been said that most people watch motor
  sport in the hope of seeing something go wrong.
  If so, feast your eyes on this - an unrelenting
  hour and a half of rally drivers spectacularly
  misjudging corners.
http://snurl.com/carcrashtv  [video_google_com] 


  >> Midget rom-com <<
  Nothing says quirky romance like worrying your
  unborn child will have a disability. Trailer
  for an inexplicable 2003 romantic comedy,
  starring Kate Beckinsale, Matthew McConaughey
  and Gary Oldman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukRdEVthmWM


  >> Real-life Twitter <<
  Blokey takes his tweets out on the streets; ie.
  loudly announcing his every trivial thought, to
  general bemusement from people in earshot.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1909386


  >> Bull in a china shop <<
  Well, to be more accurate, bull in a
  supermarket. But close enough.
http://tinyurl.com/csr9cr


  >> Bendy 50s dancing <<
  Stick with it past the first minute and this
  kitschy musical number turns into something
  spectacularly odd. Do these women even have
  spines?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mVpGmoES3w


  >> Bigfoot caught on tape!! <<
  Some really amazing footage here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/bigfoot_caught_on_tape


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Hidden message

  * BOYS WEE - Suspicious programming on the Sky
  listings menu, caught by vigilant b3tard
  blackarmadillo.
http://snurl.com/boyswee  [farm4_static_flickr_com] 


  * MAJOR DICKIE HEAD - Can't imagine he'd ever
  get teased about that name, what with being in
  the army and all. 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8014318.stm


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Police Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop the 
  Police to show how lovely they are.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * GRAN - because we'll all be old ladies one
  day (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9391473

  * STEREOTYPES - whose side would you rather be
  on? (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9396304

  * BURGER - the Mac/PC debate rages on (Friz)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9387759

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cops/


  >> New challenge: David Icke <<
  It's David Icke's birthday this week, so what
  better gift than a whole seven days dedicated
  to his crackpot conspiracy ramblings? Just who
  IS ruling the world, and what do they plan to
  do with it? Open up Photoshop and show us the
  wonderful world of David Icke. Challenge
  suggested by The Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/davidicke/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPIDER GLOVES - we asked for spiders made
  from gloves and we got them. Emvee writes, "my
  sister made a glove spider for the newsletter,
  though I'm now thinking maybe I should offer it
  to the bank in exchange for my overdraft..."
http://snurl.com/spiderglove  [www2_b3ta_com] 


  * COOKING CUCUMBERS - lbucket13 says,
  "According to my mother, there is a traditional
  Chinese recipe that involves stir-frying
  cucumbers and eggs together. Having tasted this
  a few times, I must say that cucumbers should
  never never never ever be cooked, but if one
  tries to complain to my mother, she will
  huffily tell you that this recipe is
  traditional and the cucumbers MUST be cooked.
  She is normally a wonderful cook and most
  everything she makes is scarfed down in
  seconds, but this dish is so awful that
  everyone just eats the egg and leaves the
  cucumber to stew in its own disgusting
  mushiness."

  * CAL HENDERSON LEAVES FLICKR - Cal, the coding
  genius who co-founded B3ta then lead the
  programming on Flickr is apparently up to new
  and very exciting things. Good luck Cal!
http://snurl.com/goodluckcal  [kara_allthingsd_com] 


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Rotatspin 

  Reductionism is a great way to bring a new
  twist to an old idea. Traditional platform
  games require you to move about and jump to
  avoid the obstacles, but in Rotatspin, the
  moving is done for you and you just need to
  time when to jump. Brilliant.
http://armorgames.com/play/3577/rotatspin


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BEANS: PAN vs MICROWAVE? - MrTrent asks, "I
  remember some time ago some clever sod did
  science to determine if it was cheaper to make
  a cup of tea using a kettle or boiling the
  water in a pan. Maybe you could ask someone to
  similarly determine if it's cheaper to heat up
  a tin of beans in a pan or in the microwave?"
  Also you might want to consider the carbon
  footprint of burning gas on a hob vs the
  production of electricity.

  * BALANCE CHALLENGE - Sometimes, when bored, we
  like to balance books on our head and attempt
  to walk across the room. Maybe our more
  athletic readers could try a marathon with a
  pork pie on their head?

  * DIY SCISSORS - can you fashion your own
  scissors by riveting two kitchen knives
  together? Maybe you can. We don't know, that's
  why we're asking.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by El Guiri,
  Grouch76, TOther_Simon, codepo8, salad,
  sheepeatingtaz, burntbroccoli, arepeejee,
  gronkpan, Alexandra Hume Humphreys,
  TimWallington, littleghoti, liencam, Rev. Jesse.
  Top Tippery by dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan...
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Bulk buy all your buns from the supermarket and
  freeze them.

  When it comes to making your sandwiches, the
  butter will spread easier without tearing the
  bread.

  Come lunchtime at work, the bread will be
  defrosted but still lovely and chilled.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:

  Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection
  now that doctors have disabled his pop-up
  blocker.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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