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NEWSLETTER: "HELPING FATTIES GET FATTER SINCE 2001"

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This Week:
* FOOD - Scroll wheel cheese
* SONG - Jonti deconstructs celebrity
* OTHER STUFF - That's mostly quite good

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Introducing La-di-da
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  - pig fat for the posh"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       

B3ta email 335 - 4 July 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue335/

    Waxy Adolf:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Ruby Wax:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Celebrity, Scrollwheels, Space slugs and, uh, scissors

  >> How to be a celebrity <<
  If you were wondering how to make it big on the
  showbiz circuit, the stellar Jonti Picking
  sheds some light on what it takes. Paid work
  for E4 too - the lucky shit.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/animations/how-to-celebrity.html


  >> Scroll wheel cheese <<
  Take a closer look at that mouse you're using.
  See the little bits of crap that have gathered
  in the ridges of the scroll wheel? What is that
  stuff? Well we don't know either, but in the
  spirit of inquiry Rob scraped it all out for a
  closer look. Revolting.
http://www.scrollwheelcheese.com/


  >> Slug space program <<
  Short, Creature Comfort-inspired film from
  the clearly very talented David Ellinor. His
  other stuff's worth checking out too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOHE2KsmdGg


  >> Cut-out biplane <<
  Stuck for something to do? Near a colour
  printer? Like biplanes? Amoebaboy has a treat
  in store for you - a lovely, lovely model
  biplane that you can assemble yourself.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8514702


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Your Biggest Disappointments

  Last week we wanted your greatest disappointments.
  Please go and read Ragged's entry at least - the
  man deserves a fricking medal for all he's gone
  through:
http://b3ta.com/questions/disappointment/

  Here's three shorties we liked:
  
  * MY DAILY ROUTINE - "First things first:
    -clench fist- Damn. No retractable claws.
    Still not Wolverine then. -fling wrist forward-
    Damn. No web. Still not spiderman then.
    -Concentrate on dressing gown- Damn. Still
    not a Jedi then. -sigh- Ah well. Maybe tomorrow."
    (Devil_In_Tights)
     
  * THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER - "The anthem of Tony
    Blair and New Labour's election victory of 1997.
    God, I can remember it now. Staying up, all night,
    watching the results come in. It wasn't a victory,
    it was a fucking massacre. After 18 years of Tory
    misrule we finally had kicked the bastards out
    of power and now it was *our* turn. We could
    reverse the Tories' destruction of our education
    system, we could reverse what they'd done to our
    heavy industries, steel, ship-building, engineering
    and mining. That night/morning- it was golden.
    Then look what happened..." (legless)
     
  * DOLPHINS - "Easter holidays, Anglesey. About 9
    years old, sharing a room with my ten year-old
    sister. About 5am, my Mum bursts into our room,
    shouting "Get up! Get up! You have to get up now!"
    We awaken, dazed, confused, totally unsure of
    what's going on, but my Mum is still there and
    insisting that we put on swimming costumes
    IMMEDIATELY because, "there are dolphins near the
    beach and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity
    to see them in North Wales!" She goes on to explain
    that she set her radio alarm wrongly, and woke up
    at 5am to a local news report that said they were
    there. Naturally, my sister and I are incredibly
    excited by this: people at school have seen dolphins,
    but we never have. We get changed and in less than
    five minutes we're out of the house with my Mum,
    running the half mile or so to the beach. When we
    get there, we run into the freezing cold water,
    looking for the dolphins. Strangely we can't find
    anything. We return to my mum, confused... to find
    her actually crying with laughter on the beach...
    It was April Fools Day. The worst part is that she
    still finds it hysterically funny, but it's been
    over ten years now and my sister and I have never
    quite recovered." (Completely Underwhelmed)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your tales of the supernatural and other
  unexplained phenomena. Talk to us here (through a
  medium if necessary):
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexplained/



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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Meat water <<
  We once day-dreamed of a product for tramps:
  alco-soup, a nourishing liquid dinner with the
  enlivening qualities of hard spirits. On a
  similar combo-themed tip comes Meat Water,
  ideal for busy people who want a roast lamb and
  hydration in one handy combo. WARNING: Spoof
  ahead.
http://dinnerinabottle.com/


  >> Ancient rude Sega ads <<
  Here's a history lesson for you, in the early
  90s Virgin Mastertronic used to handle the
  distribution for Sega and being a young UK
  company, placed a series of mucky ads in Viz.
  Wouldn't happen now. 
http://snipurl.com/segalols  [www_ukresistance_co_uk] 


  >> Sushi Art <<
  Your mum says don't play with your food, but
  these crafty Japanese types have done exactly
  that and proved her wrong with an avalanche of
  cuteness. Not sure what it tastes like but it
  looks wonderful. Much like a Russian prostitute.
http://www.toxel.com/inspiration/2008/05/30/incredible-sushi-art/


  >> Solve your tax problems <<
  The secret of being rich isn't anything to do
  with earning money, but about paying as little
  tax as possible. That's why the future belongs
  to printing your own fake receipts. BTW: An
  accountant recently told us about an author
  client of theirs that bought a boat to do
  "research into writing a book about boats",
  whizzed about on it for a year then declared
  the market too crowded for another boaty book.
  All tax deductible - HA!
http://www.customreceipt.com/index.php


