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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 167: "WOMEN WHO BREAST-FEED CATS. AND THE CATS WHO LOVE THEM"

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This Week:
* VID - Monkey licks window
* PICS - Man slices penis
* CONSUMER TESTS - Cillit BANG! Any good?

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 167 - 28 Jan 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue167/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Monkey, test, squirrel, drink, KitKat

  >> Monkey window-licker <<
  New Matt writes, "I went to the zoo. It was great.
  We saw a monkey licking a window." We want to see
  this made into one of those 'clean your monitor'
  things. Nothing shifts dirt and grime like fresh
  chimp-spittle. And we should know.
http://www.5318008.co.uk/monkey/


  >> Cillit BANG! <<
  The Cillit BANG! advert has been amusing a fair
  number of people in the UK with its sheer
  preposterousness. One of the claims it makes is
  to be able to shine your money up all lovely. 
  Intrepid Adam Welch puts the oddly-named cleaner
  to the ultimate test.
http://bang.adamwelch.co.uk


  >> Big squirrel <<
  Grey squirrels are little nazis. They came from
  America to Britain in the 19th century and 
  virtually wiped out the red squirrel population.
  R.Fowden has just been to New York with his camera
  and a bag of nuts, hoping to hunt down the ultimate
  big daddy squirrel. Just look at the size of this
  cocky fucker:
http://www2.b3ta.com/images/rob/thatsafuckinghugesquirrel.jpg


  >> First drink of the day <<
  Joel's been busy and got himself a full-scale
  ska band. Made of monkeys, it seems. Here's the
  early fruit of their collaboration: a paean to
  the ever-glorious first drink of the day. Huzzah!
http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/


  >> Gigantic KitKat Corner <<
  You've got to follow your dream, no matter where
  it leads you. "I made a giant KitKat out of four
  KitKat Chunkies," brags Qwghlm, "So I could
  pretend to be a tiny, chocolate-loving pixie
  eating a normal-sized one." Well done, sir.
56495127@N00/sets/96668/show/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/56495127@N00/sets/96668/show/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Job Interviews

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked for job interviews you'd had
  or conducted that stuck in your memory:
http://b3ta.com/questions/jobinterviews/

  #1 Pills
    "Interviewer noticed that I had DJ as a hobby.
    He asked what sort of music I played and when
    I replied Hard Trance, he then lowered his voice
    and mentioned he had a load of pills he wanted
    to offload and could I sell them at my next gig?"
    (essbeenz)
     
  #2 Oven Gloves
    "We look for lots of common sense. So, IT grad
    straight out of uni arrives at 9am for an
    interview, my boss tells him to swap the hard
    drives in a bunch of PCs, adding 'Oh, here's
    some anti-static gloves," before handing him a
    pair of bright red oven gloves with OXO written
    on 'em in big white letters. He changed four
    drives before going to lunch and never coming
    back. We were all next door pissing ourselves."
    (Professor Yaffle)
     
  #3 Uncle Fester
    "A recruitment company wrote 'Please do not
    be put off by his resemblance to Uncle Fester
    off the Addams Family'. And it was uncanny!
    As was the crowd of people wanting to see
    what he looked like." (MartinH)

  We'd also like to congratulate Grebe on this
  stream of consciousness: "Shagged his daughter,
  got the job, shagged her again, dumped her, dad
  found out, sacked before start date."
  
  
  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to sing us the rude words you made
  up to songs as a kid. Audition here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/songs/


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: HALL OF FAME
  Good links that never die

  Rusty is gay - the charming 1950s-styled,
  illustrated story of a nine year old boy's
  forbidden love for firemen. A true web classic.
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~kurisuto/rusty/rusty.html


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: HEADLINE WATCH
  Because subeditors are funny

  * FAMILY PICNIC MARRED BY CHILD'S DEATH - 
    Ealing Leader. A rather callous angle on the
    death of a child.

  * MIRACLE DONKEY - local newspaper in South
    Australia. The story about a donkey
    who cheated death in two bushfires.
 
  * MAN ALMOST HAS CHIP PAN FIRE - Barrow in
    Furness paper. Isn't that... just...
    cooking chips?

  * NEW BLOW FOR JOBS -  Hoddesdon and Broxbourne
    Mercury, front page banner headline. 

  Seen a good headline? Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/   


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Breast-feeding kittens <<
  This hits all the right buttons for us. Pretty
  Japanese ladies feeding cats from their woman-breasts.
  If any B3ta readers would like to try to suck milk
  from their cat's nipples we'd love to hear from you.
http://www.saaitmedia.com/media.php?wm=suckitbaby.wmv


  >> Sweary Star Trek spoof <<
  Wah! A funny Star Trek parody. We were utterly
  gobsmacked. Great Eddie Izzard-style narative
  and loads of lovely swearing. Who'd have thought?
http://mediachill.com/Star%20Crap.htm


  >> Man slices up penis <<
  This is what happens when a bloke uses a scalpel
  to slice his old chap up like a cheap salami. A
  contender for the new classic foul image to shock
  your friends. 
http://www.livejournal.com/community/tws_support/347374.html


