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This Week:
* MENTAL - Cyriak does it again
* QUESTION - Your stupidest dares
* VIDEO - At home with Henry Rollins

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're looking up   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   procrastination...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     on Wikipedia"

B3ta weemail 301 - 2 Nov 2007

Run our fingers through your browser hair:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue301/

Sisters of Mercy:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   The Mission:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cyriak, cartoons and shitty 

  >> Mutated moo <<
  We know it's a cliché to look at b3tards'
  animation and say they are wrong in the head -
  but Cyriak is. He's. Wrong. In. The. Head.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MOO


  >> Cartoonist v cartoonist blog <<
  B3tard cartoonists extraordinaire Bigeyedeer
  and Seemikedraw run a blog where they pick a
  random word as a theme then try to outdo each
  other's comic efforts. It's good stuff and, as
  it links off to their individual sites, should
  keep you supplied with wry chuckles for a not
  insignificant whiles.
http://pencilsatdawn.wordpress.com/


  >> 'Polystation 3' review <<
  Dr. Ashen returns with another scathing review
  of some gaming tat he bought off the market.
  It's incredible that games haven't advanced a
  jot from the distant days of our childhood, but
  the casings have been redesigned to mimic
  whatever console is currently hot. Who are they
  trying to fool? Have they succeeded? 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PolyStation_3_review


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Expensive Mistakes

  We wanted to know the most expensive mistake
  you've ever made:
http://b3ta.com/questions/expensivemistakes/

  Chart Cat's wonderful story of a banking
  fuck-up that almost caused the Euro to be
  devalued and cost the bank in question $100
  million in fines is far too long to quote here,
  so here's some shorter entries of money down
  the plughole:

  * DIRTY FUCKING SCUM CUNTS - "For legal
  reasons, and cos I'm still a bit scared, I
  can't name anyone involved, but I used to work
  for a company making cheat code devices for
  consoles. I made stand alone cheat/update
  discs. For a new football game this involved
  correcting all the team names, player names,
  badges, etc. For fun, I substituted 'Dirty
  Fucking Scum Cunts' for the team name on one of
  the badges. By the time it was flattened to a
  low res bitmap it was unreadable. We had a good
  laugh about this. The disc sold very well
  across Europe until two weeks later. An 8 year
  old had zoomed in on it. The boy wasn't sure
  what it said, but his Dad had a much better
  idea... The press started phoning us asking for
  questions. The football club started phoning us
  threatening legal action. The product had to be
  recalled, re-mastered and re-issued at an
  estimated cost of a quarter of a million
  pounds. FIFA got involved and were rather
  upset, as were a large video games company,
  who'd paid a lot of money for exclusive rights
  to team names. I was asked to leave (they
  insisted really). Fascists." (The Louce)
     
  * STAMP LIGHTS STAMP LIGHTS FLAMES - "When I
  was about four, my favourite toy was this
  walking robot. It stood a tall 10 inches  and
  had a light display in its chest. When it was
  powered up by some batteries, it would march
  forward, stop, then do this light display and
  then repeat the process. 'Twas not gifted with
  great variety, but it made a lot of noise and
  looked cool. One day, the batteries run out:
  cool robot becomes quiet plastic statue to the
  4 year old. Obviously the 4 year old wants this
  resolved, so I bring this to the attention of
  my father. This was my expensive mistake. He
  has a look around, but can't find any
  batteries. So he decided to improvise. He
  opened up the battery compartment and connected
  a spare CAR BATTERY. STAMP STAMP STAMP LIGHTS
  STAMP SMOKE STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP FLAMES
  STAMP LIGHTS LIGHTS FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES... Dad
  disconnected the car battery. It was too late.
  The robot had run straight into a wall and was
  burning itself into the skirting, a lump of
  disfigured toy with the smell of plastic death
  emanating from it. I loved that toy." (Jeccy)
     