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Lo-res lols for losers

  >> Best porn intro ever <<
  Beautiful young Hungarian lady comes to America
  to learn English - but look out for snakes!
  Hard to tell what's worse, the acting or the
  script. Or maybe some sort of magical alchemy
  of the two. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4pcY7GC4Ww
 

  >> The website is down <<
  Day in the life of a hapless techie becomes
  an escalating comedy of errors. Told through
  the snappy dialogue and shots of the poor guy's
  desktop. 
http://www.thewebsiteisdown.com/


  >> Sesame Street censored <<
  Unnecessary bleeps and blurring give a
  disturbing slant to the kids' TV favourite.
  Those puppets are really men's hands you know.
http://b3ta.com/links/Innocent_kids_TV_random_bleeps_Elmo_win


  >> Aussie Milk Run <<
  They drink a litre of milk, some food colouring
  and a squirt of lemon juice. Then they run and
  jump about until the stuff curdles and comes
  back up, creating beautiful, pukey patterns.
  Takes a while to get going - stick with it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aussie_Milk_Run


  >> Boxing cat <<
  Aww. This kitten thinks he's people. Or at
  least he thinks he can beat up people. Would be
  a cute TV ident for a sports channel.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boxing_cat


  >> Pedestrian crossing abuse <<
  A crowd of arty types lies in wait for cars at
  a zebra crossing - then parades across in an
  almost unending stream of funny costumes and
  wacky characters. The drivers seem to take it
  in good spirits though - perhaps it's because
  they're French.
http://snipurl.com/furryfrogs  [dailymotion_alice_it] 


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 

  * SERBO-COCK - always good to see a land-mass
  shaped like an engorged manhood complete with
  spunky spitting islands.  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siberian_Federal_District


  * BOYOS FROM I.T - they may be good at rugby,
  buggery and being short, but don't ask a leek
  enthusiast to fix your PC.
http://www.welshit.co.uk/


  * BEST NAME EVER - Afish shares, "As a copy
  editor of a large newspaper here, I see this
  name in stories almost every day - and it still
  makes me do a double take. Here's the link to
  the school district's web site with his contact
  information"
http://snipurl.com/fuckpenis  [www_coachella_k12_ca_us] 

  * CALLING ALL POO FANS - what will those dirty
  hippies think of next?
http://www.solartoilet.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Road Signs Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see road signs that told
  the literal truth.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES - We love horsies, best
  of all the animals (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8507816

  * THE ITALIAN JOB - You're only supposed to
  blow the bloody doors off (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8515425

  * HIDDEN DIP - does literally what it says on
  the jar (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8500474

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalroadsigns/


  >> New challenge: FAT BRITAIN <<
  People of Britain! You're getting fat! Our
  nation is in the grip of an obesity epidemic.
  How will our celebrities adjust to their
  growing girth? What will life be like when
  we're all massively overweight? Paint with
  porky pixels.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fat/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CORPORATE STATIONERY BRAGGING RIGHTS - a few
  of you lovely people shared your booty, we now
  have a Viagra pen, Rohypnol desk tidy and a
  Pukka Pies biro. Well done team.
http://snipurl.com/2pvkt  [www_flickr_com] 


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Doors

  You play Jim Morrison, looking for lizards in
  the desert. When you die, you get to play it
  again as Val Kilmer - and then as Ian Astbury.
  Sadly we're telling porkies, but still, this is
  a good game. 
http://www.kongregate.com/games/soapaintnice/open-doors


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PRANK YOKO ONO - Contact Yoko's people and
  say that you're representing a just-add-water
  curry product, find out what it costs to
  licence Lennon's Instant Karma. Sing the
  jingle down the phone, "Instant Korma's nearly
  ready.." Do the same with Sinitta's So Macho for
  turkey stuffing, "It's so Paxo!" All these
  people will sell out for a price. It's a series
  we tell you.
 
  * PUT MAYONNAISE ON FREECYCLE - and film the
  fatties who turn up to collect it. It's like
  honey to the bees. 

  * THE BOOZE PLAN DIET - 2 small bottles of beer
  for breakfast, vodka and tomato for lunch and a
  magnum champagne for dinner. How much alcohol
  should we drink to get our full 2200 calories
  per day?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Alzo, phix65, Friz
  4.1, ChaRleyTroniC, Cuthbert Annihilator,
  beaverwastemanagement and the lovely Paolo.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Leopards are not the only cat.
  
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  TOP TIP:

  It's Gay Pride this weekend so here's a tip
  straight from the cottage scene - when banging
  someone in a public loo put a carrier bag on
  each shoe. That way when someone comes round to
  check they'll look under the door and only see
  two feet and two bags of shopping. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/


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  SICKIPEDIA:

  Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on
  beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of
  Wimbledon. I mean have you looked at Dementieva?
  She's gorgeous. How Venus managed to concentrate
  on her tennis with an erection is beyond me.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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