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NEWSLETTER: "PRETTY, WITTY, DINKLE DITTY"

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This Week:
* SONG - About a penis
* VID - George Michael sex-change shocker
* IRWIN - The 'Weebl' tribute

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 245 - 8 Sept 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue245/

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: MTV WANT YOUR FILMS
  Sponsored Link

  MTV are piloting a new show that challenges
  you to prove you're the World's Best...at
  anything. Think you're the World's Best
  beatboxer? The World's Best snack-pimper?
  Cup-stacker? Keepy-uppy-er? Have the best
  arse? Or granny? Or pet? Then prove it.

  Make a clip, and send it to us within the next
  7 days. Email, DVDs or DV copies will do.  If
  it's good enough, it might get on TV. Ask for
  our mailing address or send your clips to:
newman.ben@mtvne.com

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 
  Penis, Kylie = George, Tiny photos & Face-mash

  >> Penis song <<
  An exuberant musical tribute to Man's Best
  Friend by Koit. You can see he had a lot of
  fun making this. Maybe a little too much fun.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/penis.html


  >> Kylie = George Michael <<
  Gtancx writes - "That Muse = Gwen Stefani
  pitchshift movie on newsletter reminds me of
  cool thing I found out by mistake on Kylie
  Minogue's song. If you slow down Kylie's More
  More More from Fever album a bit, you are
  going to get voice exact voice of George
  Michael." Heh, he's right you know, and your
  newsletter team Rob & Dave have made a short
  vid to ram the point home. Warning: Your mind
  may become bended.
http://b3ta.com/links/Slow_Kylie_George_Michael


  >> Little people, big city <<
  This is just lovely - Slinkachuu has been
  putting tiny model people around London and
  photographing them for his blog. It's oddly
  touching, although we see this idea being
  swiftly nicked for some sort of first-time
  buyers mortgage type advert. 
http://little-people.blogspot.com


  >> Face-mash <<
  Victim of a crime and fancy a vigilante poster
  campaign? Eclectech's face cut and paste
  software lets you create any number of
  wall-eyed freaks - the easy way.
http://eclectech.co.uk/facemash/facemash.php


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Barred

  Last week we wanted to hear about the places
  you've been banned from:
http://b3ta.com/questions/barred/

  * BONJOUR MONSIEUR
    "Banned for 1 year from the Eurostar when me
    and some mates decided it would be a 'bit of
    a giggle' to wet our hair and shirts and run
    down the corridor shouting, "It's
    leaking!!!" Teenage girls, wet and running
    in a bouncy way, you'd have thought we'd
    have been given free passes for life after
    all of the executive stress relief we gave
    that day. No justice." (Ethel Le Crisp)
     
  * PUB QUIZ ABUSE
    "I was barred from a pub for inappropriate
    use of the pub quiz sheet. What's the
    capital of Denmark? Apparently the answer is
    not... Michael Cooper (the quizmaster)
    felches his mum and blows dead goats. First
    time I've been barred from a pub by text
    message, too." (ElectricMonk)
     
  * ZEN SHOPPING
    "I was barred from a supermarket in Croydon
    once. I hate food shopping so I came up with
    a nifty plan to avoid it. I called it "Zen
    Shopping". I'd go into a supermarket and
    lurk in the aisles. Eventually someone would
    abandon their trolley while they went
    running off to get some last-minute item
    they'd forgotten and I'd pounce on their
    trolley and wheel it to a checkout and pay
    for it. A week's shopping done in a few
    minutes. Sadly though I eventually got
    caught by an eagle-eyed manager and was
    banned for life. Apparently they'd had quite
    a few complaints from irate shoppers and had
    been watching for me." (Legless)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to recall your worst journeys.
  Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstjourneyintheworld/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Karaoke Michael Jackson <<
  We got sent this for another reason entirely,
  but couldn't help being enchanted by this
  chap's rather idiosyncratic rendition of 'Beat
  It'. Not that it's terrible - but it's got a
  weird quality like an unconvincing lookalike.
http://snipurl.com/Krapaoke


