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NEWSLETTER: "HE TURNED COLDER, THAT'S WHERE IT EH-EEEEENDS......"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - "I'm not being racist, right, but..."
* COOKING - Pot Noodle Pasty
* PRANK - a deliberately inaccurate calendar

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       "we r txting yr
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         mum... 2geva"

B3ta email 360 - 9 Jan 2009, Happy New Year!

Oooh look, a web linky, how clever:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue360/

      Good karma:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Shitty karma:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: CHAVVY SPONSORED LINK
  Chav Gangs, browser-based RPG Game 

  "Are you sick of hearing about the Chav culture
  that is now dominating our society? Here is
  your chance to get even. Fight, mug and scam
  your way to the top and become the number 1
  Chav in the UK"
http://www.chavgangs.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Your ad-based tattoo on our pitbull. Talk now.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 
  Racists, Pastry, Calendar Sabotage and Bad Films

  >> "I'm not being racist, right, but..." <<
  You know whatever comes next is going to be
  racist. Andrew O'Neill tries to reclaim the
  phrase by using it in non-racist contexts. This
  is brilliant - even the simplest statement
  implies murky new offensive stereotypes. 
http://blip.tv/play/AeHIFo3cUA


  >> The Pot Noodle pasty <<
  "Behold the future of snack food," brags Kaine
  who, with his accomplices, has combined the
  twin powers of the Greggs pasty and the Pot
  Noodle. Unlikely as it sounds, their excellent
  work on the pastry has actually made these look
  delicious.
http://kained.com/blog/default.aspx


  >> Deliberately Inaccurate 2009 Calendar <<
  Mike Fishcake has created something of a
  slow-burning social bomb. It looks innocuous
  enough but this calendar has been meticulously
  altered to give the wrong dates for all sorts of
  holidays. We are already chortling with glee at
  the thought of someone in the office missing
  Mothers' Day.
http://snurl.com/crap_2009_calendar


  >> I Spot Bad Films <<
  "A spotter's guide to the very worst films
  committed to celluloid, written by me and Dave
  for the E4 site," moans a pale and shaken Rob
  Manuel. "We really did sit down and watch all
  these bloody films too. Our minds melted."
http://www.e4.com/wtf/bad-films/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Wibbling Rivalry
    
  Over Christmas we asked you to make the dullest
  story ever in 500 or more words. Only joking,
  we love you lot really.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/siblings/

  * LOL! JOKE! They say one in every 6 people is
  Chinese. I don't know who it is in my household.
  It might be my Sister, Sarah, or my brother Xao
  Ming Chen, but my money's on my elder brother
  Dennis. (Lunar Jim)   

  * LOL! ANOTHER JOKE! "My younger sister is here
  for the weekend, with her 9 year old son. He's
  become interested in chess, and was asking me
  about how the various pieces move. I'm not that
  much of an expert on the subject, and some of
  his school friends were insisting that a pawn
  could take a piece directly in front of it in
  some cases. I'm not sure about that, but I know
  there are some strange cases where pieces can
  move in a different way. So, cue sister walking
  in whilst I say: 'Look, I'm not sure, just
  search for pawn in google, and that should tell
  you'." (Mucky)

  * LOl! FREAK! "I was a confused child. I have
  it on good authority (well, my mates and oddly
  enough one of our cousins), that my sister was
  (and still is) hot. When I was a kid I went
  through a phase of doing odd things when I had
  the house to myself. Having already fucked my
  way through everything in the fridge to try and
  find something that felt like 'a real woman'*
  And having already had the obligatory five
  wanks while the rest of my family were out, I
  found myself in my sister's bedroom...

  "Moments later I found myself standing in front
  of her full length mirror wearing a spangly
  boob tube and a pair of French knickers, with
  my cock and balls hanging out over the top.

  "Is it wrong to admit that at that moment I
  felt the sexiest I have ever felt in my life?

  "I couldn't look my sister in the eye for a
  month after that afternoon.

  "And to this day it is my secret shame that I
  have, in point of fact, been inside my sister's
  knickers...

