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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 124: "MOMMY, MY ARM'S GONE ALL FLOPPY"

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This Week:
* Plant life - Cactus Rap
* Outrage - Gay sailors for kids 
* Swearing - Flintsones vs. Raging Bull 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 124 - 27 Feb 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue124/

        Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: B3TA T-SHIRTS AND BADGES
  Buy them in our lovely lovely shop.

  Stuck to know what to buy your partner for
  their birthday? Get them a B3ta t-shirt. 
    
  This is quality schmutter - not your cheaply
  printed crap most websites sell.
 
  We do international orders and we're working 
  with a professional distribution company so you 
  can be certain everything will be kosha.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff and nonsense

   >> Pricklers with attitude <<
   Rapping cacti! Mushybees returns with the
   second in what we can only assume is an ongoing
   animated series with a foul-mouthed cockney
   cactus father-son duo. "Not entirely sure it's
   worth the wait," he faffs. We absolutely disagree.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/dirty.sanchez/cack02.htm


   >> Happy poster project <<
   Manic is a man on a mission. He wants to spread
   smiles and happiness through the entire world.
   You can help him out by displaying one of his
   lovely, happy animal posters in your window.
   We're particularly fond of the elephant in
   a wheelbarrow. It looks demented.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/happy/


   >> Skateboard-slide arm-break action <<
   Nineclicks writes, "I have a video of my
   friend breaking his arm" while arseing around on
   a slide. Ouch, looks painful, but our
   cameraman is admirably unbothered by other
   people's pain. "I also made a cartoon version
   in Flash," he boasts.
http://www.nineclicks.com/videos/armsnap.wmv


   >> Cheese + cat = starfish <<
   Don't reverse the polarities, is the moral of
   this sorry animated tale by SiX. Or don't feed
   cheese to cats. Or watch out for evil starfish.
   Actually, we aren't actually sure what it means,
   but it's saying it with authority.
http://www.apsq07.dsl.pipex.com/web/Flash/Animations/cheesecat.html


  >> Official rules of stealing lighters <<
   Lighter theft: It's wrong, it's foolish, nobody
   means to do it. But dear God, it happens anyway.
   In a last-ditch effort to end the madness, young
   Jamie Bell has devised an official set of rules,
   to regulate this barbaric trade. Do not go out
   tonight without reading this electrifying document.
http://www26.brinkster.com/tartpumper/lighter.html


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: TOP TIPS BITES BACK
  Coke can shake test

   Last week, we advised readers who had dropped
   soft drink cans to give them a sharp tap before
   opening them. This would, we were informed,
   spare the unlucky drinker from a foamy doom.
   We weren't prepared for the masses of people
   wanting to debunk us.

   Thomas Scott writes, "This morning, me and my
   friends tested the top tip from this week's
   newsletter. We took video, too. It includes
   me getting sprayed with a ridiculous amount
   of cola. Oh, and there's a ninja." Were we
   talking shit, then? Find out here.
http://www.thomasscott.net/fizz

   Special thanks to Brandon and to Newwhit, who
   carried out their own scientific analysis.
   Good work, but no ninja.


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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
  Hello Sailor

  Daily Mail journalists! Read this bit. We've
  found something to wind up Middle England.

  "Hello Sailor" is a book for children about
  a gay man who lives on a lighthouse and
  misses his sea-fairing boyfriend.

  Hooray. Let's have moral panic.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0333992903/b3ta-21

  BTW: Found a weird book on Amazon other
  than "A Hand in the Bush"? Then tell us.
  C'mon. It'll be just like Oprah.

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: B3TA RADIO
  Unusual petnames

  This week we're talking about amusingly named
  pets. Yay. Tune in - or miss the greatest
  radio known to man.
http://b3ta.com/questions/petnames/


  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> I fucked a Realdoll <<
  You've seen the Realdolls. Every wondered
  what it's like to fuck one? Read this
  enthusiastic and witty bit of gonzo journalism.
http://www.nerve.com/regulars/ididitforscience/sexdoll/


  >> GI Joe dubbed with silly voices <<
  We've featured fenslerfilm's stuff before, but
  it's still making us hyperventilate like
  treefrogs on laughing gas. This one features
  a small boy being shut in a fridge. Wicked.
http://www.fenslerfilm.com/movies/PSAsmall/FenslerFilm_PSA17_small.mpg


  >> World's Sickest Videos <<
  You know cheesy clips that show the home videos 
  of people falling over? This guy has taken the
  cheery links and mixed them with gruesome shots
  of people being killed. The juxtaposition is
  inventive but not for the easily offended.
http://www.google2004.com/promowin.html


