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This Week:
* SONG - Big ball rap
* QUESTION - Worst nicknames ever
* WIN A FLAT - Scam or smart marketing?

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B3ta email 230 - 26 MAY 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue230/

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: SPONSORED LINK

  Football like you've never seen it before.
  Sausage munching Germans, moustachioed Mexicians,
  lager swilling Brits, and cheesy anthems. 'Ave
  it at
http://snipurl.com/keepthemuppy


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Revenge, Gonads, Drugs, Football & Adsense

  >> Big-ball rap <<
  You might remember Kirby for his song about
  anal sex we newslettered a few months back.
  He's returned and says, "enjoy this rap
  homage to men with titanic testes." Best
  bit? Rhyming testicles with spectacles.
  And then having the gall to mention
  tentacles.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/big_balls.htm


  >> Football songs are a cunt's game <<
  We've lost track how many that have been
  sent in to the site now. If we weren't
  busy and could be in any way arsed we'd
  string them all together and shout 'fuck
  off you cunts' repeatedly, all over them.
  Having said all that... CCC's World Cup
  song is pretty good - cheerful nonsense.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/12066


  >> eBay Revenge <<
  "I bought a laptop on eBay but it didn't work.
  sobs spikytom, "The bloke refused to refund my
  money, so as a means of petty revenge, I made
  a little website documenting the things I
  found on the hard drive." Ha! Best being the
  voyeuristic photos of women's legs the young
  eBay fraudster has snapped on the Tube.
http://www.amirtofangsazan.blogspot.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Worst Nicknames

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked for your worst nicknames:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstnicknamesever/

  * The Foetus
    "It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of
    years back that I look like a foetus. Thus,
    I was nicknamed, with stunning ingenuity,
    The Foetus. Various friends have amused
    themselves making jokes around the theme,
    wombs, umbilical cords, ultrasound scans etc.
    The best however was a drunken friend chasing
    me round a pub carpark in front of a busload
    of surprised grans, brandishing an unbent wire
    coathanger, loudly and repeatedly threatening
    to abort me." (jennymnemonic)
     
  * "Picture a mountain biking accident many years
    ago - friend of mine (called Basil, so that's
    a bad start anyway), out riding, he got his
    weight a bit low over the rear tyre going
    quickly down a steep drop-off. He was wearing
    loose shorts:- 3" gash in the scrotum, right
    testicle drops out. Somehow gets to hospital
    with the other pod intact but the right one
    has to go, too much risk of infection or
    something. You'd think some sympathy perhaps?
    Oh good God no. For the rest of his natural,
    this chap will be known as Womble."
    (the mighty badger)
     
  * Atari
    "The was a girl at my school who everyone
    called ATARI due to her brother catching her
    in the act with said controller." (teknikl)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Meeting your heroes is always disappointing;
  they never live up to your expectations. Tell
  us who didn't come up to scratch here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nevermeetyourheroes/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> eBay shite car <<
  Our second eBay link of the week. A friend
  recently commented that "eBay is bigger than
  the internet" and he has a point. This chappy
  is flogging his car, but it's the photo and
  the write-up that brings a small smile to
  our aged faces.
http://snipurl.com/lesbianbastardtwits


  >> Arty corner <<
  Enjoyed these groovy pictures which mess with
  the viewer's expectations. Very 1970s.
http://haha.nu/2006/05/17/seamless-pictures/


  >> Rude statues <<
  Following up our recent predilection for
  bum-fun sculpture, jossdude yelps, "I was
  recently in Germany and saw this bad boy! And
  just to put salt in the wounds, it's about
  30m away from a kids' playground." 
http://snipurl.com/ovendodgers


  >> Longest dump ever <<
  Fancy feeling paranoid about the state of
  your bowel? Check this colonic irrigation
  site, and the stuff that this bloke crapped
  out after using their product. 
http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html


  >> Reality Manga <<
  Oooh, a link to Worth1000, a competing
  photoshopping website. They take a different
  tack to us, encouraging technique rather than
  humour, but we can't help but be impressed
  with this 'what would people look like if
  Japanese cartoons were real" challenge. Now,
  if someone could be arsed to do this frame
  by frame, there's a great idea for a music
  video here.
http://snipurl.com/cuntdroppings


  >> Shit web video parody <<
  Aware of Newgrounds? It's a site where teenage
  Americans show off their cartoon skills. Like
  any user-generated site, the quality varies
  wildly. This animation is parodying some of
  the worst elements of the site and brought
  us much amusement. We particularly agree with
  the complaints about rubbish audio.
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/frontpageget


  >> Win a flat <<
  Neat idea here. Instead of just flogging your
  house via the local estate agent, by not hold
  a raffle? Hopefully, once the papers pick it
  up, all the £5 entrance fees will add up to
  more than the value on the open market. BTW:
  We have no idea if this is a complete scam, but
  out gut feeling is that it's not.
http://www.winourflat.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  If David Bailey was a squirrel

  Oooh. Oh lovely. Lots of tree-rats
  taking photos in the park.
http://snipurl.com/ilovebumsex


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Video killed the Macromedia star

  >> Crap BBC promotional vid <<
  Commissioned and put together by the BBC,
  for use during a hugely expensive team-building
  day last year. This rap has
  been leaked by a former BBC employee. Apparently
  causing staff to adopt the catch-phrase "Ceefax,
  where the numbers are fine" and middle management
  to "awkwardly nod and frug along to the beat
  as only white middle-aged businessmen can."
  Word up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6blZ1PYBiY


