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NEWSLETTER: "BEATEN INTO 6TH PLACE BY LABOUR"

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This Week:
* PAIN - Scotch eggs are the cure
* VID - Dancing Matt 2
* ANIM - Shatner's Common People 

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 334 - 27 Jun 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue334/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Like stupid shit?
 
  You'll probably hate this then. The future of
  creativity is here:
http://www.zooqoo.com

 
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Eggs, sport and offices. Woo hoo!

  >> Scotch egg pain relief <<
  Hangover? Depression? Period pain? Happytoast
  advocates the analgesic power of pork and egg.
  Nicely done, although the computer-generated
  woman's voice makes it a soupcon bad-trippy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nurofegg


  >> Olympic logo is awesome! <<
  The logo design for the 2012 London Olympics
  has caught its fair share of flak. Cap'n looks
  to set the record straight - everybody really
  loves it. And it has uncanny abilities to
  heal... or harm.  
http://www.b3ta.com/links/196920


  >> Office light sabre fight <<
  Blokeys mucking about in the office after hours
  discover real light sabres, kind of thing. We
  liked the naturalistic performances.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/199705


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Old People Speak Truths

  We wanted the sage advice you'd been handed down
  by previous generations. We've collected our
  favourite bits of advice below, shorn of all
  context for comic effect, so do read the full
  stories here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/

  Some of this stuff is remarkably specific:
  
    
  * "Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was
     growing up we weren't allowed to."
    
  * "Never look at your mum when she's eating
     a banana."
    
  * "If anyone in Brazil tries to mug you, kick
     them in the balls till they drop to the
     ground, then stamp on their throat."
    
  * "You learn something every day... and then
     forget it every night"
    
  * "Never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin."
  
  * "Our family are too handsome to fight. Leave
     that to the Uglies."
  
  * "Forget looks an' tits an' shite. All ya needs
     from life is a woman with a heart of gold and
     a fanny like a jar of worms."

  
  Also 'mon bison' warns, "don't listen to every bit
  of advice old people give you. I once believed
  what an old guy told me but it turns out he was
  lying: They WERE the droids we were looking for."

  
  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your biggest disappointments. Talk to
  us here if you can bear it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/disappointment/



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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Children's drawings recreated as photos <<
  Picture the scene: a four-year-old boy sitting
  in class sketching. His friend says, "What's that
  you are drawing? What are the small black
  triangles falling from the sky?" "It's raining
  vaginas." Just a suggestion for where this art
  project might like to go next.
http://snurl.com/yesverynicedear  [www_yeondoojung_com] 


  >> Could you live in a cupboard? <<
  Jay Shafer makes tiny houses -  the size of a
  small bedroom - and sells them in Ikea-style
  kits for you to live in. Cost? About £20k to
  you mate. 
http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/


  >> Best Photo of Toast Award 2008 <<
  Some dull story about building a super-toaster,
  but we love it for the long scrolly photo.
http://snurl.com/toastpiclol  [gizmodo_com] 


  >> Sing my ringtone <<
  Chavvy shit: a ringtone site that sings your
  name in an annoying, "Rob! Rob! Answer the
  phone" stylee. Um so why are we linking it?
  Made us laugh more than anything else this
  week. Really. Maybe we're broken.
http://www.singmyring.com/


  >> Ladybird police  <<
  Old gits will remember the Ladybird books  -
  designed for swots who actually wanted to know
  how things worked rather than just play Frogger
  and sniff glue. Here's the police one -
  rewritten for amusing lol internets fun time.
http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Because web people under 30 can't read

  >> Star Trek Common People <<
  The cartoon series Kirk and Spock paired up
  with big Bill Shatner's cover of the Pulp
  classic. Simple win.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/198509


  >> Return of Dancing Matt <<
  The erstwhile internet star returns to his
  globe-trotting, light fantastic-tripping ways.
  This vid has some impressive locations but what
  makes it so nice is all the other people
  joining in. It's like he's some sort of lovely
  ambassador, uniting the world through dancing
  like a twat. (We think it's advertising chewing
  gum btw)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Where_The_Hell_Is_Matt:2


