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NEWSLETTER: "JULIE MOULT IS AN IDIOT"

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This Week:
* DISGUSTING FOOD - Deep-fried pizza
* SCARY ANIM - Fear Mzungu!
* WEIRD TITLE - Revealed in full

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're back on the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       drink... together"

B3ta email 343 - 29 Aug 2008

Read this issue in your boozer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue343/

          Lager:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Lemonade:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Put headline here

  From B3ta superstar / TV whore sell-out director
  Ben Wheatley comes an unboxing video for Samsung's
  iPhone killer. It has already been plastered all
  over the boards, but since this slot has been paid
  for CLICK THE BASTARD LINK. Go on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQlzX7EyIwU

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Pizza, Veitch being mad and crap game reviews

  >> Deep-fried pizza <<
  There's two substances that flow through a
  Scotsman's veins: heroin and lashings of tasty
  cholesterol. Props to Jared Earle for following
  up his Munchy Box photos of yesteryear with
  this deep-fried pizza. You'll get fat fingers
  from even clicking the link. Tuck in, B3tards.
http://blog.23x.net/13/what-is-a-deep-fried-pizza.html


  >> Fear the mighty MZUNGU! <<
  Veitch blithers, "Years ago, my dad, who as you
  know is very hairy, large and fearsome, came
  back from a long trip to Uganda, sporting a
  tshirt, on which was emblazoned the single word
  'MZUNGU'.  This name stuck, but specifically
  for use in his fearsome and terrifying periods.
  In the same way as Bruce Banner has a different
  name when he's the Hulk, dad has a different
  name for when he is Mzungu. The song basically
  came from that. If anyone is getting too jovial
  or frivolous, you must summon Mzungu to CRUSH
  them." Um, yes. Nice 
http://rathergood.com/mzungu/


  >> Dr Ashen reviews... <<
  Our man Ashen is big on reviewing the cheapest
  game tech he can find - and this week he excels
  himself with some kind of rubbish 3D goggles
  that redefine what the word 'crap' means.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cyber_FX_3D_Headset_Review


  >> Julie Moult is an Idiot <<
  Found our subjectline a little confusing this
  week? Political obsessive Manic explains it in
  full.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2008/08/julie_moult.asp


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Are you gullible?

  Last week we offered a £50 prize for the best
  story. Yeah, like there'd be a "best" story.
  In fact most of you spent ages trying to get
  others to visit the I Love Horses website:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gullible/

  * MARGE-ASSED HOUND - "There was a young girl
  where I used to work who spent the day obviously
  upset about something. I asked what was up and
  she told me the courts had ordered that her pet
  dog had to be destroyed because it would not
  stop barking and the neighbours had complained.
  Apparently they had tried everything, muzzles,
  drugs, but the dog would not stop. Without
  taking a moment to think about it I told her
  to cheer up because all she needed was a tub
  of margarine. She looked at me with hope in her
  eyes as I explained that if she examined her
  dog's sphincter when it was barking she would
  notice that it clenched with every bark. All
  she needed to do was smear the dog's ass with
  the marge and it would not be able to "get a
  grip" and therefore would not be able to bark.
  I added weight to the theory by adding that it
  had to be margarine as the dog was likely to
  lick its ass, so had to be edible. She immediately
  left work, bought a tub of flora and scuttled
  off home. Next day, even more upset, she told
  me that the margarine thing hadn't worked despite
  the fact that she had "even put some inside"."
  (TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt)
     
  * CLUCKING IDIOT - "Broooooooooooooooo ck bock
  bock bock bock, I clucked excitedly, answering
  the phone one day when I was about 13 to a lovely,
  if chavvy, lady from KFC. She said that they
  were having a contest to see how many times you
  could cluck in a minute, and the winner got £500
  and free KFC for a month. I threw myself into it
  with a vengeance, clucking for England. After
  about 15 seconds and 150 clucks, I was happily
  confident about my clucking abilities, but by
  30 seconds and 300 clucks, I suddenly got
  suspicious. How were they counting these? As I
  faltered, there was a gap in my clucking and
  through the silence, I heard the sound of stifled
  laughter getting louder and louder. The nice
  lady was a so-called friend from my class, and
  she had half the year there listening to me
  squawking like a muppet." (rachelswipe)
     
