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NEWSLETTER: "POPPING OUT FOR HALF AN HOUR FOR A BITE TO EAT AND TO VALET THE CAR"

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This Week:
* DRAGONS - Having sex with cars
* FEED THE HEAD - Best flash toy ever
* QUESTION - Your guilty secrets confessed

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're flicking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       beans... together"

B3ta email 293 - 07 Sept 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue293/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK

  "Backstreet boys? Nsync? We're not a washed up
  has been, we're pop4real and we ARE 'sponspop'"
http://tinyurl.com/2bk89s


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Call us tarts, but we *heart* people who offer
  us cash.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: PAVAROTTI 
  The 'jokes' we've heard so far.
  
  * What is Pavarotti's wife getting for
  Christmas? A smaller turkey.

  * If anyone is interested I've got tickets for
  the opera this weekend. They're a tenor less
  than advertised.

  * I went to watch Pavarotti last year in
  concert. He's was a miserable bastard. Didn't
  like anybody joining in.
 
  Anyway, enough rubbish jokes from fat bastards
  past their prime, here's the B3ta newsletter:


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Guilty Secrets

  Last week we asked for your guilty secrets in
  a transparent attempt to blackmail our readers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/

  * "I RUINED A KID'S DAY TRIP. As an
  experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I
  have gained a invaluable insight into the
  problems of public transport. The main problem
  is that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING. Anyway, on
  a recent journey the child from hell jumps
  aboard with his fat arsed chav mother. The
  mother opens a family bag of Doritos, and
  proceeds to munch her way to an early grave,
  while Satan's fart stands on his seat and
  starts pressing the bell over and over... and
  over again. This went on for about 10 minutes,
  with everyone on the bus becoming restless as
  they got closer and closer to total nervous
  breakdown. And then, something incredible
  happened. The mother actually did some
  parenting. "IF YOU TOUCH THAT BELL ONE MORE
  FUCKING TIME WE'RE GOING HOME YOU LITTLE
  SHIT!" she bellowed menacingly. The child
  immediately stopped, looking shocked and upset
  but kept his hand near the button mostly for
  balance. The perfect opportunity for vengeance
  had shown itself. With a quick glance at the
  mother to make sure she wasn't looking, I
  reached up and rang the bell. The mother
  glared at the child, his hand still over the
  button, and with wails of protest she picked
  him up, and marched off of the bus screaming
  at him that he was no longer going to the
  zoo." (Furness)
     
  * "I HAVE JUST PEED in the kitchen sink at
  work. It has one of those protectors in the
  plug-hole that stop the bits of food getting
  into it, and when I peed, I made it spin. This
  is the happiest I have been at work for
  months." (lardaholics anonymous)
     
  * "FACEBOOK - When I upload photos of me and
  my friends to Facebook, I photoshop my friends
  very slightly to make them look a bit fat."
  (Tricksy)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever been given too much information? Got
  friends who will blithely tell you all about
  their piles / stuck tampons / explosive
  diarrhoea at dinner?
http://b3ta.com/questions/toomuchinformation/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Dragons fucking cars <<
  Presenting... your new desktop lolpaper. Just
  like it says on the tin - a gallery of dragons
  making sweet, sweet love to sports car
  exhausts. Why this exists we haven't a clue,
  but thank baby Jesus it does. NSFW, in case
  there was any ambiguity here.
http://www.mightyjustice.net/jubei/stuff/dragonsfuckingcars/
  

  >> Toilet signs of the globe <<
  Collection of gender signs from WC doors by
  people who've peed freely throughout the
  world. Some of them are too clever by half,
  others maybe a bit too explicit.
http://www.nuacco.com/2007/08/13/which-door-should-i-choose/


  >> eBay confusion <<
  Clearly this guy got a little muddled with
  eBay's forms when trying to sell his tracksuit
  top. The result is that his item description
  balloons out into a rambling story about
  Sheffield. 
http://tinyurl.com/yrrmzf


  >> Pepper spray ring <<
  The ideal gift for a loved one who lives in
  constant fear of imminent attack. Although a
  slip of the hand when  taking out a contact
  lens could be unbelievably nasty.
http://www.protectyourselfdirect.com/stunningring.htm


  >> Feed the head <<
  One of those online toys we all loved so much
  in yesteryear: keep poking about on the
  animated head and see what  happens. Kept us
  amused for quite some time.
http://www.feedthehead.net/


