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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 149: "WE'RE B3TA. IT'S FRIDAY. LET'S ROCK"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Your vomit stories
* CLOCKS - Time redefined
* CUTENESS - Things that make you go ahhh special

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 149 - 03 Sept 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue149/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Sex zoo, Hex clock, Sheeps & Squirrels  

  >> Petting zoo <<
  Eclectech's silky animation skills are
  turned to evil, enhancing and beautifying
  this delightful song to the joys of
  bestiality. Love the prancing cow and the
  sinister wigs. Musicmeisters Doghorse and
  MissPrism must also take a share of blame.
http://eclectech.co.uk/pettingzoo.php


  >> Hex Clock <<
  This week Rob has been redefining time. He
  reckons that there should be 32 hours in
  a day, and 64 minutes in an hour. He's 
  even prepared to sell you a clock to
  prove his point. Convert to hex time now,
  don't get caught in the rush.
http://www2.b3ta.com/hexclock/


  >> Revenge of the sheep <<
  Matazone has been mixing up Marxism and
  fairy stories in his new web toon.
  He's a Northerner - they do that up there.
  Hang in there for the cinematic ending.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/brother_black_sheep.html


  >> Baby squirrel <<
  Okay, Hairy Midget didn't actually make this
  tiny tree rat, but he did find it and is
  looking after it like it was his own. Bless.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3625997


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Back by popular demand!

  Last week we asked you to tell us your tales of
  chunder-related mayhem. You answered with
  hundreds of heavesome anecdotes.

  We particularly liked the story of the girl who
  wakes up after an extremely heavy night out,
  hazily recalling throwing up into the nearest
  receptacle, but is unable to find any trace
  whatsoever. Moments later, the phone rings. It's
  her sister. She has just opened her handbag. And
  she is very, very angry.

  Similarly entertaining is the unfortunate child
  poisoned by the dodgy water supply on a boating
  holiday. Unable to keep down his food, he
  skillfully chunders through the window of a
  passing barge, straight into the lap of an
  unsuspecting holiday maker.

  Or board-member Kayozz, who breaks down the door
  of his girlfriend's parents' bathroom, and lets
  loose an uncontrolled flood of beer-induced barf
  all over the room. And all over his girlfriend's
  father, who is sat on the toilet reading the
  paper.

  You can peruse the rest of the frankly
  stomach-churning answers here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vomit/

  Thanks to everyone who contributed. Especially
  the primary school kid who threw up through a
  recorder. Impressive.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the times you've
  injured yourself but were somewhat reluctant to
  explain how you'd managed it. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/embarrassinginjuries/


-------------------------------------------------

: CRAP JINGLES
  Named and shamed

  Clearly one of the salesmen at the Scarborough
  Hyundai dealership harbours dreams of being a
  gay disco producer. That has to be the most
  plausible for this preposterously groovy jingle.
  It's remarkably similar to Jennifer Paige's
  1999 hit Crush. Maybe she's down on her luck
  these days.
http://www.hyundai-approved.co.uk/scarborough/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Look at these photos carefully <<
  "Last week I drove to a nearby town. The town
  is surrounded by tall hills and mountains,
  and you can have a very pleasant hike down
  any of the numerous trails there. Anyway,
  I was climbing one trail and enjoying the
  good weather when I saw what looked like a
  silver box. When I approached, I saw it was
  a digital camera!" writes a mysterious
  messageboard poster. Possibly a viral thingie
  for a game but we greatly enjoyed examining
  these photos.
http://www.gtaforums.com/index.php?showtopic=144008


  >> Male Madonna tribute <<
  It's a Madonna tribute band, but what makes
  this good is the amazing Flash intro. For
  some reason, though, it looks quite gay.
http://www.mandonna.com/


  >> Plastic man bits <<
  You wouldn't want doctors training on real
  bottoms, but at the same time these plastic,
  medical bums and willies look like a
  Girl's World for Dennis Nielsen.
http://www.tecnoedu.com/ModelosCyQ/mptr.htm


  >> Sexy Professor Snape <<
  Readers of Harry Potter will be surprised by
  the homoerotic undertones of setting clips
  of Alan Rickman to Right Said Fred's I'm Too
  Sexy. Made us giggle anyway.
http://www.potterpuppetpals.com/sexy.swf