  >> Basketball Accident <<
  If we re-launch B3ta as a TV show, it'll probably
  just be loads of clips of people falling over
  robbed from YouTube entitled "VHS this and post
  it to all your mates." Featuring stuff like
  this. Ouch.
http://snipurl.com/qwvk


  >> Extraordinary pipes <<
  Pipes. Pipes. Pipes. What can we say about pipes?
  The word is sometimes used as euphemism for tits
  as in 'That Charlotte Church has a fine set of
  pipes on her." These pipes have nothing to do
  with Charlotte's tits, but are quite fine none-the
  -less.
http://snipurl.com/q2if


  >> Saddam & Osama cartoon <<
  "I've found a link to a fab spoof 80's style action
  cartoon", jives Anarchy Duck, "featuring Saddam
  & Osama! it made me wank like a schoolboy reading
  his sisters copy of Just Seventeen, and the ads
  in the middle are fab too."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqVY04JVqiA


  >> Noel Edmonds mocks disabled <<
  We always knew that bearded TV personality Noel
  Edmonds had a dark side. Here he is doing a
  fantastic spaz impression that'll hopefully
  get Scope contacting C4 to take him off the air.
http://snipurl.com/noelisacunt


  >> When comedians get hissy<<
  Bill Hicks tribute act Denis Leary is famous
  for chain smoking and making cancer jokes.
  Who knew that also he was such a bitch?
  Check him out on this chat show where he
  has a huge hissy fit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpAkctmcpFU


  >> Skateboarder with no legs <<
  This is what Heather Mills would look like
  if she cut off her other leg and sat on
  a skateboard. Oh, and had a sex change.
  Gnarly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTXNlRfZAgk


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: GIF OF THE WEEK
  Help fight Bono

  Little Bono from leaping lepricorn
  rockers U2 wants to fight AIDS. Unfortunatley
  this badly executed GIF from the Independent
  website says something very different.
http://snipurl.com/bonoisacuntcuntcunt


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Serial killer Vs Cocky penis fun

  >> Mummy can we play Sutcliffe? <<
  Sadly 'Sutcliffe Play' does not involve pretending
  to murder your little sister with daddy's hammer
  whilst wearing a fake beard and some plastic gap
  teeth. It is in- fact the unfortunately named brand
  of children's rides. The fact that the company is
  based in West Yorkshire scores extra points
  for aceness.
http://www.sutcliffeplay.co.uk/sutcliffe/index1.asp


  >> Penis insurance <<
  Currently widely advertised on UK TV, this
  insurance company scores for both having 
  a penis scented name, and a logo that
  can only be described as a fleur de cock.
http://www.hiscox.com/


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: WHERE WE'VE BEEN LURKING
  Ice chewing forum

  Who can this website be for? Big foot? Pingu?
  Or Vanilla Ice's fave rent boy?
  Nope. It's for people who are addicted to 
  chewing ice. Apparently it can be a symptom of
  diabetes. Or penguin rabies.
http://www.icechewing.com/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Bad-taste Adsense / Drugs video

  >> When Adsense goes wrong <<
  Adsense is the Google advertising program
  which works by analysing the words within
  a page and attempting to serve relevant
  advertising. Infinite_monkey writes, "My
  cousin died on the weekend - which isn't cool.
  But I did get a strange anti-pleasure from
  seeing just how insensitive Gmail-sponsored
  links could be." 
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/badgmailads.jpg


  >> Say NO to drugs <<
  Darksun has got in touch with a home video
  of him on Salvia, a fast-acting hallucinogen.
  We're linking as we're amused by
  A. What are his parents going to say?
  and B. It turns him into a complete
  mong.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Q_El16obm8


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Minority Magazine Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see the covers of 
  ultra-minority interests that aren't yet 
  catered for. You submitted millions.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * NMNE - The only magazine that really counts 
    for the serious anemone enthusiast. 
    (Spunky McPunk)

  * MINIMALIST MAGAZINE - Doesn't have much to 
    say, but displays it beautifully. 
    (Ledger)

  * HELLO - No, not that one, but the world's
    premier Lionel Ritchie read.
    (The Great Architect)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/


  >> New challenge: If Animals Were L33t <<
  L33t is the unspoken language of the Internet, where
  English is transformed into something understood 
  only by geeks. But what if animals were l33t? Show 
  us life in such a world.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/l33t/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by mister_charlie_easton,
  alex.morris, TheCastrator, zeropct, 0% Interest,
  PMGT, majoringram, spong & Wormulus
  Top Tippery by lmussi, afinkawan & robertbaker1.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Nods to b4ta. (108915 - 35251)
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Last week we suggested that holding your finger
  to the bridge of your mouth is a great way to
  prevent a sneeze. We had no idea it would be
  so controversial, you described it as "utter
  crap", "pants" and "like some dodgy Hitler
  impression."

  Your alternative methods include:

  * Saying grapefruit
  * Tickling the roof of your mouth with
    your tongue
  * Pinching your nose fairly tightly

  Also Libertine gets in touch with a proper
  tip advising - 
  
  "Tired of fighting with your duvet to get its
  cover back on? Raid your office stationery
  cupboard for a couple of large bulldog clips
  - they hold the corners in place a treat."
  
  Ok. Is that bollocks? Do you have
  a better idea? Get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK

  "Fancy working for Sega, Myspace or Yahoo?  
  Chinwag Jobs now has their vacancies and a whole
  bunch more!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may26/

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