  "* Vanilla slice was the best, closely followed
  by a cleverly and anatomically correct hollowed
  out melon vagina with a bit of KY jelly added
  for extra realism." (SpankyHanky)


  >> Bored at work? <<
  This week we want your skiving confessions.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/workboredom/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Britney's hacked vagina: interview <<
  We were very amused by the recent pwnage of
  Britney Spear's twitter account, "HI Yall! Brit
  Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the
  size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with
  razor sharp teeth." The full story, complete
  with interview with the scallywags responsible,
  on the Wired blog. BTW: Interesting to note
  that the Daily Mail covered this and included
  the vagina dentata quote, whilst Wired's
  reportage spared our blushes.
http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2009/01/professed-twitt.html


  >> Visual history of Lego figures <<
  We weren't allowed Lego figures as a kid, our
  parents thought them gimmicky and not as
  educational as "proper Lego." Hence, to this
  very day, we look down on geeks that fetishize
  this stuff - Lego Technic for the win! BTW:
  Halfway down the page - the ghosts and the
  knight? All very KKK init.
http://gizmodo.com/5070884/exclusive-the-lego-minifig-timeline


  >> When dating sites go wrong <<
  Girl posts gory details of bad date on dating
  talkboard - hilarity ensues, especially when
  the chap joins in. 
http://www.okcupid.com/forum?low=1&tid=7223997838631196585


  >> Cock Art challenge <<
  "I challenge you to make this penis not look
  like a penis" is the compo and quite honestly
  we wish we were running it on our site. 
http://www.tribalwar.com/forums/showthread.php?t=570589


  >> Tilt shift photo maker <<
  Recently we haven't been able to move for
  seeing tilt-shift photos. You know, the ones
  where real world stuff is made to look like
  models. The trick? A special camera, or more
  often a bit of blurring and ramping up the
  saturation. And now it's even easier with this
  handy, miniature tool. 
http://tiltshiftmaker.com/


  >> Top 50 movie special effects shots <<
  "I love stuff like this," writes Krang, "it's a
  good list and the writers seem to actually know
  what they're talking about." Unlike us, who've
  been bluffing it with Wikipedia and a few
  recycled jokes from Alas Smith & Jones for
  years.
http://snurl.com/specialneeds


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Not as good as looking at the top 10 on youtube

  >> Holy Spirit drum'n'bass <<
  Not the first vid we've seen to match up
  footage of religious ecstasy with old school
  choons. But this one is excellent. One portly
  preacher is particularly good value.
http://b3ta.com/links/Holy_Spirit_possession_drumnbass_par_excellence


  >> Insect hair <<
  Increasingly surreal and explicable Ann
  Robinson hate from a former Weakest Link
  contestant. Well, perhaps it's not entirely
  inexplicable.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Insect_hair


  >> Live action stop-motion <<
  Animated fight and chase scene using 26,000
  photos of real actors. Extremely impressive;
  particular props to the people who had to stand
  perfectly still for about six months.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ten_Thousand_Pictures_of_You


  >> Most annoying runner ever <<
  This athlete can't resist screaming at the top
  of his lungs in every race. Perhaps it's to
  spur himself on or to psych out other
  competitors. We just don't know. But he weirdly
  reminds us of Crazy Frog.
http://www.maniacworld.com/most-annoying-runner-ever.html


  >> Cat vs electric toothbrush <<
  The buzzing of the tiny motor makes this kitten
  just want to smash things up!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_electric_toothbrush


  >> Enter Kazoo Man <<
  Metallica's rousing crowd-pleaser rendered, as
  it should be, on four kazoos and a little
  beatboxing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Enter_Kazoo_Man


  >> Harry Potter 'pitch to the publishers' <<
  Sarcastic comedy duo the Dawson Brothers wish
  they'd been in the pitch meeting for Harry
  Potter. The MAGIC pitch meeting.
http://b3ta.com/links/Harry_Potter_pitch_to_the_publishers_in_cartoon_form


  >> Hand-drawn internet <<
  Clever stop-motion turns a normal notebook into
  an animated laptop, complete with slightly
  off-kilter internets.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tP-reW1eLYE


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now featuring 'Bad Type Weekly' and other crap

  * FONTY TWATS - Our hot rival - the Schwartz
  Spice Newsletter chooses an unfortunate
  typeface for its headlines don't you think? And
  if you can't spot it, then google the word
  'cunny.'
http://www.schwartz.co.uk/content.cfm?ID=10542


  * SPELLING TWITS - We always knew that Del
  Monte was a Zionist conspiracy.
http://lone9gunman.livejournal.com/20052.html


 * PROOFING TWOTS - Fox does a New Year's
 ticker-tape made from viewers' texts. As to
 whether they're vetted beforehand...
http://img126.imageshack.us/img126/2728/img00291vr4.jpg


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:  WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 
  Bloody loads of stuff over Xmas so...