  * LARGE NUMBER 2 PLEASE - "My Missy was ordering
  us a Thai takeaway on the telephone when I
  scribbled a last minute order on a Post-It note:
  "Ask them if they've got any Phat Kok" The lady
  on the other end of the phone was laughing so
  much the call had to be terminated." (kingnutter)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  How did you get your loved on to go out with
  you? Did you crash and burn or was it all
  romantic? Were the beer goggles particularly
  strong that night?
http://b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> If sexy means ugly then this is sexy <<
  Aha - the internet returns to its roots: coming
  a fast 10 years on the heel of Fugly and Fat
  Chicks in Party Hats, this blog site proves the
  internet basic that ugly people = cheap lols. 
http://renz-o.blogspot.com/


  >> One-legged porn star <<
  "I was googling for porn," confesses wanking
  hobbyist Fred Lemon, "and I found photos of
  this delightful young lady, a tattooed Suicide
  Girl named Amina Munster. After shuffling out
  some quick custard, I noticed there was
  something odd about her foot: it was peeling,
  like paint might peel off an old chair. A quick
  web search later returns a revealing interview
  with this one-legged beauty. Apparently she's
  missing fingers too. Woo hoo."
http://www.bmezine.com/news/steppingback/20050209.html


  >> Google results for <x> girls <y> cups <<
  This cartoon was everywhere this week, so why
  not have it in the B3ta newsletter too? BTW:
  Speaking of shock sites that refuse to die, we
  enjoyed the shout-out on brilliant TV show, 30
  Rock, "It's not a lemon party if there's no old
  Dick." Well done, those writers - please
  reference Tub Girl in series three.
http://xkcd.com/467/


  >> Like Guitar Hero, but for God botherers  <<
  Think Guitar Hero but less AC/DC and more
  Christian rock. If you're not in heaven already
  at that thought, then damn us to hell that we
  have no video to show you.
http://snurl.com/christrocks  [store_digitalpraise_com] 


  >> YouTubeSnob - nice idea <<
  Sick of awful comments on YouTube?
  Twats-be-gone with this handy Firefox extension
  which hides everything with bad spelling and
  poor grammar. Thankfully there's no version
  available for our charmless missives else we
  might be mute.
http://www.chrisfinke.com/addons/youtube-comment-snob/


  >> Lego Stonework <<
  Art or vandalism? What kind of cretin replaces
  broken mortar in churches with lego? An arty
  cretin that's who.
http://snurl.com/nonononono  [scienceblogs_com] 


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cat Sleeping Positions

  Themed photo collections of cats come and go;
  cats in bowls, cats in sinks etc. And here's a
  new take on it; all the odd positions kitties
  sleep in. Also an ideal link for a young man to
  send to a lady to persuade her he's got a soft,
  sensitive side rather than just being a smelly
  rapist. 
http://www.zuzafun.com/cats-sleeping-positions


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Insert weak joke here if you be arsed

  >> Looking in the Mirror at Myself <<
  Catchy song and escalating acts of self
  vandalism from this bloke who is very satisfied
  with whatever he sees in the mirror. And we've
  all done it.
http://b3ta.com/links/Im_pretty_sure_this_guy_is_a_b3tan


  >> Scary, happy druggie <<
  Public service ad about a harmful addiction to
  dust removers can be, takes a very frightening
  musical turn as severely fucked-up girl
  explains that she's "walking on sunshine".
  (Sent in by Spunky Backpack who wishes b3tards
  to take up the sport of solvent sniffing.)
http://www.i-r-genius.com/sunshine.html


  >> Gromit scat video <<
  Archive footage from Wallace's early days
  house-training his canine chum. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gromit_scat_video


  >> Richard Dawkins hatemail <<
  The popular atheist reads aloud some choice
  morsels from his mailbag, with obvious glee. He
  also does that thing of reading misspellings
  out phonetically, which made us warm to him.
  Even if he is a foul blasphemer and will burn
  in Hell.
http://b3ta.com/links/Comedy_Gold_Richard_Dawkins_reads_his_hate_mail


  >> Lord of the Dancey Dance <<
  Hapless hobbit Frodo Baggins gazes into the
  enchanted water, only to see a horrifying
  vision of his future. He is a guest on cult
  kids' show Yo Gabba Gabba.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lord_of_the_Dancey_Dance


  >> Biffy Clyro's Killing In The Name Of <<
  Live radio cover of Rage Against the Machine's
  evergreen anthem. The singer leaves a nice big
  gap where the swearwords should go and you can
  see the band chortling with satisfaction as the
  audience handily supplies the missing lyrics.
http://snurl.com/fillintheblanks  [www_bbc_co_uk] 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Robots in History 
  Challenge

