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This Week:
* BLACK PUDDING - Or is it art?
* VEITCH -  On a subject close to his heart
* VASECTOMY - You don't want to see this

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 351 - 23 Oct 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue351/

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: SPONSORED LINKY
  "Text adventure for grown-ups"

  Ever wanted to ride a naked 70-year-old man
  into a foetid, glistening midget brothel while
  swinging a home-made set of Chainsaw-Chuks
  around your head? Don't do it in real life,
  weirdo. Improbable Island is a text-adventure
  game for grown-ups, and it's absolutely fucking
  mental
http://improbableisland.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Pudding, Blubber and Balls

  >> Blubber <<
  Joel sings the praises of the blubbery
  walrus-beast of northern climes. Ravetastic!
http://rathergood.com/blubber/


  >> Pudding effigies <<
  "I've had a go at the classic Wonder and
  McCartney hit 'Ebony and Ivory'" blurts an
  excited Sickpuppy. "I made them out of black
  and white pudding. Beat racism with artery
  blocking goodness!" Then he ate them.
http://www.fatuous.co.uk/2008/10/04/together-in-perfect-yummy/


  >> Lord Manley's vasectomy <<
  In case you're morbidly curious about what it's
  like to have 'the snip', Lord Manley has photos
  and videos of his vasectomy for you to enjoy.
  Not safe for work, if your work frowns on
  pictures of angry scrotums.
http://havingapoo.blogspot.com/2008/10/vasectomy.html


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: B3TA BOOK OF THE MONTH
  Venn That Tune
  
  "I'm B3tan salvadorevincent and have had a few
  front pages over the years (Internet in
  cassette form, Evel Knievel's hearse, Top Trump
  Deities)"

  "I've just written a book and I'm very excited
  and proud of it. It's called 'Venn That Tune'
  and is over 100 classic song titles in the form
  of Venn diagrams and graphs."

  And you know what? He's sent us a copy and it's
  great. Works extremely well as a quiz.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0340955678/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Common as muck

  Last week we wanted to know what you saw as
  common. This generated a huge flame war of
  snobbery, one-upmanship and hate. Excellent:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/common/

  * COMMON MUMS - I used to work in an opticians
  in Essex. I think the most common thing I ever
  was the woman who, when booking her children in
  for eye tests, checked her tattoos for their
  dates of birth. (Mrs Liveinabin)

  * COMMON GRANS - when I lived in Newcastle there
  was a banner hanging outside of a house that
  read "HAPPY 30th GRANDMA". (cowjam)


  >> This Week's Question: Meanness  <<
  Know any grumpy skinflints? Tell us tales of
  pointless tightwaddery:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Blender Defender <<
  Strobe light and blender in one cat-scaring
  package. Stops them getting into things they
  shouldn't while simultaneously creating
  h-h-h-hilarious YouTubeable footage of their
  startled little faces.
http://www.plasma2002.com/blenderdefender/


  >> Food sculptures <<
  Arty, inventive models made of fruit and bread.
  Hope they ate them all up afterwards. There are
  people starving, you know.
http://www.wambie.com/foto_br-272.html 


  >> Sickie woo!<<
  Bloke takes a sickie because he's hungover. He
  makes one fatal error in his plan to get away
  with it. (From the pages of The Reg)
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/10/23/sickie_woo/


  >> Atheist bus banners <<
  There's been a lot of evangelical groups
  advertising on public transport lately. The
  atheists have decided to get in on the act -
  here's their appeal to raise money for the
  ads.
http://www.justgiving.com/atheistbus


  >> Jazzy dogshit <<
  Repelled by the mounds of dogdirt defacing New
  York's fair streets, these guys tackle the
  problem by decorating it and taking pictures.
http://sprinklebrigade.com/


  >> US racism politilols <<
  One of Howard Stern's 'reporters' does a vox
  pop on the presidential race. His misleading
  questions uncover massive ignorance and a
  slightly uncomfortable degree of racism. 
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=b5p3OB6roAg