  >> Escalator spin <<
  You can lie on the moving handrails of adjacent
  escalators and they'll rotate you round. Looks
  like a great way to liven up your next visit to
  a department store. Remember, it's all fun and
  games until someone gets caught in the gubbins.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Escalator_Spin


  >> Awesome rap sequence <<
  Vintage teen movie rates a guy's coolness by
  his ability to rap and breakdance, boy-band
  style. Standout line: "Look how funky he is!"
  We'd make some joke about the ridiculousness of
  some current teen fashion, but we're afraid it
  will have already become kitsch and quaint in
  the time it takes the email to reach you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_that


  >> Lion reunion <<
  Two blokes who raised a lion cub go visit him,
  now he has grown to adulthood in the wild.
  Brilliant soft rock soundtrack helped tug at
  our withered, dried-up heart strings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVNTdWbVBgc


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two cocks one tit

  * PM'S WIFE IN TWIN COCK SHOCKER - Sarah Brown
  always seemed a such a sensible lady, a
  refreshing change from letterbox gob Cherie
  Blair. But this jaunty jacket suggests at a
  darker side to the PM's wife - could she be
  wearing the trophies of a parliamentary spit
  roast?
http://snurl.com/brownwife  [www_imagehosting_gr] 


  * BOO BEE JUICE - This should contain milk but
  it looks like an even more toxic version of
  Sunny D. The name doubtless refers to the
  massive moobs your kiddies will be sprouting if
  they quaff too much of this sugary slop.
http://www.unibev.co.uk/1210/8456.html

  
  * PHALLIC LOGO #15741 - We're not sure why this
  painfully spiky-looking penis has been chosen
  to represent a new property development. Maybe
  the designers just cocked up?
http://www.a1-hi-country-condos.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to design a mascot
  for London 2012.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SOCK - about 1,000,000% better than whatever
  the official mascot will be. (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476332

  * SHAPE - whereas the official choice will
  probably look exactly like this (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8479199

  * QUO - b3ta favourites Rick and Francis return
  once again, this time in British red and blue
  (giraffen)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476681

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/


  >> New challenge: Literal Road Signs <<
  Imagine if road signs, instead of directing you
  or warning of expected hazards, told you
  precisely what was taking place at that
  particular moment. Then 'shop the results of
  your imagination. Challenge inspired by
  Virulent.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalroadsigns/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * RACIALISTS! - many of you wrote in to say our
  Who's Younger quiz confused Michael Jordan with
  Magic Johnson. Some of you even suggested
  this was racism rather than lack of interest in
  American sporting heroes. Although they both
  have bum-AIDS don't they?


  * B3TA VS NME - our old 'extending album art
  challenge' from last Christmas has been turning
  up absolutely everywhere. Including the NME who
  managed to plop each image onto a separate
  page and flog nine adverts per entry and that's
  not counting the advertorial. Kids - the NME is
  still cool yeah?
http://nme.com/photos/468/1/-extended-album-sleeves


  * INTRODUCING MONDAY REMEMBERED - nice to see
  that people haven't forgotten one of B3ta's
  earliest stunts.
http://www.daniweb.com/blogs/entry2691.html 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SEX-TAPE-O-TRON - since even Verne Troyer is
  getting in on the act (give us some mind-bleach
  please) what about making a little toy where
  you can upload your friend's/celeb's face onto a
  video thing and send it around? Maybe with a
  checkbox for a wanking monkey.


  * CORPORATE STATIONERY - when we go to a
  meeting with a big company we like to blag a
  bit of stationery as a trophy. OK, we've only
  done it twice, but with your help we can create
  something impressive.
http://snipurl.com/amazingpens  [www_flickr_com] 


  * JOHN LESLIE RAPE QUIZ - as the headline in
  the Evening Standard recently went. We gasped,
  "Surely that's a b3ta quiz?" 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Dai_Marzipan,
  hexachordal, philevans, newaer, jfulton, Ana
  Piresmarques, Manic, GoldenNinjaWarrior and
  cris69. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols from DogHorse. Secret bonus link:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_confuse_an_idiot

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  TOP TIP:
  Make your own budget boil in the bag cod in
  parsley sauce by simply scraping the
  bread-crumbs off a fish finger and slipping it
  inside a used condom. (Chewy)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Sex is like squaring numbers. If they're under
  16, just do them in your head.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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