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NEWSLETTER: "JADE'S LAST ISSUE"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Worst thing you've done with a penis?
* Mutated Monty - Back with the mentals
* Veitch - Wanky Shit Demon 2

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "Sleepers awake
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     this is your signal"

B3ta email 369 - 13 Mar 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue369/

     Misanthropy:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Comic Relief:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Mobile Journo blogs 

  Follow 5 Tokyo-bound troubadours as they gawk at
  pant-moistening technology so hot it'll melt
  your face. You'd be a right doukeshi not to
  click:
http://tinyurl.com/3snapshots


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Your link, our newsletter, credit-crunch prices.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, nonsense and tomfoolery

  >> Forrest Gump, one minute, one take <<
  The Tom Hanks tear-jerker reduced by Cap'n to
  its basic elements, which mostly appear to have
  been made of cardboard. Watch this rather than
  the original and save several hours of your
  life for something worthwhile instead. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Forrest_Gump_in_one_minute_in_one_take


  >> Wanky Shit Demon 2 - The Awankening <<
  Joel emails effusively, "Hooray! A sequel to
  the Wanky Shit Demon! It is a thing of great
  beauty!" Good to see Joel's returned to his
  early ethic - simply try to be as foul as
  possible.
http://rathergood.com/demon2


  >> Mutated Monty's Bits & Bobs <<
  "Here's a compilation of left-over weirdness I
  had lying around," chirps mutated monty. "I
  recommend the high-quality version." This is,
  as ever, the sight and the sounds of an
  impending mental breakdown.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bits_and_Bobs


  >> Use Twitter to make sentences <<
  "Got bored this weekend and so threw this
  together," shirks BlueHaze, "It uses the
  Twitter API to finish off sentences that you
  start, often with hilarious, unexpected or even
  rubbish results."
http://www.meandr.net/


  >> Weebl vs. Sunshine Movie <<
  Newly-responsible Jonti Picking, in his quest
  to pay for a shed to "keep babby in" is
  continuing his Cadburys Creme Egg themed
  advertising. Picking mumbles and slurs,
  "Sunshine was one of the best and most
  overlooked films of 2007, a taut psychological
  thriller and great up till the bit it turns
  into a monster flick. Anyway I've fixed the
  monster problem in MY version."
http://www.goovies.co.uk/gooshine.html


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Puns

  We asked you last week for your best puns.
  Hopefully this means you won't clog up all the
  other QOTW's with this shit in the future. 
http://b3ta.com/questions/puns/

  * "The people of Dubai do not find The
  Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi
  do."
    (Dr Skagra and kingnutter)
     
  * "The Beach Boys walk into a bar:
     "Round?"
     "Round?"
     "Get a round."
     "I get a round?"
     "Get a round."

     etc."
    (The Supreme Crow )
     
  * "Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to
  rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with
  the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm
  afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am
  a werewolf." Harry recoiled in both fear and
  disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his
  professor crumbled away underneath his clenched
  fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!"
  Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as
  he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too." (Aruu)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the worst thing you've done with a penis?
http://b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates=

  >> Webcam stop-motion <<
  Fun site that lets you make mad little animated
  movies, using your webcam. When you see people
  messing around with their laptops on the train,
  this is probably what they are up to.
http://www.piterwilson-toys.com/wcsmt2/


  >> Take an anxiety shit <<
  We find that to take a shit we need to feel
  relaxed so that we can open our sphincter and
  let the poopy-poos drop out. Others believe
  that heightening stress is the way to go. We
  reckon we couldn't shit in this bog - or that
  one with the one-way glass.
http://www.coloribus.com/paedia/prints/2009/03/11/290722/


  >> Bad Paintings of Barack Obama <<
  Truly awful paintings of famous people are
  funny. They work as harsh caricatures, making a
  celeb look mentally ill, deranged, or simply
  with his skin hanging weirdly after a stroke.
  What's not to enjoy? 
http://badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/


  >> Web with added bacon <<
  Adds a delicious-looking rasher of bacon to any
  site of your choosing. Everything's better with
  bacon, right?
http://snurl.com/takethatveggiebastards


  >> De-yellow your retro consoles <<
  An assortment of vintage computing enthusiasts
  have solved the mystery of the ages and
  developed a technique to restore mouldering
  collectibles to their former (beige) glory.
  BTW: The Dave Stevenson mentioned here is no
  relation our Dave - who only wishes his
  nickname was 'Merlin'.
http://retr0bright.wikispaces.com/