  >> The diabetes healing tone <<
  Peculiar quackery popping up on various
  filesharing sites, claiming to be a sonic cure
  for Type I and Type II diabetes. The
  accompanying text is so lunatic as to set our
  hoax alarms a-tingling. But it's the internet -
  who can tell? Maybe it's just mental illness?
http://snurl.com/quackslikeaduck  [thepiratebay_org] 


  >> Skip conversions <<
  Skips - irritating obstacle when you're trying
  to park in your road... or an extra, swimming
  pool or living room? You can probably guess
  what this bunch reckon.
http://www.oliverbishopyoung.co.uk/conversions.html


  >> Awesome high-definition screengrabs <<
  Genuinely enjoyed perusing these side-by-side
  comparisons of James Bond on various disc
  formats. Amazing how much detail you can get on
  your modern Blu-Ray thingy. Shame it's the
  laserdisc de nos jours.
http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film/DVDReviews25/thunderball.htm


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Weak lols for the simple minded

  >> Claymation chess <<
  So simple and good that we really wish we'd
  done it. Animated chess pieces take each other
  out in a match of escalating violence and
  visual inventiveness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clay_Stop_Motion_Chess


  >> Monkey Segway Action
  You even need a write up for this? It's a
  monkey. Riding a Segway. Click the link!
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=5pFv8CAniYQ


  >> Mind control brain fungus <<
  Another 'isn't Nature horrid' moment -
  Cordyceps takes control of an ant's brain,
  forces it to climb upwards, then sprouts out of
  its head like an evil tentacle. Lucky there
  isn't a variety that preys on humans... or is
  there? Brr.
http://b3ta.com/links/Get_out_of_my_head_GET_OUT_OF_MY_HEAD


  >> Talking starling <<
  We had no idea the birds could speak before we
  watched this vid. Frankly, we're not sure after
  watching it either. It's an eerie, husky sound
  that quite put the wind up us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Starling_speaking_in_tongues


  >> Anti-priest spray <<
  Spray away your clergyman woes, claims this
  spoof ad. Quite funny, but we liked their logo
  sting at the end more than anything. National
  Banana may take over from Moooonpig on the
  never-ending jingle loop that haunts our brains.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Priest_Off


  >> DJ broadcasts through the flames <<
  Radio presenter gamely keeps his programme on
  air, seemingly unfazed by the fact that a
  console behind him is belching fire and smoke.
http://www.koreus.com/video/grece-radio-feu.html


  >> Credit crunch report sabotage <<
  Brokers stitch each other up in the background
  of a TV stock market report.
http://snurl.com/crunchy_credit  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Toytown photography <<
  We're just suckers for that tilt-shift
  photography stuff. Here's a lovely one, with
  yachts and a wedding and ting. 
http://www.vimeo.com/1953467


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Ten bonus points if you scrolled to here first

  * CUNT - "This is the way the light goes
  through my window at just the right time of
  day," says Mike. "At least I  finally know what
  God thinks of me."
http://snurl.com/stainedcrass  [img4012_photobox_co_uk] 


  * BRADLEY DICK - when you're stuck with a
  funny-sounding name don't hide it; run with it.
  Check out the personal logo of this equine
  photographer - has to be deliberate. Has to be.
http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/8623/dicklogoxq3.jpg


  * MILKY BAR COCK - It's a strange feeling when
  you're munching down a chocolate bar and
  suddenly realise it's decorated with spunky
  cocks. Thanks fizzyorguk for sharing that...
31640378@N04/2961855746/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/31640378@N04/2961855746/
31640378@N04/2961855862/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/31640378@N04/2961855862/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Real Art Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to recreate famous
  works of art using real life objects.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * LEGO NIGHTHAWKS - Edward Hopper's American
  classic recast in knobbly plastic (hazymemory)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8837602

  * STAR WARS LAST SUPPER - A long time ago in a
  galaxy far, far away, dinner was served (hYpe)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8850710