  * MR ZIPPAH DE DOO DAH - "I used to work for a
  software house making bespoke systems for
  councils. These were nice little earners,
  25-75k/year, so we would work hard at getting
  everything *just so* for that all important
  first sales pitch in front of the great and the
  good of the council. So we are all set up and
  ready for a demo. The system is hooked up to a
  Barco in glorious Gianto-Vision, very important
  so that everyone can read all the words. The
  first of the dummy records is called up, and an
  audible gasp comes from the audience. It would
  appear that our rather unreconstructed
  Directory of Marketing has decided to key some
  test data into the system, so the first person
  in the database is: "Mr Zippah De Doo Dah, 10
  Am Dat Wate'melon Street, Blacksville, Darkie
  Town." He'd been busy because the next few
  were, shall we say, similar in tone. Oddly, we
  didn't get that contract." (The Fifth Elephant)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your stupidest dares. 
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/


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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
  Swirly Face Man
  
  Celebrating everyone's favourite paedophile,
  comes our Swirly Face t-shirt. Ideal for
  childrens, new ravers and those not blessed
  with the skills to fully understand the
  implications of photoshop filters.
http://snipurl.com/swirlyfacemantshirt


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Sleeve note reviews <<
  We know the record industry doesn't need our
  sympathy, but we were recently struck that with
  the advent of MP3s and iPods that we hadn't
  really noticed any album art in years.  Despite
  the world looking the other way, there's still
  some fantastic work going on in this area, as
  evidenced by this enjoyable blog.
http://sleevage.com/wiley-playtime-is-over/


  >> The art of sharpening pencils <<
  There can a great deal of pleasure to be had
  from a minutely-detailed explanation of some
  mundane activity. This guy enthusiastically
  outlines the various methods and styles of
  pencil sharpening - and makes it interesting!
http://matthewjamestaylor.com/blog/the-art-of-sharpening-pencils


  >> Wolverhampton ring road tramp <<
  "Being from Wolverhampton", suggests
  fizzyorguk, "Rob must have been saddened to
  hear of the tragic passing of Fred the ring
  road tramp, Wolverhampton's only real
  celebrity.  How about an Elton John style b3ta
  tribute, 'good bye England's tramp...'" Hmm, we
  can't promise you that, but we do suggest that
  you re-read this classic B3ta QOTW on local
  nutters that was directly inspired by our old
  friend, Josef Stawinoga.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/  


  >> Joss Whedon new TV show <<
  Small whoops of nervous joy have been heard in
  B3ta HQ at the news that Buffy creator Joss
  Whedon is returning to his true home,
  television, with a new show. Fingers crossed it
  won't get cancelled or flop like his last few
  projects.
http://snipurl.com/pleasebegood


  >> Disturbing Halloween costume <<
  Most people go to Halloween parties dressed as
  a cat, pirate, The Crow or a vampire. The idea
  is, you can still look cool and, if so
  inclined, pull. Then there are people who go to
  extra lengths to express their weird
  creativity. Kind of NSFW, this. 
http://snipurl.com/dontclickthisnsfw


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH

  There is nothing cute left in the world. It's
  all gone black. Will the last one out of the
  room please turn off the lights.

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  
  Despite most comments on YouTube being
  completely useless, we were heartened recently
  to spot one saying "nobody makes your breath
  stink of cock, like batchelors bell end soup."
  So huzzah for that and on with the show.
  
  >> How to hide your stash <<
  Ex-policemen explains (at length) how to avoid
  getting caught while transporting drugs. It's
  interesting stuff, although he has a tendency
  to belabour the point. Then again, he is trying
  to teach this stuff to stoners...
http://snipurl.com/omgzdrugslols


  >> At home with Henry Rollins <<
  Some good-natured mucking about with a
  camcorder at the home of the legendary punk
  frontman. Not sure if it's his missus or a PA
  behind the camera. That said, he still snaps
  into scary pretty easily. The freezer is the
  best bit. He's an odd bloke - we want more.
http://21361.com/website/COTM/nov07.html