  >> Graphics card spunk-cleaning << 
  An amusing troll on a messageboard about installing
  your own computer parts. What's the best way to
  clear semen from the inside of your PC case? 
http://www.nvnews.net/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=43298&page=1&pp=15


  >> Electrical parts porn <<
  This is what the little electronic bits inside
  your computer get up to while you're asleep.
  The dirty little fuckers.
http://snipurl.com/ccje


  >> Face morpher <<
  This is wonderful- upload a photo and you can
  see what you'd look like drunk, or as a child,
  or as a member of a different race altogether.
  The results don't always work, but they are funny.
http://www.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~morph/Transformer/


  >> "Polar Express is shit" <<
  It's very nerdy, but we tremendously enjoyed
  this well-informed rant about the quality of the
  CGI in the Chistmas blockbuster. Great pics too.
http://wardomatic.blogspot.com/2004/12/polar-express-virtual-train-wreck_18.html


  >> Juggling machine <<
  Claude Shannon has been heralded as the founding
  father of digital communication, but to us he'll
  always be the wayward genius who invented the
  juggling machine. Watch and learn.
http://www2.bc.edu/~lewbel/shortsha.mov


  >> 9/11 Pentagon plane <<
  Conspiracy theories related to the events of 9/11
  are rife. While we don't quite buy into the story
  that there never was a plane flown into the
  Pentagon, we enjoyed exploring the web of paranoia.
http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Snoozy ginger kitty

  Asleep and dreaming of happy things, this copper 
  coloured kitten is at peace with the world.
http://snipurl.com/ccmo


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  For fuck's sake, make it stop

  * NIGEL SPACKMAN - Liverpool footballer.

  * GOATZE CARAMEL CREAMS - please tell us
    these don't have red centres. 

  * KICK A POO LUCKY EAGLE CASINO - bizarre
    mental image.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Scale Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to make big things small
 and small things big:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scale/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Benny on the Loose' to
  judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Benny writes -

  #1 "The Snail is coming! Oh no, hang on, they
    always leave that sort of trail... - Winner
    this week is a cautionary tale about the
    dangers of genetically modifying cabbages!
    (Dai Marzipan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4181498


  #2 "That was the last time MC Escher worked
    with Jeremy - As we all know, Jeremy Beadle's
    maladjusted wank spanners have bought the
    board literally minutes of fine entertainment
    over the years. None, however, have come close
    to this absolute cracker. Hurrah, I say!
    (Beardo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4185391


  #3 "Cave Ahead! - This made me laugh far more
    than is probably right. Still, once the
    authorities get a hold of this I shall be
    laughing even more from the Public Galleries,
    as Miss FPM has her day in court!
    (Funtastic Pony Magic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4182685


  A special mention to RetLek, I couldn't let this
  one pass, although slightly tenuous in the scheme
  of things (rules are rules) simple, effective &
  had me laughing so much, my proctologist had to
  re-stitch me!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4189452


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, The Challenge Dictator asked us
  simply to photoshop ducks
http://b3ta.com/challenge/duckinghell/


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: RANCID PETS
  Vomity CD cat

  Alison Jason writes, "My cat Opi licks the edges
  of my stack of blank CDs only to puke almost
  immediately after. We try to keep him away,
  but he's obsessed... so much so I am thinking
  about licking it myself to figure out what the
  fuck is going on."

  Woo. What revolting thing does your pet do?
  Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/



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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NORWEGIAN DISCO NOT NORWEGIAN - Any number of
    Finnish readers wrote in, keen to point out
    that our Scandinavian disco feature last week
    was actually from Finland. They actually seem
    proud of that. If you enjoyed it, here's a second
    helping of crap Finnish joy:
http://www.kebab.fi/files/videot/armi_ja_danny.mpeg


  * GIVEMEBACKMYGOOGLE.COM - last week we asked
    you to start a protest site with the above
    name. Looks like one of you did. But couldn't
    be arsed to finish the job, simply sticking
    up a photo of a hamster called Larry. Must
    try harder.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Wasting time is always good

  >> Chaos Theory <<
  This is so simple that the fact it's in Japanese
  doesn't matter one bit. A bunch of blue dots
  spill upwards onto the screen. Wait a bit.
  Wait. Wait. OK, now! Click once to start a chain
  reaction of explosions. Can you get it to engulf
  every one of the dots? (Site has pop-ups. Beware)
http://www.2flashgames.com/f/f-1211.htm


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DOES YOUR CAT HAVE A SPECIAL TRICK? We'd like
    to see video proof.

  * FARTMONICA - play the mouth organ through your
    arse.

  * A PET you can keep in a lightbulb. That way
    you'll always see its smiling animal face.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson, Mike Trinder and Team Wiki.
  Links sent in by FunkyUK, lemony, 
  leahlovesjackass, Mr Hangman among others.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the trash b4ta bats. (76880)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Need to sneeze at a moment when it'd be
  inappropriate to do so, like during sex or a
  funeral?  Tickling the roof of your mouth with
  the tip of your tongue counteracts the sneeze
  impulse.

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