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This Week:
* MAGNETS - Nutter sticks them in his fingers
* PRODUCT - Fake bollocks for your cat
* VIDEO  - Underwater air-rings

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 234 - 23 Jun 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue234/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Save British Design
 
  The British Design Council want to make sure
  British design stays on top of its game and
  they want your help. Have your say by
  completing their short questionnaire and
  joining in the debate.
http://snipurl.com/kpbritshdesignalive

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Flyers, Fruit, Fire and more...
  
  >> Disturbing flyers... <<
  Ehehanne observes, "This was a free leaflet I
  got in The Daily Mirror on Saturday.
  Subscription to porn catalogue...nothing wrong
  with that, but free knives?!? Are they trying
  to get men to buy their girlfriends some
  lovely underwear...and then stab them?" So
  very very wrong.
http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j18/b3taer/knives.jpg


  >> Fruit up the exhaust pipe <<
  C_Phoenix10 is clearly has void in his life
  than needs to be filled. He's been spending
  his time shoving fruit and veg up a cars
  surprisingly spacious exhaust pipe. We think
  he's making a point about silly macho cars,
  but really, it's just kind of odd.
http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~cczcp1/pics/car/shocker.htm


  >> Setting fire to aerosols <<
  A few weeks back we asked you to send us
  videos of you playing dangerous games by
  lighting aerosol gas. We didn't really expect
  you to do it! Thanks to Quibble for this
  collection of vids, and we hope your mother is
  proud.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMKpfBLs_mY
 
 
  >> Crap Kersal sound-board <<
  Remember the Kersal Massive? You went wild for
  those crazy kids, ooh a couple of months ago. 
  Max writes, "I've made an amazingly low-rent
  Kersal sound-board. The low production values
  are a tribute to the original - and nothing to
  do with this being the first flash thingy I've
  ever made." Heh. It is a bit shit, but we
  enjoyed it. Especially clicking very fast to
  make Doctor Who noises.
http://www.eviltechie.co.uk/kersal.swf


  >> 2001 in 2001 seconds <<
  Mr.Swith whispers, "I've edit a version of the
  film 2001: A Space Odyssey where i cut out all
  the shite boring bits and reduced the running
  time down to 33.21 minutes (2001 seconds). I
  reckon people would like to see it in your
  newsletter, cos it means they can watch a film
  at work on their lunch, isn't it." Warning:
  this is a massive download and the choice of
  music (Gary Numan!?) is going to make purists
  fume. Still, kept busy for a bit, and we love
  the edit of 'lunch-time edits' of popular
  films.
http://swith.gazaxian.com/2001seconds.htm


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Have you been mugged?
  
  Last week we were asking if any nasty robbers
  have ever dissed you in your own hood.
http://b3ta.com/questions/mugged/

  * That's not a knife...
    "A friend at uni used to knit chain mail for
    the local Society for Creative Anachronism
    (people who like to get together at weekends
    and pretend they are knights errant). It's
    gotten late at the jousts, and he doesn't
    have time to strip off the mail or the
    sword, so he just puts on his cloak and
    heads for the subways. Little mugger comes
    up to him on the platform (in the days
    before CCTV) and says, "I've got six inches
    of steel here that says you'll give me all
    your money." Friend leans into the knife
    (chain-mail, remember?) then opens the cloak
    to show a hand on the sword hilt, says,
    "I'll see your 6 and raise you 20." Little
    mugger turns much paler and quietly
    vanishes." (chazz)

  * White guys pretending to be black
    "I was waiting for a bus in Hackney. A 17
    year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in,
    'Giz your wallet.' 'No', I reply. Sucks his
    teeth again, 'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna
    get my people on you.' A Caribbean pensioner
    laughs and says, 'Yo peepil? Who is yo
    peepil? Dey is Mary Poppins 'an scooby doo!
    Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago,
    get ya walkin!' 'Thanks' I said
    sheepishly. 'No problem fella' said the old
    man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here,
    only normally tis with an au pair you see.'
    'And what about scooby doo?' I ask. 'His par
    sister look like a dog.'" (sadler)

  * Educated French muggers
    Even the bloody muggers in Paris are more
    cultured than their English counterparts. I
    was heading down St Germain when these two
    skinny French blokes bashed into me and
    demanded some cash. Being outnumbered, and
    not being able to leg it past them, I
    feigned incomprehension, saying, "Sorry. I
    don't speak French". Not realising that
    these were upmarket euro-thieves, I didn't
    anticipate that one of the guys would then
    say in his best Antoine de Caunes accent,
    'Oh. I am zo zorry. In Engleesh then. Pleeze
    give me your Euros or my friend will 'urt
    you wiz hiz knife'. (String Theory) 

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the largest
  amount of cash you've handled. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/themostcashevercarried/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Magno-fingers <<
  How far would you go to get an extra sense.
  This chap had his finger sliced open at what
  amounts to a piercing parlour and a magnet put
  under his skin. Now he can sense electricity.
  Although, apparently he also gets loads of
  email from nutters who think he can also sense
  UFOs and ghosts.
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,71087-0.html


  >> Fake bollocks for your cat <<
  Loads of people have their pets neutered, but
  this seems to be for those who become
  neurotically worried that it has affected
  Fluffy's quality of life. Yes, fake, plastic
  testicle implants for your cat. The
  NeuticleUltraPlus are recommended as "the
  latest in solid silicone technology and feels
  almost like its' liquid filled." Eww.
http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html