  >> 121 tshirts at once <<
  A few weeks back we featured a man wearing
  over 40 pairs of pants. This bloke puts even
  him to shame, putting on one tshirt after
  another until he becomes an unwieldy clothy
  monstrosity. Then he falls down.
http://ueba.net/hosted_pages/121-T-Shirts-20060827


  >> Drink vodka - stay sober <<
  Valuable advice on how to drink at Russian
  social events, ie. consume copious amounts of
  vodka yet somehow retain the power of speech
  and movement. Basically, you will have drunk a
  bottle of vodka and be only mildly pissed -
  but you will have eaten a lot of lard.
http://snipurl.com/l27e


  >> Prat causes security alert <<
  This guys drops his ipod down the toilet of a
  plane. He's too late to tell the stewardesses
  before a major security incident occurs. Most
  idiotic moment? "He asked me if I knew how to
  make a bomb. 'I have a degree in physics, and
  I'm not an idiot.' Of course I knew how to
  make a bomb, what kind of question is that??
  The better question is, WOULD I make a bomb?"
http://snipurl.com/vl95


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Close the web, YouTube has won

  >> Copycat baby monkey <<
  Researchers at Parma university have found
  that baby monkeys, just like baby humans, have
  a propensity to copy the facial expressions of
  others. Hot news in the science world and,
  what's better, here's footage of one sticking
  its tongue out.
http://media.newscientist.com/data/images/ns/av/dn9916V2.avi


  >> Mr Spock and his enormous cooooooo... <<
  Nice knob gag in a clever, engaging song
  dedicated to the iconic half-Vulcan hunk. We
  liked the special effects too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Qom4lh1k4M


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Mummy, please make it stop

  >> World's scariest barber <<
  Not so much a funny name as
  unfortunately-conceived marketing. What was
  'Hugo' thinking when he commissioned a shop
  sign portrait that prominently replaced his
  legs with gigantic, gleaming scissor blades?
  Frankly, it's a concept that will long live on
  in our nightmares.
http://zedex81.co.uk/?p=6


  >> Moorcock Inn <<
  "My lovely young wife and I were in Yorkshire
  on holiday recently," confides peter.c.moore.
  "We passed a pub called the "Moorcock Inn".
  Even better, the nearest town is Hawes. So the
  address is 'Moorcock Inn, Hawes' (probably)."
http://www.moorcockinn.com/


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: ASK THE B3TARDS
  For when Google can't help

  >> Wet stuff is darker? <<
  Last we asked why stuff looks darker when it's
  wet. Mac-man informs, "When a material gets
  wet and absorbs water, the material's index of
  refraction is effectively changed, making it
  so that more light penetrates and less light
  is reflected." Wow. That sounds like science
  to us, so that'll do us fine.


  This week: -
  >> GPS Speedo errors <<
  Benny on the Loose enquires, "My sat-nav GPS
  speed in my car is always roughly 10% lower
  than that on my speedo, i.e if If my speedo
  says I'm doing 100mph, my GPS speed is about
  90mph. Which one should I believe?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Dubbed pr0n, Coke, Fast 'fast' show & Irwin 

  >> Tomorrow People Pr0n <<
  The Tomorrow People was a classic 70s TV show
  about telepathic teenagers, but Blackmoon got
  hold of some episodes recently and "All my
  childhood memories were shattered in an
  instant. It's not the brilliantly
  ground-breaking, stunning and enthralling
  program I used to enjoy. It's embarrassingly
  awful." So as a tribute he redubbed it with a
  new plot about hardcore porn. Nice. This is a
  30MB download, but well worth it.
http://www.markta.co.uk/ttp/


