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NEWSLETTER: "KNIFEUS EXPELIARMUS"

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This Week:
* USEFUL - Convert cm to elephants
* EVIL - Mobile phone in microwave
* FARTING - Like only Shatner can

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   "Now banned on the 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      London Underground"

B3ta email 330 - 30 May 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue330/

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  Sponsored linky that's not a linky

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  3 songs 1 cup

  >> Sensible units convertor <<
  "Today I am happy," beams Arf, "because, after
  lurking since 2005, I have something to
  contribute to b3ta: I made a website called
  SensibleUnits.com.  It converts boring units
  like metres or inches into sensible units like
  buses, elephants, Eiffel Towers and small
  intestines." An invaluable resource!
http://www.sensibleunits.com/


  >> Singin' in the Rain <<
  "Richard Cheese's wonderful lounge cover of
  Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, together
  over the immense foot tapping stylings of Gene
  Kelly," explains Joe Scaramanga. "For no other
  reason other than the fact it made my Friday
  afternoon go a bit quicker." Effortlessly cool.
http://b3ta.com/links/Gene_Kelly_vs_Garbage_vs_Richard_Cheese


  >> Slap-face song <<
  A win on two fronts from this music video by
  joseohernst. If you like the song 'Bottle of
  Wine' - win. If you don't like it, you get to
  see the singer slapped in the face over 120
  times - also win!
http://www.bottleofwine.org


  >> If Pickles Were Money <<
  "I made a video called 'If Pickles Were
  Money'," boasts Guy Bauer. "We actually invaded
  a parade in Red Bank, NJ to film it AND got on
  the front page of the local Sunday paper!" We
  watched and had to put it in. We were a bit
  scared not to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb9Yo198ZLM


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  I Quit!

  Last week we wanted to know what you've flounced
  out of. And whether all that effort worked:
http://b3ta.com/questions/quitters/

  * PRETEND SUICIDE - "I was young, hacked off,
    working in a call centre taking gas meter
    readings over the phone, and I'd decided to
    quit my job in style. We had a team meeting
    that morning in the car park, as our line
    manager was a chain smoker. Now the building
    itself was on a hill, looking out over the city,
    with a low wall at the edge of the car park,
    over which appeared to be a sheer drop of about
    100ft. Crucially it was slightly terraced, so
    there was only a 4-5ft immediate drop the other
    side. The pep-talk started as usual with our
    boss attempting to motivate us and taking it
    in turns to discuss any issues from the day
    before. At my turn, I screamed, "Sorry, but I
    can't take it any more, I really can't, I quit",
    ran across the car park like a demented,
    suicidal monkey, and hurled myself across
    the wall. There was a short stunned silence,
    followed by screaming, and then more screaming,
    and then plenty of crying. When I re-emerged,
    rather than being treated as a jolly prankster
    they overlooked my "resignation", sacked me
    immediately and escorted me from the premises.
    So yeah. Don't pretend to kill yourself at work
    kids. Not good." (mrgibbles)

  * BAD MONKEY - "An old girlfriend got fired from
    one of her first ever jobs for being late on
    a consistent basis. Of course being 18 at the
    time, she swore at the manager, told him what
    she thought of him and stormed off only to
    realise she had left her gym kit and some stuff
    in her locker. That lunch time she returned to
    find the locker empty. Asking around, she
    discovered that the manager had cleared her
    locker and taken her belongings into his office.
    Thinking he was out (and not caring if he was
    in) she burst into his office muttering, "where
    is my stuff?" only to find him behind his desk
    with her shorts wrapped around his cock going
    at himself like a maniac. Hearing her screaming
    with laughter, half the office ran in to find
    their manager standing up trying to stuff his
    boner back into his trousers whilst tangled in
    a pair of girl shorts. A footnote - he was
    transferred to another location and she was
    offered her job back. She declined and took a
    month's salary and a new gym kit." (DrTugnut2)
     
  * HE QUIT! - "My friend went on a first date on
    Saturday night with a guy she really, really
    likes. She was very nervous, but it all went
    swimmingly well. So well, in fact, that when
    they were walking romantically along Waterloo
    Bridge at the end of the night, he tipped her
    chin up, put his mouth on hers, cupped her face
    stroked her hair, and kissed her. She said it
    was a magical, amazing kiss: the lights of
    London spread out before them, stars twinkling,
    his mouth warm and firm on hers, knees buckling...
    Then, as they finished kissing, he pulled
    slightly away and looked deep into her eyes.
    And what was her response? Drawing in a ragged
    breath, heart pounding, she announced...
    "eeeees niiiiiiice!" in her best Borat voice.
    Why? Why?? She has absolutely no idea. All she
    knows is that he folded her into the next taxi
    and hasn't texted or called her yet." (rachelswipe)
     


