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NEWSLETTER: "IN A MOMENT OF MADNESS I TOOK SEXUAL ADVANTAGE OF THIS NEWSLETTER BUT I DIDN'T KILL IT."

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THIS WEEK KIDS IT'S:
* OMG - Coggy lols
* PICS - Rainbow puke
* CHALLENGE - Animal instruments whimsy

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Tearing your fragile
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   inbox open with our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   enormous link-cock."

B3ta email 314 - 08 Feb 2008 - Est 2001 (blimey)

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue314/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Weebl goes to Hollywood part III

  In the grand finale of Weebl's chocolate movie
  adventures, our egg-bound hero grapples with
  aliens. Don't leave your seat before the
  credits else you'll miss the best gag. Wonder
  if this will end up on the front page of Digg
  like the last one?
http://tinyurl.com/2bslsh


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We love you mister ad man - talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Punchlines, poos and some bloke called Tom

  >> Punchline Piracy <<
  Goodiebag Kirby continues his Jane Austen-like
  skewering of social convention, tackling
  head-on the awkward problem of 'punchline
  piracy'. Experienced raconteurs will
  immediately recognise what he's talking about.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/09_punchline_piracy.htm


  >> Crap Animation <<
  Disgustingly poo-themed animation from b3ta
  king of dismay Butters. Smooth jazz soundtrack,
  distressing imagery. Just to clarify btw, it's
  drawings of poo, not actual animated poo - not
  saying that we don't get sent that, of course.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_Crap_Animation


  >> Tom's Tales of Brilliance <<
  Animated glob of comedic fun that's eclectic
  even by our standards. Slightly overlong intro,
  sit tight though, as Scrambled Edd heats up the
  action. Inventive.
http://b3ta.com/links/Toms_Tales_of_Brilliance


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Stalked

  Last week we wanted to know if you'd been
  stalked or done some stalking yourself:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stalked/

  Serious subjects seem to bring out the
  long-but- worth-reading answers that are ruined
  by squeezing them into a tight-fitting
  newsletter. So here's three shorter, funny ones
  for you:

  * WELL, THEY SEEMED ALRIGHT - "We met a couple
  on holiday - he was a bit of a "fiveskin" but
  she seemed really pleasant. Good company. Until
  they started "joining" us in restaurants and
  bars, whether we liked it or not. Turned up
  everywhere we went, ate the same food, and
  drank the same beer. They'd keep us sunbeds,
  right beside them. "Where are we going
  tonight?", they wanted to know. We haven't
  decided yet. We'll wait in reception for you,
  then. Oh dear. We hung about in our room for
  hours, hoping they'd get fed up and go out by
  themselves. No such luck. After four hours,
  there they were, all gussied up for the night
  out. For the next ten days, everywhere we went,
  they were right behind us. We tried saying we
  fancied a quiet, romantic meal. For two. They
  still waited for us. Our tolerance lasted until
  the final night. Sitting at the table, nice
  meal inside us, a few beers have gone down.
  Then fiveskin asks his question. "Fancy coming
  back to our room for a foursome, then?" I
  choked on my beer, and couldn't say a word. Mr
  Witch had no such problem and suggested that
  they fuck right off. There and then. Before he
  got angry. We never saw them again. You may be
  wondering why we kept wanting to be alone and
  reacted with horror at the suggestion of a
  foursome. Aside from the fact that we don't
  share... This was our honeymoon!" (TheWeeWitch)
     
  * THE PIED PIPER OF STOCKPORT- "Tonight, I
  picked up my little girl from her school disco.
  The DJ had decided to finish with the conga: A
  big snake-line formed across the dance floor as
  all the little darlings follow the kiddie in
  front of them with the DJ leading them all. The
  DJ in his infinite wisdom decides to venture
  off the dance floor and weave his way all
  around the chairs, with ankle-biters still hot
  in pursuit.  Until... one little lad halfway
  down the line sees his Mum standing there with
  his coat, all ready to leave. He does what any
  4 year old does and runs over to his Mum, puts
  his coat on and follows her out of the door.
  What she didn't realise is that all the kids
  behind would keep on following. Cue absolute
  chaos as all the children leg it outside
  following the fabled Pied Piper of Stockport."
  (brocky)
     
