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NEWSLETTER: "THE FAVOURITE READ OF THE TAPAS BAR NINE"

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This Week:
* TRIP - B3ta visits Imperial War Museum
* QUESTION - Abusing freebies
* OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE - Another lolcats gag

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "The newsletter 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      formally knows  
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       as... Prince"

B3ta email 207 - 9 Nov 2007

Safari... So goody:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue302/

     German Beer:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Fosters:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Five way b3ta peeps linky spaz action
  
  >> Newsletter team VS. Tanks <<
  Your Ginger Moses and his put-upon amanuensis, 
  Davealina have taken a day off from panning for
  linky gold in the cyber-sewage farm and took a
  visit to the Imperial War Museum. It's a bit
  "what we did in our holidays" but if you have a
  high tolerance for mediocrity then you'll be as
  happy as a pig in a moderate quality of
  slightly dry shit.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/imperialwarmuseum/


  >> Internet love song <<
  Hexachordal has been singing about the web, so
  if you want a song with lyrics "lol rofl lmao
  omg" then you've come the right place.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Internet_Love_Song


  >> Celebrity puns <<
  Giant_squid has glued together all the worst
  'Wesley Snipes' nominative determinist
  celebrity gags into song form. Blimey, the
  sheer pun density is exhausting.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Wesley_Snipes_Song


  >> LOLinator: i can haz websiet? <<
  Malevole - best known for his 'Programming
  Language Inventor or Serial Killer?' quiz has
  resurrected his viral schmiral skills from the
  grave and asks you to, "Take a peek into an
  alternate universe where LOLcats created the
  web." Basically you type in a web address and
  it fills up with kittens.
http://lolinator.com/


  >> Veitch sings about his cock <<
  Our theory with Joel is that he's always better
  when he's just being disgusting. For example,
  singing about his mostly impressive cock and
  ball combination. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Donkey_Song


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Stupid Dares

  Last week we wanted to see just how stupid your
  friends were:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/

  * "If you're walking home from the pub, drunk
  and your mate dares you to run over the next
  parked car you see, don't do it. It might have
  a full length Webasto sunroof. You might go
  right through said roof. You might snap your
  ankle as it hits the steering wheel on the way
  in. You might end up buying an unfeasibly
  expensive roof to replace the one you wrecked.
  But worst of all, the nurse that treats you at
  the hospital for your broken ankle, while your
  details are being taken down by a policeman,
  might, JUST MIGHT be your girlfriend's mum.
  Bugger." (Cmpod83)
     
  * "Saturday afternoon in the pub as a student
  and after one drink and a pickled egg, I was
  skint. So my friends clubbed together and
  offered me 20 pounds if I ate the rest of the
  pickled eggs in the jar. There were 19 more
  eggs. We asked the barmaid to line them up on
  the bar in shot glasses. We'd attracted quite a
  crowd of locals by now, so there was no going
  back. Egg 1 was fine; I like pickled eggs; this
  was going to be a breeze. Egg 2 still good. By
  egg 4, the dry yolk texture was beginning to
  dry my mouth out and the rubbery white was
  making me feel ill. By egg 12, the crowd had
  subsided, people had lost interest as this was
  taking some time! Egg 19 finally came and I
  quietly collected my money and went off to the
  toilet to be sick. It turns out that after 20
  pickled eggs, it's quite hard to be sick. So I
  spent the rest of the evening feeling really
  rough and the money I had earned for more
  drinks was useless. I didn't poo for a week and
  when I did, it was like two coke cans placed on
  top of each other. I had to get a stick from
  the garden to help it through the u-bend."
  (Wildyles)
     