  >> Exploding laptop <<
  Does your computer get a bit hot when you use
  it for a while? Careful it doesn't suddenly
  explode, belching flame and spurting molten
  plastic over a wide radius. Like this one. The
  owner's advice if the same thing happens to
  you? "Stay away." Oh, for the record, it was a
  Dell.
http://www.theinquirer.net/?article=32550


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  New kittens
  
  "I know you like kittens, so I thought you
  might be interested to know my mum has
  just had some," remarks patstew. Obvious
  wisecracks aside, here are some pictures
  of a lovely litter of 5-week-old kittens.  
http://patstew.f2s.com/serafine/Fiveweeks.html  


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  We admit, we're addicted to YouTube
  
  >> Underwater air rings <<
  Blowing smoke rings is sissies. This Japanese
  chap is able to lie on the bottom of a
  swimming pool and blow perfect rings of air
  through each other. Impressive trick, although
  we wonder precisely how he came to realise he
  could do it. The rest of the site is worth a
  look too.
http://snipurl.com/tvinjapan


  >> Surprising paternity test <<
  Elona and Richard are one of those white trash
  couples you see on US chat shows. It's not the
  result of this televised paternity test that
  are shocking, it's that the bloke doesn't seem
  to have thought for a second that their child
  wasn't his. Their little boy is quite clearly
  black...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHC-eLeWi0U


  >> YouTube rocks <<
  We've been sticking YouTube stuff in the
  newsletter for months now, but we were just
  looking at one link and fucking off. Maybe
  it's reached some sort of critical mass now,
  but recently we've been wasting loads of time
  on it - it's become a massive fan scrapbook of
  video and it's bloody great. Here's someone
  who's archived off a load of 80s classics good
  and bad for your delight and bemusement.
http://www.worksafevideos.com/music_videos/


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Running this hurts us more than it hurts you

  >> Aryan Cars <<
  Good to see Nazism is alive and well in the
  land of Volkswagen dealerships. Sieg Heil!
http://www.aryancars.co.uk/

  >> Clit hero <<
  Need some office junk stored or moved? Then
  you need clit hero.
http://www.clithero.com/home/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Road Signs Challenge

  Last week we asked to see road signs updated to 
  accommodate 21st Century needs. You delivered.  

  Our favourites included:
 
  * LET'S FACE THE MUSIC - The lyrics of Frank 
    Sinatra used as a tool to keep the road-weary 
    traveller alert. Genius. (NoMoreFaith)

  * QUANTUM JUNCTION - a hilarious pun on the 
    discontinuous change which an electron undergoes  
    as it goes from one energy level to another 
    without passing through any intermediate levels. 
    Apparently. (Threepwood)

  * ROUNDABOUT - Scarily accurate representation
    of the relationship breakdown that occurs between 
    all couples on long-distance journeys. 
    (bilbobarneybobs)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/roadsigns/


  >> New challenge: Pimp My British Design <<
  Take a UK design classic like a Mini and pimp
  it up for 2006. Sponsored by the British
  Design Council, and there's a prize too, so
  get to work!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmybritishdesign/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PLEASE NO MORE HICCUP EMAILS - shemavrik
  chirrups, "My friend put a tenner on the table
  and said 'You can have that if you hiccup in
  the next ten seconds.' I waited... and
  waited... and TRIED to hiccup... and could I?
  No."

  * RIZLA COMES UP TRUMPS - last week Adam was
  complaining  that as a Rizla competition
  winner he hadn't been sent the key to open his
  prize cigarette vending machine. He gasps,
  "Many thanks for the link. Those lovely people
  at Imperial Tobacco have managed to get me a
  key. As an extra added bonus. They say they
  are sending me a selection of Rizlas!
  Excellent."
 
  * CAMOUFLAGED WHEELIE-BINS DANGEROUS - "I
  piled into one on my bike and I ate the brick
  path beneath." So let that be a lesson to you.
  Pretty things aren't always good things.

  * PENIS CAST WOMAN - Remember that lady who
  wanted to take moulds of your cocks? She's
  started, and she's even made a chocolate one
  as well.
http://bcccastingcouch.blogspot.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LIVE ON DOG FOOD FOR A WEEK - and upload
    clips of yourself munching down on pedigree
    chum to YouTube. It'll be a hit we reckon.
    
  * PRETEND TO BE FOREIGN - stand next to the
    House of Parliament and ask for directions to
    Big Ben. Film peoples reactions.
    
  * MICROTOURISM - forget going on holiday
    anywhere fancy, rent a room a couple of
    miles from your house and see what it's like
    there.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Pachey's bumhole cake is
  butterfly poo, mattwild, willb508, Toist,
  BigFinger, patstewl, jon626537 and M3ssential.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Nuff respec to b4ta. (109286)
  
-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIPPERY:

  "Living in the jungles of New Guinea as I do,"
  brags Jason. "I can't exactly run down to the
  local compy shop when my CDs get so scratched
  up that the computer can't read them any more.
  But I've found that if I smear the readable
  side of the disc with a thin coating of
  ordinary toothpaste (i.e.. not gel or that
  stripy shit), then wash it off, it removes the
  scratches and the CD works again. In maybe 75%
  of cases."
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK

  "Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs -
  now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun23?a_aid=cwj

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