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This Week:
* VIDEO - Burpy man gets burpy
* BEEF - Wearing it as pants
* OJ SIMPSON - We managed about 30 pages

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're leeching your
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    bandwidth... together"

B3ta missive 282 - 22 Jun 2007

Webby version, made of htmls and apaches:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue282/

       Love us:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Hate us:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Glastonbury Tales

  Alien abduction, pigs’ trotters and
  ant-infested sleeping bags? This year’s line-up
  have divulged their best Glastonbury tales for
  Orange.  Check out videos from Mumm-Ra,
  Kasabian and The Chemical Brothers and get
  yourself prepared before you hit the scrumpy.
http://snipr.com/tales_b3ta


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Media buyers. We want to felate you.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Burps, Blairs and Big Cat-face

  >> Burpy man <<
  "Just a quick note", quickly notes Dr.A, "to
  inform you of my childish and unpleasant video
  mash-up of that opera-singing chap who won
  Britain's Got Talent. Several people from
  foreign lands thought it was an actual act,
  which has pretty much made my life complete."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_apologise_in_advance


  >> Goodbye Blair <<
  "My final video on the subject of Mr Anthony
  Charles Lynton Blair", possibly lies Manic,
  "Requires jazz-hands." Epic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Goodbye_Tony_Blair


  >> Cat face <<
  Jonti has been working on new ideas for
  cartoons, about a cat, with a very large cat
  face. But, arguably, the face of a different
  cat.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The worst sex I ever had

  We wanted your bad sex moments.
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/

  * POST-COITAL SMALL TALK
    "New bird, first shag, post coital fag and chat.
    Her: Did you enjoy that?
    Me:  Of course! lets do it again.
    Her: I can't believe I used to do this for
         extra money at university
    Me:  Seriously?
    Her: Yes but I haven't done it for money for
         ages. and I won't be charging you this time!
    Me:  So you were a whore?
    Her: Well I don't like that word.
    Me:  I think I'll leave.
    Her: My boyfriend will kick your fucking head
         in if he finds out what we just did.
    Me:  Fucking hell. Could you make this dreamy
         night even more perfect?.
    Her: I stabbed a guy once. Not that deep.
         He was OK in the end.
    Me:  I have to go now." (I have run out of coke)


  * WHAT DID YOU SAY?
    "New girlfriend. She was really up for
    everything. We were having a fantastic time
    shagging at every opportunity. Anyway, she
    starts to go down on me, gently dragging her
    hair and boobs down my body. She licks just
    below my balls. Oooh. *shudder* I murmur my
    appreciation, and she stops to whisper,
    "Yeah, my Uncle always liked that."
    (like I'm going to give my name)


  * RUINING IT FOR YOUSELF
    "Our first time after seeing each other for a
    week or so. We kiss, we pet, he grabs a
    condom, strips while facing away from me, and
    then (like a magician revealing a fine trick)
    spins round to face me, johnny on, ready to
    go. My first introduction to his manhood. It
    was miniscule. I mean, really, really. It was
    like a cocktail sausage wearing a see-through
    tent. But, we've come this far, and I felt
    bad for him all ready to go, and I must admit
    there was more than a smattering of pity, so
    I thought I'd just give him a blow job.
    Consolation prize. I threw away the condom,
    and got down to work. You know how JD in
    Scrubs has his own personal monologue
    running? Well, I have my own. Normally, it's
    fairly mundane and non-offensive, but as I
    grappled with distinctly less than a mouthful
    of willy, the little voice in my head piped
    up. "This is what being a paedophile must
    feel like." That was it. I couldn't continue.
    I practically spat his dick out and ran out
    the door. Poor sod." (itsnotmehonest)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the most horrifying thing you've ever
  seen? From what's already been posted, it's not
  for the faint-hearted this one:
http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> OJ's banned book <<
  The gossip sites have been on fire with a
  leaked copy of OJ Simpson's 'If I Did It', his
  tawdry account of how, if he had murdered his
  wife, how exactly he would have stuck the knife
  in. We managed about 30 pages and mostly
  noticed OJ complaining that his dead wife was a
  liar. Can't say we warmed to him, but for those
  with stronger stomachs than ours, the complete
  PDF download is available here and probably a
  thousand other sites if this one goes down.
  BTW: Speaking of leaked literary stuff, there's
  a link doing the rounds purporting to say who
  dies at the end of the final Harry Potter.
  Google it if you're interested.
http://www.mediafire.com/?bdmmd2lmuzy


  >> Subvertising slogans <<
  We've got a feeling that we've been sent this
  link a few times but never really clocked how
  amusing it is. It simply takes a few famous
  advertising tag-lines; "Coke is it!" for
  example, and allows you to switch the product.
  To stuff like cock. Much funnier than it should
  be.
http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=cock


  >> Beef pants <<
  Here's a product ideal for Joel Veitch and his
  thousands of sexual conquests - knickers made
  from jerky. Just imagine it - he could play a 7
  Seconds of Love gig and toss the pants into the
  audience, the lucky catchee getting to ride his
  enormous man-cock backstage. Lovely.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=6216878


  >> Vag sculpting << 
  Boys! Have you ever wondered what a vagina
  looks like? We mean, really looks like, if you
  filled your good lady wife with plaster of
  Paris and took a mould? Wonder no more, because
  Uncle Internet is here to sate your curiosity.
http://privatesculpture.co.uk/gallery7.html


