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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 180: "SKIVE OFF WORK SPECIAL"

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This Week:
* HACKS - USB Barbie
* VID - Crap northern eggs
* NSFW - Hook-wanking

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 180 - 6 May 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue180/

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-------------------------------------------------

: SKIVING SPECIAL

  Skiving. We all love it. This week we conducted
  a huge fuck-off survey into your bunking-off habits.
  Your tips and suggestions for a successful doss
  pepper this newsletter like sweetcorn in a turd.


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  SKIVING TIP: Sleepy pencil trick.

  Empty a packet of pencils on the floor and
  have a nice sleep, making sure your head is
  placed behind the door. On been woken by your
  boss bashing your head, simply look flustered
  and say you were "picking up pencils."


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Eggs, Blu-Tac & USB Barbie

  >> Crap northern egg stunt <<
  Feeding our prejudices about northern folk;
  that they live in Coronation Street, keep
  coal in the bath and speak like George
  Formby - Asthesunsetz brings you this animation
  of a foolhardy little egg and his scooter-based
  misadventures. It'll put a smile on the
  most cynical face.
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/scoot.htm


  >> Blue-Tac snuff movie <<
  "I've made a blue movie," boasts Toby, "it stars
  one man and his penis." Blimey. It's like Tony
  Hart meets Ron Jeremy. We're impressed but a
  little confused.
http://snipurl.com/lightblue


  >> USB Barbie <<
  We recently suggested combining teeny glamour
  dolls and affordable data storage capabilities
  by making a USB Barbie. Cody listened and we
  clapped with mongy joy. Hopefully Mattel should
  have this disturbing wonder in the shops for
  Christmas.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4577623


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  SKIVING TIP: Mental illness

  Trying to kill yourself and getting sectioned
  is still an effective method of skiving.
  (Reader Gandylion hasn't worked for almost
  two years now, and urges you all to give it
  a go.)


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: MY CATHETER OVERFLOWETH
  it's funny names corner

  Each week we complain we hate this feature,
  but we run it anyway. Because YOU love it.
  And we love you. Sort of.

  >> Ass Transport <<
  An Estonian reader (who surprisingly isn't
  in the UK and cleaning our toilets) writes,
  "Ass Transport is a real company in Estonia.
  Oddly enough 'ass' does not mean anything
  in Estonian."
http://snipurl.com/asstransport


  >> Big Norwegian Cunts <<
  Following on with multi-lingual misunderstandings
  Luke reports, "I used to live in Oslo, and one
  day was delighted to see an English store-fitter's
  van driving through Sentrum (Oxford St equiv.),
  with the words 'STORE FITTER' writ large on the
  side of his van. Which translates into Norwegian
  as 'Big Cunts'."


  >> Peter Fillier <<
  "I recently got buggered by the tax man", winces
  Amzphotos, "and the name of the chap I had
  to deal with? Peter Fillier." He he. Reminds
  us of some crappy old nerd joke about PDF files.

 
  >> Mustafa Bumin <<  
  We're steering well clear of this Turkish
  gentleman whose name suggests a taste for
  Greek love.
http://www.anayasa.gov.tr/album/baskan01.htm


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Reading in the bog

  A newspaper can be smuggled safely into the
  work toilets, tucked inside your sock like a
  shin-pad.


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Squirrel nutter <<
  We all know a middle-aged woman who's obsessed
  with cats and thinks they are her babies.
  Demented Dolly Parton-lookalike Kelly Foxton
  has a similar and equally unhealthy relationship
  with her pet squirrel "Sugar Bush". She dresses
  him up in all kinds of stupid outfits - like
  Beatrix Potter for white trash. What makes
  this site especially disturbing is the stab
  at topicality, with tributes to 911, the
  war in Iraq and Tsunami victims. Bleh.
http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/index.html


  >> Homo-erotic book covers <<
  Oh to be working in the 1950s: graphic artists
  could put pure filth on a book-jacket and plead
  innocence. Yay to internet legend Maddox for
  an amusing write-up too.  
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=uscc_part1


  >> Vomiting news reader <<
  "I heard this on Sydney radio last week",
  splutters Joseph, "and thought you might like it.
  We have to salute this radio newsreader who
  gamely continues trying to broadcast, whilst
  vomiting copiously and obviously. It's the
  little noises at the back of the throat that
  got to us.
http://www.crikey.com.au/images/2005/04/28-10E3PDY9B00.mp3


  >> Advertising that winds you up <<
  Maybe a little dry for some of our readers,
  but we spent a happy afternoon reading these
  Advertising Standards Association case studies
  on the campaigns that caused complaints. Crazy
  Frog is there - but sadly they couldn't ban him.
http://www.asa.org.uk/asa/focus/case_studies/


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Gameboy case-mod.

