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NEWSLETTER: "INVESTING IN SPERM BANKS THREE TIMES A DAY"

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This Week:
* SEXY - Joel struts his funky stuff 
* CUTE - Tiny baby deer
* CLEVER - Take On Me literal vid

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're sniffing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       seat... together"

B3ta email 349 - 10 Oct 2008

Web 1.0 version available, cyber stylee
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue349/

        Cocks:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        Vag:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Flight of the Conchords vs. Amnesty 

  Flight of the Conchords' Kristen Schaal defends
  the good of the many over the one and gets
  gushy at the Secret Policemanís Ball
http://tinyurl.com/42kesy

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Racism, Naked Joel, Blog stuff and geeky vid

  >> Joel Veitch struts his sex moves <<
  If you've perhaps been wondering what it would
  be like to be ravished by the kitten-loving web
  boffin, speculate no more. A scantily-clad
  Veitch cavorts for the approval of the
  'Sex-Factor' judges. Not for those of a weak or
  nervous disposition.
http://www.rathergood.com/sex_factor/


  >> The pain of shared living <<
  Self-styled "pathetic white-collar mediocrity"
  Buck Frain rants about the eleven shit things
  that make a shared house a living hell. He's
  unnecessarily confining himself to such a short
  list though - house sharing is a comedy furrow
  you can plough for years.
http://buckfrain.wordpress.com


  >> Progress bars <<
  Goodiebag Kirby gives his take on why life
  needs more progress bars and less spinny
  wheel-like things such as watches and beach
  balls. He makes a convincing point.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/11_progress_bars.htm


  >> Catchy, racist song <<
  Fuck knows what to make of this vid from CCC.
  It had us tapping our feet vaguely in time with
  its very politically-unsound message. Also
  scratching our heads at how Galactus is
  a spastic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_way_of_the_way_of_the_way


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Must send newsletter - truncated section. Soz.

  * NICEST THING
  Last week we asked "What's the nicest thing
  anyone's done for you?" Unfortunately, the
  tears of joy brought forth by reading your
  lovely tales of heart-warming, selfless acts
  have prevented us from writing it up. But it's
  all here for you to enjoy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/nicethings/

  * DREADFUL CHILDREN
  This week, in a return to misanthropic form,
  we'd like to know who's the biggest spoilt brat
  you know? Have their annoying ways caught up
  with them? Have you strangled them? Whisper
  your tales in Uncle b3ta's ear here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> DJ quits on air <<
  Florida DJ storms out of the studio after
  learning his contract won't be renewed. But not
  before telling off the monster that is
  corporate radio, all of his bosses, everyone.
http://www.allaccess.com/assets/mp3/Steppout.mp3


  >> Unexpected French maid <<
  Slightly kinky fancy dress costume... yay. But
  what's this in the user review section - and a
  photo too? Oy vey.
http://snurl.com/sexyyeah  [www_buycostumes_com] 


  >> Big Lego Mario <<
  Clever nerd uses 3D scanner and software to
  make a giant Lego replica of a Mario action
  figure. Please insert knob gag according to
  taste.
http://forums.luxology.com/discussion/topic.aspx?id=28803


  >> Ladies love ball sweat <<
  It's a truth universally acknowledged that the
  ladies like nothing more than sexy male 
  pheromones. Thus leading to these young hopefuls
  debating the merits of wearing a plastic bag
  on your bollocks, catching ball sweat to splash
  all over on your big night out.
http://pherolibrary.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14425


  >> Don't drink and email <<
  A tool to prevent drunkenly sending messages
  you later regret. Google Mail Goggles activates
  late at night when you're most likely to be
  hammered and makes you do a couple of simple
  maths problems to assess whether you're sober
  enough to be in charge of a keyboard. Woo.
  Now we want a mobile with built-in breathalyser
  for full safety.
http://snurl.com/twatfilter  [gmailblog_blogspot_com] 


  >> 20 questions guesser <<
  Magical genie deduces what character you're
  thinking of through a series of questions. Dave
  cleverly stumped it by only thinking of
  characters from obscure 1980s comics. Like he
  ever thinks of anything else.
http://www.devinettor.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Little deer

  The tiniest, most adorablest baby fawn in the
  whole world, born by at Tiggywinkles Wildlife
  Hospital. What is there not to coo over?
http://snurl.com/dearyme  [www_bestweekever_tv] 


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: MAKE AN ADVERT AND WIN A GRAND
  Sponsored linky woo

  CurrentTV want you to make an advert for the
  Playstation game Resistance 2. There's ONE
  THOUSAND POUNDS up for the winner, a games
  console and your video will be shown on
  television. 
http://www.current.com/resistance2


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with a more confusing remote

  >> Take On Me - literal video <<
  Funniest thing we've seen for a while - taking
  the classic 80s A-ha tune and singing the
  video. This is an idea which will run and run -
  who wants to do Wild Boys? Or that one with
  Take That and a load of arse-jelly.
http://www.videosift.com/video/Take-on-Me-Literal-Video-Version


