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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 125: "SANDWICH OF THE GOD"

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This Week:
* PHOTOS - Biggest sandwich ever
* TOY - Make your photos jiggle
* ANIMS - New shit from Weebl & Rathergood

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 125 - 05 Mar 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue125/

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: B3TA T-SHIRTS GET YOU NOTICED
   by beautiful people on the Tube

   theWooinator writes -

   "I was sat on the tube today proudly sporting my
   new b3ta threads and a girl opposite me started
   mouthing 'woo' and then 'yay' to me. It took me
   ages to work out what she was saying and I felt
   really self-conscious. When I realised, she got
   off the tube.

   "She looked a bit like a Britney. So, yeah, she
   was hot. It only lasted for two stops on the
   Central Line but I'd love for her to get in
   touch."

   Aha! We hope she does sir. And to everyone else
   reading this. If you see someone wearing a b3ta
   shirt then say hello. You never know - you might
   make a new bum friend.

   Anyway. Buy our shirts. They're lucky.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
   Massive sandwich, jiggles and escalator fun

   >> Biggest fucking sandwich ever <<
   We envy Dan405 for he is blessed. This week,
   he bought a loaf of common white bread and found
   it to be sliced not vertically but horizontally,
   thus giving him the biggest slices of bread
   ever created by blade of poorly-set-up
   machine. He's used this gift to create a sandwich
   fit for the gods. It's a thing of wonder.
http://www.danontherun.com/sandwich.htm


   >> Jiggle joy <<
   "I've made a jiggle machine," writes JBoom,
   "So let your imagination run wild, go dig up
   some amusing pictures and animate them from
   the comfort of your armchair. OK, so most of you
   are obviously going to be jiggling filthy porn,
   but that's just fine." Great stuff. We haven't had
   a good interactive toy for a while. So here's one
   we made earlier.
http://snipurl.com/4wfp


   >> Underground mayhem  <<
   "Recently me and my mates attended a posh
   dinner thing at the Tower of London," writes
   Elliott Ingram, "It ended early so we were up
   for a bit of pissing around on the Tube. I filmed
   it all on my phone." Wow. These guys slide
   down the central bit of a really long escalator.
   Er... and then they fall off. Woo.
http://www.bornsloppy.co.uk/Underground%20Mayhem%202.wmv


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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
   Saying Goodbye to Daddy

   Mums! Hard time dealing with the recent death of
   your partner? Why not break it to the kids in the form
   of a picture book?

   Right wing columnists! There could be a feature
   in this for you. "You couldn't make it up - it's
   political correctness gone mad etc..."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0807572535/b3ta-21


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: SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

   >> Smittens! <<
   Some ideas are so perfect that we find
   evidence of God in man's own creativity. Ladies
   and gentlemen, we bring you smittens: The
   two-wristed glove for people in love. Wonderful.
http://www.smittens.biz/what.html


   >> Mario tragimation <<
   There's an anim scene on the web centered
   round taking visuals from old computer games
   and telling stories. Now normally, the work is
   pretty unsatisfying to anyone whose sense
   of humour has developed beyond, "Look! He's
   made Sonic say W00t!" This is an entirely
   different kettle of fish. Epic.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/5142652/


   >> Ivor the Engine cut-out-and-keep <<
   The Welsh are famous for two things: Lost
   kangaroos skipping round the mountains and
   Catherine Zeta-Jones eating her own shit live
   on Japanese TV. Oh and kiddy telly classic,
   Ivor the Engine. Now you can make your own
   mini Ivor using only a colour printer and
   some scissors. Oh go on. It'll be a nice
   talking point for your desk.
http://www.smallfilms.co.uk/ivor/makeivor.htm


   >> Hacking TV <<
   You know those text announcements that scroll
   across the screen on cable TV? They've been
   hacked. The joy is the juxaposition of an
   oblivious newscaster and the juvenile jibing
   of the words.
http://forum.soundillusions.net/showthread.php?t=34154


   >> Crappy old public information films <<
   "POLISH A FLOOR AND PUT A RUG ON IT? You might
   as well set a mantrap!" Ah, the often-terrifying
   advice of UK government-sponsored short films,
   designed to stop us being pedoed by perverts
   or run over by the ice-cream man. This 
   selection of clips is a nostalgic treasure trove.
http://www.625.uk.com/pifs/library.htm