  Place your Gameboy inside an old calculator
  case. (Reader HelloCoco recently finished
  Wario Land 2 looking like he was doing
  hard sums.)


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO BOLLOCKS
  Big fire, Robot cat & arty toss

  >> Arson around <<
  These silly boys should have known better than
  to pour about 5 gallons of petrol on to a huge
  bonfire made of very dry wood. The results are
  impressive to say the least, though we're not
  sure about the Hasselhoff-meets-Bowie backing
  music.
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/bonfireblowup.html


  >> Nasty Japanese robot cat <<
  Remember the rubbish animatronic cat in
  Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Well, the one in
  this advert is from Japan, even less life-
  like and a lot more sinister. We know if we
  gave one to Rocky the B3ta cat he would try
  to fuck it, before tearing it limb from limb.
http://www.necoro.com/theater/broad/vp.mov


  >> Title sequence cut-ups <<
  Strictly for the film nerds, this video
  squashes thousands of film titles into a
  short video to help you choose what to view
  this evening. Utterly unwatchable, but if
  you wait for it to load and then move the
  frame head backwards and forwards the material
  is rather fascinating. Boy, didn't Hollywood
  make a lot of shit films.
http://www.cuechamp.com/working_title.htm


-------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Read an e-book.

  Download the classic of your choice from
  Project Gutenburg, paste it into word or a new
  email & pretend you are writing a letter.
  (Contributor Tinkerty Tonk has just finished
  reading Code of the Woosters.)


-------------------------------------------------

: NSFW CORNER
  What we've been fwapping to this week

  >> Abu Hamza's favourite website <<
  Just because your hands have been replaced
  with hooks doesn't mean you can't enjoy
  yourself. A truly inspirational site and let's
  hope the warders at Belmarsh Prison will be
  showing it old Hooky himself. Hook!
http://snipurl.com/epi2


  >> Dermot O'Leary  - the future <<
  Taking over from goatse as the number 1 image
  to repel your mates with is Lemon Party, a
  charming trio of old gentlemen orally satisfying
  each other. Not sure how it ended up associated
  with chirpy British TV host Dermot, maybe he
  can get in touch and tell us. This link will
  certainly be doing the rounds in TV production
  circles this week.
http://www.dermotoleary.co.uk/


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Become a priest
 
  You can simply close your eyes and skive. If
  anyone asks you what you're doing, tell them
  you're having a pray. (Thanks to B3ta Priest
  Fr_Jerry_McGwier for this, who also points
  out that he doesn't even believe in God.)


-------------------------------------------------

: WHERE WE'VE BEEN LURKING THIS WEEK
  Clown forum

  Messageboards are a great place to peer into  
  another world. This week we've been loving the
  clown forum, which brings us a flavour of life
  outside the Big Top. GiGi's husband bought her
  a unicycle - as you do if the wife's a clown,
  while Sally Jo got everyone talking when she
  suggested that clowns should break with
  tradition and wear less make-up.
http://www.clown-forum.com/forum-1.html


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Lunch run

  Get lunch for people in the office. Everyone
  thinks you are being really helpful and you
  get a hour off wandering around the shops.


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Little cheetahs vs Japanese babies

  We loved these infant cheetahs with their Don
  King hairdos and strangely solemn expressions.
  We want to hug them - though we'd probably
  end up in hospital if we did.
http://cheetahs-rock.de/gallery.htm


  Probably one for the ladies (or the paedos) but
  even the most bitter and twisted among you
  couldn't fail to find these pictures cute. Yay
  for kids with pots stuck on their heads.
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/japanese-babies.jpg


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Rendering  

  Anyone who works in 3D animation and film
  production knows this trick. Stick your
  computer on render at 10 in the morning and
  complain all day, "I really need to be
  getting on with stuff but my PC is busy"


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Mysteries of the Universe'
  Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to explain all the
  stuff that goes on everywhere.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mysteries/

  We asked B3ta boarder Beau Bo d'Or judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Beau writes -

  #1 "How gravity works - Just damn clever and
      childishly standout funny.
      (the hedgehog can never be buggered at all)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4570096

  #2 "She was just an ordinary girl - A different
      angle on one of the most famously different
      angles of internet history.
      (The Sunshine Elephant)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4573913

  #3 "The Eater of Socks - Class, that is all,
      well no (not really). Let's all get together
      and give this person some colour pencils.
      Then we can all sue him when he gets famous
      using our gear. (NobbyNobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4580905


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Kna gave us
  the suggestion, "18 Certificate films remade
  for children"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/18toU/


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: The Dole

  Visiting the Job Centre for 5 minutes every
  fortnight works out at about a grand an hour,
  do the maths, and you don't even have to wear
  a tie.