  >> Albatross full of plastic <<
  One for the "Blimey" files. Stomach contents
  of a baby albatross - who would have thought
  they eat so much crap? We  liked that the
  first comment in asks if the bird was alright
  in the end. Aww. Bless.
http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/08/albatross_meal.php


  >> Dylan messaging <<
  Surprisingly, a half decent record company
  viral. You get to choose the words on the
  cards as Bob sings Subterranean Homesick Blues.
http://www.dylanmessaging.com/messages/OAT9-GX5J-AGL8-HSSU-JDZ0


  >> Spam.com <<
  Okay, so this is old news but the official
  site for the canned pork product kept us
  clicking around a good five minutes. It's
  clearly not a company without a sense of
  irony. 
http://www.spam.com/


  >> 'The secret of invisibility' <<
  Oh yes and not just "a secret so powerful that
  throughout history, men have literally died
  trying to wrestle it from the tight fists of
  its masters" - this craptastic eBay ad also
  promises virtually everything spam has offered
  you in your life. Also, the ability to command
  fishes and bring dead animals back to life. Of
  course, the real trick is how on earth they're
  preventing eBay from shutting them down -
  we're mystified! 
http://tinyurl.com/yp64uc


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: T-SHIRT SHOPPY 
  Re-designed

  Right, out lovely t-shirt shop has had a
  re-jig, we've hidden the confusing t-shirt
  designer and just listed our available
  product. Please please please check it out as
  the lovely Penny from the t-shirt company has
  been hard at it all week and writes, "Please
  tell me we're in the newsletter? You would
  make a hard-worked girl very happy of a Friday
  afternoon."
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Written up quickly coz we're lazy
  

  * NEW WEEBL - Jonti returns to his classic
  series, Bob and Weebles.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/factor/


  * BOWIE MISHEAD - props to MarkP0rter for this
  shitty gag.
http://tinyurl.com/2a6ljk


  * MUSIC SEARCH UPDATED - Cr3 updates his
  'steal MP3s from websites' project to keep
  playing random tunes. Fun to stick on in the
  background.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/play.php


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Echidna photographer

  Could there be anything sweeter than this
  mini-monotreme earnestly checking the settings
  on his camera? Sooo cute!
http://www.minut.ee/files/mauri/life/echidna_2003_10_15.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a tiny TV with a keyboard-sized flicker

  >> Burning Jimi Hendrix <<
  Some people make models of St Paul's cathedral
  out of matchsticks. Some make portraits of
  guitar legends then burn them down. Guess
  which one looks cooler.
http://tinyurl.com/3a7w8z


  >> Robert DeNiro acting class <<
  Yet another celebrity spot on Sesame Street.
  This time, the menacing method man teaches
  little Elmo how to act. They seem to have
  caught the great man on an off day and the end
  is actually a little creepy. Ah well.
http://b3ta.com/links/Robert_DeNiro_shows_Elmo_how_to_act


  >> Nose propeller <<
  Great little pub trick performance. Dunno if
  it's real but it is entertaining, the fact
  that it's a promo for some Brazilian telecoms
  company notwithstanding. To maintain our
  strict non-commercial stance, we hereby forbid
  you to sign up with any South American telcos
  (unless you have no choice).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbUeX8ZPUmA


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Monkey Movie Challenge

  Last week we asked how Hollywood would change
  if monkeys ran the show.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CENSORED - It's monkey rating time (The
  Great Architect)

  * WAR IS STUPID - And monkeys are stupid (The
  Duke of Prunes)

  * SHAKESPEARE - Monkey monkey monkey monkey
  monkey (JimmerUK)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monkeys/


  >> New challenge: Animal Secrets <<
  Time to re-visit a classic from the b3ta
  archive: what do animals get up to to when
  we're not looking? Photoshop will help find
  the answer. Challenge suggested by Mushroom.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animals/


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by  mr
  wheatley, hahn, themnoisytoys, war3 n3xt,
  Matt, Bob_the_Scutter, hahn Top Tippery by x
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. And
  a special mention to Nora Cockaday, a customer
  of Lloyds Bank in Clapton circa 1995. (Thanks
  Peter Gray). Newsletter title? The Great
  Architect.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:
  A black man takes a girl home from a night-club.
  She says "Show me it's true what they say about
  black men." So he stabbed her & nicked her purse.
http://www.sickipedia.org/profile.php?user=chelsea_steve

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