  >> Cat cutlery <<
  The key phrase here is "after her children left
  home"; this woman trained her cat to eat with
  cutlery so that it could dine at the table with
  her and her hapless husband. She must have been
  quite extraordinarily bored. Anyway, now she
  believes that cat would like to be in films and
  to meet Tiger Woods. Hmm. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkUdDdY_U-A


  >> Indian condom song <<
  Jaunty public service commercial that plays
  like a sort of Bhangra Teletubbies. Extremely
  long, extremely elaborate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTLj_3R0-2g


  >> Tourette's add-on <<
  Simple Firefox browser addon that will insert
  swearwords into any text you try to type. The
  appeal, obviously, is to download it onto the
  computer of someone who isn't in on it and
  watch their bewildered features as a simple
  work memo becomes obscene gibberish. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_simple_firefox_extension


  >> Misheard Bollywood lyrics <<
  We've seen an awful lot of those 'misheard
  lyric' things on the interwebs, so our
  tolerance is pretty high. But we couldn't
  restrain a grin at this epic production - it's
  a very classy number, combining elaborate
  dancing, garbled words and some excellent
  comical posing as a bonus.
http://snipurl.com/condomstani


  >> Saudi Arabian king = Darth Vader? <<
  The horseguards band perhaps making a subtle
  point about the UK visit of Saudi Arabian
  monarch King Abdullah. After the first
  half-minute or so the report starts on about
  dodgy human rights records and such.  
http://snipurl.com/dahdahdadah


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Spoonerisms Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to mess with 
  the language.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * RAVING PRIVATE CYAN - nothing, even giving
  you the joke in advance, can prepare you for
  the splendour of this entry (biovalve)

  * VERYDISCO CHANNEL - another rather lovely
  dance-themed submission. We're tempted to stuff
  pills down our scragg (k_cick)

  * JAMIE OLIVER - years have passed, and he's
  still a cunt (sPUNKer)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoonerisms/

  >> New challenge: Robots <<
  We love robots, so we've decided to 
  unleash another of our occasional 
  one-word challenges. As long as it's 
  robot-themed, it's in. Go mental.
  Challenge suggested by mictoboy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/one-word-robots/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PR0NNIEST GIRLS' NAMES - "After your
  challenge in 298 Newsletter," sniggers
  anthonydeane, "I have painstakingly researched
  Google Images and made a table of the girls'
  names with the porniest results. It was hard
  work." We can only imagine just how hard - and
  then, perhaps, wish we hadn't. Anyway, it's all
  quite detailed with statistical weighting and
  everything.
http://www.anthonydeane.com/b3ta/pics/girls.htm


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LOO ROLL VIDEO - Can you unroll a toilet roll
  from, and stretch is from the bog, all round
  the house, flush and watch it be gobbled like
  spaghetti? (Actually, this was a top tip from
  VIZ from a few years back, but it could make a
  nice video, although we suspect the paper
  wouldn't need to be strengthened by tape.)

  * HOW MUCH WRITING IN A PENCIL? - take an
  ordinary pencil and draw a line on the ground,
  how far can you go before you run out of lead?
  Will you make it to you local shop? Will you be
  arrested? Watch the video back on fast forward. 

  * CD ART - make a massive office mural from
  stick different coloured bits of card in CD
  jewel boxes and making a DIY pixel art thingie.
  Possible of a famous Album cover like Pink
  Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by lolwhites,
  the_log_knows. Top Tippery by Carling in a
  Stella glass Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Surprise rape to b4ta. (Brackets) Subject
  line by Zak McFlimby.

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  TIPUS TOPUS:

  "Where has Top Tips Fucked off to of late?"
  demands Carling in a Stella glass
  belligerently. "It's the only reason I trawl
  through this pile of janx every week.Lemon
  juice takes the nicotine off your fingers so
  you don't have to look like your middle one's
  been up a homo's bottom." Thanks. Thanks for
  that, Carling.

  Be like the leper who uses a hooker: leave a
  tip.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
  
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  NONSTICKIPEDIA:

  What's green and smells like yellow paint?
  Green Paint.	
http://www.sickipedia.org/search.php?q=green

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