  >> Planet of the Twilight Zone <<
  We used to think the best fan-art ever created 
  was when someone spliced the shonky rubber
  dinosaurs from Doctor Who's Invasion Of The
  Dinosaurs into Jurassic Park. We were wrong.
  This is so smart: They've mixed up The Twilight
  Zone and Planet of the Apes to great effect.
  Could video mashup be the new bootleg scene
  of 2005?
http://theforbidden-zone.com/media/tzone.shtml


  >> Stupid Olympic pictures <<
  It's annoying when someone takes a photo of you
  at the wrong moment and makes you look like
  a spacker. This is a collection of those shots
  from sporting events. Looks like they've 
  photographed the special Olympics.
http://leenks.com/pics/?gid=46&view=all


  >> Nerd tattoos <<
  If people can't guess you're a geek from your
  bad teeth, glasses and beard, why not make
  it really obvious? Permanently mark your skin
  with the version number of your favourite
  operating system.
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20040720.html


  >> Beckham's wrist brain <<
  Lots of celebrities get lucrative advertising
  deals in Japan, where they think their UK fans
  won't see. Here's nut-obsessed David Beckham
  trying to endorse some sweets. We like the
  fact that the thoughts seem to be emanating
  from his wrist, while his face gazes on,
  blissfully oblivious.
http://open.meiji.co.jp/sweets/chocolate/almond/p/


  >> 'Kick my balls' <<
  Our hands instinctively reached for our cocks
  as we read this tutorial on how to inflict
  pain on your own testicles. The author is
  well-informed, as he loves hurting himself this
  way. Personally, we're more into hurting other
  people this way.
http://www.callnetuk.com/home/busted/men4.htm


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Teddy bears, Weebl, AIDS and Kittens

  >> Teddy bears in a hot air balloon <<
  A senses-shattering team-up because YOU demanded
  it. Well, perhaps you didn't demand, but you
  wanted it: Rob and Joel team up to bring you
  the rage-filled story of a balloon full of
  teddy bears.  
http://www.youthofbritain.com/balloony/


  >> New Weebl <<
  Fans of Jonti's anarchist jams characters are
  in for a treat this week, with a story telling
  the stirring tale of their ambitious rock
  and roll career. It's even odder than usual.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/band.htm


  >> They died of Aids - Amazon list <<
  Rob has been amusing himself by sticking
  up inappropriate lists on Amazon. This one
  celebrates artists who've died from the Aids,
  from Timothy Claypole of Rent-a-ghost to
  Issac Asimov. Will Amazon remove it? Find
  out next week...
http://snipurl.com/amazon_aids


  >> Clicky kittens <<
  Pippy excitedly writes, "I made this
  silly flash movie based on Mystery
  Bob's rendition of the Steptoe and Son
  theme." Not a lot going on here, but it's
  sweet and melted our cold, stony hearts
  for just a few precious moments.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/toe.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Three-way cuteness action

  >> Baby skunk<<
  You don't think skunks are cute. Think again,
  skunk-haters. This sweet skunk-child will show
  you the way to fluffy nirvana.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/crushedglass/114169.html


  >> Bewildered beechmarten <<
  We don't know what a beechmarten is, and from
  the look on his face neither does he. But we
  don't care - he's beautiful.
http://www.pbase.com/image/16760454


  >> Animal friends <<
  Friendships between creatures that should
  be trying to eat each other are a lovely metaphor
  for racial harmony. Like Ebony and Ivory where
  Stevie Wonder is a leopard. 
http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: HUMAN ZOO
  Stormtrooper wedding
  
  What every girl dreams of: A white wedding, with
  a massive entourage of Star Wars stormtroopers.
  From the looks of things she's resigned to being
  the bride of Vader.
http://www.goldengategarrison.com/gallery/calkinswed/Image168


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Illustrated Spam Challenge
 
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
 
  Two weeks ago, we wanted you to make pictures
  based on the subject lines from your spam:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/illustratedspam/
 
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Gracielou' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.
 
