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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 195 -"CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING WITH A BLUE VEIN IN IT?"

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This Week:
* EVENT - Come and watch Rob talk on B3ta history
* GAME - Fight the video aliens
* PHALLUS - Microsoft's spunky cock

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 195 - 02 Sep 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue195/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
 
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: SPONSORED LINKS
  Phone games, Cool t-shirts & Intel's IT Files

  >> Retro-style phone games <<
  "Remember Gauntlet, Sensible Soccer, Robin
  Hood & Leisure Suit Larry!? TheMobileGamer.co.uk
  brings these classics to your phone and many,
  many more. Over 1200 games to choose from.
  We don't run rip-off subscriptions & we have
  the widest selection of mobile games anywhere!"
http://www.themobilegamer.co.uk/retro-mobile-games.htm


  >> Grange Hill t-shirts <<
  "Don't do it! Take the advice of a 15 year old at
  rock bottom. Get your Zammo 'JUST SAY NO' T-shirt
  from Teefly.com"
http://www.teefly.com


  >> The IT Files - Episode 5 - Once Bitten <<
  "Getting off to an explosive start with the
  prehistoric kit in his new lair, our intrepid
  Head of IT tests the office sprinkler system
  to its limits. Following the triumph of his
  upgrade, Mike discovers that being top dog
  doesn’t necessarily guarantee an easy life
  and that success sometimes comes back to
  bite you, later. See Mike in action."
http://www.intel.co.uk/itfiles


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  B3ta talk, Alien game & Wheatley vid

  >> "How We Saved The Web" <<
  Ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel is set to take you on an
  entertaining romp through how he and his mates
  changed the face of the internet from their
  bedrooms. From singing kittens to teaching Buffy
  to say "Xylophone buggery", spotting shemale
  superstars before they were on TV, destroying a
  20 million quid corporate re-branding scheme via
  the medium of flicking the V's, and encouraging
  people to get cancer by poaching eggs in cling
  film. It's at the King's Head Theatre, Islington
  on the 2nd of October, so get cracking on buying
  a ticket. WARNING: Watching this show might make
  you give up your job and accept your destiny of
  using the internet for mayhem.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/345


  >> Brilliant alien-fighting game <<
  Hats off to Leoz for this charming video-based
  game. You control the hero as he uses common
  household items and lightning reactions to
  fight off the space aliens who have invaded
  his house and locked him in the toilet.
http://uploads.ungrounded.net/259000/259908_movie.swf


  >> 'Spitz' vid <<
  Ah, the world of Ben Wheatley - what a dark
  little place it is. Here's an oddity about a
  government special agent on the dole. At least
  that's what we think it's about. Features a
  welcome appearance by the Mighty Bearded One
  - that is to say Ben - himself.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/spitzfilm.html


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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS
  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On being asked for blue cheese in an
    delicatessen, "I'm afraid not madam but I can
    give you something with a blue vein in it."

  * On asking about a ladies earrings "Well, I
    need two studs to keep my holes open."

  * A mother on meeting her son's new girlfriend
    who'd previously been involved in a minor
    speedboat accident, "Is this the one you
    banged?"


   Stick yours in our box:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Your Scary Neighbours

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we asked about your scary neighbours:
http://b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/

  Here's a few we're glad we don't live next
  door to:
 
  * The Pyramid Family
    "When at university in York, our back garden
    joined onto several other people's gardens
    with fairly high fences between them. The
    third house around was inhabited by the
    scariest bunch of inbred weirdos you can
    imagine. There were about 426 of them living
    in that house and not one of them had a job.
    So how did they keep themselves busy all day?
    They spent about 6 weeks building a pyramid
    in their back garden. Yes, a pyramid.
    Practically full-size. Out of mud. As the
    days went by, we watched in disbelief as
    this family erected a three-metre-high
    ziggurat out of soil and paving slabs. I
    was like watching a termite colony in action.
    when they'd finally finished the pyramid
    they embedded a bathtub in the top. We never
    had the slightest idea why they did all this
    or what it was for, as, having finished it,
    they proceeded to act as if it wasn't there
    and went back to their other favourite pastime
    of lobbing rocks into our garden when we were
    trying to barbecue." (Olembe)
     