   >> Jesus returns. Makes website. <<
   Meet Ted R. Kurts. He set up a software company
   called Quest.com. Doesn't work there now though.
   Why not? He sold up when he realised he was Jesus.
   You'll be pleased to know he's started work on
   the third testament of the Bible and you can read
   it online. His writings on sex are somewhat more
   specific than the earlier works. He's against sex
   "doggie-style" and pro virgin brides. Sounds like
   fun. Wonder if he needs some disciples?
http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_isl.htm


   >> When bears attack <<
   Whenever we stick a funny video clip in the
   newsletter we feel sorry for the poor writers
   who work on shows like You've Been Framed.
   What the hell are you meant to say? The
   cliches come so easily: "They say never to
   work with children or animals..." Look, it's
   a grizzly bear twatting some poor woman in
   the face live on TV. Fuck everything else:
   Entertainment doesn't get better than this.
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=bearattack.mpg


   >> Accidental video game porn <<
   Recently we've found it harder and harder
   to get off on conventional filth: donkeys munching
   girl cock is just getting dull. Thank God for this
   then: The occasional sighting of unintentionally
   erotic scenes in computer games. Clockwork Jesus!
   Our mancumbers could cut a diamond!
http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~derekyu/pr0n/gallery.html


   >> Scissors Paper Stone - Pro Edition <<
   Ever thought that Scissors Paper Stone was
   little limited? Why not extend your game
   with a lizard, or Spock from Star Trek? Er...
   We haven't been able to remember all the rules
   on this - but we're impressed that developers
   are still working to bring innovation into
   the moribund hand-based gaming scene.
http://www.samkass.com/theories/RPSSL.html


   >> Tricksy ball game <<
   Manflaps, this is tough. Sort the blue
   and red balls to either side of the screen.
   It's possibly a complex metaphor for racial
   harmony, suggesting that people of different
   colours should live in different parts of
   the world. Ban this sick filth now.
http://www.collegemix.com/content.php?q=2&id=592


   >> Rodent eradicator <<
   It looks like a metal detector and it kills
   ground squirrels. Er... So why are we linking to
   it? To celebrate the marketing stupidity of
   putting a really cute fluffy gopher at the top
   of the page. Doh. Don't personify the enemy
   - demonise them. We want nazi gophers fucking
   the corpses of our wives. No, really - we do!
http://www.rodenator.com/

   >> Pingu game history <<
   Unless you've had your clicking finger
   lodged up a sparrow's anus for the past
   month, you can't have avoided the penguin
   tossing game and its many variants. This
   site collects them together and has a
   reasonable overview of the history. Does
   a better job than the official press release,
   which is whimsical to the point of utter
   unintelligibility.
http://penguin.omnihosts.net/


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: B3TA RADIO
   Have you ever started a fire?

   This week we asked if you've ever made something
   burn that you shouldn't have. And what a bunch of
   fucking pyros you all turned out to be.
http://b3ta.com/questions/fire_burny_ouch_ouch/


   You can learn more about b3ta radio and how
   to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/


   BTW: We've invited Wayne Hussey of The
   Mission UK into the studio for a chat and to
   play some songs in April. So listen out for
   that. Oh, and if Robert Smith or Bill Drummond
   is out there then get in touch! Some say we're
   using the radio show as an excuse to meet
   our teenage heroes and they'd be damn well right.


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
   Awards, hats, solubility and unhappy singledom

   >> Weebl and Bob AWARDS <<
   Jonti has had a tough old week. He's been trying
   to sort out his mortgage and the broker has pissed
   off on holiday and left it in chaos. Anyway -
   he loves his fans so he's still found time to
   make a new episode of his increasingly sophisticated
   but satisfyingly puerile series. Key bit? "I love
   you small twig."
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/awards.htm


   >> Girlie hat <<
   "Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat," sings Olly,
   "I've made a hat." He certain has, and rather
    special it is too. Made entirely of FHM shots
    of glamourous girl-ladies all cut to a stylish
    Greek fisherman shape. Grrrrrrrreat.
http://snipurl.com/4kbh