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TRENCH - tales of courage, despair and great
  big fuck-off robots during the Great War (The
  magic of chutney)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8676075

  * STEAMPUNK - Mr Dalek gets the Victorian tank
  treatment (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8671813

  * RUNBOT - run! run! it's the attack of the
  retro computer (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8675003

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyrobots/


  >> New challenge: Mouse Traps! <<
  The standard mousetrap is a design classic, but
  we think it can be improved on. This week's
  challenge is to do just that: we want a better,
  more efficient, 21st Century trap. Challenge
  suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mousetrap/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LONDON LOO SEARCH - The developers of
  NYC-based toilet search engine Diaroogle have
  been in touch to aid our public pooing
  proclivities. "As a sign of appreciation, we
  decided to build a London version. It only has
  3 toilets so far, compared to the 125 listed in
  the NYC version. But hopefully the great people
  of London can fix that." Yay! We think.
http://london.diaroogle.com


  * LEGO CAN NO CAN DO - "Your idea of a Lego
  watering can is full of holes," spouts
  Smallbrainfield. "I used to make Lego into
  ships and submarines when I was a kid and
  invariably the Lego would leak. You would have
  to seal each brick or coat the inside of the
  watering can, which sounds like cheating to
  me." We suspect that you simply have weak and
  puny wrists, unlike our own manly extrusions.


  * PIXLR LIKES THE WIFE - We featured their
  online flash image editor last week and offered
  them £5 and a go on the wife if we could
  acquire it. They write on their blog that they
  "must confess it is really hard to say no." Mrs
  Fuhrer is well chuffed.
http://pixlr.blogspot.com/


  * BOIL WATER IN A MICROWAVE? Not unless you
  like pain. Stranger warns, "When
  water is heated in the microwave it doesn't
  bubble like in a kettle, or pot, if the inner
  surface of the container is smooth (like a
  cup). So when the surface of the water is
  broken, it shoots upwards. If you have to boil
  water in a microwave, put a kebab stick, or
  lollipop stick in it; something to break the
  surface tension." And he isn't just flapping
  his gums; look, a Snopes article too!
http://www.snopes.com/science/microwave.asp


  * GULLIBLE, US? ks26milw writes to inform us
  that the old "gullible isn't in the dictionary"
  gag that we used for last week's question of
  the week is a misuse of the word gullible. "The
  gag should more appropriately have been with
  friends telling you that the word 'skeptical'
  isn't in the dictionary, and when you went to
  check, they'd all point fingers and jibe:
  'Hahahaha! You're skeptical!'" Hmm. We'll take
  that information with a pinch of salt.


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  E4 Game thingie
  
  Please make puzzles! We've connected an early
  version of our cat-killing, flame-dodging
  Sokoban game Psycho Fireman to a wiki to allow
  you to create your own levels - we'd love you
  to join in. JOIN US.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wiki_puzzle_game


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A LEGO PENIS FUCKING A MECCANO VAGINA -
  Christ this bit of the newsletter is hard to
  write. 

  * AN INKJET PRINTER THAT WILL PRINT MONEY -
  we're telling you out brains are hurting. Ouch.

  * USB LEOPARD THAT CHANGES ITS SPOTS WHEN FULL
  OF DATA - we give up. Please send us better
  ideas.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by English Bob and
  vain_imaginations. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlos via the board.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  
  When we started the top-tip section our aim was
  to run real tips rather than VIZ-style gags.
  However, this is simply not what people send
  us. We are what YOU want us to be, we suppose.
  Anyway, here's a handful that have tickled us
  recently:

  * Racist lols! Try the Korean meatballs.
  They're the dog's bollocks! (oneinthepink)

  * Girls! Tired of having to do gymnastics to
  trim your mimsy hair? The solution is simple!
  Squat over an upturned garden strimmer and hey
  presto! not only a tidy quim, but an absence of
  razor marks and blocked plugholes! (Smash
  Monkey)

  * Condoms! Don't buy ribbed condoms. Buy
  regular condoms and fill them with ball
  bearings. (Maudlin McCann)

  These and many other gags of variable quality,
  as usual, on the actual top tips section:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  I was checking into a hotel the other week. At
  the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly
  to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel
  is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are
  into.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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