  Gracielou writes -
 
  "This week we are handing out the Special
  Olympic medals. Winners, please refrain from
  dribbling on yourselves in spacky joy...

  #1 "Amateur Housewife - Idid's "Amateur
    Housewife" is beautifully done and made me
    giggle. Very nice stuff, have a gold medal.
    (Idid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3632782
 
  #2 "Why go to the doctor? - For the silver,
    doctorwhen asks "Why go to the doctor when
    you can get it online?" Why? Because the
    internet is for pornography, not surgery.
    (doctorwhen)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3631817
 
  #3 "Teen Girls Moan 4 U! - The Rev. A-MOL gets
    the bronze for this very simple but well
    done entry." (Rev. A-MOL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3621650
 
  An honourable mention goes to Hankster's entry,
  "Your Penis Will Be Thicker And Fuller." It
  made me laugh, but I'm all out of medals so
  have a gay leaf hat instead.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3627918
 

  Results from the Real Magic Challenge
 
  Last week we wanted you to show us what it
  would be like if magic was real:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ifmagicwasreal/
 
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Steve-Dave' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.
 
  Steve-Dave writes -
 

  #1 "Getting changed - What more could you ask
    for?  A fantastic trick, a man in a neat suit and
    a slapstick payoff. This one is really
    something special.(Sheep!)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3654920
 
  #2 "Now that's what I call magic! - In a sea of
    Paul Daniels themed entries, this one stood
    out and simply made me snigger.  A lot.
    (Haku)
http://b3ta.com/board/3650318
 
  #3 "Behold! - An obvious case of the perfect
    source image, I could stare, mesmerised, at
    munkt0n's cheesy balls for hours!" (munkt0n)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3649584
 

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
 
  This week, our blessed Challenge Dictator
  ordered us to do, "Celebrity Sex Change"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritysexchange/


-------------------------------------------------

: STUFF WE'VE LEARNED FROM WIKIPEDIA

  The symbols that denoted classes of prisoners
  in Nazi concentration camps were all based 
  around triangles.

  Lesbians wore little black triangles. Like a
  stylised representation of minge.

  And they say Germans have no sense of humour.


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HUMAN ZOO IN THE NEWS - Our sensational expose
    of resplendently bespectacled Harrow
    councillor Eileen Kinnear has sent shockwaves
    ricocheting through the media. Watch out
http://www2.b3ta.com/clippings/humanzoo.jpg

  * INVISIBLE MOUSE GAME CHEAT - Applejuice writes
    in with a way of beating the hidden mouse pointer
    game. "You simply have to go to the Windows
    mouse properties thing, and make it show the
    location of the pointer by pressing control.
    That is, if you suck."

  * BIKES AGAINST BUSH ARREST - We said he was
    great and now he's in prison. That's the 
    famous b3ta effect.
http://nyc.indymedia.org/newswire/display/105740/index.php


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Bathroom tile angle madness

  It doesn't sound promising, but this 'link
  the squares' game will keep you puzz-niks out
  there happy for hours. It's chicken soup for
  the brain.
http://web6.midworld.luxadmin.org/game.html


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * KURDS FOR NERDS - a matchmaking site that
    pairs desperate asylum seekers with socially
    inadequate computer experts in wedded bliss.

  * DRUG OLYMPICS - There should be two events,
    one for those who do it clean and one for
    those who want to prove how far the body
    can push itself with chemical help.

  * INTERSEX TRIBUTE BANDS - After Mandonna, we'd
    like to see b3ta people forming groups like
    Boyah Wilcox, Him Wilde and Maniah Carey.

  * BLUE CHEWIT SHIT EXPERIMENT - Would eating
    nothing but blue Chewits for a week produce
    blue shit? Please try it and let us know with
    a tip-top photojournalism.     

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by projectevil and others
  who we lost. Sorry.
  Top Tippery by garfi3ld
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the b4ta. With love. (78594)

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  TOP TIP:
  If you have to change a light bulb where the
  glass is broken, press a potato into the metal
  base to unscrew the remains of the bulb from
  the fixture. For extra fun, don't turn the
  power off. Remember kids: Potatoes don't
  conduct electricity.

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