  >> Fucking Flintstones <<
  More pirate video mixing here. Taking the dialogue
  from Raging Bull and overlaying it on childhood
  favourites, Fred, Barney and Wilma. Surprisingly
  effective and amusing.
http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=ragingfred.wmv


  >> Rubbish video synth <<
  We love this motion capture device from the 1960s, 
  which converts a dancer's movements into spazzy 
  stickman animation. Make sure you click the poster 
  at the bottom of the page. Maybe we're geeky, but 
  it made us hoot with joy.
http://www.audiovisualizers.com/toolshak/vidsynth/animac/animac.htm


  >> 3D Gay Chat <<
  The online cottaging market has been dominated 
  by Gaydar for too long. Now there's a new contender
  for the throne. Actually, to be honest this is shit 
  - but we love it for the keys W and J. Load up,
  and try them out.
http://www.zuerigay.ch/world/e/flash.php


  >> MP3 of the week <<
  "One of my scum mates called Camerhill", writes
  Paul Easton, "has written a charming little ditty
  called Rape Van." Blimey. We really like this.
  Melodic and offensive -  shame it's just too
  damn rude for our radio show.
http://www.camerhill.dsl.pipex.com/music/rapevan.mp3


  >> Russian Kilroy <<
  Russia makes the cheapest and nastiest TV in
  the world. Check out this fight from their
  equivalent of Ricky Lake. TV Producers! We want
  a "worst Russian TV show" now. Including clips
  from the legendary ambulance chasing show where
  camera crew + police scanner = TV gold.
http://www.december23rd.nl/po_nosu_nagievu.wmv


  >> Zombie game <<
  Pixel goodness and lots of blood. What more could
  you want from a zombie web game? 
http://www.monsterland.se/crunchtime/


  >> Satanic messages <<
  Listen to Stairway to Heaven backwards. The
  satanic messages are actually rather convincing.
  Must kill our parents now.
http://www2.memlane.com/jmilner/stairwaybackwards.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby Kestrels and Owls

  Yay. The expressions on these little birds faces
  are priceless. Although they appear to be messy
  eaters tho.
http://www.weirfield.co.uk/ouranimals/BabyKestrel&Owls.jpg

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Software We Really Need Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted software that people actually
  really, really need:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/softwarethatwereallyneed/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Mrs Vulga' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Mrs Vulga writes -


  #1 "Tony Hawks' Mo Slater 4 - when can we play???
     It's very well put together and I want this now.
     (Mr Snuggly)
http://b3ta.com/board/2783121

  #2 "MC Spammer - this made me laugh far too much.
     (Biscuits Alive)
http://b3ta.com/board/2800768

  #3 "Acrobat Fluff Maker - we all need something to
     make things fluffy, and this is it. Well shopped
     with many subtleties." (mushybees)
http://b3ta.com/board/2777268

  "Oh, and special mention must go to DedlyMonkey for
  the sheer cheek of this entry."
http://b3ta.com/board/2777755


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor 'witty ditty' gave us
  the suggestion, "Rear Window"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rearwindow/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CRAP BIDDING FOR TEA HOLIDAY - last week
    Badhorsey asked for a free holiday in America.
    Unsurprisingly, the bids stayed rather low.
http://snipurl.com/4mmo


  * FRIENDLY TV ANECDOTES - in issue 92 of the
    newsletter we reported on  hapless Friendly
    TV channel, infamous for the "open mike
    during a commercial" incident. We didn't 
    realise quite how bad the channel was.
http://www.nascr.net/~rgwill/friendlytv.htm


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * KITTEN THERAPY - a new type of healing
    based upon cheering up patients by showing
    them  pictures of kittens. We think we've
    stumbled onto something here - it works.

  * PAEDO TERRORISTS - a Marilyn Manson
    style pop shocker for the new
    millennium.

  * HITLER SIEG SIEG REVOLUTION - make Adolf
    dance to a J-Pop version of Ode To Joy and
    Wagner. Oh, and lay out the keys in the
    shape of a swastikka. 

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson and Fraser Lewry.
  Links sent in by Chairman Hieronymous 
  Goodchild, Roland Maguire and Paul Easton.
  Top Tippery by jeffcapeshop.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the precocious b4ta brats. (72365)

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  TOP TIP:
  Tired of toilet splashback?
  Worried about the hygiene issues?

  Simply form a small nest of toilet paper and place 
  this in the base of the bowl before commencing 
  evacuation. Your faeces will be gently lowered into 
  the water and you will not be submitted to reverse 
  Chinese water torture.


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