  * "A friend of mine was on the University of
  Buffalo football team as a corner back. On
  their way to the bars, he and his team-mates
  would pass by the University Security building.
  One night they noticed that the sign for the
  Security office was a sheet of plywood mounted
  on two posts at either end. So one of them ran
  like hell and leapt feet first at it.
  Splintered plywood flew everywhere, and they
  all laughed as they legged it out of there. The
  following week a new sign was made and
  installed, and again the guy launched himself
  through it. The same performance occurred the
  following week as well. The week after that
  they saw the nice brand-new sign, and his
  team-mates dared him to break that one as well.
  The guy let out a mighty scream and ran at it
  full tilt, flying feet first through the air.
  You know how Wile E. Coyote runs face first
  into something and then just kinda drops?
  SPANG! *thud* They had replaced the wooden sign
  with a rather thick sheet of aluminum." (The
  Resident Loon)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  When offered free stuff, some people just don't
  know where to stop. We think you lot are
  probably those sorts of people. Just how far
  have you taken it?
http://b3ta.com/questions/abusingfreebies/


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: SHITES IN BRIEFS
  Stuff we grudgingly like from non-b3ta scumbags 

  >> Album cover montage <<
  Enjoyed these 'make new images from old' by
  placing album covers together. Imaginative,
  simple, and doesn't cheat with photoshop.
http://www.afhakers.nl/media.asp?x=7995


  >> Crap computer games compo <<
  Pacman the text adventure is doing the rounds
  this week, and annoys us slightly as the joke
  has been done a million times before, most
  notably by the Crap Computer Games people, who
  run a compo every year to make the worst 8-bit
  game. Being hardcore, they make you install an
  emulator before you can play them, which means
  99% of the audience for this brilliant stuff is
  lost. But fuck it, we're linking it anyway. 
http://www.unsatisfactorysoftware.co.uk/csscgc/csscgc.cgi?rank=1


  >> Hello Kitty Bank Account <<
  "Would you like a Hello Kitty bank account?"
  enquires Jake. Actually, what we'd really like
  would be to print our own designs on debit
  cards. We've racked our brain to think of the
  worst thing, goatse, the image of another
  credit card, but for sheer potential annoyance
  we like the idea of prominently marking it
  "cancelled, do not accept". 
http://www.dahsing.com.hk/dsb/rbd/html/iac_pink_e.htm


  >> Lottery scratch card thicko confusion <<
  We don't normally cover news stories, but
  everybody likes a good chortle at the clueless.
  A National Lottery scratchcard game has had to
  withdrawn, due to people not understanding the
  concept of negative numbers. 
http://snipurl.com/stupidgets


  >> Poor hamster <<
  Cute song listing all of the unfortunate fates
  that could befall your tiny rodent chum. We can
  all thank god that there, but for a quirk of
  evolution, could be us.
http://poorhamster.ytmnd.com/


  >> Jimmy Carter: cat murderer <<
  Actual archival evidence showing a peculiar
  side to the ex-US president. To be fair, he
  didn't intentionally kill it; "I fired from
  some distance with bird shot". And this man had
  his finger on the nukes button! Gah!
http://emptyage.honan.net/mth/2007/11/jimmy-carter-he.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like VHS but without the rewinding
  
  >> 2 girls 1 cup love song <<
  Musical tribute to the ubiquitous lesbian poop
  & puke site. The video's made funnier by the
  pretty-boy singer/songwriter's, dare we say it,
  po-faced attitude to the subject matter.
http://snipurl.com/alovesong


  >> Rocky in five seconds <<
  Extremely brief re-edit of the entire Rocky
  canon, saying all that needs to be said. The
  bloke who did it has a fair few vids up on
  YouTube; some real gems among them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rocky_in_5_seconds


  >> Manchester News <<
  We can't but fear this comedy sketch dates back
  to the Nineties, but that doesn't make us love
  it any less. A news crew canvases opinion from
  the 'mad for it' denizens of Manchester. Freaky
  dancing ensues.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Manchester_News


  >> Writers' Guild strike explained <<
  We've been seeing quite a bit about this
  lately, largely as the reason some of our
  favourite shows have been delayed. This promo
  explains the writers' case succinctly and
  convincingly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Writers_Guild_Strike_explained


  >> Unnecessary censorship <<
  Great idea: censoring innocent TV clips to
  create the impression of naughty concealed
  goings-on. A little long, so your mileage may
  vary.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/unnecessary_censorship2


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two-hole vagina acronym special
  