  * I'M BEING STALKED BY A DOG - "A proper one
  with four legs and fur. I found her living
  rough and starving. I gave her some dog food,
  so she followed me home. I never let her in the
  house, but she refused to leave, just sitting
  in the garden staring at me through the glass
  door for days. It rained and she just sat there
  in the pouring rain, looking even more
  miserable. I'm a sucker for animals so had to
  let her in. She was overjoyed. The intention
  was to feed her up a bit and find a new home
  for her. Four months later, she isn't
  officially "my dog", but I am definitely her
  master whether I want to be or not. She refuses
  to let me out of her sight, being in the same
  house isn't enough, it has to be the same room.
  Even going for a crap means having to leave the
  door open. If I close it, she'll lean against
  it and make it rattle with her nervous
  shivering. I'm currently away on business:
  she's at my sisters house, and is spending all
  day lying on her blanket in a deep miserable
  sulk. Guess I'm stuck with her now.  (dave
  likes cheese)
http://snipurl.com/woofywoofter


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever compiled a collection of songs to express
  your feelings for someone? What happened when
  they got it? Did someone send you a bunch of
  crap music to make them seem more interesting?
  Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The evolution of tech company logos <<
  Interesting article showing some rather
  bizarrely clunky-looking corporate identity
  from companies we now associate with slickness.
  We particularly liked Canon's awesome original
  logo with a 1,000-armed bodhisattva surrounded
  by flames.
http://snipurl.com/bass-howlogocanugogo


  >> Mentalist business manual <<
  A lot of these books purport to have distilled
  the secret of achieving success. In a sense,
  this is no exception, being some 400 pages of
  "Work hard, keep going, focus" and variations
  thereof, in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of
  The Shining. Brr.
http://snipurl.com/keepclickingnextpage
  

  >> World map of Prince Philip gaffes <<
  Wonderful use of the Google Maps API to provide
  an interactive atlas of locations that the
  outspoken royal has stuck his foot in it. We
  must say, we have a soft spot for old Greeky
  and his penchant for enlivening dull social
  functions by insulting anybody nearby.
http://snipurl.com/hes-the-gaffer


  >> Rainbow puke <<
  Lots and lots of multicoloured art, inspired by
  the beautiful and poetical combination of
  rainbows and vomit.
http://www.rainbowpuke.com/


  >> Coggy lols <<
  This clockwork-motif poster for Manchester
  Metroshuttle warrants a second look. Just what
  are they trying to say about the service? Is
  this some sort of subversive marketing satire?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/156427


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Although we prefer betamax...

  >> Domino trick shot <<
  Initially, this doesn't look all that
  impressive - if you were allowed dominoes on a
  pool table we could be world champions by now -
  but the trick just keeps on going, long after
  you were expecting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XTGBOKqccw


  >> Fuck Planet Earth <<
  Trailer for the lavish David Attenborough
  nature-fest redubbed with the F-word. Sort of
  reminded us of Four Weddings and a Funeral,
  although we're fucked if we know why. Anyway,
  the photography's great!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_Planet_Earth


  >> 1,000-car computer game <<
  Surprisingly pretty race-game footage,
  superimposing images of 1,000 vehicles going
  round the track. They look a bit like water and
  it's quite restful.
http://b3ta.com/links/1000_cars_racing_at_the_same_time


  >> Facial flex <<
  Poor infomercial shills; the crap they have to
  put up with. This 'face gymnasium' takes the
  cake, with presenters having to fizz effusively
  while having their cheeks stretched in a
  peculiar manner. Good job they appear to have
  no sense of shame or embarrassment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facial_flex


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now featuring... 'I spotted a rudey'
  
  Jonnyfatman informs, "I was watching '1983:the
  brink of apocalypse' on More4 tonight and about
  70 minutes in it showed a soviet spy keying a
  'secret code' into his calculator. That code
  was...  55378008." Which, as all schoolboys
  know, is one of the best phrases to type in to
  a calculator, and here's the clippy on youtube
  if you're calling chinny reckon. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gfqe-TaVLoY