------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Cloud game, Scary vag nonsense

  >> Jumpy cloud game <<
  "I've made little game," mumbles Quiet Phil,
  "for my band's website." Woo. Imaginative
  gameplay here - plan is to leap high and race
  the little bunny to the sky, whilst avoiding
  evil thunder clouds.
http://www.zebedeenumchuck.co.uk/games/game1.html


  >> Scary vag sponge scam <<
  Remember Birdparty? We recently linked to her
  winding up perverts using dating websites.
  She writes, "Our latest is a string of emails
  with the makers of a contraceptive sponge."
  The joy is in her descriptions of her unsavoury
  afflictions, and the PR's persistent desire to
  get her on telly to promote the vile product.
http://snipurl.com/spongeworthy


-------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Diarrhoea

  If you work in a food environment, a complaint
  of diarrhoea will make your boss send you home
  in a hurry. What? You don't have diarrhoea?
  They don't know that. And they never will.


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Petty Sabotage

  We're interested in those small acts of random
  malice that make life worth living, such as the
  time when we put magnets on our brother's
  collection of ZX81 cassettes, so when he
  attempted to play them they were full of
  errors and yet apparently undamaged.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pettysabotage/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * EXPRESSIONLESS GIRL - last week we linked to
    a series of photos of a young lady whose
    expression never changed. Many of you were
    disappointed as the site went down shortly
    afterwards. Thanks to B3ta reader markta
    who grabbed the pics and stuck them into a
    video loop which really makes the point
    about how bloody odd these images really
    are:
http://snipurl.com/expressionlessgirl


  * THICK READERS - adam writes, "I am currently
    in Australia and today took a trip to Steve
    Irwin's zoo. On hearing that there would be
    Koala bears there I remembered my new-found
    knowledge about them that I gleaned from
    B3ta's question of the week a few weeks back,
    and attempted to impress the zoo keeper with
    the fact of they explode if left on their own.
    He pissed himself laughing." Doh!


  * B3TA OWNS GOOGLE - YOUR RESULTS
    #5 wanking off a hippo
    #4 david blunkett having sex with a little lamb
    #2 ainsley harriott sucking off the pope
    #2 mong
    #1 zoos are basically giant brothels
 
    Yay. Enough of this now. You've proved your
    point.


  * FUNNY NAMES UPDATE - Ally_Baby got in touch
    to point out that the Turkish company ARCELIK
    is owned by the KOC HOLDING GROUP. You couldn't
    make it up.


------------------------------------------------

  SKIVING TIP: Corner desk

  The easy way to skive: Obtain desk in a corner
  and point monitor away from colleagues. Cocky
  readers might even like to surf porn in a
  crowded office.


------------------------------------------------

: GAME OF THE WEEK
  Bill Cosby - murderer

  Obviously we've been watching the wrong news
  channels and haven't caught the stories of
  one-time TV star Cosby and his murderous ways.
  Re-live the action in this depraved game of
  tempting young ladies with pudding, whacking
  them with a camera and burying them in a pit.
  Wonderful entertainment.
http://snipurl.com/cosby


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * VIDEO PHONE MUGGINGS - a friend of ours
    was recently mugged and and then filmed
    with a 3G phone by a gang of yobs in South
    London. If you've mugged anyone recently
    then send us the clips.

  * MANUFACTURERS TO SEND US FREE STUFF -
    the makers of Tetris Tower 3D got in
    touch after last weeks mention and sent
    us a free one. We still haven't worked out
    how to play it, but it makes a very nice
    ornament for our nerd centre. Maybe the
    people who make the robo kitten fancy
    sticking one in the post?

  * REVOLT US - are you more goat than goatse?
    DO you put the lemon in the party? Maybe
    you shit on tub girl. Trained operatives
    are waiting for your email.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  Lucy Reese and help from David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by kk, mitcheson, paul, Naomi,
  Frankie Pigeon, AndMcC, Barnaclese, Sooz,
  oceanhippie, fred.fenster, pantherwest, tom,
  mrlipring and the lovely scott.r.anderson
  Top Tippery by me.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the massive b4ta mpegs.
  (101998 - 25395)
 
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Don't waste your cash on expensive Athlete's Foot
  remedies. Simple Cillit Bang works just as well
  in killing the fungus that causes the rot.

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