  >> Fun at the creationist museum <<
  Last week we ran a Creationist image challenge,
  and we even poked a personal friend of Richard
  Dawkins to ask him to judge the challenge.
  Sadly the emails went unanswered, but instead
  why not get your web kicks from ogling the
  exhibits at a real-life 'God invented
  dinosaurs' museum. Although we use the word
  'museum' loosely - a more accurate phrase would
  be 'bunkum'.
http://snipr.com/christ_on_a_bike


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cute kittens playing in a box

  One day science will stop wasting its time
  attempting to find the cure for cancer and
  concentrate on the important stuff. How can we
  genetically engineer cats to stay cute and
  kittenish until the end of their days? The
  number of cats we've had to dump on the
  motorway...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdQj2ohqCBk


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Prediction: Web video is going to big next year

  >> Handy work <<
  Did anyone catch that 'hands' advert Guinness
  recently ran? Didn't entertain us much at B3ta
  towers, but the industry magazines went mental
  for it. Here's how hand-based-video SHOULD be
  done. BTW: The intro is crap, gets entertaining
  when the lyrics start.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harder_Better_Faster_Stronger_by_hands


  >> If TV show Jericho was real <<
  Have have to admire these Czech pranksters that
  managed to cut a ballooning mushroom cloud into
  some rolling footage on a news channel. This is
  a jape of Orson Welles/War of the Worlds
  proportions.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MzaN2x8qXcM


  >> Rail spin <<
  Blokey in our office says to us, "Have you seen
  the Norwegian kids? They're mucking about with
  a railway line?" "Nooo!", we reply, "We don't
  want to see any kids get killed!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Norwegian_Kids_playing_on_the_railway_line


  >> Tortoise V Cat - Tortoise wins <<
  When we're stuck for a write-up we search our
  brains for random facts WITHOUT checking
  Wikipedia. So here goes: * Blue Peter once had
  a pet tortoise that died in hibernation and
  they replaced without telling the TV-viewing
  public. * A tortoise shell would make an ideal
  battle hat for a rabbit. * It's probably
  possible to arrange several tortoises of
  different sizes to make nature's own steel
  drums. You see? Who needs research!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul0gfCyeiyM&NR=1


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Pork for kids
 
  DandyLion writes, "For the love of all that is
  good and pure - you simply must alert the world
  to the evils of the 'National Pork Board' -
  which, as well as calling its website
  Pork4Kids, includes such features as 'Pork Show
  And Tell' and carries links to 'NichePork.org'."
http://www.pork4kids.com/


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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK 
  Jesus nurses a baby dinosaur

  Props to Monty Propps for designing our lovely
  new t-shirt. The image has been all over the
  web this week, on boingboing, reaching number 2
  on reddit, and also appearing in a UK
  broadsheet.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Creationism Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to explain the 
  battle between creationism and evolution.
  You got biblical on our ass.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ADAM & EVE - And the rib that the Lord 
    God had taken from the man he made 
    into a woman. And man rejoiced. 
    (grey kid)

  * MICROSOFT WORLD - If God had been 
    repeatedly interrupted by that annoying 
    bloody paperclip, he'd never have got 
    to day seven (mutster101)

  * PROGRESS - Basically, we fucked up 
    (the Neville)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creationism/


  >> New challenge: Computer Errors <<
  This week's challenge needs no real 
  explanation: what if computer errors 
  told the truth?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/computer_errors/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SICK JOKE BOOK RADIO - having sold
  approximately 12 billion copies of the book,
  your Ginger Fuhrer has retired to a life of
  lighting cigars with £50 notes and occasionally
  appearing in the media. Including this BBC
  Radio 4 documentary on the history of joke
  books broadcasting this Saturday morning at
  10:30am. Presumably, after that you'll be able
  to 'listen again' if you've got Real Player
  installed.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/history/pip/usuxq/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Flute hero!

  You know those Playstation games where get to
  live our your dreams of widdling a sonic-axe
  like Eddie Van Halen? Hats off to the genius
  who thought it would be a good idea to apply
  the format to playing the bloody flute. BTW: We
  just considered using the word flautist and
  found this amusing note from Wikipedia, 'James
  Galway summed up the way many players of the
  flute feel about "flautist", saying, "I am a
  flute player, not a flautist. I don't have a
  flaut, and I've never flauted."'
http://www.dr.dk/spil/floejtehero/popup/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PISS-TIME CHALLENGE - J-Rod writes, "Ever
  took a long piss the morning after a long night
  at the pub. Sometimes it feels like you're in
  front of the toilet for a solid couple of
  minutes. Film your whizzes (showing genitalia
  not necessary) and compete for the world
  record."

  * SELLOTAPE JAPES - Mictoboy commands, "Stick
  sellotape to your front door, and unwind it on
  your commute to work see if your journey is
  longer than a whole reel."

  * TESCO FAKES - Mighty Nibus suggests, "Sneak
  your own 'products' onto Tesco shelves,
  complete with barcodes and shelf labels. Record
  the results."

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Front-sex:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Back-sex:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt smith, Tony,
  collatalliesisters, evil_fairy, lloucksfresno,
  sesquipedeviant and flake Highest voted joke
  from sickfuck. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. RARARARARRAA to b4ta.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:

  What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this
  country? Sexy kids.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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