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Pylons Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to play around with
  pylons.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * AT-AT ACCIDENT - possibly the most voted-for
  challenge entry in the history of the galaxy
  (tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8017428

  * SOUP - a new twist on an old joke (The
  Neville)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8014820

  * SKIPPY - look a the little pylon, see him
  bounce (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8014540

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pylons/


  >> New challenge: Animal Instruments <<
  We love animals, and we love music. Can you
  imagine what a wonderful world it would be if
  one was used to produce the other? Show us the
  tuna trombone and the otter organ.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalinstruments/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * INSIDE-OUT TOYS, God_of_the_Mind blithers, 'A
  couple of issues ago you posted an article
  called "Mutant toys", with the inside-out teddy
  bears. Well I had a crack at it myself and took
  before and after pictures. Have a gander. The
  question begs, "Have I just ruined a perfectly
  good teddy bear?'
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/02/08/inside-out-toys/

  
  * FRUITY CUM - Senseless spluffs, "Was rifling
  through Friday's newsletter and 'came across'
  the 'fruity cum' response to the pineapple
  fingerprint fiasco.  Funnily enough, me and the
  missus recently did an experiment into the
  effect of various fruit on the taste of jizz,
  with frankly marvellous results. Mangoes: Give
  your man-milk a palatable tang. Oranges: No
  real change in my fruition, but they were
  tasty. Pineapples: Apparently, they lessened
  the taste!  Not fruitier, just less salty."


  * GLOW STICK MAN - as per last weeks request,
  Monty Boyce dribbles, "My prim and proper
  middle class mother delightedly showed me a
  Cerne Abbas Giant costume she'd made for a chap
  she works with - complete with flashing
  glow-in-the-dark cock."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svDfVyQBRac


  * ANOTHER SHITTY CONSOLE REVIEW - DR_A is back,
  and this time he's reviewing a Chintendo Vii -
  yep, you heard right.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chintendo_Vii_Review


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Spinning spike maze

  Simple but infuriatingly tough, in the way we
  like these things here: rotate the maze to
  guide a little ball to the exit. We liked the
  soundtrack too - full of the pathos inherent in
  being a tiny, spinning ball trapped in a black
  iron maze of doom. The first proper level after
  the tutorials end made us laugh with its crazy
  harditude. 
http://onemorelevel.com/game/spin_the_black_circle


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SLOW MOTION FILMS - we've just bought a
  Viewty phone. To be honest, as a phone it's too
  delicate for day to day use but it does have a
  120FPS film thingie on it. Surely there MUST be
  something interesting that B3tards can do with
  this? We would show you the video of newsletter
  co-writer Dave leaping about like a spaceman,
  but he's vetoed it, so here's a linky to Amazon
  to buy one instead.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000WFI8DE/b3ta-21

  * UNREAD POST - just looking around the house
  for random inspiration for this section and we
  notice a pile of letters that's building up -
  mostly to people who lived here years ago. What
  about starting a blog collecting peoples unread
  post? There's bound to be the odd gem, poignant
  letters from ignored family members, invites to
  long forgotten weddings etc. Could be the
  postsecret of 2008... 

  * THE WORLD'S BIGGEST CUP OF TEA - ask the
  local council if you can fill your swimming
  bath with tea bags? Gah, we're really scrapping
  the barrel now. Ok - *goes for walk about the
  house* -  what about seeing how much money you
  can get Adsense to pay out by making a flash
  game called Kitten Roulette? Apparently
  gambling sites pay very nicely for clickthrus. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob "I've got a hat"
  Manuel with  David "I have't" Stevenson. Stuff
  sent in by Mike Monaco, planearm, Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjectlinelols via
  Thor_sonofodin, and mastheadrofls via my other
  username is a porsche.

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  NOT TIP:
  "You know the funny smoked bacon and/or fishy
  smell that comes from dusty lights, radiators
  and stuff that's not been turned on in a while?
  Dust is mostly dead skin, so the smell is that
  of fresh-cooked human." (TechImp)


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
  Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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