  >> Coolest customer <<
  If we ever get the chance to win £1m on a TV
  show I doubt we'd take the moment as coolly as
  this - the very definition of geek-confidence.
http://snurl.com/inourdreams  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Machines that almost fall over <<
  Rickety-looking wood-and-hammer constructions
  that forever teeter on the edge of toppling
  to the ground. Quite hypnotic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Machines_that_almost_fall_over


  >> Horrid Windex ads <<
  Peculiar series of spoof ad spots extolling
  the unique properties of the popular
  household cleaner. "Windex - it cleans good
  because it's poison!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Windex_commercials


  >> When cats attack <<
  A new name in suspense, as a prowling cat
  looms ever closer to the hapless cameraman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcxhOGyrCtI


  Still bored? Try...
http://www.youtractor.com/ 


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Cocks, semen and bad advertising layout

  * WANKY SHIT DEMON - "it's meant to be a cute
  little plush cinnamon bun, but I thought it
  looked more like a pile of poo with jizz all
  over it." (theuntitledproject)
http://shanalogic.com/item.php?item_id=1899&page=1&category_id=95


  * JUXTAPOSITION LOLS - Someone is going to be
  sacked over this.
http://snurl.com/advertisingerror  [4_bp_blogspot_com] 


  * A WARM FRONT - Weatherman with cloud / cock
  gfx confusion. (shamblinthru)
http://www.boners.com/grub/806457.html


  * I TATTOOED A COCK ON MY ARM - What a tool.
  (feanor6288)
http://bbs.jimmyeatworld.com/showthread.php?p=426685#post426685


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: SCAMS OF THE WEEK? 
  Cash for kittens

  >> I need a cat?! <<
  Hoping to cash in on internet millions this
  week is "I need a cat" which purports to be a
  request for money to buy a kitten. Wonder if
  they'll make more than $5?
http://www.ineedacat.com/


  >> Buy my cat a sex-change <<
  And secondly - poor Bubba is a transgendered
  feline, at least according to his worried human
  'mom'. She knows this because a psychic told
  her so. Please send money so Bubba gets the
  gender reassignment surgery (s)he so desperately
  needs.
http://helpbubba.synthasite.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Tony Hart Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to cheer up b3ta hero
  Tony Hart.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SALUTE - morphing Morph (Agent Muu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8809939

  * ART CLUB - there are only three rules
    of Art Club (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8799267

  * SINCERE - a simple piece that sums up
    what we all feel (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8799659

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tonyhart/


  >> New challenge: Save the Economy <<
  As economies collapse and billion-dollar rescue
  packages are handed out like sweets at a kid's
  birthday party, it's up to b3ta to restore
  faith in the nation's banking. Create those
  adverts.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/savebanking/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BANANA WORM REVENGE - concurrency writes, "I
  mentioned the spaghetti worms in bananas (food
  sabotage QOTW) trick to my big-and-clever Mrs,
  who chastised me for being silly and immature
  (she's so insightful) and that it would appeal
  to a five-year old. Yesterday I unpeeled a
  banana for my lunch at work and in revulsion
  found it had worms in - so not only had my wife
  chastised my immaturity, she scored extra win
  by then fooling me with it - I felt sick even
  knowing what it was.  If you haven't tried it,
  it really does look grim, even more so when your
  Mrs has a packet of buckwheat noodles to hand."

  * USB BARBIE REDUX - old school b3tards will
  remember the USB Barbie a boarder made -
  basically sawing off her head and shoving a
  thumbdrive inside her. This similar mod brings
  her glowing eyes. What next?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/234049


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: FRIDAY GAME
  The eyeballing game

  Think you're a man? Think you know a right
  angle when you see one? Put your geek skills to
  the test in this acute challenge of obtuse
  geometry. 
http://woodgears.ca/eyeball/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES - Evian = naive,
  Trebor = Robert, have you got any other
  interesting ones?

  * DUMMIES GUIDE TO SHOPLIFTING - with the crap
  economy we need some help.

  * DOG SHIT CATCHERS ON YOUR SHOES - like a cow
  catcher on a train. Fling the turd to onside as
  you pass. Also ideal for disposing of dead
  birds and mice without getting your hands
  covered in gore.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by AFish,
  gennie giricny, daniel swift, randall bart,
  jmarra, ifonlyicouldmarrygeorgedawes and some
  cunt called barry. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Headlinelols by Puromycin
  
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  TOP TIP:
  To keep from crying when you cut onions: chop
  with your eyes closed. Duh.  (celestie
  d'etoile) 

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  SICKIPEDIA:

  I'd just like to thank all those people who
  have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of
  flowers by the side of the road. It really
  brightens up my drive to work.
http://www.sickipedia.org/


  And in stranger news - Sickipedia, now approved
  by Microsoft.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2928171551/

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