  * Sex-crazed old people
    "I live in Edinburgh. My neighbours were the
    most senile, nosey geriatrics that I have ever
    met. They had a bloody big dog that would rip
    your throat out soon as look at you. She called
    me "sonny" even though I'm a girl. They were in
    their eighties, but used to have the loudest,
    filth ridden sex my ears have ever heard. But
    that's not all, oh no. In order to keep time
    pumping the night away, he used to sing
    "Flower of Scotland" at the highest volume
    possible." (moogbook)
     
  * Science teacher
    "My next door neighbour used to be a middle
    aged woman who was a science teacher at my
    school. My bedroom window gave me a perfect
    view of her sunbathing topless in her garden.
    Now THAT was scary." (aphex puddle)
    

  We'd also like to sympathise with 'Peewee 13'
  for bravely putting up with a neighbour who
  keeps an assortment of coffins in the garden:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/post38619/


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us things that have
  happened to you in the toilet. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toilets/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Runaway Ostrich <<
  Ostrich farms were briefly popular in the 1980s
  when gullible yuppies were peddled the lie
  that ostrich meat was the new beef, and they
  should invest now and make millions. Unsurprisingly,
  they lost millions instead. Ha! Anyway, here's
  an amusing picture of some Japanese bike cops
  chasing a charging ostrich down a street. All
  it's missing is some Benny Hill music and an
  excitable banzai voice-over.
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_oct2004/RunawayOstrich.jpg


  >> Instant message prank <<
  This chap set his messenger profile to "sexy
  girl" and routed all requests to chat to other
  people who were also attempting to chat to ladies.
  The level of self-deception in these chatlogs
  is phenomenal as both participants frequently
  admit to both being straight males, but
  still keep attempting to cyber with each other.
  We've linked to a funny one, but if you chop the
  URL you will find loads of this stuff and it's
  all great.
http://pranked.hopto.org/chatlogs/albertmyint%20-%20strangerx1.log


  >> Microsoft spunky cock <<
  Our favourite Microsoft story isn't Donkey.bas
  (if you're geeky, google it) but the time
  when the Redmond boys sent out a clip-art CD,
  which when you searched for "monkeys" produced
  pictures of black people. A product-recalling
  happy accident of the models happening
  to be standing in front of monkey bars. God
  alone knows what to make of this bit of
  clip-art of an apparently jizzing penis.
http://snipurl.com/microsoftspunkycock


  >> Customer complaints <<
  Nothing more satisfying than reading the
  complaints logs of major companies. A friend
  of ours once nicked the duty log of Channel 4
  and called up all the people who were moaning
  about the swearing and told them, "C4 thinks
  you are annoying twits." Enjoy this scatological
  description of a man's disquiet with being
  placed next to the bog on an aeroplane.
  Complete with drawings.
http://67.19.222.106/travel/graphics/seat29e.pdf


  >> Snot boy <<
  Gasp in revulsion at this video of a teenage
  boy blowing snot bubbles and them sucking them
  back in. The secret of success? Bogey jugglers
  swear by drinking a lot of mucusy milk.
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/snotrocket.wmv


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby badgers

  If you search for "badgers" on Google, five out
  of the ten links on the first page of results
  are now for copies of Jonti's badger animation.
  Now, that is success. Imagine the power of
  owning the word badger? The other badger
  websites must be furious. Anyways, here's a
  charming picture of a couple of young badgers.
http://www.weirfield.co.uk/downloads/badgers%201024.jpg

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Monkey game, Squirrel toy & Internet chat thing

  >> Monkey space flyer <<
  "Everyone loves monkeys," squeals Matazone. And
  he's pretty much on the money. So enjoy your
  week's dose of space monkey joy with his cracking
  inertia-based flying game - made to unite the
  world in peace and harmony, or so he claims.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/mis/monkeys-in-space.php


  >> Squirrel flasher <<
  Always struggling to find the right way to
  send a message to that 'special someone'.
  Eclectech has tackled the problem head-on: put
  your words on the chest of a sniggering squirrel
  flasher, why not?
http://eclectech.co.uk/message.php?i=HS


  >> Chat to the internet <<
  Give thanks to Ian Beveridge, for now you can
  chat with the internet; the mighty sum of all
  human knowledge just as if it was another of your
  little MSN chums. Give it a go. It doesn't make
  much sense, as these things never do. But it's
  entertaining nonsense.
http://www.yeahbutisitart.com/chat-to-the-internet/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Real Computer Games Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to imagine a world
  in which computer games were real.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realcomputergames/

  We asked b3ta boarder Extraordinarily Ordinary
  Damocles to judge the entries - here are his 3
  faves.

