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NEWSLETTER: "IN UR TEMPL FRAGG1N UR MUNX"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Confess your dirty trade-secrets
* GAME - Alphabet clicky woo
* TORIES -  MP spunking cock coin

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're cranking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       shaft... together"

B3ta email 296 - 28 Sep 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue296/

    Surprise sex:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsurprise sex:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Retro-Gaming Handheld 

  Great news everyone, we have a new F200 GP2X
  console it has a touch screen and the much
  requested Dpad, portable MAME, Amiga and other
  emulation just got even better. 
http://tinyurl.com/yqm9y6

 
  In other news Craig is running the Great North
  Run and wants you to sponsor him! 
http://justgiving.com/craigix


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cocks, Words, Bacon and Puke

  >> Tory MP spunking cock coin <<
  "So, some Tory MP nicked one of the images off
  my website but left me hosting it," explains
  NaNeil. "So I decided to have a chuckle."
  Basically, he subtly edited a crudely-drawn cock
  onto the face of the coin. And it took them ages
  to notice! If you're able to, check out some of
  the comments left on the MP's page by passing
  internet punsters.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/09/25/consrvative_future_/


  >> Don't catch the Z's! <<
  Click on each of the letters to collect the
  alphabet as quickly as possible. But beware
  the deadly letter Z - get two of those and
  you're a goner. "I made this," bristles
  NoFruitsADay, "And I challenge anyone to beat
  my awesome score of 01:12:45." Seriously, we
  just tried it and that *is* an awesome score.
  It's fucking hard!
http://www.lawriecape.co.uk/lettergame/


  >> Hover bacon song <<
  Joel, Jacqui and the Zook give us an insight
  into mealtimes Chez Veitch. It looks unsettling
  and it sounds terrifying, yet we found ourselves
  humming this song about levitating pork for most
  of the week. Yes, we really annoyed the crap out
  of everyone.
http://www.rathergood.com/bacon/

  
  >> Swedish gameshow: Make Me Puke <<
  This clip of an unfortunate vomiting on live TV
  has been doing the rounds recently. Tarka the
  Frotter has swiftly edited it down and blown on
  it with his magical comedy breath.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Swedish_Game_Show_Make_Me_Puke


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade
  
  Recently the TV world has been rocked by a
  series of 'omg they make stuff up' scandals, so
  we were wondering what are the secrets of your
  trade that would make the world go 'gosh'?

  BTW: Here's some TV stuff we already know about:

  * A 'friend' was once asked to phone up Nigella
  Lawson live on her show, and pretended to be a
  woman in love with her married boss for a
  phone-in.

  * A 'friend' once did some work for the office
  that made Country File. A couple of the
  producers / directors had nice 4x4s on the
  promise they'd get them in shot as much as
  possible.

  * A 'friend' once met DJ Nicky Campbell and
  asked him about his "I can predict your star
  sign thing", he said that the cunning trick was
  to get the researcher to ask the punter before
  they came on air.

  Anyway, it's shaping up to be a classic
  question so get stuck in.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dirtysecrets/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Perspective tricks <<
  Kate Bush once sang, "I'm Cloud-busting Daddy"
  and who knew she wasn't singing about Jack
  Bauer's dad manipulating streams of "cosmic
  orgone energy" to cause rain,
  but actually foreshadowing these 'squishing
  clouds by pinching' trick photos.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/h19/sets/72157594182549008/


  >> David Hasselhoff is a PDF file <<
  Stuck for a make-and-do? Print out this printy
  thing and make your own two dimensional
  Hoff-doll. It's in Kitt form. Ho ho.
http://www.artforrobots.com/_images/cartoon/PoseableHoff_Final.pdf


  >> Museum of Bad Art <<
  Our favourite ever online bad art was a pencil
  rendering of American R&B vocal quartet, En
  Vogue, dressed in leather with their not
  inconsiderable penises hanging out of their
  trousers. Sadly not contained in this otherwise
  great collection of the art of the truly
  talentless, but it does have an old lady
  skipping though some flowers which lifted our
  hearts.
http://www.museumofbadart.org/


  >> The Land of the Rising Pun <<
  We only know one word of Japanese: Yatta, and
  it means, "I did it!" which is always useful
  when dining in a Japanese restaurant and
  someone asks 'who farted?'. Looks like the
  Orientals are learning nearly as useful phrases
  in English. 
http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/PT6Wk1j2VNc8.jpg


  >> Optimus Prime Cut Chicken <<
  Meticulous pictorial document of a Chinese
  boy's construction of the Transformer
  "Bumblebee" from KFC boxes. We imagine it
  smells.
http://snipurl.com/unluckyfriedkitten