  >> 5k of cocaine <<
  "I walked in on the end of Channel 5's
  shit-thick early afternoon mongfest
  'Brainteaser' just as a contestant won £5000,"
  confesses goatboy2k. "I was amazed at what the
  hostess thought the contestant would spend the
  cash on and I just had to share." We are
  shocked at this seedy underbelly of daytime TV.
http://snipurl.com/coffeemate


  >> The fast FAST show <<
  "When I am king this is what will be on TV,"
  boasts Rusty Shackleford. We can only hope
  that glorious day comes soon if this quickfire
  mish-mash of video skits is anything to go by.
  It's like a full-blown sketch show in under
  two minutes. With TV this condensed,
  Eastenders would take four minutes, the news
  would be over in three and we could all spend
  a lot more time in the pub. Warning: Contains
  slight swearing and racist dickhead Bernard
  Manning.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_I_am_king


  >> Steve Irwin sound board <<
  Moved by this week's untimely demise of khaki
  croc-botherer Steve Irwin, Jonti Picking has
  compiled a selection of the great man's
  pithiest sayings so that they may be
  celebrated for always.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Goodbye+Steve/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the De-motivational Challenge

  Last week we wanted the B3tards to bring
  their unique brand of spazdom to the 
  concept of de-motivational posters.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * OPTIMISM - corinoco goes straight to the
    top of the pile with his very first 
    challenge entry. Much like his provocative
    image, it's all downhill from here. 
    (corinoco)

  * JESUS - deeply profound treatise on the 
    nature of God. With added waterskis. 
    (shambia)

  * FOCUS - Luke Skywalker faces doubts as the 
    reality of the destruction he's about to 
    wreck hits home (Manic)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/demotivational_posters/


  >> New challenge: Corporate Disasters <<
  Imagine the scene: Your favourite company gets
  swallowed in the most inappropriate corporate
  take-over ever. How are the products affected?
  Show us what hits the nation's shelves...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporate_disasters/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ADAM BUXTON APOLOGY - a few weeks ago we
  described TV comic Adam as owning a sinister
  beard and being as round as a barrel. We
  didn't actually expect him to read this and
  respond that the description, "coming from the
  netís über geeks, stung a little." Ooops.
  Having seen Adam on the recent BBC shows Time
  Trumpet and the (excellent) Screenwipe, we're
  happy to report the absence of beard and a
  figure as svelte as a prepubescent schoolgirl.
http://adam-buxton.co.uk/ad/2006/08/29/ken-korda-news/


  * EXTORTR ART - Tedious monotones, "out of the
  blue I've been invited to exhibit it at a
  Viennese net art show. Which isn't the kind of
  offer I get every day. So if there are any
  Austrian readers of b3ta, they should come to
  the Metalab, Rathausstraße 6, sometime next
  week."
http://extortr.com/paraflows


  * BIFTROVERSY - jason.d.walker swears, "When I
  was growing up in Ireland, BIF stood for 'Big
  Ignorant Fucker'." Whilst wierdcokechick
  notes, "In my neck of the woods (South Africa)
  Bif means to wank."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WORK-SAFE SHOCK-SITE QUIZ - short vids of
  you re-creating goatse, tubgirl, lemonparty,
  bagslap, meatspin whilst keeping it safe for
  the kids. E.g. Do meatspin by attaching a
  sausage to your pants and jumping up and down
  on the bed. Present in multiple-choice format.

  * OLYPMIC RICH-TEA CHALLENGE - how long would
  it take to drain an Olympic sized swimming
  pool using only Rich-Tea biscuits? 

  * INTERVIEWS WITH MURDERERS - convicts such as
  Ian Huntley and Ian Brady accept mail in
  prison. Why not send them a postcard and see
  if they write back?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by yoofaloof,
  littleghoti, hahn andy/planetnomad,
  pitythefool, xoh, Tristram_zx81, Leningrad,
  BrassMonkey and 4dam. Top Tippery by
  allabouthome.com Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (110420)
  
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  TOP TIP:

  If eggs have dried on your patterned glass
  tableware, rub off the residue with a slice of
  lemon.

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