  Extraordinarily Ordinary Damocles writes -

  #1 Meer Pong - a fantastic animation which
  made me chortle with its unexpected twist.
  (frogdoctor)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5053185
 
  #2 Lemmypop Lady - a great idea for
  integrating those asylum seeking rodents
  into modern society. (Jonnyass)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5048842
 
  #3 Save the Princess - I knew the whole drunk
  driver thing was a cover-up all along. The
  truth will out! (Mystery Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5052467


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator gave us
  the suggestion, "Pimp My Pet"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmypet/


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: EMAIL OF THE WEEK

  A pervert confesses

  To be honest we don't know what to make of
  some of the email we get. Presumably an entry
  for the quimnuendos section, it reads more
  like the confessions of a strange pervert.

  Take it away, Mr Baileco,

  "I was went to the Supermarket the to buy
  some Fajita Wraps. Being a hot day while,
  plenty of the women were wearing short
  skirts & shorts showing heaving cleavages
  whilst leaning down in the freezer sections.

  "Having lost all concentration & finding
  it difficult walking with a huge hard on
  I found a shop assistant and asked her,
  'Where would I find the Vagina Wraps?'

  "I apologised profusely to the shocked
  assistant, I paid for the wraps & have
  never been back since."

  We wait keenly for next weeks email
  where he visits the corner shop and
  asks the shop-keeper, "Can I have a 
  go on your cunt?"


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * INTERNET IS FOR PORN SONG IDENTIFIED - many,
    many readers wrote in and pointed out the
    song was taken from a Tony award-winning 
    musical Avenue Q. Video clips are available
    on the site. BTW: What is a Tony award
    anyway? Does that mean it's "Grrrrreat!"?
http://www.avenueq.com/videoclips.html


  * WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG, STILL UGLY - he's been
    a bit of a news sensation, old Sam, turning
    up on CNN and many news and review shows in
    the UK. He's now got his own blog and you 
    can buy merchandise too. But the good bit
    is his nice, high quality close-up of his
    lovely face. How many claws can a dog have
    anyway?
http://www.samugliestdog.com/images/Sammagnetweb.jpg


  * BADGER CAKE - Sygiinu writes, "After subjecting
    my family to endless repetition of weebl's
    badgers toon & it being my 21st birthday this 
    week, my Mum has made a badger badger badger
    badger, mushroom mushroom, oh it's a cake,
    it's a cake, cake!" Looks scrummy. Send us
    a slice?
http://www.zen78688.zen.co.uk/Badger/cake.htm


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Jumpy block puzzle game

  The aim of the game is to remove all pieces by
  jumping on them. We're pretty sure we played
  some thing similar on the Spectrum back in the
  the day. But the concept still rocks, and it
  would make a great game for a mobile phone.
http://lightforce.freestuff.gr/tilox.php


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SCULPTING NEW SWEETS - apparently you can
    melt down Haribos and make new designs from
    the goo. Surely you can do better than this
    guy:
http://www.silvergames.net/haribo.htm

  * FRYING AN EGG WITH A MOBILE PHONE - this
    site claims it works, but doesn't provide
    pictorial proof. Again, surely you can do
    better:
http://www.wymsey.co.uk/wymchron/cooking.htm

  * BLACKING-UP - apparently unfashionable
    these days, but we dig it. Live a day
    blacked-up in London and photo / blog 
    your experiences.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Weebop, jinaah, danthorne,
  giant_squid, RJT, Susy, ghs80llu88, Heffrey,
  simon shitting mason, gory laurie, ray monkey,
  makerofjam, teedyay & tom.
  Top Tippery by  bacardincoke.
  Additional linkage and Image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the unique 'b4ta' New York.
  (104545 - 28235)
 
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  TOP TIP:
  Get a free telly. A couple of months ago ASDA
  made all their security managers redundant in
  a cost saving exercise. In the first weekend
  since they were sacked they lost two flat screen
  TVs because there's no-one watching the
  cameras anymore.

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