  >> Play.com fuck up (again) <<
  A couple of weeks ago, Play.com managed to
  screw up the coding on their website so that
  users of the Opera browser would instead see
  pictures from b3tard Rusty Shackleford's site.
  They've somehow managed it again. So once more,
  Rusty has taken the opportunity to sabotage
  their site. Rather lovely.
http://b3ta.com/links/Play_com_have_fucked_up_again_needs_Opera


  >> Discount People <<
  Slightly manic television spot by superdonal,
  exhorting sofas to head on down and pick up a
  discount human in the sales.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Discount_People


  >> Perspective scrolling - How To <<
  If you fancy making one of those funky-looking
  infinite scrolling animated backgrounds, you
  could do a lot worse than check out this little
  tutorial by maiden.
  http://www.maidenart.co.uk/perspective-scrolling.html


  >> Plant Feed <<
  Sheep does the chores, with a little help from
  his houseplants.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Plant_Feed


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the last three challenges

  Since the last newsletter we've featured 
  three Challenges.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * UK TV, HOLLYWOOD STYLE - The Wombles.
    Taking out the trash (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9035451

  * A STAR WARS CHRISTMAS - Admiral Motti 
    receives a lovely new jumper on the big
    day (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9055740

  * ADVERTISING THE UNUSUAL - Tony the 
    Tiger breaks into the DIY market (geet)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9063193

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/uktv/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/starswarsxmas/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising/


  >> New challenge: The Funny Side Of War <<
  With the Israelis and Palestinians intent 
  on blowing each other up, this depressing 
  saga must be getting you down. So fire up 
  Photoshop and show us the funny side of 
  conflict.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/war/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TARD KILLS LIL' WAYNE - Gilgamesh boasts,
  "Seems that someone used my now-defunct BBC
  News Generator to fake a story about rapper
  Lil' Wayne being killed. Consequently I got
  hits from all over the world and the site got
  suspended for going over the bandwidth limits.
  At least I got the phrase 'Gilgamesh BBC tool
  is dogs bollocks' onto the Guardian's website
  AND Lil' Wayne made an announcement on his
  Myspace that he was still alive."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_in_the_news_today_oh_boy


  * HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING? - Ruble
  answers our query with, "Twice as long as half
  of it. I've often used this in conversation,
  'how long will you be fixing that car?' Cue
  smart arse reply, 'how long is a piece of
  string', cue my angered response, "From the end
  to the middle times two, now, HOW FUCKING LONG
  WILL THE CAR BE!?!"


  * WEIRD EMAIL THAT IS PROBABLY A HOAX - Nev
  Jenner completely mentals at us, "My wife was a
  bitch all Christmas Day. Lying in bed that
  night it all came pouring out; she had been
  expecting to receive as a present a 'Paul Ross
  canvas print', she had 'seen the webpage open
  on my computer screen and thought I must be
  secretly buying it her' and, as she had not
  received it, had been a bitch all day. I have
  then compounded my mistake by telling her the
  reason I didn't get it her was because 'demand
  was high and they are temporarily out of
  stock', rather than telling her the real reason
  which is 'I was looking at that page because I
  and thousands of other b3tards are laughing at
  cunts like you who want such items'. She has
  cheered up now in the knowledge that she will
  soon be receiving one, which I am going to have
  to pay for and hang and fucking endure. Now I
  know I left the window open stupidly thus
  letting her see it, but I wonder if you could
  send me £56.58p to cover me having to buy the
  print and have it posted to me. This might go
  some way towards easing the pain I have felt,
  and will continue to feel."
  http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/
  B001N6W8U0/b3ta-21


  * HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRINGx2?
  CompletelyUnacceptable bleeps, "In response to
  your despair at not knowing how long a piece of
  string was, I thought I'd share a geeky
  developer joke I made up:

  Q: How long is a piece of string?
  A: string.length

  You have to be fairly sad to get it." BTW: If
  readers have got any more geeky, codey lols
  then the usual address please.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PROVERBS MADE REAL - "I'd like to see is
  somebody with a high speed camera set it up
  pointing at a fan and film what really happens
  when the shit hits it." (Wurzel)

  * WHAT DAY IS IT DOT COM - "I think there
  should be a page on the internet that just
  tells you what day it is", states
  alexrclements, "I googled and and couldn't find
  one. Please could you ask in the next
  newsletter if any clever people could make one?
  It would make the internet a BETTER PLACE."

  * IMDB VS PIRATEBAY MASH-UP - so that we know
  what films are what, when we read the top100
  download list looking for ideas on what to
  watch tonight.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by bilbobarneybobs,
  masakatsu, Spooge McBalls, elusive, Oysdgp,
  custard, lolwhites, raerth, ArfurDaley, Andy
  Stevenson, Grindstaff, bathtub and Pew Pew Pew!
  Lasers! Top Tippery by haroweld Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Pine needles to
  unit designate: b4ta. Subjlol via Captain Wow.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  In the winter keep your bog roll on top of a
  radiator. Those cold mornings will be spent in
  a much happier place. It's bliss for your arse.


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  SICKIPEDIA:

  I left my car in a car park the other day, when
  I came back to it the bumper and rear lights
  were all smashed up. Then I found this note
  under the wiper. It said: "I just accidentally
  reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw
  me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and
  details. Well, I'm not.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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