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NEWSLETTER: "WRITERS STRIKE HITS NEWSLETTER: NO SUBJECT LINE THIS WEEK"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Celine Dion FTW, an unlikely B3ta hero
* GRAFFITI - Ads get stumped 
* QUESTION - Shoplifters of the world confess

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "Inserting our
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     Wolvertampon into
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  Birmingjam... together"

B3ta email 310 - 11 Jan 2008

Email has hurty finger? Mummy suggests Webolene
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue310/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Weebl & Bobís Sticky Ending

  Jontiís at it again with 3 specially
  commissioned weebl and bobs spoofing your
  favourite films. First up, Pulp Fiction. Check
  out Jules's spangly afro! Also, see if you can
  spot the special goo-ey guest?
http://tinyurl.com/2zzny5

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN "MAKING" THIS WEEK
  Cybersquatting, Dancey, 'Kidnapping' and Tony Hart

  >> Cybersquat scuffle <<
  "A bunch of evil mongers from
  claimthisdomain.com snapped up the .com
  version of my website (calloftheday.net),"
  snarls Dacovale. "They wanted me to fork out
  $257 for it. Instead, I snaffled
  claimthisdomain.co.uk and started making a
  noise on digg and beta. The result? They
  backed down - so thanks!"
http://calloftheday.net/?p=149


  >> Dancey dancey university tutor <<
  "I made an animation about a man named Gher
  who goes to Croatia," booms Aap. "This makes
  him and me very happy." Arguably the most
  joyful animation based on a teaching transfer
  from Illinois to Zagreb that you will have
  seen this year. His look of slightly gormless
  delight is a picture.
http://www.plasproductions.com/cartoons/gher.html


  >> Hot 'kidnap victim' was wrestler <<
  Crusader for truth Philip Knight brings up
  what he calls "a disturbing piece of
  journalistic inaccuracy." Basically, a couple
  of years ago the Associated Press ran a story
  about kidnappings in Mexico, accompanied with
  a picture of a bound woman being rescued from
  a car boot. Turns out the woman was actually
  wrestler Joy Giovanni doing a stunt. Philip is
  demanding the mistake be addressed, largely,
  we feel, because he spent so long feeling
  guilty for fancying a kidnap victim. Details
  here:
http://mgfgtg.blog.co.uk/2008/01/05/correction~3530480


  >> Give Tony Hart an honour <<
  "The lovely Tony Hart would appear to have
  missed out on a gong this time," moans god
  save the queen. "I don't know how these things
  work but I'm hoping if enough signatures get
  added to this petition, he'll get put forward
  for the next great gong give-away." Normally
  we don't hold with online petitions but the
  subject of this one is close to our hearts.
  Also, he at least gave us an interview a while
  back - not like that Mr. Splashypants whale...
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/tonyhart/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Cheap Tat

  All the crap you've bought because it was
  cheap. There's even lots of lovely photos to
  look at if you don't like words:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cheaptat/

  
  * JAMES BOND WATCH - "I bought a watch in
  Bangkok that was also a lighter. You pressed
  the bezel and a flame came out of the top of
  the dial. I was pretty smug until a girl came
  over and asked me for a light. I managed to
  give myself an almighty electric shock and
  burn her fringe with a giant flame at the same
  time." (browser)
     
  * SHOCKERS - "Working on a big outdoor arts
  event in Birmingham, about 15 years ago, I set
  out to find some lunch for my crew. It was
  Sunday and everywhere around the site was
  shut. Kept looking and finally found a little
  corner shop open. All I could get my hands on
  was a sorry assortment of biscuits, sweets and
  crisps. All were mysterious crap brands. One
  thing that caught my eye was packets of
  'Shockers': "Four liquorice flavour gum-balls,
  which one's the shocker?" Bought a packet each
  for dessert. Back at base, after our hearty
  meal, the game of Gum-ball Russian Roulette
  begins... Taking it in turns to chomp on the
  gum-balls, we speculate on what the shock
  might be? Could it maybe be really hot? Or
  really sour? Oh hang on, has it made my tongue
  blue? Three gum-balls gone, one left in the
  packet and so far no shocks. I bite into it
  and immediately start to retch uncontrollably.
  Squinting at the packet I discover that the
  mystery ingredient is... Ammonia. Like biting
  into one of the bleach blocks you get in
  urinals. Well I have to confess I didn't see
  that coming, that was indeed quite a shock.
  Never saw them on the shelves again either."
  (lankygingerfool)
     
  * CAN OPENER: "At the beginning of my first
  year of Uni, I thought to myself (wisely), "I
  should buy a can opener." Off I went to the
  nearby Tesco, and spotted a fairly
  functional-looking one, all metal, probably
  sturdy, only a 'Tesco Value' item because it
  was so no-frills and had such uncomfortable
  handles. I got it home and couldn't for the
  life of me open a can with it. I tried it
  every way up and every way round, but neither
  I nor anybody else could get it to work as its
  business end had been made the wrong shape to
  grip a can. It was a can't opener." (Slurpy
  The Frog)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your confessions of shoplifting.
  Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shoplifting/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Microsoft for kids <<
  Gates groupies will remember Microsoft Bob,
  the Windows operating system that was voted
  the worst product of the decade by CNET.com. 
  Presumably from a similar initiative to 'speak
  to kids' comes this book explaining home
  servers to children. We can only conclude that
  Microsoft has a department staffed by the
  incurably twee.
http://gizmodo.com/photogallery/microserveces08/


  >> Face-swap application <<
  Lovers of photoshop challenges held by our
  down-market competitors will be familiar with
  the head-swap - i.e. take a photo of Jordan
  and Peter Andre and swap their faces. Now,
  thanks to patented internet magic, you too can
  produce such heady visual extravaganza without
  any basic photoshop skills. What next? A web
  app to add purple cocks and fluffy kittens?
http://www.hairmixer.com/