  * TWAT - Props to the dolts at Sony for giving
  a leather carrying-case the product code,
  TWA/T. "Draw envious looks when you carry your
  Cyber-twat" or something like that.
http://snipurl.com/wizardssleeve


  * CuNT - When English isn't your first
  language, you need to take extra care in
  creating acronyms:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/09/nanotube_acronyms/


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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
  Rubbish t-shirt backlash controversy 

  Lives.ruined writes, "I really don't want to
  believe you've made a post-modern gag t-shirt
  out of the activities of someone who raped
  children. This is beneath even Nathan Barley
  territory." Ho hum, the problem is that telling
  us off only makes our behaviour worse. So here
  you go, this is for you Mr Lives.ruined, it's
  the same crap gag, Mr Swirly, but this time, on
  some tits with the stunning pun, "Do you want
  to see some puppies?"
http://snipurl.com/puppies_puppies_pups


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Robots Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see all things 
  Robotic.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * STRIDING - slightly ominous hot robot action.
  Look at the little fellow go! (bloop)

  * K9 - it's unbelievable what Dr Who's pooch
  gets up to when no-one's looking (HappyToast)

  * ROBOCOP - rare footage from Tiananmen Square
  shows what the Chinese Government didn't want
  you to see (FoldsFive)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/one-word-robots/


  >> New challenge: Prince <<
  Midget pop mentalist Prince is threatening to
  sue his fans for breach of copyright for using
  his image on fan-sites. So fire up Photoshop
  and give the odious little twerp something to
  complain about. Challenge suggested by The
  Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prince/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  FART IN THE DUCK TAKES OFF - "Word up," pipes
  CCC. "It's gone quite mad, following your
  mention of my phonetically-translated Dutch
  song in the newsletter. Just for your ref -
  some Yankees have even performed it..." FYI the
  cover version is at the start of the vid - the
  rest is bluegrass music which you are invited
  to enjoy or disregard according to personal
  preference.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWonMm13HTA


  HOW LONG CAN A PENCIL WRITE? Is a question we
  asked last week. Trintrin responds, "It's
  somewhere around 30 to 35 miles, depending on
  the pressure with which you draw your line. I
  have nothing to back this up except that I read
  it somewhere on two different occasions. That's
  good enough, yes?" Hell yes! Who are we to
  doubt your word?


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Blocked out!

  50 levels of red-hot gaming action, provided
  your definition of 'red-hot' tallies with ours.
  Move the brown block to the end of the maze,
  with rebounds from the side walls being your
  only means of manoeuvring. A low-key puzzler
  that gets quite challenging as you ratchet up
  the levels.
http://www.addictinggames.com/blockout.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FIZZY PISS - Krang enquires, "Following on
  from your 'different food make your wee
  smell/look different' newsletter discussions, I
  think I may have made a new discovery. I have
  been drinking a lot of carbonated water
  recently and I think it makes my wee come
  out...fizzy! Does anyone know if this is
  possible?"
  

  * IS IT LEGAL? WIKI - let's put lawyers out of
  their jobs by replacing them with a publicly
  written wiki. OK, maybe not, but we'd really
  like a site that answered our occasional legal
  queries in simple plain English.


  * RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS CALIFORNICATION
  PORTMANTEAU GAME - the rules: Make a word that
  starts with a place-name and ends with a sexual
  act. Examples include Wolverhamptongue
  sandwich, Hackney trembler, Haringey Sex and
  Tower Hamlets do it in the road. Can you beat
  us?

  Send missives via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us. The judges' solution
  is final


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  Mythbusters:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Brainiac:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tom, Newington,
  Jake, Curis, Bassie999, and all those other
  peeps. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Troptrip from ziderman2001.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Add friends to
  b4ta. (49) Newsletter subject-line from Emvee,
  other bits from The Great Architect (twice) and
  sibod.

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  TOP TIP:
  When trying to impress girls on the web, via
  bluetooth or dating agency, simply take a
  digital photo of your erect cock next to one of
  those airline-size cans of coke. It is much
  less contentious than getting a small child to
  hold it. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  What's the difference between Heather Mills and
  your car? You don't burst out laughing whenever
  your car has a breakdown.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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