  * ESCHER REPTILES - the original 2D classic
  performed in actual 3D. Our heads literally
  hurt just thinking about it (unstableOvine)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8860007

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realart/


  >> New challenge: Extreme Horses <<
  We love horses, and we're sure you do too. But
  imagine how much better it would be if they
  were adrenaline junkies, with their own horsey
  X-Games and everything! Challenge suggested by
  SkUG
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremehorses/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CYPRESS HILL FURTIVE - "If anyone happens to
  be going to Freesports On 4 Freeze at Battersea
  Power Station this Saturday (October 25), I
  managed to sneak a rather prominent Furtive
  Bear into the visuals for Cypress Hill's 'Weed
  Medley'." brags Intesvensk. "B3ta represent."
  Yay! This makes us happy.


  * AWESOME PEELER - the bombastic kitchen
  utensil ad featured last week is genuine,
  confirms oldschool b3tard Tony Blews. "I would
  buy one," he continues, "but Smash doesn't need
  peeling."
http://snurl.com/the_peel_thing  [www_kitchenaria_com] 


  * DIGERIDOO CURES SLEEP APNEA? Bollocks does
  it, says Lord Turkey Boy. "I have sleep apnea
  and I have played the didgeridoo for 12 years.
  It has made sod all difference to me. In fact
  if anything I have got worse." So there you go,
  ignore the doctor if she prescribes you a
  didgeridoo.


  * DE-NOTED (from last week's newsletter) IS
  made by "our mates". B3tard acid_kewpie reminds
  us that he started the site last year and we
  featured it in the newsletter back then too.
  Doh. This is why we are now insisting that
  every site we mention is required to bear a
  banner saying "As Featured On B3ta.com". You
  hear us, Google? It's MANDATORY!


  * MISO HORNSEY does not exist. Sorry to all the
  disappointed and bewildered noodle-lovers who
  wrote in. The closest you'll get is 123 Stroud
  Green Road. On the other hand, if you were
  thinking of starting a restaurant in the area
  you'd have a jingle ready-made by Joel.


  * TA MUCHLY for the plug, says b3tarded film
  editor extraordinaire Swedemason. "Im gonna use
  this exposure to try and get some painting and
  decorating work through my YouTube profile."
  You go, girlfriend - dreams can come true!


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BESTIALITY VS ANIMAL SIZE - 4dam ponders, "If
  I fucked a ladybird, hell if I even squashed it
  with my erect penis after intercourse, and went
  into the police station and confessed to my
  crime, I don't think they would do anything.
  What is the largest animal I could fuck without
  fear of recourse? Would it be illegal to fuck
  an egg, fresh from a chicken's minge?"

  * GPS vs THE KNOWLEDGE - race a friendly local
  cabby between two random points in London. Who
  wins?

  * RETRO SNACKS - what's the oldest
  packet of crisps you can buy? And what does 20
  year old Monster Munch actually taste like?


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mookay, dsrjarman,
  diamondflamer, Tsnafu, U2031, chickenlady,
  goldenlad, chinnyhill10, luvtub, neal_lorna,
  Mac Johnson, NJtoTX, sarahhauk, hcr. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word up to b4ta.
  Subjlols via Mrs Trellis. Q1 Answer: a human.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:

  * TESCO VALUE SPECS - "Forgotten or lost your
  glasses? Get a piece of card and put a hole
  though it with a pin. Hold it close to your eye
  and you will find that you can see though this
  just as well as you can through your glasses.",
  claims Mrs Liveinabin. And you know what? We've
  just tried it and it really does sharpen up our
  vision.

  * SHITTY PILLOWS - If you fill a whoopee
  cushion with brown sauce, it will make it look
  like the person who sat on it has followed
  through. (samgasm)


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  SICKIPEDIA:

  My girlfriend likes it doggy style. It's great,
  because she fetches my paper and slippers
  afterwards.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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