  >> Blowguard <<
  Novelty sex toy that avoids teeth meeting
  johnson while performing a blow-job. Enjoyed
  that one of the selling points is "Designed by
  a Dentist". NSFW, probably.
http://blowguard.com/home.html?location=main


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Your guide to the best laser disk releases

  >> SSD awesomeness <<
  Our very own CR3, coder for B3ta and Sickipedia
  is now the star of an internet viral to promote
  Samsung SDD drives. We're very proud of him as
  A. We helped him the get the job at the agency
  and B. It's already had over a million views on
  YouTube because it's actually a really good bit
  of work. Give the lad a raise.
http://snurl.com/paulcurryforinternetpresident


  >> Sleepwalking dog! <<
  This is why you shouldn't wake up sleepwalkers.
  Twitchy sleeping dog. Tip top comedy ending.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleepwalking_dog


  >> Brad Neely - Fuck the Humans <<
  "If this doesn't make next week's newsletter,"
  blackmails Lord_Munkee, "then it'll be a shit
  newsletter..." Well, we're sticking it in -
  mainly as we like the idea of poo being
  jewellery. But we can still promise you that
  it's a shit newsletter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brad_Neely_Fuck_the_Humans


  >> Radiohead on Mario Paint Composer <<
  Paranoid Android is one of the most epically
  miserable rock tunes of the 90s. Somehow its
  pathos remains, even rendered in Mario Paint. 
http://snurl.com/okconsoleputer


  >> Ben Goldacre vs. MMR reporting <<
  You may have seen the hoo-hah a few weeks ago
  with Goldacre getting peeved at a LBC radio
  show spreading the usual crap about MMR, and
  then the lawyers naively trying to close the
  debate by playing the copyright card. The
  internet responded with the "Streisand Effect",
  i.e. lots of blogs re-hosted the audio. Anyway,
  it's all summed up rather nicely on ITV1's
  London Tonight. BTW: Also worth checking out is
  the blog by reporter Nick Wallis who describes
  the process of putting the report together with
  a pleasing can-do clarity.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yay_Ben_Goldacre


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Sex dwarf

  Thyrf dribbles - "A bunch of us started a new
  job last year. It only took the existing staff
  a whole day before they mentioned his name.
  Scoffing in doubt, we didn't acknowledge it
  until one slow afternoon resulted in looking
  through the corporate address book." Hmm,
  amused as we are, isn't there some serious data
  protection / getting yourself sacked issue
  going on here?
http://www.b3tards.com/u/afae739d69c88855a28f/randy.png


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Credit Crunch TV Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to predict how the
  financial crisis will affect TV programming.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TREK - even the most popular TV franchises
  will see their budgets slashed (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9237684

  * SKY - while the people losing their jobs are
  always the last to know (Greedo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9238215

  * COCKNEY - and Eastenders brings back an old
  favourite to save money (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9237573

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creditcrunchtv/


  >> New challenge: Font Jokes <<
  This week we you to you to use your photo-magic
  skills provide us with fontLOLs - yes, jokes
  about fonts. C'mon. Jokes. About. Fonts.
  Challenge inspired by Ninj.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fontjokes/popular/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPIDER CASH - pastapappie whispers, "In issue
  367 iowaseven asked for a credit card with a
  picture of a $233.95 spider on the front. Since
  my card was nearly expired and my bank lets me
  choose a custom picture I figured, why the hell
  not? The result is a little blurry thanks to
  the lack of a decent camera, but it can be seen
  here."
http://tweakers.net/ext/f/He3nrZSJT1XZwottf6LkGWtR/full.jpg


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * JAFFA CAKE DONUTS: Like a donut but with a
  smashing orangey filling and chocolate on top.
  eViLegion and HappyToast challenge you to make
  this happen. They've already written a long
  rambling email to McVities...
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9264105

  * MOBILE PHONE HIP FLASKS - on considering the
  problems of an alcoholic - you need to carry
  booze on you at all times and yet you need to
  keep it secret. So why not hip flasks disguised
  as handy objects that you ALREADY carry about
  with you all day? "Fantastic, a phone call
  from Mr Booze. I'll need to take this in the
  other room." *glug* *glug* *glug* 


  * SPEED CHALLENGE PENCIL SHARPENING - How long
  does it take you to grind a new pencil entirely
  into shavings? No cheating using electric
  sharpeners mind you.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via raerth_.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Captn Hood-Butter.

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  SICKIPEDIA:

  What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate
  10 times in a single day? No, it's not a joke -
  I need to know what to put on my CV.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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