  >> This Week's Question <<

  How bad is public transport? Let us know here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bankrupt office photography <<
  Annoying interface but worth sticking with this
  gallery of pics of abandoned office space.
  Little signs of life suddenly abandoned are
  quite affecting.
http://mrtoledano.com/frame_bankrupt.php


  >> 'Choose your own adventure' Pong <<
  The 70s arcade classic rendered so that you
  choose the direction of the flipper by moving
  from page to page of still images. Will appeal
  to nerds of a certain age. 
http://paperconsole.com/#


  >> Armour for cats <<
  Canadian artist Jeff de Boer fabricates period
  armour for both cats and mice. It's lovely
  stuff and comes in plate, mail and samurai
  flavours. There'll be an inter-species jousting
  tourney in b3ta's Italian sunken garden this
  afternoon.
http://jeffdeboer.com/Galleries/CatsandMice/tabid/77/Default.aspx


  >> Origami meat <<
  Simple but has a certain wtf factor; cut-out
  templates enabling you to make a juicy steak
  entirely from paper. Veggies - why not try it?
http://www.wombat.zaq.ne.jp/fare/steak.html


  >> Fail blog <<
  Mighty machine dedicated to showcasing the
  power of FAIL. This has been knocking around
  for a while but this week our resolve crumbled
  so we stuck it in.
http://failblog.org/


  >> Banner ad/gallery Firefox plug-in <<
  Really cute concept - this Firefox extension
  bins web page ads and replaces them with art
  from ongoing curated exhibitions. We have mixed
  feelings about it, as looking at the odd advert
  is the price you pay for a nicer internet. The
  web would be shitter without that little bit of
  extra funding.
http://add-art.org/


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: GENTLEMEN'S RELISH
  Sexy links to spluff to (NSFW)

  >> Girls in gags <<
  Extremely well-populated gallery of female film
  and TV stars with gags crudely photoshopped
  onto their faces. What really raises an eyebrow
  is the sheer, demented industry that's gone
  into assembling such a volume of stuff. 
http://www.dansdidnts.com/brit.html


  >> Bus stop knobs <<
  The crudely-drawn cocks on bus shelters are the
  new modern art, say these guys. And we agree.
  By the looks of things they have a book deal so
  you'll surely see these lavishly colourful
  willies gracing a coffee table near you. (And
  oddly links to B3ta at the bottom of the page,
  which is nice.)
http://www.busstopknobs.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  As filmed on our Polaroid Digital 320

  >> Mobile phone vs. microwave <<
  Blokey sticks his old phone in the cooker and
  unleashes pure, molten evil! Always ask an
  adult before trying this at home - and notice
  that he's sure to take the battery out first.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mobile_phone_in_microwave


  >> Trippy Alice mash-up <<
  Pretty bit of audio-visual sampling from
  Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Vaguely
  reminiscent of The Avalanches or Lemon Jelly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/190236


  >> Cats in things they shouldn't be <<
  Cats in bowls, in watering cans, on plates, in
  boxes; cats are awesome and this video shows
  it. Lovely footage here and a charming melody,
  marred only by a bit of clumsy photoshoppery a
  couple of minutes in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXefSGM6Bn4


  >> Star Trek flatulence <<
  We knew we'd have to put this in, even before
  seeing it. But this does not disappoint, as the
  Enterprise crew entertains with a variety of
  musical toots. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Flatulence_Win


  >> Narcoleptic cat <<
  Just what it says. Watch the unfortunate
  feline's head droop lower, then lower, lower.
  Bonk.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thejacksons/2346371386/


  >> Chris Martin v Ricky Gervais <<
  The Coldplay front-man takes a grilling from
  interviewer Gervais, trying to answer
  increasingly outlandish claims about his
  private life. This went out a while ago but
  well worth checking out.
http://b3ta.com/links/Chris_Martin_interviewed_by_Ricky_Gervais


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Quims, Arseholes, Nonces and Spunk

  * MAKE YOUR VAGINA FINER - "I frequently walk
  past this shop in Paris, but have yet to pop in
  for a quim trim." (Crazed Housewife)
http://snipurl.com/minge-binge  [www_flickr_com] 


  * GOASTE MARKETING - "I found that someone at
  Misco is a fan of everybody's favourite internet
  based colonic manipulator." (Ulic)
http://snipurl.com/misco-bum-disco  [www_misco_co_uk] 


  * ECOMMERCE FOR TOT-TICKLERS -  Only works if
  you pronounce the p, then the 'do' as dough,
  but still, brought a nasty, thin-lipped smile to
  Uncle B3ta. (veggiegoatdan)
http://www.pdostore.com/


  * ANYONE FOR LUNCH? - "They finally fixed
  the sign of this Birmingham arcade, after a
  good 6 months of it looking as pictured."
  (Nibbler)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/newfolder/2175172448/


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: RANDOM EMAILS 
  From possibly stoned B3tards

  Going through the postbag this week we found
  Goa604 who asked, "Been wondering, and asking
  people who I feel should know the answers but
  who unfortunately don't; would it be possible
  to run Tetris (or failing that Pong) on a dog's
  brain?" Seeing as we were quite pleased with
  our reply, here it is for your potential
  amusement: "Unfortunately, the visual display
  unit of a dog doesn't have sufficient
  resolution to make a playable version of
  Tetris. Although it does have a joystick and
  two fire buttons."