   >> Rathergood soluble song <<
   Joel has been considering how his life would be
   different if his body became soluble. He's
   put his fears to music to communicate this
   foolish notion to the world. So don't throw
   a bucket of water over him and singing "ding
   dong the witch is dead" - mmkay?
http://www.rathergood.com/soluble/


   >> Depressing animation <<
   "Hey," writes Geoff, "my name's Geoff and I made this.
   It's autobiographics."  Oh dear. You poor love.
   Come here and sit on uncle b3ta's knee - just
   don't tell Mum. It'll be our little secret.
http://substanceoverform.com/images/oldandsingle/oas_shopping.swf.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
   Bats

   Bats are phat. At night they're scary and
   get tangled in your hair and fly into spy
   planes, but by day they look all defenceless
   and pathetic.

   Ooh, and you can adopt them too. An ideal
   gift for the goth in your life.
http://www.batworld.org/adopt_a_bat/adopt_a_bat.html

   BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
   the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Rear Window Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to see what was out your
  rear windows, and frankly we're scared:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rearwindow/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'The Mighty Gusset' to
  judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  The Mighty Gusset writes -


  #1 "Different sort of window - Sorry, but this
     is still raising a laugh - the outright winner!
     (Wombat Joe)
http://b3ta.com/board/2808059

  #2 "Third time's a charm - Just plain silly really,
     this has all the classic ingredients. (partypaul)
http://b3ta.com/board/2823698

  #3 "Mr Matisse loved his cat - gains third place
     for the cunning use of Art." (pyrogenius)
http://b3ta.com/board/2826160

  "Honorary mention must go to Nebby for judicious
  use of the Nolan Sisters."
http://b3ta.com/board/2814806


  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator wanted to know
  how to "Get Rich Quick":
http://b3ta.com/challenge/getrichquick/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
   Follow-ups on previous stories.

   * RATHERGOOD US TV DOMINATION - anyone in the
     States can't have missed Joel's Quiznos TV
     commercial. It's based upon the "We Like
     The Moon" animation we launched in this very
     newsletter last year. We've been very amused
     by the reaction it's been getting. US radio
     boss John Hogan has denounced it as "obscene"
     and "oozing sexuality", whilst some Quiznos
     shop owners have taken out newspaper ads
     disassociating themselves from the work. This
     is not to say it's bad. This is - to use
     a crappy media term - noisy. Joel has done good
     on a scale that's really quite staggering.
     Read this overview and remember  - it started
     on b3ta.
http://snipurl.com/4wm5


   * EVERYTHING'S BETTER WITH SPEPPER - couple
     of weeks ago we claimed that Spepper, a
     pre-blended mix of salt and pepper, was the
     "end of civilisation as we know it." The
     manufacturers got in touch and sent us some
     samples. And we have to say - this stuff
     isn't half bad. Bah, wrong again. Next week, er,
     er, the Porsche 911 - the "end of civilisation
     as we know it"?
http://www.originalspepper.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

   Make something cool and tell us about it. If
   you are in it then people will see your stuff.

   Things we'd really like to see include

   * KITTU THE ESKIMOG - an animated series about
     a teeny weeny cat living in Greenland. Each
     day he has to break thru the ice to catch
     fish. And sometimes he has snowball fights
     with ice monkeys.

   * BILL ODDIE TRANCE ODYSSEY - a techno track
     featuring lots of tweeting bird call. And
     a video starring a lass with big tits.

   * SPACKERCOCKS - two dribbing cum-truncheons
     and their mongy misadventures in the
     cut-throat world of childrens' TV.

   Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

   BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
   been featured then don't be put off - we look
   at everything you send us.


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   THANKS:

   This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
   David Stevenson.
   Links sent in by Insaneiain, Darren Kinder,
   Campbell Tyler Damian Schofield,
   Paul Robinson, and Andy Wells.
   Top Tippery by Sam Betts.
   Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
   Board research by Fnord.
   Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
   Proofing by the supine b4ta bovines. (72299)

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   TOP TIP:
   If someone has left a smell most evil in your
   bog, simply take a couple of sheets of toilet
   paper, light it and chuck it down the bowl just
   before it gets too dangerous to hold any more.
   The smell of burning will instantly cancel out
   the smell of anus, and it won't smoke much
   either. Alternatively, light a match.

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