  >> Simpsons nerds <<
  Every film reference in the Simpsons catalogued
  with photos of the movies they came from. Now,
  who can be arsed to do the same with Spaced?
http://snipurl.com/ojdidit


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Monkey love pigeon

  An abandoned baby macaque finds a new lease of
  life with his avian buddy. We warn you, this
  candid pic is so eye-wateringly heart-warming
  that it should come with some sort of diabetic
  health warning. 
http://snipurl.com/dailymailarecunts


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Youtube pre-rolling ads? Suicidal surely

  >> Triple-necked guitar prat <<
  Steve Vai was introduced to axe-anoraks with
  his talking, wooden penis-substitute on David
  Lee Roth's largely enjoyable Eat 'Em and Smile.
  Largely ignored by music fans, he produces
  output enjoyed more for its technique than
  melody. So how amusing to take footage of him
  showing his chops and dubbing some badly-played
  crap over it. Lovingly done.
http://b3ta.com/links/Steve_Vai_Re_Dubbed_to_sound_shite


  >> Nerdy white boy rap genius << 
  Sometimes we spot a talent on the internet and
  wish we could buy shares in their future. This
  kid is going to be big. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Bo_Burnhams_new_one


  >> Rammstein Oompa band <<
  Another dubbing gag, but these monsters of
  krautrock are enjoyably undermined with the
  true feel of a German beer festival. Close your
  eyes and think of sausages. As we said to the
  missus last night.
http://b3ta.com/links/Rammstein_translated_into_German_again


  >> Kids TV Bukkake <<
  Standards are truly slipping on children's
  television, not only has Blue Peter put down
  its pets for health and safety reasons (Biddy
  Baxter sits in the gallery pulling fishing line
  on the necrosing kittens), but Big Cook Little
  Cock is dripping with ejaculate references.
  Case in point:
http://b3ta.com/links/You_want_kids_TV_filth


  >> Emo Lego <<
  "This really needs a wider audience," commands
  Eatmeat. Ok then, here you go, watch this
  enjoyable song about a small Lego man who turns
  emo and his mates take the piss.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDqNaNlfifc


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Lowest common denominator - and still sinking!

  * DICK TINGLE - Sports correspondent for the
  Hull & East Riding Mail. Probably was never,
  ever teased in the school changing-rooms. (He's
  about 3/4 down the page btw)
http://snipurl.com/dicktingle


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Winehouse Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to get to grips with
  our Amy.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HAIR - A rarity at b3ta, as a proper bit of
  art walks away with the plaudits (I was
  penalized for that)

  * WOBBLE - Poor Amy, off her gourd and
  struggling to walk. A role model for us all
  (HappyToast)

  * ANUS - It's a Wine House, geddit? (The
  Neville)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/amy_winehouse/


  >> New challenge: Ninja Weapons <<
  It's a well known fact that ninjas can 
  use anything as a weapon. So pick an 
  object and show us the ingenious way it
  might be used in battle.
  Image suggested by Afinkawan. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ninja/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  PHONE CHARGERS - Cheers to VampireMonkeyOnSpeed
  who points out that the mobile phone industry
  has scrambled to obey ginger fuhrer Rob's curt
  command for a single kind of charger that works
  on every handset. "Now if you could maybe do
  something about world peace..." he mutters.
http://snipurl.com/1rd3z


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: TV ADVOCACY
  Boondocks

  Burglars robbed our TV a few months back, and
  we haven't replaced it, choosing instead to
  free ourselves from leaving the TV on in the
  background and instead only watching downloads.
  It's improved our life immeasurably, as we have
  more time to read and only watch the shows we
  really want to. Including the brilliant
  Boondocks - an Afro-American South Park, where
  Samuel Jackson plays a 30-year-old wigger.
  Genius. Linky goes to wikipedia, but the show
  is widely available on the piracy method of
  your choice. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boondocks


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HARD CHALLENGE - JenBoldacre writes, "I
  reckon I can stay hard for four hours with no
  knob drugs, as long as I have a sufficiently
  gigantic arc of porn." Can you beat him? With
  your cock?
    
  * FACEBOOK PEOPLE SHARES - You know those stock
  exchange games where you buy and sell pop
  groups or Hollywood people? Do it with real
  people and trade in your friends.

  * MEAT SCULPTURE - Buy loads of spam, carve it
  into the shape of a vagina, that kind of thing.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was 'written' by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Jahled,
  saladin zero, AndMcC, hahn, thefoggypoo and
  PenguinsMadeMeDoIt Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subject line by collapsibletank. Jam
  tomorrow to b4ta. (trout-eyes) 
  
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  SICKIPEDIA NOW ON FASTER SERVER:
  I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today. When I
  said I was feeling suicidal, they got all
  excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.	
http://www.sickipedia.org/profile/eatmeat

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