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - We asked for a game
  like this a while back. Lightguy responds,
  "There's actually a game in development for the
  Wii called Space Invaders Get Even, wherein you
  can control up to 300 of the aliens as you
  decimate cities and stuff like that." Looks
  mental:
http://snipurl.com/taito-mash  [kotaku_com] 


  SEXEY SCHOOL - "Nice work on featuring my old
  school in the funny name corner," chortles Pat.
  "What you donít know is that Gary Glitter lived
  just a mile away from our school for Sexey
  kids. I must say I did go into his house when
  I was about 12 and came out unscathed. But when
  the truth came out, a regular post-pub game was
  to stand outside his house singing 'Iím the
  PAEDA, Iím the PAEDA, Iím the PAEDA of the gang
  I am I am' until a light would go on. Needless
  to say the community didnít offer much support
  to a bankrupt kiddie fiddler, and the dirty old
  cunt moved out soon after."


  COIN STACKING I - "Me and a few mates play this
  occasionally," barks Mike Fishcake. "It really
  is very much fun indeed because it's like an
  impromptu game of KerPlunk. Stack a few coins
  up, then take it in turns to put coins on the
  top until they fall down. "We gave it the
  inexplicably offensive (but immaturely amusing)
  name 'Gay Conkers'."


  BEST SHOP SIGN - In a previous Funny Name
  Corner we featured a sale sign relating to the
  owner's impending divorce. hcr observes,
  "There's a chain of leather clothes shops in
  Edinburgh that ran the same idea to its logical
  conclusion - having had similar signs for about
  12 months, they changed them to 'Mrs X has won
  the divorce settlement. Please buy everything
  at these prices so that Mr X can afford the
  settlement payments'."


  COIN STACKING II - "Living in Ireland, I don't
  have 2ps, so I had to make do with 5cent
  pieces," shrugs fyggy before unveiling a vast,
  spare change monolith that puts our own puny
  columns to shame. It's also strong enough to
  pile shoes onto.
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y163/Sherang/phase2-1.jpg


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Two games? Ambassador, you're spoiling us!

  >> Spelling race << 
  Intended for kids but wasted on them. Spell
  words correctly and race live online against
  other webmongs. We're not 100% convinced it has
  the right spelling for everything but maybe
  that's a reflection on us rather than the game.
http://tutpup.com/plays/new/2-word-game


  >> The Debut Album Game <<
  A random wikipedia article for your band name,
  a random quote for your title and a random
  flickr pic for the album cover. Surprisingly
  compelling way to pass the time, particularly
  if you fancy yourself as something of a graphic
  designer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Your_Debut_Album


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RACIST NEWS QUIZ - Take quotes from Mein
  Kampf and The Daily Mail, and stick 'em into a
  lovely either/or quiz format. The internet will
  thank you.

  * LEGO CELEBRITIES - um, make lots of celebs
  from lego. We had a go with Sulu from Trek, but
  it came out a bit wrong.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2472711635/

  * REAL WORLD SMILIES - Paint your face like a
  lemony clown and smile and grimace for the
  world's amusement. The French might like it too.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  Daaaavid Stevenson. Spluff sent in by Avast,
  BadBadman, luvtub, rossanne hamilton, doctor_b,
  menthe, harestylenumber1, mike, iowaseven,
  kingscott1010 and _alex. Top Tippery already
  credited so we really shouldn't be mentioning
  it here. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Comment of the week: "At least she's not one of
  those London twatbags who wear hoods, call each
  other 'blood', and sit at the back of the bus
  playing hip hop or garage through a shitty
  little phone speaker...and pointing out the
  windows going 'shit man, check da feds', when
  it's a fucking traffic warden." (RussInLondon)
  SUBJLOLS: The Great Architect. MASTHEADLOLS:
  Manic.

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  TOP TIP:
  Party Poppers
  
  Spaceswitch suggests -

  1. Carefully remove cardboard end
  2. Remove all the stringy nice bits
  3. Replace with tomato ketchup or you own
     choice of kitchen/bathroom delights.
  4. Replace cardboard end
  5. Complete this on an entire box, and let
     loose on unsuspecting partygoers
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Got caught wanking by mum last night, really
  didn't expect her to wake up. All these years
  she thought she had conjunctivitis.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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