  >> Over-enthusiastic toasting <<
  In what 'Pub Monthly' is calling "action shot
  of the year", comes this fortuitously-timed
  snap of a beer glass smashing into pieces as a
  result of drunken exuberance. 
http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=2151717824&size=l


  >> Headless graffiti <<
  Renegade artist The Decapitator removes the
  heads from models used in advertising posters,
  replacing them with ghastly, gory stumps. This
  pisses on Banksy. We say give the man a Turner
  Prize. Or a lollipop.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_decapitator/


  >> Wheelchair with tank tracks <<
  Stephen Hawking! Worried you go off-road
  without your wheelchair getting bogged down in
  muck? Help is at hand with the tank chair. No
  reasons for scrounging cripples not to do
  their best for Queen and Country now.
http://www.tankchair.com/default.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Kitten attacks camera

  One of the many endearing things about kittens
  is the immense differential between their
  ambitions and their actual ability to hurt
  things. This poor little mite probably wound
  up with a bruised nose, but it does look
  spectacular on a bigger screen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prepare_to_die


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  

  >> We *heart* Celine Dion <<
  Who knew that cheesy torch-song merchant
  Celine was so mental - and so amusing. Not
  sure whether we're laughing with her or at
  her, but you can't help but smile at this
  collection of her finest moments. And like
  Tesla, she also conducts lightning. 
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=zQrcNujVTPA&eurl=


  >> Props to David Lynch << 
  There's no doubt the iPhone is this year's
  techie status symbol - but respect to the
  director of such cinematic classics as
  Mulholland Drive for daring to remove the
  Emperor's new clothes and asking why anyone in
  their right mind would want to watch a
  two-hour movie on a screen the size of a tin
  of pilchards. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/David_lynchs_take_on_watching_movies_on_an_iPhone


  >> Technical tricks behind the vids <<
  One of the joys of watching web virals is,
  once you've established they are fake, trying
  to work out how the trickery was done. Nice
  overview on some of the dark arts here.
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=CaptainDisillusion


  >> Paper plane longest flight <<
  Once we dropped a paper plane from a ski-lift
  in Bulgaria, 100s of feet in the air and we
  watched it spiral downwards for a good 5
  minutes, transfixed in a small gay moment of
  wonder, like the plastic bag scene in American
  Beauty. Nice to see something similar captured
  here.
http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/01/01


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Movie Letter Switch

  Last week we challenged you to switch a letter
  from a movie title and show us the poster.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * LOLTERGEIST - internet meme clashes with
  classic horror to devastating effect
  (pineapplecharm)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7914510

  * RAVING PRIVATE RYAN - get your glo-sticks
  out, we've some bangin' anthems from the
  Normandy Massive (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7925173

  * GOOD MOANING VIETNAM - the sequel to Robin
  Williams' 'Nam classic wasn't quite as
  well-received in America (The amazing monkey
  boy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7916427

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movieletterswitch/


  >> New challenge: Crabs! <<
  It's another of b3ta's occasional one-word
  challenges: feel free to do whatever the hell
  you like, as long as it's tied together by our
  chosen theme - CRABS! (challenge suggested by
  McBadger)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/crabs/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TEASING THE CAT WITH A HELICOPTER "may sound
  like fun," warns James Mac. "But I pestered
  the dog with a remote-control plane, flying it
  over her head and thinking I was really
  clever. Until she jumped up, grabbed it and
  shook it in her mouth to 'kill' it. It did not
  survive."


  * THE RUSSIAN NON-PHOTOSHOP SITE that we
  featured a wee while back is called
  pizdaus.com. B3tard Feanor writes to tell us
  that, according to no less an authority than
  his new room-mate, the word 'pizdaus' is
  actually Russian for 'cunt'. Charming!


  * EARLY 90s SPAM - Thanks to the ever-fragrant
  chthonic for this lovely picture of some early
  90s spam. It was a more innocent time, wasn't
  it?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chthonic/2175165703/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HOME SURVIVALIST - stop leaving the house,
  we mean NOW, right this instant, how long
  could you survive using only the items in your
  home. And no cheating and phoning Tesco for
  some pies.

  * HOW TO PLAN A MASS MURDER WITHOUT GUNS -
  after reading 'We Need To Talk About Kevin'
  we've recently been considering mass murder,
  but are a bit constrained by the
  unavailability of guns in the UK. Don't email
  in unless you've got a fool-proof plan -
  "drive a bus into a crowd" or "blow up a gas
  main" isn't really what we're after.

  * BICYCLE BELL ORCHESTRA - recently in a bike
  shop we noticed the bells were tuned to
  different notes. We briefly imagined a whole
  bike team playing say Queens I Want To Ride My
  Bicycle, preferably by naked ladies.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  John_Anon_Prince, Spunky 'Spinky Bickpick'
  Backpack, MrGomez, Gratch, SleeplessAndy.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subject-line via The Great Architect. Yays to
  b4ta. 
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Poaching eggs - since writing our "how to
  poach an egg" feature over two years ago,
  we've received emails on the subject literally
  on a daily basis. Here's the first one that is
  actually worth sharing with you lot.
  ChowhoundTV writes, "Spray a small custard cup
  with olive oil, crack the egg into it,
  microwave on high for 45 seconds, slide the
  cooked egg out onto a crunchy piece of toast
  or English muffin." 


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  What does a ginger miss most about parties?
  The invitation. (And the sadness it brings
  your fearless red-haired leader, to reprint
  this joke.)
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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